Just Us Nerds

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
The difference between a miracle and a grilled cheese sandwich is not as dramatic as you would expect. Take a look around you. What grilled cheese sandwiches have you been failing to acknowledge? Your lucky geographical feature is a Box Canyon.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
On his deathbed, my friend the multimillionaire exotic pet mogul Franz Heffert told me that he’d always wanted to be a dancer. He did love exotic pets though. There’s a lesson in that. Your lucky geographical feature is a Moor.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Health and wealth are like frightened children and wallpaper. They generally have little to do with each other. Of the two, which would you choose? Your lucky geographical feature is a Fjord.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
A fountain of knowledge isn’t like a water fountain. It is more like a freeway with way too much traffic and not enough lanes. Sooner or later, it gets you where you are going, but you may not enjoy the trip. Your lucky geographical feature is a Barchan Dune.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
No matter what you settle for, sooner or later you will have to settle. If you think your parents didn’t love you then think again. They just didn’t love the idea of you. Your lucky geographical feature is a Floodplain.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
In poker, the best hand doesn’t always win the money. In chess, check and checkmate are far from the same thing. In love, what you love and what loves you are generally not the same. Pick a side. Your lucky geographical feature is a Glacier.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
The other day I met with a man who wanted to explain to me why there was nothing left to explain and why there was no reason to do so. I listened to him because he was paying me. This is what we like to call a moment of clarity. Have your own moment of clarity this week. Your lucky geographical feature is a Thalweg.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The Hungarians have a maxim that roughly translated says, “The truth you find will climb all over you until it relieves itself somewhere near your mouth or eyes.” Truth is a slippery thing and you should be sure you want it before you seek it. A well-crafted lie can make your day pass faster. Your lucky geographical feature is a Savannah.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Surprise and delight are better than shock and awe most weeks. The beautiful also tends to trump the sublime. Make your way to the center of your soul this week and take a look around. Are you surprised or awed? Your lucky geographical feature is a Peninsula.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The other day I was meditating and I had a vision of you surfing on a wave of grape soda. This told me something about where you want to be in life. You crave motion over progress and journeys over destinations. There is nothing wrong with that, but always keep your eyes open when you surf. The next wave could be your last. Your lucky geographical feature is a Levee.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Progress has not always been your friend, has it? Well, that’s about to change. Now, progress will be your adorable lapdog waiting for your command. Well, technically you are going to have to struggle and fight for everything you get, but at least that’s progress. Your lucky geographical feature is Tundra.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There are three trials you will have to face in the next week or two. You will be given a relationship challenge, a physical challenge and a mental challenge. To be honest, this will happen to you every week or perhaps even daily for the foreseeable future. Remember that you don’t have to succeed every time. Your lucky geographical feature is a Valley.