Cat eating lasagna!

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008. 7 AM.

Game on.

The Bullets have been relatively silent during the past months leading up to tonight.

It’s mainly that we haven’t been talking the talk so much because we’ve been busier than usual walking the walk. We have friends in the military, and friends in Iraq. We have seen friends layed off. We have gay friends that we would like to see be able to marry the ones that they love, should that be where their paths lead.

But beside these facts, and apart from our own personal opinions & beliefs regarding how we truly think that you should vote, we here at The Bullets are, above it all, in love with the process. We always have been. We live in a Democracy. And tomorrow, we get to exercise what is perhaps the most important benefit of that simple fact.

And this is why we have broken our silence so close to the finish line.

Tomorrow is election day. Vote. We’re not here to tell you that you’re wrong, and that you should vote just like we’re voting. You have your reasons. You have a lifetime of thoughts and experiences that have brought you to where you are tonight. They are uniquely your own, and we wouldn’t dare to second guess them for you. We respect all of them. And we respect all of you. We’re not here to shill, or to coerce, or to condescend.

We’re just here to tell you to vote.

Vote your conscience. Vote for what is right for you.

Vote with your heart and your head… because we truly believe that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

This is the moment.

This is what all the fuss has been about.

It’s your chance to be heard. It’s your chance to to be counted. It’s your chance to not only be a part of history, but to actually make history.

Do not think that your vote doesn’t count. Do not think that the outcome won’t affect you. Do not dismiss this right that you have been endowed with.

There is nothing better to be doing.

There is nothing more important.

Now is the time.

VOTE.

The Bullets wish you a good election experience…
And we now condemn you to humming this
all day.

So shut up and eat your vegetables!

A Message From WGA & DGA member Joss Whedon.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

Since strike information is at a premium right now, The Bullets will turn the rest of tonight’s update to a special guest, who will give his opinon on the DGA deal, as well as update us on his current projects. Please welcome tonight’s Bullets guest contributor, the Cloverfield Monster:

Wait, I don’t see… ah, here he comes.

Oh crap.

Maybe this wasn’t such a goo…

That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

How do we know they didn’t want you to hear it? Well, as the news broke someone mysteriously reported the unitedhollywood.com blog as a “spam blog” thus locking the Strike Captains out for most of the day, before they could report it.

And, if you kept an eye on the Big Six’s media outlets like we did, you would have noticed a virtual absence of stories about the UA agreement aside from an occasional sentence sliding by on their crawls. What you would have noticed was a sharp rise in stories about how crazy Tom Cruise is, mostly by way of lots of stuff about a new hatchet-job “biography” that, although it hardly seems to share the gravitas, was strangely covered almost as thoroughly as the build-up to the New Hampshire presidential primaries.

Oh, and in case you missed the connection… Tom Cruise, it just so happens, co-owns United Artists.

Now, we here at The Bullets have, from time to time, noticed that Tom is crazy. OK… so maybe we might have even said something about him being an insane Hollywood fuck-face in a weirdo made-up religion. (heheheh… awkwaaaaaard!) But hey, even we never accused him of spawning a child with frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm.

• and for the record, we love Tom. In fact, we still cry when Maverick hugs Iceman at the end of Top Gun.

Crazy or not, the facts here remain clear. Crystal. Tom and his company United Artists negotiated in good faith, and a fair deal that was mutually beneficial to all parties was worked out, very much like Worlwide Pants did… something, strangely enough, that the Big Six very loudly proclaims isn’t possible.

That’s odd… Dave & Tom had no trouble. And the buzz is that Lion’s Gate Films is thinkin’ about negotiating a similar deal as well. Check back here for further updates.

And now, a brief word about the upcoming awards season.

