ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This is an excellent week for you to focus on the negative. A lot of those other horoscopes will tell you to keep positive, but those horoscopes are for posers and wimps. Delve into the deepest and darkest parts of your life. Get really depressed. Sit on the sofa nearly catatonic for at least a day. Will it do you any good? If you think so, then you aren’t focusing enough on the negative yet.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is your week to be pliant and easily led. You spend way too much time trying to take charge of your life. Instead, why not try having the rest of the world run your life for you? Be a follower. Don’t take the initiative. If someone tells you to do something, obey it without question. If you have a dream, let that dream die for virtually no reason. There is true strength in a complete lack of spine.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
If clouds really had silver linings, they would plummet from the sky crushing every optimist who dared to stare up at them. Keep your head down Gemini. Those other horoscopes out there are telling you that the answer to a great secret will be revealed to you this week. Screw the secret. Quit waiting for secrets to be revealed to you and start making some secrets of your own. Oh, and this is a good week to splurge on an expensive cheese.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is a good week for you to eat graham crackers, salad, tangerines, tangelos and popcorn. Stay away from any meats that begin with the letter P. Keep your telephone conversations short. Avoid driving over the speed limit. Return all shopping carts to the front of the store. Don’t wax anything, especially body parts.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Would you quit calling your ex in the middle of the night? Man, are you clingy! No more notes. Quit emailing. Stop driving by the house. It is really starting to creep your ex out. The two of you aren’t getting back together. All you are doing at this point is causing damage that may never be repaired. Have you heard of a restraining order? If not, you will soon.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Looking good Virgo! You must have lost weight, and your skin has never been clearer. Your comebacks are snappy and your advice is the wisest in the zodiac. Expect more good things to happen to you this week. You don’t even need to bother to expect them; they’re going to happen anyway. Damn it is cool to be you.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This is a pivotal moment for your star sign. Each day, for the next seven days, you will be presented with the opportunity to destroy something of great value. I can’t tell you whether to take these opportunities or not, because these are the moments when you are in full control of your own fate. This almost never happens. The last time a moment this crucial came for your star sign was in 1654, and we all know what happened then.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Nice week to go to the beach. If you aren’t near a beach, at least find a nearby pool, but the beach is better in so many ways. Walk barefoot for a while and enjoy what is coming to you. Just relax and take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
OK, you can eat potatoes again, although I would still keep a bottle of water by the bed. If you like to imbibe, this is an excellent week for your intoxicant of choice. Just don’t drive or do anything else stupid. Enjoy, don’t destroy. If you have been putting off purchasing a new bathrobe, this is the week.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Did you turn down money for a second time in two weeks? Well, that’s probably the last chance you’re going to have for a while, so if you blew it, you might as well just deal with it. There’s going to be a lot of information coming at you this week. There will also be the opportunity to see someone naked, but knowing you you’ll show too much self-restraint.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Those other horoscopes are trying to tell you to be more cooperative this week. Man, those idiots screw it up every time. I swear, at the next convention I am going to crack some skulls. Your coworkers aren’t going to realize what jerks all on their own. You have to tell them. Oh, and if you are sitting there thinking “I don’t have any coworkers” get a JOB!
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Stop watching reality television. You don’t need any more reality in your life. What you need is a good fantasy. Imagine what life would be like if you were a monkey or a Libertarian. Imagine how nice life would be if you could pass gas without a sound. Imagine your next job as an underwear model. Now go blow your nose, it is getting a little drippy.
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