ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This is a bad week to have surgery, attend musical theater, eat salami or drive a European car. This is a good week to visit a homeopathic doctor, attend a poetry reading, eat pizza or drive an American car. Zealots are everywhere, so be vigilant. Your lucky oil is saffron.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is a bad week to run, drive fast, time yourself, make generalized comparisons or give advice. This is a good week to get a massage, peer into the distance, give a witty reply and use a fork. If you find yourself, let us know. Your lucky oil is heartcut distillate.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This is a bad week to hunt, fish, develop an action plan, sell fruit or place your trust in authority figures. This is a good week to spay or neuter your pet, sing your own praises, buy salad dressing, go to a carnival or look within yourself. Northeast is an underrated compass point. Your lucky oil is raisin seed.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is a bad week to watch any movie made before 1947, wear outdated fashions, discuss James Joyce, cut your toenails or fly a helicopter. This is a good week to get to the point, fight with your neighbors, accept your limitations, get a fungus treatment or visit Latin America. There are vultures all around you. Your lucky oil is Cottonseed.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This is a bad week to use magic markers, fold paper, listen to jazz, finish your novel or have your house fumigated. This is a good week to keep yourself meticulously clean, eat whole foods, drink bottled water or go on a blind date. Functional illiteracy is not functional. Your lucky oil is tung.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is a bad week to wash your car, accelerate toward a yellow light, drink hard liquor, foot the bill, hand off a project or stick your neck out. This is a good week to shower frequently, face your inner demons, settle an old score or redistribute wealth. Your fan club is growing. Your lucky oil is castor.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This is a bad week to seek venture capital funding, spring a new move on your partner, engage in a “dance off”, insult a Canadian, feel something in your gut or collect novelty pillows. This is a good week to free your mind, cast off your shackles, drink diet orange drinks, fall in love or eat a bagel. Fingers won’t sign autographs. Your lucky oil is olive.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This is a bad week to attend a seminar, go to a mall, climb a fence, forge a new alliance or eat fast food. This is a good week to be stern yet fair, gruff but lovable, consoling but critical and to use bags that have zippers. Go to your happy place. Your lucky oil is penetrating.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is a bad week to eat cooked berries, hold your breath, fold eggs, or to forget why you came. This is a good work to read the novels of Tom Perotta, chew your food thoroughly, invest in environmentally friendly companies and dance, dance, dance! There are at least a dozen worthwhile toppings for pizza. Your lucky oil is lanolin.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This is a bad week to listen to eighties pop, seventies rock and sixties folk. This is also a bad week to engage in the practice known as stipulating. This is a good week to cut crass, red tape and the crap. Beware of Spanish tile. Your lucky oil is soapstock.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This is a bad week to eat cheddar jalapeno Cheetos, spend nickels, bathe with strangers, fly a jet or eat everything on your plate. This is a good week to eat corn flakes, talk to pigeons, erase whiteboards and read outdated newspapers. Do you feel like your life is a straight-to-video release? Your lucky oil is Palm Fatty Acid Distillate.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is a bad week to read handbills, drink bottled water, diet, listen to big band music or buy a boat. This is a good week to count on your fingers, test your emotional boundaries, grill your food and establish a democracy using force. Vote early. Vote often. Your lucky oil is neatsfoot.
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