I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that beacause you think you’re fat? Cuz you’re not… you could be drinking whole if you wanted. I have your Thursday Night Bullet Points in my locker. You should probably come and get them soon, cuz I can’t fit my numchucks in there anymore.
- Don’t adjust your set, Smallville is actually new tonight. Whoops, nevermind… it’s another rerun. Ya know, it’s been so long I kinda forget what’s going on… but I think that big doofus in the flannel shirt might be Superman.
- According to his agent, Wonder Years star Fred Savage & his wife Jennifer are expecting their first baby in July. Insiders report that the baby’s internal voiceover monologue will be performed by Daniel Stern’s son, Henry Stern.
- Although the “sassy-gal-can’t-find-the-right-guy” genre is pretty deeply mined these days, Julia Louis Dreyfuss’ new show is actually pretty funny. Now all she needs to do is keep Michael Richards away from it.
- Hey. Jerry Reynolds. Stop giving the Sacramento Kings nicknames, already. Mike Bibby is The Bibbinator? Kevin Martin is K-mart? K-MART? Jeez Louise, don’t these guys have enough problems?
- In reality TV news, James Carville & Mary Matalin plan to star in their own reality series for Lifetime Television starting sometime in the fall. The show will be called “Election” and will feature the bickering couple managing the campaigns of two high school students running against each other for class president. No exact date set yet… but when it is announced, I’ll mark the day before it on my calander, so that I can have huge spikes driven into my eyes so I don’t accidentally see any of it.
- It’s Ric Ocasek’s Birthday today! He’s 57, and his presents will be opened by Todd Rundgren.
- And it’s Blur singer Damon Albarn’s 38th birthday. The Gallagher brothers planned a press conference to claim that it was their birthday today as well, but Liam drank himself into a stupor, and when Noel tried to wake him up they got in a big fist fight and never showed up.
- In New York City yesterday, the cast of the musical Spamalot were joined by thousands of people banging coconuts together. The stunt was an attempt to break the Guiness Book’s world record for biggest waste of time ever connected with a broadway play. The record is currently held by the 5,245 people who attended the 1985 Cats mass string-dangle.
- How exactly does one get drops of Jupiter out of their hair? Would that require some kind of specialized hair care product, like a salon kinda deal?
- Even with his flub near the end where he says the actual line from the movie, this is still the funniest thing Alec Baldwin’s ever done. I know it’s not Christmas anymore, but SNL re-ran it saturday night. If you’re a fan of Glengarry Glen Ross, it’s a must see.
“PUT THAT COCOA DOWN.”
That’s it for The Bullets this week kids. Don’t stare directly into the sun.
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