ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
I have this theory that the earth is actually a giant apple, and that the earth’s core contains these massive apple seeds. I sure would like to get a hold of one of those seeds, but it doesn’t seem very likely in the near future. Does my theory sound a little far-fetched and stupid? Maybe, but so are the theories you’ve been operating on this week. Shape up and try to think things through for a change.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Do you know what electricity is? I don’t. I know what electivity does. I even know some ways to create electricity. What I don’t know is what it is. Why don’t you try to figure that out for me and report back? I think the quest will do you some good. Avoid cigars this week.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Do you feel that gentle rocking motion? That is the earth giving you a hug. No, it isn’t all in your head. Most of it is, but not all of it. Try to picture yourself accomplishing something this week. I think maybe you should learn to dance. The samba or the tango would be a good choice for you. Don’t paint anything blue this week.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
If I could turn myself invisible, I would keep an eye on you this week because you are going to go to some interesting places and I would love to hear what you are going to say to that woman when you run into her Saturday. I can tell it is going to be worth talking about. Let me know what happens.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
How many towels did you leave on the floor this week? How many labels did you peel off of wet bottles? I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to distract me and it is not gong to work. Put your clothes back on and face your life. You may want to make sure that your first-aid kit is fully stocked and be extra careful crossing the street this week. Seriously, put some clothes on.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
The other day I was wandering alone in the desert with no food or water when I happened upon a 7-11. As I bought myself a Big Gulp, a bag of donettes and some Trident sugarless gum, I couldn’t help thinking of you and the fabulous luck that you have been having lately. There are Big Gulps as far as the eye can see.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Therapy is overrated – mental therapy that is. Physical therapy is still an excellent choice for those recovering from a serious health emergency. If you are recovering from a serious health emergency, then keep up the physical therapy. If you think your problem is mental, read a book by Richard Bach and shrug the whole thing off. Good luck. This is a good week to buy a new computer.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
I don’t want any more shenanigans out of you Scorpio. How many times do you want to tempt the fates? I’ve met the fates. They are three very charming girls, but they will not put up with a lot of guff. This is a good week to straighten up and fly right. It is also a good week to go to the zoo, unless you live in Tucson, then skip the zoo and go to the Desert Museum.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Some people laugh. Some people cry. Some people do both. Are you one of those people? Nah, you are one of those people who laugh and then runs away as fast as you can. I know you. You need to embrace the hidden joy. The problem is, how can you embrace something you can’t find? Good question. While you are working on that, try listening to a Tom Petty or a Bob Dylan album. Either will do; they sound the same anyway.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Oh my Capricorn friend, what kind of mess haven’t you got yourself into now? Isn’t life getting just a little too boring and safe lately? Shake things up. Buy a pomegranate. Eat the leaf from an oak tree. Fart in public. Do something to break yourself out of this rut!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Are you sitting alone in the dark listening to your stereo headphones again? You really ought to at least play some music when you do that. I have just the right thing for you to listen to. There is a band called Gomez. They are pretty good and they could use a little support. Put one of their CDs on and then rock back and forth in your easy chair all night. Come morning, you’ll be ready to face the world again.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
I recommend that you spend a little money on yourself this week. You are encouraged to purchase the following items: Shower Curtains, Air Filters, Hammocks, Pillow Shams, Wireless Transmitters, Carpet Steamers, Valances, Quilting Kits, Soap Molds, Cardiovascular Equipment, Knives, and Music Memorabilia. Good luck with your newfound spending power.
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