Just Us Nerds

There is a plot out there. It is a plot to ruin America. We all see it. We all know it. It is coming at us from all directions, even from our ice cream. Someone is trying to turn All-American ice cream into some sort of fancy gourmet dessert that saps us of our vital fluids. This list is just a warning. I need to be very clear. There are only five safe flavors: chocolate, vanilla, stawberry, pistachio and mint. Anything else is suspect.

1. Butter Pecan – Can you believe this is the third most popular flavor in the United States? It is obviously a plot by the left-wing nut-nuts.
2. Cherries Jubilee – OK, now this has got to be part of the homosexual agenda. No straight man could possibly order an ice cream with jubilee in its name.
3. Truffle – This is yet another example of the French plotting to destroy the American way of eating.
4. Pralines ‘n Cream – I don’t know what a praline is, I don’t know what a praline does, but I know it sounds un-American. It has got to be some kind of French thing. Screw you Frenchie!
5. Cherry Garcia – Why don’t we just take some mushrooms and smoke a doobie? Seriously, this flavor is an acid trip waiting to happen.
6. Half Baked – And here is another druggie flavor. This is a gateway ice cream and we all know it.
7. Nutty Coconut – OK, what is wrong with this picture? There are three regular nuts and coconut on top of that! Eating this is like chewing asphalt.
8. Vermont Blueberry – OK, blue ice cream just feels wrong. I don’t want any part of it.
9. Cinnamon – What the hell? Ice cream should not burn your tongue. Whoever thought of this is just plain sick in the head.
10. Russian Nesselrode – The cold war may be “over” but I for one am not eating anything with Russian in its name. Also, what in the name of all that is holy is a Nesselrode?
11. Dutch Chocolate – We don’t need the Dutch for anything, including chocolate. I’ll take some good old-fashioned American Chocolate thank you.
12. Turkish Coffee – Don’t they put heroin in Turkish coffee? Just what I need, coffee and a smack habit.
13. Orange Sherbet – Should sherbet even be considered ice cream? I don’t know but the whole thing makes me kind of leery. Also, look at that spelling. There’s no second R in sherbet. I am not going to eat an ice cream that the whole country mispronounces.
14. Burgundy Cherry – Alcoholism is nothing to joke about. What does this ice cream say to the youth of America? Nothing good, I can assure you.
15. Neapolitan – This ice cream is all about trying to please everybody. Pick a side. Either order chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. Don’t screw around trying to get them all. This is more French crapola.
16. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk – There is no crying in baseball and there are no grains in ice cream! This is just madness.
17. Peppermint Stick – There should be only one mint flavor in ice cream, and that flavor is mint. Peppermint just confuses people.
18. Chocolate Raspberry Truffle – This sounds like a wedding cake idea gone horribly wrong. Raspberry is about the worst berry on the planet. What is with the hard little seeds? Just say no!
19. Pistachio Almond – For some people I guess pistachio just wasn’t good enough. They had to put almonds in. Pistachio has always been just fine without another nut to help it out. Adding almonds says that pistachio cannot stand on its own, and I simply will not let anyone push pistachio around. Not on my watch comrade.
20. White Chocolate Chip – Chocolate chips are supposed to be black. Next thing you know they’ll be expecting me to eat black vanilla and yellow strawberry. How can we raise a nation of men on white chocolate chips?

I love comedy. Comedy Central is my favorite cable channel and I find myself watching it just about every day. I also love stand-up comedy. There is something magical about a single person standing on stage and connecting with an audience. That said, I’ve been avoiding comedy clubs for years. I love the comics, but I hate the clubs.

Laffs, the comedy club in Tucson is a perfect example of why I hate comedy clubs. It is horribly smoky (something that will be settled come May when the new anti-smoking bill goes into effect in Arizona). The seats are uncomfortable. The tables are long and square which makes it impossible to view the comics from anything but an angle. The drinks and the food are overpriced and the club keeps recycling the same comics over and over. None of these issues, however, would keep me from going.

The reason I absolutely hate to go is the people. Not only are we packed in like sardines, but the sardines I am packed with are rude jerks. Just before the show begins, the loudspeaker intones “Laffs is a 100% heckle-free zone” It orders people to turn off their cell phones and to go out to the bar if they want to talk among themselves. The voice goes on to say that hecklers will be escorted out. That voice is lying.

