Just Us Nerds

“If Clark wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…and deep down, I’m not”

• A bronze representation of what little Suri Cruise’s shit might look like will be on display at Capla Kesting Fine Art, in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district. The piece is called “Bronzed Baby Poop” and will be auctioned on eBay, with proceeds going to the March Of Dimes. Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise will bronze little Suri herself, and sell her on eBay with all proceeds going to the March Of Insane Hollywood Fuck-faces In Werido Made-up Religions.
• Speaking of Tom Cruise, Brooke Sheilds says that he appologized to her for his psycho rant about her taking anti-depressants. No word yet on when we get an appology for Days Of Thunder.
• In music news, this year’s Farm Aid benefit concert will feature polka superstar Jimmy Sturr and his orchestra. The band was booked as a part of the Farm Aid organization’s concerted efforts to find artists even less relevant than John Melencamp and Dave Matthews.
• Erstwhile West Wing president Martin Sheen has enrolled at National University Galway, in Ireland. The actor is pursuing a bachelor of arts degree, and will study English literature and oceanography. Classes started yesterday, and by last night Charlie Sheen had already thrown an empty keg of Guiness through the elder Sheen’s dorm room window and jumped out wearing a toga & a bra on his head.
• According to her publicist, Ashley Simpson started rehersals this week to play Roxie Hart in the upcoming London production of Chicago. The Bullets reached our pal, Chicago veteran Bebe Neuwirth, for comment, and we made her blow her Diet Pepsi out of her nose.
• And Ashley’s dimwitted big sister Jessica Simpson has been ordered not to sing by her doctor, due to a bruised vocal cord. The Bullets is trying to find out her doctor’s name, so that we can petition congress to make September 2nd a national holiday in his honor.
• After actor & Angelina Jolie’s dad Jon Voight wished his grandson Maddox a happy birthday from the 4th annual BAFTA tea party, he said hello to his granddaughter Zahara, but called her “Shakira.” He then went on to send well wishes to Angelina’s boyfriend “B. Pitty” and the couple’s new baby, “Shaka Zulu.”
• INSERT YOUR OWN KYRA PHILLIPS BATHROOM JOKE HERE.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of the original goth chicks, Yvonne De Carlo, turned 84 yesterday. Happy Birthday, Lilly! Oh, and Edgar Rice Burroughs would have turned 131, but he’s dead. Hey, that’s pretty goth, too.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. Time for us to exit, Terminator X-it!