Just Us Nerds

This is your newest Nerd and resident psycho bitch, Jane, checking in! J.C. has been kind enough to let me fill in on the horoscopes for today, and this one goes out to all the little emo darlings I keep picking out of my Doc Martens on a regular basis. Give us a kiss.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Honey, it’s time to accept that not everyone looks good in cigarette-burned leather. Especially not over an A.F.I. t-shirt sporting significant mascara stains. If you take the first road West, there is a flannel shirt waiting for you at the end of your journey. It is warm. It smells faintly of beer. It is your salvation. Your lucky emo band is Coheed and Cambria.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You’re about to see your hobbies fall to the wayside and your significant other leave you for a 30 year old punk rocker with bad teeth. Fret not. Eat your Wheaties and on the 28th all will become clear. Your lucky emo band is Rise Against.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
That lovely lady winking at you from over by the Ms Pac-Man game is no lady. That fruit punch is no ticket to heaven! When the new moon ascends, it is advisable to wear a hat. But for the love of god, not a beret. Your lucky Emo band is Bright Eyes.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Stop watching Supernatural reruns and get out into some sunlight! No one wants to read your fanfic, and you could stand to get a little exercise this month. Make sure to carry high DEET content bug spray for that barbeque next Wednesday, or everyone will regret it. Your lucky emo band is Dashboard Confessional.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Sweetcakes, when I say gardening is not for wussies you need to trust me on that. Really. Your lucky emo band is Boy Sets Fire.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Peace is finally ahead for you. If you stay true to your feelings (and not those of Harry-At-The-Bus-Stop), you’ll be well on your way to your own slice of the pie. Keep it up! Your lucky emo band is Fugazi.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve got the best Big Picture skills of anyone in the Zodiac, and it is time to prove it. Corporate politics are terrifying at best, but with a little moxy, luck, and tequila, you’ll be well on your way to business stardom. Just don’t trust the man in the red jacket! Your lucky emo band is My Chemical Romance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Those high schoolers at the Dairy Queen aren’t really laughing at you, they’re just intimidated by your sexiness. Steer clear, or you’ll wind up alone in an alley with your wallet missing and 50 Cent in your record collection. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Your lucky emo band is Pedro the Lion.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Kitten, Twinkies are no good for your alien love-child. Ho-ho’s are far better. Be on the look out for a magic hobo next week. He brings you tidings of joy and lower rates on car insurance. Your lucky emo band is Fall Out Boy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Your little buddies may think cutting is cool, but lockjaw is about as unsexy as it gets. Check those old razors for rust in between making mix tapes and writing your fifth “current mood: depressed” entry of the day on LiveJournal. Your EMT will thank you. Your lucky emo band is Bayside.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Nobody likes a sore loser, so instead of sulking in the corner when you’re trounced by that hair dresser with the split lip, bust out those jello shots from the back of your fridge and throw yourself a rockin’ party. Your lucky emo band is Sunny Day Real Estate.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Danger, dear reader, danger! An upcoming encounter with a dilapidated Ford Bronco may cost your more than your dignity, and that money you buried under a rock in the front yard will prove not as safe as you once thought. On the bright side, that hottie at the bar is totally checking you out. Your lucky emo band is Braid.