Just Us Nerds

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
You may want to take off your underwear at work this week. If you do, try to be discreet about it, especially if you have a cubicle. Be very careful. Just remember, the bathroom is an awfully safe choice. You’ll want something riskier than that, just not too risky. Be especially careful if you are traveling in a foreign country. Your lucky half hour will be Thursday from 2:19 pm to 2:48 pm.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You may be asked to leave town this week. Your family, in fact, may demand it. Just remember that packing quickly is an art form. Make sure that you pack at least one full change of clothes and a towel. If you haven’t already bought a rolling travel bag, I recommend that you pick one up. If you are on a budget, go to Walmart (like you always do) but if you have a little money to invest in a Prada black ‘Viaggio’ travel suitcase . It is the travel accessory of the year. Your lucky half hour will be Saturday from 8:33 pm to 9:02 pm.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
If you are going to peep into other people’s windows, try to be discreet about it. Telescopes are not generally mobile enough for good tompeeping, but there are plenty of excellent binoculars on the market. I recommend the Bushnell 20×50 Super High-Powered Surveillance Binoculars. Please keep in mind that as much as you would like to take your clothes off while peeping, it won’t look good when the police show up. Have you seen Cops? Your lucky half hour will be Sunday from 1:23 am to 1:52 pm.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You should take a class in hydroponics. It will make growing the stuff in your back room much easier. You can usually find a hydroponics store in the bohemian section of your town, which is generally near downtown where people are more real, which is the hip way of referring to an increased variation in skin color and linguistic style. That’s where you can take your class. Your lucky half hour will be Monday from 3:02 pm to 3:31 pm.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You need to get your teeth checked. Chances are, there’s an abscess or at least some receding of your gums. You really need to start taking care of yourself, especially when it comes to your teeth. This is almost certainly the cause of your hideous breath. Also, try to dial back the farting if you can. What the hell have you been eating? Your lucky eight minutes will be Wednesday from 4:42 pm to 4:49 pm.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This would be a great week for you to take a trip to Las Vegas. Your luck is at an all time high and there’s no possible way to fail. You are on the verge of a fantastic windfall of fun and adventure. This is a fantasy week for you. There’s no use picking out a lucky half hour because the whole week is just a festival of luck. You’ve got to love being you.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Have you ever hopped on one leg down a narrow road into a tunnel that was made out of wire mesh? Me either. The point is that you should do something new this week. Why don’t you get out of town and enjoy a few lovely daiquiris by a pool on top of a tall building. Your lucky half hour is Thursday from 9:46 pm to 10:15 pm.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
If you like to spend your evenings knitting or crocheting, this is the week for you. Absolutely nothing exciting is expected to happen to you this week. There will be no drama for you to feed on. There isn’t even anything good to watch on TV. You might as well just go to bed. I’m yawning just writing this. Your luck half hour is Tuesday from 11:56 am to 12:25 pm. Make it count.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is an excellent week for you to mount a widespread rebellion against a repressive government. A palace coup is at hand, and I see you as the inevitable leader of the displaced proletariat. Your dreams of power and recognition are ready to take flight. Either that or you should paint your bedroom . . . whichever. Your lucky half hour is Monday from 12:29 am to 12:58 am.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You really need to clean out your refrigerator. You should also clean your bathroom and tidy up your living room. You may want to clean the whole house. Company is coming, and you’re either going to get into a massive argument about the state or your life or get laid. It’s your call. Your get lucky half hour is 10:22 pm to 10:51 pm Saturday night.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Do you remember that project you started last fall? The one that involved buying new pillows and picking a wine that cost over $5? Don’t you think it is time you got back to work on that project? Work that project really well my friend, if you know what I mean. Your lucky half hour is Friday from 11:01 pm to 11:30 pm.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Do not eat any snow cones this week. You should also avoid slushies, smoothies, Eegees, Italian Ices and pretty much any frozen liquid with a hint of flavor. Sweet flavors will only throw off your chi and make you twice as bothersome as you usually are. Come to think of it, don’t indulge in anything pleasurable at all this week. I’m just kidding. Eat all the snow cones you want. Have a damned good weekend and party your ass off. I know I will. Your lucky half hour is Sunday from 1:11 am to 1:40 am.