Just Us Nerds

“Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag and The Thursday Night Bullet Points are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

A couple of quick announcements before we begin tonight: at last check, Just Us Nerds has 1689 friends on MySpace with over 9,000 pending friend requests. As we can only approve 10 at a time, be patient… we’ll add you eventually!

And we were surfing the web looking for Cubs jerseys last night when we stumbled upon this shirt. Because this shirt RULES, The Bullets will give the person who emails us the best picture of themselves wearing it 10 bucks. If you’re actually a firefighter and the picture is of yourself in the shirt in front of your firetruck or station house or something, and you win, we’ll make it 20 bucks. If you’re a hot girl over the age of 18, and you send us a picture of yourself in the thong, and you win, it’ll still be 20 bucks, but the picture will probably also become our wallpaper. Think of the prestige.

Anyway, email pictures to thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com. As soon as we have a winner, we’ll let ya know.

• Babyshambles frontman and profesional shitbag Pete Doherty figures that his life has been so interesting that he can publish some of his journals. The Bullets attempted to reach every single person on the face of the Earth who would be interested in reading said journals, but we found that not even one of them had the ability to actually answer a ringing telephone. Mostly they just stared at them & made “eeee-eeee” noises like the monkeys at the beginning of 2001.



• DMX was cited by Scottsdale, Arizona police for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, which is a misdemenaor. A spokesman for the rapper, famous for such songs as Shot Down, Rob All Night (If I’m Gonna Rob), Niggaz Done Started Something, ATF, and Bring Your Whole Crew, said “What? He had a gun? You’re shitting me!”



• Oscar-winning actress and America’s lil dumplin’ Reese Witherspoon is filing a rather hefty lawsuit against Star magazine for running a false story that she’s pregnant again. We were planning on posting a Bullet tonight about how her face was flattened by a fallen piece of the Skylab space station when she was a baby, but we’ve decided against it, and will issue a retraction anyway, just to be safe.



• Hottie boom-a-lottie Naomi Watts has flown back to Australia to attend the wedding of her longtime pal, hottie boom-a-lottie Nicole Kidman, who is marrying country star Keith Urban this weekend. The Bullets wishes Naomi & Nicole a great little visit, and we also hope that the gals get to spend some real quality time together. You know… maybe a sleepover… having a pillow fight in their underwear… practicing kissing techniques on each other… er… sorry, what were we talking about again?

  

• Bassist Andy Nicholson is leaving the Arctic Monkeys. Until he is replaced, fans of the band will have to settle for listening to U2, Coldplay, Snow Patrol, Franz Ferdinand, Fall Out Boy, Death Cab For Cutie, Painc! At The Disco, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Strokes, The Killers, Modest Mouse, The White Stripes, The Futureheads, Maroon 5, Jet, The Coral, Ben Lee, Oasis, Pulp, Badly Drawn Boy, The Verve, Richard Ashcroft, Inspiral Carpets, Morrisey, Blur, and Suede.



• Everybody Loves Raymond sad sack & formerly funny stand-up comic Ray Romano will be working for HBO soon. The network is developing a series with Romano and the producers of 24, about a fortysomething billionaire with 6 months to live. No word yet on if the show will be filmed in real time, ala 24, but considering it takes Romano nearly 10 minutes to drone out each sentence, we kinda think not.



• 80’s teen icons Corey Feldman & Corey Haim are planning on working together again. Ah, fuck it… go ahead and write your own joke. We’re tired. Try something about the drugs. Or maybe the whole not having a career anymore thing. Didn’t Feldman used to hang around with Jacko, and dress up like him & stuff? Maybe there’s something there.



• A French court has dismissed a lawsuit alleging the screenplay for the film Syriana was “largely borrowed” from a script written in 2002 by Stephanie Vergniault. In the official transcript of the proceding, the judge is quoted as saying, “What, is she fucking kidding? Did you see that movie? What the hell was that thing even about?”



• We’ve been seeing alot of the trailer for the next creatively bankrupt Hollywood crapfest, the Wayans Brothers’ Little Man. So we’re ripping off Bugs Bunny cartoons now? That’s Baby Buggy Bunny, featuring Baby Face Fenster… they even show him shaving in the mirror with the cigar. Do the Wayans Brothers actually think they’re as funny as Bugs fucking Bunny? They aren’t even as funny as The Snorks.

Give tha Bunny his props, yo:

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to our field trip to THE FARM! C’mon along!!!