Just Us Nerds

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
There has been a lot of activity with your sign lately. The taunting. The shellacking. The late night bingo sessions. You’ve been too busy for all of those things. It is time for you to hit the road. Go see a statue in another city. Think of it as catharsis, although that isn’t what it is of course. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Wild at Heart.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Nobody frolics anymore, and that is a real shame. A good frolic can give your heart a whole new lease on live. I’ll bet you don’t have the guts to frolic though. It takes an awfully brave or oblivious person. Try to be one or the other. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Straight Story.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
It may take a village to raise a child but private school is still your best bet. You’ve been thinking about children a lot lately, haven’t you? Well, stop. Start thinking about Pragmatism. It is a good ethos. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Down Periscope.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
If you’ve ever jumped out of a moving vehicle, then you are probably familiar with the concept of tuck and roll. I want you to tuck and roll this week. If something gets you down or gets you angry, tuck and roll. It is the best way for a Cancer to deal with disaster. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
I’ve warned you more than once to stop stalking people but you just don’t seem to listen. How many bedroom windows do you have to look into before you understand that you are no longer a past of the picture? Give everyone a break. Take up a hobby. I hear that scrapbooking is fun. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Big Bounce.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Nice job on that interview last week. I told you to just relax and be yourself and look how well it went. The phone calls are going to be flying fast and furious this week. You have a lot of suitors. Go with your gut. You’ve got the best gut in the Zodiac. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Repo Man.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
With the price of gasoline and gold rising so quickly these days, I think you ought to take a look at getting into commodities training. Of any of the signs, I’ve always said that you’ve got the best head for commodities. Make us proud and make a little money. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pretty in Pink.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Can you sense the change in the air these days? Your sign is entering brand new territory. You need to get outdoors as often as you can this week. Roller skating can be fun and so can skateboarding. Give one of those a try and you will have the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Paris, Texas.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I can’t help but think we’ve been down this road before. How many people are you going to have to hurt in order to get what you want? The list is up to about 23 at this point so try to keep it fewer than 30. Good luck my friend. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Alien.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Wake up. This is no picnic and it’s no roadhouse barbeque. Stop dawdling. Go to the mall and pick yourself up a new pair of pants. You’ve going to need them where you’re going. Try not to get corduroy. Corduroy is the devil’s fabric. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Freedom and liberty made America great. What are you going to do to help? It is about time you stopped sitting on your ass and got into the fight. Pick a side and make a stand. America needs people like you right now on both sides of the battle. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Green Mile.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is the week that you should start writing poems. I assign you to write eighteen dirty limericks this week. It will make you smile and it will keep you away from the trouble that is going to come looking for you by the weekend. Just keep writing and you will be just fine. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is She’s So Lovely .