Just Us Nerds

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, they probably are. Even if they aren’t, the whole mutual trust thing has already been blown, hasn’t it? Let’s face it; the communication went out of your relationship a long time ago. If you are looking for reasons to leave then it is time to leave. If you don’t think anyone is cheating on you, good for you. You might just survive this relationship mess. Go have a talk with your significant other. Better yet, kiss them somewhere special.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is a good week to grab your family and a cooler of your favorite beverage and head north. Don’t go south. South is bad and may just destroy you. I suggest a picnic in a national park or perhaps the lawn and garden section at Walmart. Don’t drink too much beer. If you do, buy the expensive stuff. Don’t embarrass yourself with Pabst or Old Milwaukee.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This is a good week to bug your friends on the phone. Tell them all about your problems. Take as much time as you need. Remember, it is all about you — both of you. Also, you probably know that someone close to you is lying to you. Think about it. Would they really have said something like that to you if they weren’t lying? Confront them. Make them pay for their duplicity. Don’t be afraid to use your angry voice.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is an excellent week to update your resume. No, I don’t think you are about to lose your job. OK, well maybe. But seriously, you’ve really been slacking off lately and the rest of the staff has certainly noticed. It may be time to cut and run. You’ve been treating your friends like crap lately too. Try not to be such a jerk this week for once and maybe you won’t be out of work and friendless . . . again.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Damn you are getting fat. Has anybody else noticed how much weight you’ve been putting on? Oh sure, the other horoscopes out there will tell you you’re just retaining water, but they are seriously lying right to your face. Get your lazy butt on a treadmill and switch to the diet soda before you have to ask for the belt extension on the airline. I’m just telling you this because I love you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Virgo, you are going to have another awesome week. Not only is money heading your way, but people all around you are noticing how cool you are. Offers are coming at you from all sides and almost every one of them is good. Have you been getting more looks from the opposite sex . . . even the same sex? It is only because they are in awe of your overwhelming powers of coolness. The good news is that your sign is looking great for the considerable future. You rule Virgo!

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
What, are you being selfless again? Geez Libra, you are starting to make the other signs look bad. Try to stay out of the burning buildings, but otherwise keep up the good work. Also, this is your week to buy a milkshake machine. Don’t settle for a blender. Blenders are for Leos and other ne’er do wells.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Scorpio, it is time you invested in self-adhesive security lined envelopes for all of your mail. Aren’t you tired of people reading your correspondence? Tape the mouth of the envelope down too. Your secrets are worth keeping and there are vultures everywhere. Don’t wear red, blue, green, yellow or orange this week. Black, white and brown are safe. I know that’s a tall order, but you’ll thank me when you find out what someone close to you just ate.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is a terrible week for you to eat potatoes. Stick with rice, cottage cheese or a nice fruit plate. Don’t mistake Teflon for Kevlar. Keep a bottle of water by the bed. If someone tells you they love you, say “I love you too.” Otherwise, I think you are ready. You’ve been training for this week for a long time. You know what to do.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Get a massage this week. You may not think you can afford it, but you’d be surprised at the number of financial opportunities that are presented to you while you are face down with somebody’s hand gripping your gluteus. All right, the offer might not come until later in the day, but the massage is the key. You turned down money last week Cappy, are you gonna do it again? Don’t forget to tip.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
OK, the advice I’m going to give you may seem complicated and random, but you’ll thank me when you see the result. First, contact an old friend you’ve lost touch with, but don’t speak to them for more than fifteen minutes. Next, send a postcard to a relative that contains the phrase, “we stand by each other”. After that, thumbtack a five dollar bill to a nearby wall and give it to the first person who asks about it. Finally, take a long walk through your neighborhood and be open to starting a conversation. What will this do for you? I can’t tell you, but it will be amazing.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
You didn’t go to Mexico last week, did you? It’s ok. It was worth a shot. You won’t get another chance for a long time though. For this week, avoid television, cream cheese, the novels of John Irving and hot water. Do embrace your hidden talent. Embrace it as often and for as long as you can. Clean up afterwards.