Just Us Nerds

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
So, has it come to this? Have you stopped looking inward and started looking outward to find your pleasures. Have you grown that distant? Congratulations! That personal fulfillment crap wasn’t doing you any good anyway. Life is a party and you are three drinks behind partner. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frank Sivero

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Say, you’re looking pretty good this week. Your breath smells better, your hair is shinier and your teeth haven’t sparkled like that in months. Did you get some work done? No, of course you didn’t. What you did do was embrace the inner you that makes you so you and you should feel proud of that you brave, brave you. Your lucky veteran character actor is Bruce McGill.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Did you play the game again this week? Did you play it well? Did you get what you wanted? Keep telling yourself that it will all work out in the end. Go ahead. I want to hear you say it right now. Be proud of who you are, whether you are worth being proud of or not. Your lucky veteran character actor is Stephen Tobolowsky.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
How long has it been since you watched Sesame Street? That show has changed over the years. They’ve even weaned Cookie Monster off of cookies. That seems a bit odd doesn’t it? Kind of like what has been going on in your life lately. You didn’t think I’d noticed did you? Oh, I noticed. You’d better shape up. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kurtwood Smith.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
There isn’t enough lotion in the world to make that icky feeling go away so stop trying. You need to learn to live inside your skin because you are stuck there. Accept your flaws. Embrace your strengths and get your ass back on track. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kevin Dunn.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Have you ever wondered what Superman would be like if he had Batman’s personal history? What would have happened if Jonathan and Martha Kent had been wealthy urbanites gunned down in front of Clark’s eyes? What would have happened if a young Clark had fallen into the Bat Cave? What would have happened if Clark had a personal fortune that was measured in the billions? I’ll tell you what would have happened; Superman would have been the coolest superhero ever. Think about that the next time you whine about your personal life. Your lucky veteran character actor is Terence Stamp.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
So the other day I was walking into the grocery store and I was accosted by a young woman who wanted me to carry her bags out to the car. I am a gentleman, so I did it, but I still feel the request was a bit out of line. Random acts of helpful generosity take their toll. Your lucky veteran character actor is Brian Smiar.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The amount of rage a person feels is roughly parallel to the amount of love they have to give, if that person is a raging psychopath. Quit telling yourself that love and anger are intertwined. Learn to let love be happy. Making yourself miserable is a sign that you are a moron. Your lucky veteran character actor is Donald Moffat.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I keep telling the people at the laundromat that light starch is as much starch as I will ever want or need, but once again my shirt feels like a plate of armor. Who do you have to wash around here to get a decent shirt? Oh the rinse cycle has been cruel to me over the years. Speaking of cruel, I don’t think you should be using your friends like doormats. I just thought you should know. Your lucky veteran character actor is Charles Lane.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? Are you more of a stalker or a stalkee? Try to get stalked more often and to cut down on the amount of stalking that you yourself do. You’ll be proud of yourself for the change and everyone who is stalking you will be impressed as well. Your lucky veteran character actor is Earl Cameron.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Clean your room. Do all your chores. Eat everything on your plate and stop listening to that noise you call music. I’m serious. I will put you in time out if you don’t start shaping up, and if you know anything about time out, you know that you are in no way ready for that kind of torture. Do you get the point? Your lucky veteran character actor is Phillip Baker Hall.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Whatever you think you know, just remember that a rotten tomato is far better than a fresh one, at least when it comes to throwing. You’ve been walking along the edge of darkness for some time now, and I am proud of you. It is only when you fall into the abyss that you can truly appreciate what you mean to yourself. Nice work. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frankie Faison.