ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
During the summer an average child looses six pounds. During the winter, they gain thirteen. Average children frighten me. Summer is here and the time is right for hiking your butt up the stairs and maybe even breaking a sweat once in a while. Some people think there is genius in madness, but I think there is genius in a well-planned walk to the corner store. Your lucky cheese this week is Monterey Jack.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
There are approximately twenty supervillains for every superhero. That means you have your work cut out for you. Trying to imagine a supervillain in their underwear rarely works because their underwear isn’t really that different from their normal supervillain garb. Be careful in either case and avoid any television show on the new CW network. Your lucky cheese this week is Brie.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Home Depot sells 137 different types and grades of sand. It seems like a difficult task to differentiate all of those different sands. It is much like trying to tell the difference between the fate of the world and the fate of your neighbor. You need to look outside yourself and you need to pay attention or else all will be lost. These are important times for you. Try to be prompt. Your lucky cheese this week is Provolone.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
The island nation of Kiribati has the highest per capita rate of transsexualism of any country. It is important to try something new every once in a while. Go for a walk in the forest. Sleep under an overpass. Use a flashlight in the daytime. Play word association games at the checkout counter. Whatever makes you feel free gives you strength. Your lucky cheese this week is Gorgonzola.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Drivers wearing a seatbelt have a five percent greater chance of getting into an accident than if they had not been wearing a seatbelt. Safety is unsafe, especially for you. How safe does your world have to be to kill you? The march of time has your number anyway. Being and nothingness both suck. Your lucky cheese this week is Limburger.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Due to a drop off in readership across the country, most major metropolitan newspaper obituary writers must now actively seek out deaths in their communities to fill the page. For you the problem is finding problems. Your life is so good right now that you have to actively seek out the problems in order to have something to worry about. Feel free to avoid making that effort. Your lucky cheese this week is Muenster.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
An average person’s key ring has one key that hasn’t been used in the last 9 months 21 days. Take a look at your own keychain and whatever key you haven’t used, go use the damned thing or get rid of it. Fate is saying something to you. Face the locks that have ruled your life. If you can pick your friends, you can pick a lock. Your lucky cheese this week is Romano.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
On average, there is one person every year that is struck by lightning for the third time. Are you feeling lucky Scorpio? This is a week when rare and wonderful things will happen to you. You might even get treated to lunch. Think about that on the drive to work and traffic won’t seem so bad. Your lucky cheese this week is Caciocavallo.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Research shows that certain chemicals in eggs, when in a purer form, are hallucinogenic. Think about that the next time you order a mushroom and Swiss omelet (which you should do because Swiss is your lucky cheese this week). It isn’t the mushrooms that made you see Grover from Sesame Street, it was those fabulous eggs. You should spend a little more time thinking about the hidden causes for the things that happen in your life. Where are your eggs?
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
By far, most shirts sold in the U.S. are blue. How many blue shirts do you own? Where have you been wearing them? Don’t you feel you are being a little safe? Orange is a perfectly good color and it should be given a greater prominence in the workplace. Get out of the blue shirt rut my Capricorn friend. Look around and pick a color that matters. Your lucky cheese this week is Colby.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
The average donation required to have a university building named in your honor is $1.5 million. That number is sure to go up, so you had better get to work earning your fortune. I fully expect to walk into your building someday. You are an Aquarius, after all. Fortunes are waiting to bow at your feet. Can’t you feel it? Can’t you feel fortune calling your name? Your lucky cheese this week is Ricotta.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
An average wasp can sting 14 times before running out of venom. My message to you this week is to keep sharp. Fourteen stings can mean the difference between a good weekend in bed and a bad weekend in bed. Keep an eye on your stinger. Drive somewhere good this week. Aim your car at the nearest mountain. Your lucky cheese this week is Mozzarella
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