Just Us Nerds

Sorry for the delay in the Horoscope this week. My psychic energy was at a low ebb thanks to a mind war that broke out on the tenth plane so I had our new celebrity writer, American Idol winner Taylor Hicks, write this week’s horoscope for me. I appreciate your hard work Taylor!

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
I swear to god your week is looking better than roasted meat and baked potatoes. You gotta grab your life by the horny toads and swing it around the room until it just busts out with fun and excitement and good feelings and all that wonderful stuff. Your lucky song is Living For The City and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Oh man it’s so great to be telling you your horoscope and all. I feel so happy just to be working with you and helping you to make a better life for you and all of the special people in your life. I think you need to get out and dance more. Music heals, that’s what my Gamma always told me and I think it holds true today more than ever. You just have to let yourself feel life and be alive and all and life will give you the things you need it to provide for you if you know what I mean. Your lucky song is Dancing in the Dark and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You know whatever you gotta do you just gotta pour your heart into it and give it everything you got. I’m telling you that the moon phase is all right for you to be giving your heart and soul to everything that makes you feel good and makes the people around you feel good. When I was a kid I used to stare up at that big old man moon and wonder what was in store for me and he told me my life had magic in it. Now I’m telling you. Your lucky song is You are so Beautiful and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
I know you and you know me and we both know that we sometimes love too hard. Oh we love hard and feel things so deep that sometimes we just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about all the love we have to give and how it just wants to burst all up inside of us and find itself a home. Oh you know the way it is. You keep thinking about the way that life goes and you just get all amazed and stuff. Yeah you know. We really need to meet up sometimes and have ourselves a ball. Your lucky song is Try a Little Tenderness and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You know I love you my Leo Buddy-ro, but I gotta tell you that dark times are lying in wait for you. I remember one time I got my foot stuck in a rabbit hole while I was running across my Gamma’s back yard and I got clay so deep in my jeans they was all but ruined. I felt bad but I was still so thankful to be alive and not so badly hurt and all. I think you need to take the same comfort in the fact that you ain’t quite dead yet. Your lucky song is In the Ghetto and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooWee!

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
One of the surprising things about being famous and popular and all is that people really think you’re smarter than you really are and sometimes they even respect your opinion and all. I think this is a lot like what you’re going through with your star sign and all. People keep giving you more credit than you deserve or really even need and sometimes it can make you a little uncomfortable. Am I right? Well the next time you get to feelin that way just remember that you are a Virgo and all, the best of all the star signs and that you deserve every bit of the love and adulating that you are getting. You make me so happy to be alive! Your lucky song is Crazy Little Thing Called Love and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Sometimes when you feel soul so deep in your soul you feel like your knees are gonna buckle and you reach deep inside yourself and pull out your dreams so you can show them to everyone you know. Do you know that feeling? I feel that feeling all the time and it just makes me so happy. You need to avoid excess sugar this week so no candy bars or licorice whips or nothing please. I know it will all work out in the end. Your lucky song is Take me Home Country Roads and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
I got to host this parade the other day and there was a big marching band behind me. They walked in perfect time with each other and they kept the beat real nice while I sang to all the people on the street. I’m pretty sure it happened but it may have been a dream cause sometimes I dream about parades. I can’t explain it. I’ve just done that since I was a little munchkin and all. Anyway, if your dreams and your reality somehow synch up this week you’re gonna have a fantastic and wonderful time and everybody around you will be along for the glorious ride. Oh I get so excited just thinking about it. Your lucky song is Not Fade Away and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I know its hard to think about now that everybody sees me as this singer whose been singing since he was just a little singing kid and all but I used to play a lot of basketball. Basketball is so great and fun and all and this one time I scored 48 points in one game. That’s just one game. So you see it isn’t just that I had music to believe in. I could believe in myself a number of different ways and it all made sense to me that I could be different things and be really good and all. I think You can be a number of things too and I just want you to feel yourself come alive. I know you can do it. Go have you a meat plus three and go change the world! Your lucky song is Takin’ It to the Streets and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
In my version of heaven there’s good music and good people and a whole lot of dancing and all. I love to hear the music and I love the thought of heaven and everybody getting there and making great music together. You should look for your own personal heaven. It can make a whole new you! Your lucky song is Soul Man and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
My old beautiful wonderful Gamma used to tell me that there is a little bit of wonderful in each and every one of us and there’s a little bit of bad too. You got to let yourself be who you are and remember that you’re never gonna be perfect. Perfect people are like rats on a football field. They don’t belong and sooner or later they’re gonna ruin the game. Your lucky song is You Can Leave Your Hat On and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There’s a lot of things I care for and a lot of things I don’t like war and dead puppies and people who are mean and all. I like to spend nights looking out at the rain and thinking about people I used to know when I was younger and people I will meet someday if I stay famous long enough. I keep thinking that my fifteen minutes may be running out but I hope there’s enough love out there to keep me around a while longer. I think the same is true for you. You have a lot of love to give. Give it up to everyone you know! Your lucky song is Play That Funky Music and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!