It’s time for some football, kids… JUN Sports presents our Week One wrap up.
- The Broncos won. It was ugly, but that’s gonna be their season this year. With one of the worst off-seasons ever recorded, and a wild, crazy-ass kid that no one knows what the hell he’s gonna do next as starting QB, they’re gonna have to be scrappy, and make it through the season just like they made it through the opener… by any means necessary.
- The Broncos-Bills game was marred by the horrific injury to the Bill’s Kevin Everett, who at post time, was still not out of the woods yet. In a game that is brutal by nature, that was exceptionally brutal. We here at JUN Sports hope that he’ll be OK… but it doesn’t look good.
- The Raiders took a bad loss in The Black Hole. As one of our JUN Sports correspondents actually bleeds Silver & Black (He does… I’ve seen it) we will refrain from extensive raider bashing here. We’ll just leave it with saying that since they were apparently using the “we don’t need you to win” chip in their signing negotiations with Jamarcus Russell… guess who just made a PILE of money today, and will probably be suited up on Wednesday?
- Check out the highlights from the Green Bay – Philly game. It looks like a giant fucking rugby scrum, mixed with “catch the greased-up deaf guy” from Family Guy.
- Both the Cowboys & the Giants look pretty good offensively… but the score says that both of their Ds need a little work, doesn’t it? And with all the guys they already lost during the game, if Eli Manning is out for more than a month, Big Blue is fucked. I don’t know who that back-up QB is, but he looks like the bouncer at a Creed gig in Tallahassee, circa 1996.
- The Bears lost to the Chargers, which was to be expected, I guess… but what was interesting is that they set out to stop LT… and they pretty much did. If you can hold him to 2 TDs, and he has to throw one of them in a freaky fake-screen gadget play… hey, that’s not bad. Of course, now they need to actually win.
- Just as suspected, the addition of happy, healthy Randy Moss has made the Patriots pretty much unstoppable. New England is now a frightening force of nature, and has a good shot at winning it all.
- Speaking of frightening forces of nature, look out for the fucking Colts. They didn’t rest after they won it all last year. They knew everyone would be gunning for them, and they made the appropriate adjustments. Did you see that D? Did you see those new formations (two tight ends????)? Did you see Harrison catch a TD pass from Payton on the left side of the field? Scary stuff, kids.
- A note to anyone in the Viking’s division: Watch your asses. They’re for real, and they pose a threat. As evidenced by his performance today, as well as in the pre-season, they didn’t just decide to make Adrian Peterson’s nickname AD (“All Day”) because it sounds nice. We predict he will be one of the most exciting players to watch in the game this year.
- Um… what the hell happened to Kansas City? Are there dioxins in the water down there? Inquiring minds want to know.
- Clinton Portis finally did some damage for the Redskins. Champ’s been good for the Broncos from the get-go, so it’s nice to see the trade was actually mutually beneficial.
- OK, sure, it was against Cleveland, and that may actually be a Pop Warner team they have there… but the Steelers, particularly Big Ben, looked good. Maybe all that attention they’re getting at the Hall Of Fame shook something loose.
- New Orleans, Tennesee, Jacksonville, and St. Louis all looked pretty underwhelming.
- The Monday night games were crazy… McNair doesn’t look so good, and Ray Lewis hurt his arm. Cincinatti is the walking wounded, but there’s no denying Carson Palmer performed well, and the team could be trouble this year.
- As for the Niners & the Cards… The Niners won, but Smith looked horrible until the last drive, and no one else was really stepping up. And the Cardinals? They need to get over their habit of losing games they should have won in the last quarter, or their fans will all wind up on Prozac.
Here’s a highlight reel from Week 1, posted by youtuber SunDevilDon.
This has been your JUN Sports NFL Week One wrap-up. We’ll be back to post-mortem Week 2, just like QUINCY, BITCHES! Until then, grab your controlers, and suit those little digital warriors up… It’s MADDEN TIME!
And speaking of Madden…
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