Boy, retro is really where it’s at these days. And it’s not just bell bottoms, or leg warmers, or the threatened Dallas movie. The hot new trend? Retro diseases, baby! The mumps are back, strutting their stuff in Des Moines IA, and threatening to spread thoughout the red states. Not retro enough for ya? Well, a lady in L.A., always on the cutting edge of what’s hot & what’s not, has recently come down with a case of BUBONIC PLAGUE! That’s old school, y’all.
Here’s a list of other old-timey afflictions that have recently changed representation, or hired new publicists. If you think you have any of them, just look them up on webMD. Then you’ll be SURE that you have them.
- adenoids
- Bilious Fever
- Black Pox
- Camp Fever (hello, muddah…)
- Canine Madness (yikes!)
- Consumption
- Decrepitude
- Dropsy
- Elephantiasis (not to be confused with Elephantitis)
- Falling Sickness (maybe lil Sean Preston has this)
- The Fits
- The Grippe
- Lockjaw (now THATS a badass disease. “LOCKJAW, motherfucker!)
- Lumbego
- Nervous Exhastion
- Polio Potter’s Asthma (just as fun as it sounds!)
- Rickets
- Sanguineous Crust (yummy!)
- Scrivener’s Palsy
- Scrumpox (geseundheit)
- Scurvy
- Summer Complaint (not long lines at the multiplex, either)
- The Vapors (not to be confused with the 80’s new wave band)
- Whooping Cough (simple. elegant. classic.)
- Womb Fever (yeah, but don’t we all have this a lil?)
And, as always, if you doctor asks you to stick out you tongue and say “Ahhh” and there’s a tiny coat on it, that’s not your real doctor… that’s Bugs Bunny in a white coat with one of those mirror-things on his head.
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