The Golden Globes are kaput. Sure the awards will be given out, but they will be done so at a press conference that none of the stars will attend in their fancy get-ups, so who gives a fuck. Now, we at The Bullets enjoy drunken celebrites self-congratulatorily masturbating all over themselves as much as anyone. Hell, if it’s Scarlett Johansen masturbating all over Jessica Alba, probably more than anyone. But here’s the thing. As long as this strike is required, that little shindig had to be shut down.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the only way the Big Six will return to the negotiating table and finally begin bargaining in good faith with that Writer’s Guild is if they are forced to do so by their shareholders. Ya know what reeeeeeally motivates shareholders? Losing money. It’s simple economics, kids: cancelling awards shows will cost the congloms and their shareholders money. The cost to GE/NBC/Universal alone will be massive.

The Golden Globes. What a crock of shit anyway. They’re given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press. We don’t know who they are! Hell, Americans don’t even like the foreign press. But ever since Titanic, a film so bloated and overwrought that it took two of The Big Six to produce it, The Globes have somehow been elevated to the same gala status as the Oscars. And why?

“Hmmmm… I wasn’t going to go see Sweeney Todd, as I have several very valid reasons why I probably won’t like it, such as the fact that I don’t care for musicals, or the fact that every time I see Helena Bonham Carter I really feel like I should go buy her a box of RID… but what’s this???? Why, it says here in the newspaper advertisment that Sweeney Todd was nominated for a whole assload of GOLDEN GLOBES! I am instantly forced to reconsider my decision!”

And the sad thing is, we’re so stupid, that we buy it. Ask the congloms… a Globe or two is worth millions of dollars in extra income for a film.

The Big Six would have you believe that the Globes going bye-bye is just the WGA pissing in everyone’s Post Toasties. In fact, NBC’s Ben Silverman has even said that it’s like “the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in the high school are trying to cancel the prom.”

Now this is an ironic statement at best, seeing that somehow we doubt many of these moguls were captains of their football teams with cheerleaders on their arms… but that aside, DON’T BUY THIS LOAD OF CRAP. The Globes telecast has been cancelled because the members of the Screen Actor’s Guild and the Director’s Guild of America, along with other industry unions, have refused to cross the Writer’s Guild of America’s picket lines. This a show of solidarity by the other unions with their brothers & sisters in the WGA. Because they all know that, with their own contracts with the Big Six up later this year, if the WGA fails they will most likely all fail. And everyone involved, from the actors all the way down to the guys who roll up cable, deserves fair payment for contributing to the content the Big Six are making billions of advertising dollars from by distributing it on the internet.

This isn’t about a bunch of nerds getting back at the jocks. This is about fairness. This is about massive corporations, run by people who are so rich that they are losing their grip on what the very concept of money is, wanting even more money.

G’head… ask a few of them who’s on the 5 dollar bill and count the seconds before they remember.

They only know that they want more of it. They want more of it so much that they won’t even sit down and talk about what might or might not be fair. It’s all for them, nothing for anyone else.

My way, or the highway.

Fuck, or walk.

And we’re sorry, but that’s just not how it’s done.

So, because the Big Bullies are unwilling to come back to the table, and begin negotiations in good faith, the Golden Globe Award telecast is gone. And as far as The Bullets are concerned, good fucking riddance. Pay everyone fairly, and we can all get back to watching a liquored-up Jack Nicholson pretend that he even recognizes whomever happens to be kissing his ass next year.

And we’ve got some more uncomfortable news for the Big Six… if they don’t pull their heads out of their collective asses soon… The Oscars just might be next.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

And for all you procedural crime drama fans out there… here’s a lil something just for you:

We at The Bullets fully support our brothers & sisters in the WGA, and we will do whatever is necessary to aid in their valiant struggle, even if it means letting our heads explode with pent up rage & sarcasm over the Heroes finale, the upcoming Rambo sequel, any relevant Prince weirdness, and the latest drunken starlet escapades.

To make a long story short, the AMPTP (the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers… and by the way, the actual producers would like them to drop that last “P” and call themselves what they really are… 6 massive media conglomerates) walked out on negotiations on Friday, Dec 7th. But first, lets flash back a few weeks, before we get into what that really means.

