Just Us Nerds

Ziggy really sang
Screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan…
He could lick ‘em by smiling
He could leave ‘em to hang
Came on so loaded man…
Well hung and snow white tan

So where were The Bullets
While the fly tried to break our balls
Just a beer light to guide us
So we bitched about his fans
And should we crush his sweet hands?

• “Look how goth I am!” director & world’s oldest emo kid Tim Burton will be directing the film version of the broadway hit Sweeny Todd. The film will of course star Johnny Depp. When The Bullets reached Burton for comment, he said that he was “excited to see how I can turn some more totally new source material into the same crap movie I’ve been making over & over for the last 15 years.” He then excused himself, presumably to go make Depp look like Michael Jackson again.
• Fake magician & Cpt. Hairdo David Copperfield claims he has found the fountain of youth. Copperfield, who has made both the Statue Of Liberty & Claudia Schiffer disappear, plans to turn the location into a resort. When The Bullets reached a spokesman for comment, he said, “Yeah… anymore we just kinda nod & smile when he says shit like that.”
• Justin Timberlake decided to take a pot shot at American idol winner Taylor Hicks this week, saying that the leader of the Soul Patrol “couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.” The Bullets has recieved confirmation that Timberlake is now officially under investigation by the Bureau Of Dead Metaphors. As for Hicks, when we reached him for comment on the situation, he expressed confusion as to how anyone might be able to put music in a bucket, corrected himself after thinking that maybe someone could put a radio in there, earnestly thanked us for being a part of his amazing success, then yelled “WHOOOO WEEEEE!.
• In Music news, Billy Corwin’s re-formed Smashing Pumpkins are in the studio recording their new album. In recent years Corwin has released music with the band Zwan & as a solo act. The Bullets has discovered that the new album is tentitively entitled “Hey you guys… c’mon… hey, listen to me… LISTEN TO MEEEEE!!!!!”
• Execs at the new CW Network have announced that a writer’s strike would in no way hamper the production of it’s upcoming season of America’s Next Top Model, primarily because no one associated with show knows how to read.
• Moon-faced over-actress & weirdo baby-namer Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been taking a break from acting for the past two years while she had her 2 babies, has announced that she’s ready to get back to work. Oh well… it was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
• And finally, in nerd birthday news, H.P. Lovecraft turns 115 today. Hail, Cthulhu!

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. KILL YOUR TV!