ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
If you hear a lot of horns blowing this week, give blowing your own a try. No, not that horn. Well, that’s up to you. I just mean that you need to tell people about your accomplishments. Let the world know that you are the emotional leader of the Zodiac and you aren’t going to let the rest of the world ignore you. Your lucky channel this week is Cartoon Network.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
If the world truly was flat, you would be having one hell of a week. Look out for turtles in disguise. Everyone is trying to slow you up and nobody wants to tell you why. If you have to dream this week, dream about beaches and tight bathing suits. Let the imagery inside your mind take a vacation this week. Your lucky channel this week is Discovery.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
I had to cancel my appointment with the doctor because I found out that your sign was about to blossom forth into a full-grown action movie. Do you know your enemies? Keep track of their exact locations and keep a good exotic weapon handy. Always remember to leave your mark. Your lucky channel this week is Spike.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
When was the last time you read a book? If the answer is over three weeks ago, congratulations, you went out and got a life. Good for you. While you are partying it up at the newest hot spot, take at least one moment to laugh and point at your former self. Can you believe what an idiot you were? Your lucky channel this week is E!
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
If you have been putting off that summer bikini wax, this is the week to do it. Go for the Brazilian and smooth the way for a new romance. As you recover in a nice cool tub, think about all the things we do to please others. Of course it hurts to make other people happy. It should hurt. Your lucky channel this week is VH1.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is an excellent week for negotiations. Don’t worry about consequences. You are a Virgo, the luckiest sign in the Zodiac. Of course everything is going to work out for you, whether you think so or not. Your lucky channel this week is FX.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
There have been a few weeks of struggle for you my Libra friend. I would like to tell you it was worth it, but that sort of talk is for losers and Leos. Just make the best of what you still have and soldier on my friend. The tactical advantage of being a Libra is that you can crush other signs with your wit or your magenta colored dreams. Look out for the other signs this week because their greed is growing. There is something about success that breeds hypocrisy and failure. That sort of dream should be important to you now that you are a public partner in the world. Your lucky channel this week is Fox.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Love is in the air for you. It may even be on your face before you know it. Look up and smell the roses, or whatever that smell may be. You are going to make some sweet, sweet music, if you call those sorts of sounds music. Your lucky channel this week is Lifetime.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but cold food is great in the summer. You don’t have to heat up the house or break a sweat. Cool your summer off with some ice cold revenge. Get it out of your system. There is an angel on your shoulder and she is pissed. Your lucky channel this week is The Food Network.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
There were a few moments last week when you started to feel like a winner. Didn’t you like that feeling? Don’t you want to feel it again? Well then stop screwing around and do something right for a change. This is the can of tuna you have been waiting to open. Your lucky channel this week is ESPN.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
There is a famous story about a chicken and an elevator that got into an argument. The chicken told the elevator that science rules over religion and the elevator refused to take the chicken up. I’m sure you’ve heard the story. The moral is, never allow anyone to give you the shaft. Your lucky channel this week is USA.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There is a tiger inside of you that is itching to get out. This can be complicated because tigers have claws and the inside of a body is mostly tender organs and still seeping bones. So, be careful with that tiger my friend. There is nothing you can do to stop it, but you should at least be able to protect your most sensitive areas. Your lucky channel this week is Animal Planet.
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