Just Us Nerds

I’ll bet you didn’t know it (because you won’t see any news of it on television) but this is Turn Off The TV Week. The TV-Turnoff Network is behind this drive to get people to turn off the television and go do something . . . anything. Frankly, the concept of life without television scares me. For much of my formative childhood years, TV was my only friend, and certainly the only one who didn’t talk about me behind my back or steal things from my room. I could never turn on (or is that turn off) my dear friend TV, but I can help those of you who do want to try by proposing some things that you can do instead of watch television.

For the Kids:

• Run for student body president against another member of your family. When both of you lose the election, realize just how much you really care about your sibling.
• Save someone in danger, get a lot of media attention, and let it go to your head, only realizing later the true meaning of heroic.
• When your sister steals your boyfriend, make up an imaginary one. Keep holding on to the lie even when it becomes obvious to everyone that you are a total loon.
• Become compulsively obsessed with fire safety, constantly berating other members of your family for their reckless attitudes.
• Accept two dates to the big dance, and then spend all of your time trying to convince a lame assed singer to appear at the dance. When pressed for answers, tell people that “something suddenly came up.”
• Lose your car privileges just before your big date, and then conspire to “borrow” the car anyway.

For the Adults:

• “Accidently” get caught naked by a friend, and then spend the rest of the week trying to “even the score”.
• When faced with a choice between two potential lovers, make a list comparing the pros and cons of each relationship. Make sure that you leave the list in a place where the potential lovers can find it.
• In an effort to become smarter without spending too much money, buy and read a single letter of an encyclopedia. Whenever in conversation with someone else, try to steer it to subjects that begin with that letter.
• Make a resolution that is hard to keep. Immediately start obsessing over it. Break the resolution by the end of the week.
• Within days of breaking off a major relationship, go on a date with an attractive but bland potential partner. Spend the entire date obsessing over your ex. Call the ex while sitting in front of your date. Express surprise when the date doesn’t work out.