Just Us Nerds

Monday night marked the return of Everwood, the only family drama on television worth watching. Why is it a great show? Because everybody has their flaws but nobody is truly bad, just like in real life. The parents give good advice and bad advice. The kids screw up one minute then redeem themselves the next. The scenery is gorgeous and the dialog crackles without calling attention to itself. This is a show worth watching, so watch it before the new “CW” network blows its chance to fit it in the fall lineup.

The best part of this great show is Bright Abbott. Bright has transformed over the past three years from horny, self-obsessed high school jock into horny self-obsessed community college nobody who genuinely adores his Jesus-loving, no-sex before marriage girlfriend. Bright turned horny maleness into a Zen art form and I feel the need to share some of his personal wit and wisdom, starting with tonight’s episode and working backwards.

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• Six months in a Hannah healthy relationship. I think I get a pin soon.
• What did you get, a D? And SEE ME? Oh my God that’s never good, especially when it’s all capitalized like that.
• Don’t be a hater. I got a B+. anything above that is pretty much an A.
• If Jennifer can get over Brad, you can get over my sister. We’re gonna find your happy!
• She’s gone. Ms. Pac Man. Did somebody call 911?
• Sometimes your pride comes before your nads. Not often, but sometimes.
• Do you think if aliens would probe you, you’d still be considered a virgin?
• I have to go help my dad. If I die and don’t go to Heaven, I’m gonna be so pissed.
• I know you don’t want to have sex because of the Bible, but I was thinking like, I’m not sure that there’s anything in there that says you can’t take your girlfriend’s bra off.
• She’s not going to have premarital sex until she’s married.
• Sorry! Sometimes I forget how young she is. She’s got the Dakota Fanning thing going on, she acts like a 40-year-old. She freaks me out.
• You’re a social black hole, all light goes into you and dies.
• I thought we agreed that you were going to stop insulting me in Spanish.
• I will smother you with my ass cheeks if I have to!
• Personally, I’d call him an asshat!
• Hannah, if you say ‘thank you’ or ’sorry’ one more time, I think I’m gonna have to kill myself.
• The funny thing is, I keep coming up with more names to put on the list, … like Taco Bell chick, with the clock tattoo. Or was it Taco Time chick with the bell tattoo?