“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests — we did. But you can’t hold the whole Thursday Night Bullet Points responsible for the actions of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you … isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!”
- The Brad Pitt/Angelina Joile babywatch has officially ended. Joile delivered little Shiloh by C-section Saturday in Namibia. In a related story, Mira Sorvino had a baby a couple days later, and nobody noticed. Sorry Mira! Bad timing!
- Hey, remember cute lil Nelly Furtado from a few years back? Technically not The Bullet’s style of music, but it was interesting and different, and therefore, to us, relevant. Well, she’s back… with an album called “Loose,” a boring, by-the-numbers new single called “Promiscuous Girl,” and a slutty, hey-who’s-gonna-fuck-me-next performance on the season finale of SNL the other night, worthy of Christina herself. You’ve convinced us, Nelly… you’re a talentless slut. Keep up the good work!
- “They hate us because of our freedom!” Oh yeah? Well that’s bullshit. Wanna know why the world hates us and wants to kill us? Look no further than the smug “look-how-pretty-and-hip-we-are!” assholes in the ugly-ass madras clothing dancing around in the latest Old Navy commercial. Those fuck-sticks have jihad written all over them. Seriously, kids… don’t go vacationing abroad while Old Navy is still in business.
- Speaking of commercials… we keep seeing those Hanes commercials, and we just have to ask. Are Kevin Bacon & Michael Jordan living together? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Psssst… Kyra… call us.
- “It’s so hard to get the mayo ouuuut…” Newsflash: If you can’t get mayonaisse out of a jar, your biggest problem isn’t making a sandwich. Forget the squeeze bottle… it’s all over, baby.
- The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences plans on honoring diminutive weirdo & pop idol Prince with a Webby award, recognizing him for his efforts to distribute music & connect with his fans via the internet. The Bullets reached Prince for comment, but he just chastized us for cursing, mumbled something cryptic about Jesus, then wandered off saying he had to find a llama.
- DC Comics is ressurecting Kathy Kane, AKA Batwoman, and plans to depict her as a hot lesbian. In a related story, after the announcement was made, the Earth was driven slightly off it’s axis due the sheer number of horny comic book geeks running to the bathroom and slamming shut the door.
- Drunken psycho & all-around disaster Anna Nicole Smith put a message on her website confirming long-standing rumors that she’s pregnant. The Bullets attempted to contact the baby’s father, but only manged to get a statement from his agent, which read, “Satan, the Dark Prince, and hoary host of the Netherworld is very pleased with the impending birth of his spawn, the anti-christ.”
- And in reality TV news, brain-dead skank Paris Hilton & her pal, bulemic heroin-addict Nicole Ritchie are reuniting for the new season of The Simple Life, which will debut Sunday night on E! The dilaudid duo will spend this season working as nannies. Yeah… that’s who you want watching your kids. A spokesperson for the two celebutaunts released a statement, which read, “Satan, the Dark Prince, and hoary host of the Netherworld is pleased that Paris & Nicole are back. Soon all will be in readiness.”
What’s love to you?
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids… Who’s blown up now sucka????
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