The WGA has been at the table every day with a list of demands, waiting to engage in good-faith negotiations. See, that’s how negotiating works. You have a number, they counter with a number, you counter back, and eventually you work your way to some middle ground that everyone can live with. Instead, the conglomerates countered with an offer that was clearly unacceptable, if not just plain retarded. Then they fucked around for a few weeks, probably trying to see if the strike was going to “take.” During this time, the WGA agreed to take the DVD residuals issue off the table. A logical & reasonable step on the road to an equitable agreement.

When it became clear that the strike was in fact going to take, the conglomerates said they would come back with a counter offer… they just needed 4 more days to get it finalized. The WGA waited. At table. At the end of the 4 days, the conglomerates then said they needed another day to kinda finish it up. Fine. The WGA waited. At the table.

Friday, the conglomerates came back and plopped a big, fat, steaming load of shit on said table, said “Suck it, bitches!” and walked out.

This is, of course, paraphrased… but it’s meaning is clear.

So here’s where we stand right now.

The AMPTFS has hired an “attack dog” PR firm to attempt to make it look like it’s the writers that are being unfair. Don’t buy it.

This strike isn’t just about now. It’s about the future. Check your computer. This internet thing isn’t just a fad anymore. It’s not going to wind up in the garage in a dusty old box with your Lazer Tag rig & Connie Chung. It is a legitimate, and highly lucrative, distribution venue. The writers want to be compensated accordingly.

They don’t just want this for the people who are fucking up Heroes, or the people scrambling to figure out what’s gonna happen next on Lost, or the people deciding who’s gonna fuck whom next on Boston Legal. They want it for future generations of writers, many of whom will eventually be writing content solely for internet distribution.

They want it for the actors (not the bigtime superstars, we’re talking about the thousands of working stiffs making scale), for the makeup artists, for the grips, and for the schleps running out to get the coffee. The conglomerates are in a union-busting mode, as evidenced by their inclusion of a “no strike” clause in their proposal to the WGA… something that would force WGA members to cross picket lines of any other striking unions. The Screen Actors Guild contract is up in July of next year, and other key entertainment industry union contracts are expiring next year, as well. They are looking for a domino effect that will start all these unions toppling, ensuring that they get an even bigger percentage of entertainment profits than they already get.

This is a power grab, kids. Pure and simple.

The assholes at Time Warner, and Fox, and Disney, and Viacom, and CBS, and G.E. (hmmm… they don’t sound so people-friendly when we call them who they really are instead of disguising them with cool-sounding initials, now do they) want to own the internet, lock, stock, and barrel-full-of-cash.

The advertisers are paying them to show their ads while the content is streamed. The advertisers are paying for ads on the pages from which the content is downloaded. An estimated 4 billion dollars in the next 2 years alone. The fact that the people who write that content, the people without whom there would actually be no content, should get a fair slice of this massive pie seems to us to be beyond common sense.

OK, so we’ve gotten to you, and your ready to do what’s right. Or, you just fucking want Conan back on the air. Either way, you might be asking yourselves what you can do to help out.

Well kiddies, it’s easy: get involved.

Read the blogs. unitedhollywood.com, speechless, and deadlinehollywooddaily.com are a few good ones to start off with, but there are TONS. Follow the links.

Go to pencils2mediamoguls and drop a buck to send a box of pencils to the conglomerates to show your support. Here’s some pencils, Fuck Sticks… write that next gratuitous, and actually kinda creepy, Grey’s Anatomy sex scene yourselves!

If your favorite star is honoring the picket lines, drop them a line and let them know that you approve. You can usually find emails & addresses at their websites, or the websites of their representation. They crave approval!

Boycott! If you’re a fan of good TV, don’t watch the crappy replacement shows & reality crap the networks are going to be trying to jam in your mouths like a fucking pacifier in the weeks ahead as the strike drags on. When that insipid coworker accosts you at the coffee machine and asks if you caught (insert name of mind-numbingly-stupid reality replacement show here) last night, tell them, “No… I’m boycotting that in support of the WGA.” who knows… they might go home and Google it and find out what’s going on.

