More Stephen Colbert Quotes

People love the Colbert Quotes. They can’t get enough of them, and the beautiful thing is, he makes more of them almost every day. Here are some recent jewels:

• Since today is National Day of Prayer, everyone in America please join hands in a circle… here goes. Oh Lord, tonight, let me bring it. Help me to nail my guests, as they would nail me. And keep my crew in good health, for yea, they are the uninsured. And finally, help mine hand to find mine car keys. I know I had them this morning. Amen.
• We Americans are like the DMV. We look over the application and decide if Congress is allowed back on the road. And because this is a renewal, Congress doesn’t have to go through the rigmarole of a road test and a booklet and answering our questions about the rationale for war.
• Now that fines are ten times higher, the networks will be ten times more nervous about what is and isn’t indecent. Imagine how sparkling clean our airwaves will be as soon as the FCC fines $325,000 every time the networks show anything immoral– like a single parent, or an immigrant worker, or an unshaved beaver.
• I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on amphibians–which is it? Water or land? Pick one. We’re at war.
• Your parents paid for college, the least you can do is reward them with a few more years of your college-educated presence. Show them how enlightened you are by rejecting society’s demands that you ‘get your own place.’ Plus free food and plenty of time to play Halo.
• When I was in high school, prom night was much more innocent. Especially for me since I did not go to prom. I felt the theme of our prom, ‘She Blinded Me with Science,’ was a slap in the face of people of faith.
• We used to think their leader, Muammar Qaddafi, president for life and quote ‘Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Arab Libyan Popular and Socialist Jamahirya,’ was crazy, with his elite cadre of beautiful female bodyguards. Now, we realize he’s just a lovable eccentric, kind of like Prince.
• For every Superman out there, there’s also a Green Arrow. The little guy who can’t fly or bend steel but still makes a contribution, in this case by being pretty good at archery.
• Talking about immigrants always makes me hungry. It’s partly because of the term ‘melting pot.’ Mmmm… delicious racial fondue. Then, a few years ago, people started calling it a ’salad bowl’ which is still pretty good if you toss in enough bacon bits.
• This is a crisis, Nation. Need I remind you, if the democrats take control of congress, democrats will be in control of congress. I used to think that was a myth, like global warming.
• Omaha is one of the country’s largest telecommunications centers, employing over 30,000 individuals who field nearly 20 million toll-free calls per day. Omaha citizens are great on the phone because they don’t have accents–they sound like they’re from nowhere, which is partially true.
• Adding the word ‘not’ to the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it. A signing statement is the presidential equivalent. Now, the president uses more formal language, like ‘I don’t think the constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners.’ This way, the President can make sure a law is applied the way the founders intended. Specifically, the founders of the Bush administration.
• It’s never okay for men to cry! You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. Man holds it in! Until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it’s about to explode, and his gut just aches like there’s a snake wrapped around his heart! That’s why we die earlier, but it’s worth it! At least we don’t look weak while we’re alive.
• You know what you can’t outsource, Fareed? You can’t outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.