Just Us Nerds

Imagine stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and The Bullets, you’ll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles.

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Hey there, kids! The Bullets is proud to announce our next T-Shirt Photo Contest. Just take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt, which rules, and email it to us at thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com

As always, the winner will be detrmined by The Bullets staff, and will recieve the big $10.00 prize! Good luck, and get snapping!

• In a shocking announcement that stunned everyone on the face of the earth, *NSYNC-erator Lance Bass revealed to People magazine Wednesday that he’s gay. Later in the day Patrick Stewart called to reveal that he’s bald, and the dessicated corpse of Paul Lynde dug itself out of it’s grave, shambled into People Magazine headquarters, and announced that it’s dead.



• Lindsay Lohan collapsed from heat exhaustion on the set of her new movie in L.A. Tuesday, and was rushed to the hospital for treatment. When The Bullets asked if the collapse might have been related to her alleged hard-partying lifestyle, a spokesman for La Lohan said, “No, that’s ridiculous… this was plain old heat exaustion, just like Sid Vicious used to get.”



• Speaking of collapsing, Prince’s marriage has also collapsed. Manuela Testolini, second wife of His Royal Badness himself, is filing for divorce. Apparently the court documents cite irreconcilable differences, but when The Bullets reached Manuela’s lawyers for comment, they said that was because they couldn’t agree on the proper legal terminology for “Sometimes Prince makes me smear 1040 motor oil all over my naked body, and ride around on an ostrich that’s been dyed purple with a Malibu Barbie doll shoved up my ass, and a stuffed ocelot wearing earrings & lipstick balanced on my head and I really don’t wanna have to do that stuff anymore.”



• According to our pals over at TMZ.com, a bicyclist in Iowa City, IA was injured when he was struck & pinned under the Girls Gone Wild tour bus. It is unclear exactly what the fuck the Girls Gone Wild tour bus was doing in Iowa, but the cyclist was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was later trapped under a fallen crate of silicone breast implants.



• In a fitting memorial, the ashes of Star Trek’s beloved James “Scotty” Doohan will be shot into space this fall. The ashes of 100 other people will also be on the flight, including the Mercury program’s beloved Gordon “Gordo” Cooper, and Barney Miller’s beloved Abe “Fish” Vigoda. When The Bullets reached Vigoda’s management for comment, we were told that he “isn’t dead.”



• We at The Bullets believe that we have solved the mystery of the whereabouts of little Suri Cruise, who hasn’t been seen by anyone except Leah Remini and Will & Jada Pinkett Smith since her birth. Our extensive investigation included about a half a bottle of Cuervo Black, watching House Of Wax on pay-per-view, and clicking this link. We really don’t need to explain any further, do we?



• 55 year-old Chris Storm of Amarillo, TX has won the annual Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest at Sloppy Joe’s in Key West. Two weeks ago Storm won the Los Angleles Dodger pictcher Hugh Casey look-alike contest, and he hopes to win next week’s Kurt Cobain look-alike contest, thus being the first American to win the prestigious Triple Crown Of Look-Alike-Contests Of People Who Blew Their Own Heads Off With Shotguns.



• And finally, in nerd birthday news, legendary television producer Norman Lear, creator of All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Good Times, Fernwood 2nite, and about a billion other great shows, turns 83 today. We at The Bullets would like to wish Mr. Lear all the best, and we thank him for all the great TV.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re all very excited about the upcoming Borat flick, and are off to catch the trailer. Do join us, won’t you?

***Make Click!***