Instead of you and your crew dropping a hundred bucks or so going the movies this upcoming weekend, order a pizza and play Monopoly. Or Trivila Pursuit. Or fucking strip poker. Anything.

If you’re in La La Land, or NY, go to the pickets. fans4writers.com has a calendar, and is issuing action alerts to let you know where and when your favorite stars and fandoms are protesting.

if you’re elsewhere, go to Pencils Down and see what your fellow fans are up to in regards to supporting the writers.

At the very least… Sign the petiton!

This doesn’t appear to be anywhere near ending, so as a public service to our readers, we’ll be posting strike-related Bullets issues in the days and weeks to come. So check back in to find out what’s up. And again, be involved! We at The Bullets think this is pretty important. If your entertainment is important to you as it is to us, it should be easy to stand up.

It’s just like Billie Jean said, kids…

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

Chuck
Why I Watched: As a nerd, I felt the obligation to honor other nerds by watching their fictional exploits on TV. Also, it looked like fun.
What’s Good: Adam Baldwin is great, even if his character is badly written. Adam is my favorite Baldwin brother, probably because he’s the only one who isn’t related. The girls on the show are smokin’ hot.
What’s Bad: I understand it’s a comedy, but it should still make sense, and most of the plots border on the absurd. The show is basically falling into a weekly formula, which rarely keeps my interest.
Verdict: I haven’t checked out yet, but I haven’t given up on it yet.

Big Bang Theory
Why I Watched: Again with the nerds. Also, it fills that slot between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men.
What’s Good: When the four nerds go off on an obscure intellectual tangent, I almost start to like them.
What’s Bad: The whole sexual tangent. The girl is as bland as it gets and while she’s cute, a real nerd would have tired of her by now. More importantly, she looks annoyed by them, so why does she keep hanging out with them?
Verdict: Leaving it on the Tivo in case I get A LOT of spare time.

Reaper
Why I Watched: Kevin Smith directed the premiere, I gave it a shot.
What’s Good: Ray Wise as the devil is great. The three friends, when they interact, are reasonably funny.
What’s Bad: The Monster of the week format is so predictable that I can just about time the scene changes. The “love” interest has zero chemistry. To be honest, I find the girl whiny and unpleasant.
Verdict: It on notice — if the plot doesn’t get more interesting by the end of sweeps, I’m out of there.

Bionic Woman
Why I Watched: I wanted to see how the Battlestar Galactica people would retool one of my favorite shows as a kid.
What’s Good: Katee Sackhoff is acting circles around Michelle Ryan.
What’s Bad: Katee Sackhoff is acting circles around Michelle Ryan. The sister is annoying. They killed off the doctor I liked. The plots may be darker than the originals, but their no smarter.
Verdict: Off my list.

Life
Why I Watched: Was stuck in a hotel room with nothing else of interest on.
What’s Good: I like the whole zen cop angle, and Adam Arkin is always a great addition to a cast.
What’s Bad: Its basically a darker version of Monk, and I gave up on Monk a year ago.
Verdict: Off my list.

Moonlight
Why I Watched: I had a bad feeling, but the Tivo schedule on Fridays is wide open so I gave it a shot.
What’s Good: The yuppie asshole vampire friend is the lone high point. The Vamp PI’s car is kinda cool.
What’s Bad: Where to start? The hair, the writing, the terrible special effects, the recycling of every horror movie cliché, the bad acting, the overly dramatic score. To think, just a couple years ago that cute Joan girl was doing favors for God in this very same time slot and they canceled it because it got “too dark”.
Verdict: I would say “It sucks” but that would be playing right into their hands. I’m only leaving it on the Tivo because my wife is curious to see “how bad it gets”. I think she’s punishing me for still watching SNL.

