ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
You have been fighting a cold for some time now and it is time to give in. There are people in this world that will steer you wrong and you need to find those people and destroy everything about them that makes them evil. It is all a part of the process of finding yourself. Taking the train to work is never a good idea.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Finding heaven isn’t a goal and it isn’t a process. The roses you have been trying to grow are looking a bit small. Have you been laying enough manure? You really need to give those egg shells a try. It is never going to be an easy road for you, but you can still dream of the day when life becomes a dream and your dreams can be dreamed successfully. I recommend that you watch Caddyshack some time this week. Picture yourself as the gopher.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You are finding yourself becoming more and more isolated. Stop it. You need to learn a new skill. You might want to try juggling. Ask yourself, what class of D&D character defines me as a person? If the answer is half-orc warrior or elfin wizard, you should seek counseling. If you said half-elf bard, you may just be getting yourself back on track.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
There is long line of success looking to find you and you need to keep away from it for as long as possible. Follow your own advice a few times this week. Listen to the person inside of you that is losing their mind. That should keep you safe from success for a while longer. This is an excellent week for you to eat yogurt.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Pay attention to the people who are trying to destroy you. They have their reasons.
Everybody knows that you are on the edge, and they are speaking in hushed tones around you. Do not tolerate that. It is all that you can handle just to breathe in and out. The stars say you suck at this. Watch more cartoons.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
You are spending yet another week on top of the world. More and more people are seeking you out. More and more people want to hear what you have to say. They love you. Everybody thinks you are great and they are right. Nice job Virgo. Try to see a movie this weekend.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Leave yourself at the door. Fade into the night and you can achieve anything you want. If you divide yourself into the requisite parts and reassemble who you are, you can become just about anything you want to be. Stop finding yourself. You are exactly where you left you. If you go to the mall, don’t look anyone in the eye. It will just lead to a long conversation you don’t want to have.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Look for the difficult passage in the book and try your best to figure out exactly what it is trying to say to you. There is more to the lies than you want to acknowledge. The truth is a weapon; keep it in your side pocket and be ready to pull it out when you need to. It is not a vision so much as a revelation that you need to get back in the game. If you hear anyone around you use the word “conclusion”, get away from them as quickly as you can. You don’t want any part of that.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Make yourself a deal. Find a way to accept who you are and accept that everyone around you is flawed. Try to take a long walk this week. Explore the world around you for a change. Don’t let the world shrink away from you and dissolve into a stream of small victories and losses that in the end are meaningless. You did that last week and look where it got you.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You are finding yourself at the crossroads of the lost thoughts that you will never regain. Look out into the great wide world and see who is looking back at you. If nobody is staring at you, then you are all anyone in your peril. That would really suck for you, so I recommend trying this exercise at the mall.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Don’t expect too much from the universe in return for your loyalty. Find a way to make yourself a smaller version of your soul. Look into the mirror and tell yourself that you are free. Freedom is a clause in the grammar of life. I think it is a prepositional phrase but it could be a gerund.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Find a public place and steep yourself in it. Look for all of the exits and keep careful track of where you are going. Stop hiding from life. Stop listening to idiots. Stop laying traps for yourself. Stop looking over your shoulder. Make your own dinner for a change.
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