ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Finding inner peace means exploring your soul and coming to a point of harmony with who you are, what you’ve done and what you want. Don’t bother with any of that. Just have a freaking good time this week. No, you don’t deserve it. Take it anyway.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Oh sure, it is easy to hate pickles. They are sour and lumpy and not too great a color anyway. If you like pickles, you’ve got to really like them. It isn’t cool or trendy and no one is going to praise you for it. If you think this is a lot like life, you spend way too much time thinking about pickles. This is a good week for you to shower frequently – stinky.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The following fruits are off limits to you for the next few weeks: Cloudberry, Wineberry, Salmonberry, Loganberry, Buffaloberry, Pigeon plum, Saw Palmetto, Prickly pear, Rimu, Horned melon, Longan, Atemoya, Jambul and Pupunha. Avoid these fruits at all costs. Stick to Granny Smith Apples and Bananas or whatever other boring-ass fruit you find at the supermarket.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This weekend I was up in the mountains playing Lunch Money when I came to a realization about your sign and what the future has in store for you. The game of Lunch Money went O.K, I lost the first four but came back to win the fifth. I should have won another, I was up 18 to 3, but the bastard kept pulling out defensive cards and I never could score the winning point, even though I had finally gotten a wedgie on him. You know what I’m talking about. You’re not even listening are you? You just want to hear about the revelation. Well forget it. It isn’t all about you!
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
The other day when you thought nobody was looking, well you were wrong. I was looking, and I saw what you did. That was just nasty. What the hell is wrong with you? I had to clean up the wall afterwards you know.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Wow, yet another fantastic week to be a Virgo. This is an excellent week to go to parties, eat out, drive fast and laugh, laugh, laugh. It just keeps getting better and better Virgo. It just keeps getting better and better.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
As my friend Tyler Durden once said”
Worker bees can leave
Even drones can fly away
The queen is their slave
It’s tough to rule the world. Take a break.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Your star sign has entered a phase of simplicity and straightforwardness. Accordingly, do not use any of the following sauces: Arby’s sauce, BBQ Sauce, Brown sauce, Cocktail sauce, Fish sauce, Fry sauce, Horseradish sauce, Hot sauces based on chili, Soy sauce, Steak sauces such as A1 and Heinz 57, Tabasco sauce, Tartar sauce, and Worcestershire sauce. Salsas are OK though.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Have you read a book lately? If you have, great. That means you haven’t yet set out to destroy yourself. If you haven’t, I recommend that you read any book by W. Somerset Maughm that you can get your hands on. It may just keep you from that breakdown I’ve been seeing.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Did you know that there is a difference between hamburger relish and hot dog relish? That sort of thing freaks me out, and it should probably freak you out as well. If not, you may be losing touch with your emotions. Have a late night talk with a close friend. Don’t mention any rashes that you might have, though. That sort of information is for your doctor.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Your sphere of influence is growing by leaps and bounds. You are rapidly becoming the most influential person you know. Of course, that means you really should get to know more people, otherwise your limitations will utterly destroy you. Make a friend, that’s all I’m saying.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is an excellent week for you to avoid electrical currents. Do not stick your finger in a lightsocket. Do not lick a nine volt battery. Do not pet your cat too vigorously. Just be careful. Oh, and you will get some unexpected news in the mail. Open the envelope but do not try to anticipate what they are thinking — just read the darned thing.
Post a Comment