Back To You
Why I Watched: Kelsey Grammar was funny once.
What’s Good: Fred Willard made me chuckle once.
What’s Bad: This is every bad sitcom plot rolled into one show. Also, it reminds me of how good a show Sports night was with the same basic premise.
Verdict: Never actually let Tivo record it, so there’s nothing to delete.

Cavemen
Why I Watched: Just in case it was as funny as the commercials.
What’s Good: Nothing comes to mind.
What’s Bad: Not much, its just that there’s nothing good. It isn’t funny,
Verdict: If it lasts till spring, I’ll watch another episode to see if they’ve gotten any better. It is possible.

Big Shots
Why I Watched: The critics absolutely hated it, and I wanted to see why.
What’s Good: All of the lead actors except Michael Vartan are entertaining to watch. One of the reoccurring characters is a Tranny Hooker. I don’t have to root for anyone because they’re all scumbags.
What’s Bad: Any moment that even attempts to be dramatic. They’ve brought in Rob Thomas to “fix” the show.
Verdict: Sadly, regrettably, this is my favorite show of the new season.

So there you have it. Of the lot, Big Shots is the only keeper, and my bet they will ruin it by “fixing” it. TV viewership is WAY down this year, and it will only get worse as these duds fall off the tree and are replaced by shows that weren’t even good enough to start the year against this lousy competition.

Freakin Best Drama: In JCland, The Shield (not nominated) once again walked away with top honors, but in crap-assed Hollywood the used up old whore that was the Sopranos walked away with the top prize. Congratulations. In your honor I will observe a moment of silence. No wait, I already went through that. As Tony would say, nice ending fuck-for-brains.

Best Actor: in JCland Michael Chiklis (not nominated) walked away with this, but in Hollywood, James Spader had to waddle up on the stage to accept his prize. Yeah, he’s pretty good on that lousy show, but of any of the nominees, Hugh Laurie ought to have got it just for the scene where he lay in his own vomit. Now that’s acting!

Best Actress in a Drama: Yeah, big Hollywood Sally Field got it. In her honor Fox TV observed a moment of silence. That network has some Goddamn class!

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Apparently the Emmies were still watching the 2005 Lost, because they gave it to Terry O’Quinn who should have been counted in the Guest Actor slot this year. What did he get, two shows out of 22? Michael Emerson’s bug eyes should have won. I would have loved to hear their acceptance speech.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Katherine Heigl is smokin’ hot. I can live with this one.

Best Comedy Series: My pick, anything BUT Ugly Betty, won. Hmmmm, Butt Ugly Betty, now that would have been an even BETTER name for the show.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series: Ricky Gervais? That no talent hack? When, oh when will they recognize Charlie Sheen’s awesome comedic timing?

Best Actress in a Comedy Series: They gave it to America Ferrara, who in a bold move sent up a drag queen to accept the award for her. Way to recognize the little people America!

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Jeremy Piven won! And he stayed in character by acting like a total a-hole when he accepted the award. Suck it India!

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly won, and she was nice enough to bring her twins up when she accepted. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

Best Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Daily Show! Awesome! Suck it Colbert!!!

Everything Else: Tony Bennett and Robert Duvall. Coincidentally, they’re gonna team up as buddy cops next year! Look for Blue Steel and Blue Veins to sweep the 2009 Emmies!

Now it’s time for me to give out some awards:

Best imitation of a straight guy imitating a gay guy imitating a straight guy: Ryan Seacrest

Best Musical Performance that had next to nothing to do with the TV show it paid tribute to: I’m looking at you Jersey Boys!

Best Dick Move: Cutting Duvall off to talk to the blogger. Hey’ I’m a blogger and I wouldn’t even do that!

Best Kanye West Impersonation: Kanye West. He’s perfected the act!

Best inappropriate Shot of a Guy in the Audience: Was that a far too lingering shot of Tom Selleck during the Soprano’s tribute? It sure was!