Every show I’ve been to has been filled with people who seem to think they are at home watching TV. They talk among themselves in loud voices. They take phone calls. They heckle. They generally make asses of themselves and nobody does anything about it.

On Friday, November 17th, hecklers drove Michael Richards over the edge. I am not implying that what he said was justified. Richards went ballistic and he did so in a racial way. Richards did not have the right to say what he said.

Nonetheless, the hecklers deserved to be insulted. They deserved to be cursed. The deserved to be thrown out and they should have been thrown out. They should have been called every insult Richards could think of, except for the ones he used. I have no sympathy for these people, especially now that they’ve gotten one of those slimy publicity-hound lawyers to demand that they be compensated. Compensated?

I’m not going to let Richards off the hook for what he did, but these guys don’t deserve one moment of sympathy and they certainly don’t deserve compensation. They are the assholes who helped Michael Richards bury himself. His career will never recover and the stigma will haunt him personally for the rest of his life. That’s what Richards deserves. The hecklers who drove him over the edge don’t deserve squat.

I doubt I’ll be heading to a comedy club anytime soon. Even if the smoke were gone, the seats were comfortable and the prices were reasonable, the place would still be filled with assholes, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Do you love me now that I can dance. Of course you don’t, because these twenty dances are screwing up America!

Aerobic Dancing: The last thing you want to do is make dancing people realize that they are exercising. Nice buzz-kill.

Air Guitar / Air Drum: Even more damaging to the reputation of the American male than toupees and high-fives.

Bunny Hop: Two people touching each other while dancing – fine. Thirty people touching each other while dancing – gross.

Fly Dancing: Stick your butt out, shake it, repeat. Are they enticing us to have sex or passing gas?

Head Banging: America is getting stupider by the day. Banging our heads is just speeding up our decline.

Lap Dancing: The dances are fine but the prices are getting to be outrageous.

Riding the Pony: Tries to look sexual but settles for ridiculous.

The Chicken Dance: Ruining American baseball games for over a generation.

The Egyptian: Responsible for at least two-dozen neck injuries over the past two decades.

The Hustle: Can a dance get any more arrogant and pretentious than this?

The Kung Foo: Deadly fighting moves are nothing to dance about.

The Macerena: One of the worst examples of hand dancing since Tiffany was banned from performing.

The Pogo: Jumping around suddenly became a dance. Once again, America lowers its standards.

The Robot: Robots are emotionless killing machines and should not be emulated. If you watch I Robot, you’ll know what I mean.

The Running Man / The Moon Walk: Two dances that will get you nowhere.

The Thriller: This Michael Jackson opus started the ugly trend of group dancing.

The Twist: How many displaced kneecaps does it take to kill this dance?

The Worm: How many of America’s young people have been crippled merely attempting The Worm?

YMCA: America’s greatest shame.

And here is someone kind enough to demonstrate our decline:

Getting ready to see the summer blockbusters? Just remember, Hollywood hates America. Now enjoy the film!

Superman Returns
Let me get this straight. Superman Returns is a sequel to Superman II (not III or IV) and it takes place after Superman has been absent from Earth for a long time (long enough for Lois Lane to have an annoying adorable kid). Ok, I can live with that. One problem though, both Superman and Lois Lane look younger than the stars of the original movie! I can accept Superman not aging, but Lois Lane has no super powers to keep her skin fresh, and botox can’t pull off that kind of magic. Also, I’ll bet they leave the line “American Way” out of the movie. That’s the sort of left-wing liberal nut-nut thinking that is screwing up America.

X-men: The Last Stand
A fascist government plot to “cure” genetic mutations? A battle for the Golden Gate Bridge? This movie is an obvious allegory for the movement to “cure” homosexuals. Homosexuals are not mutants. They do not have super powers. I am not going to watch a movie that claims homosexuals can fly, read minds or regenerate. What kind of message does that send?

Mission: Impossible III
Tom Cruise can rant about prescription drugs and psychiatry all he wants, but the moment he puts on a rubber mask America is in trouble. Tom Cruise could be anyone and anywhere right now. Look out, he’s right behind you!

Cars
Do you remember when Paul Newman was an actor? Well, now he’s a car. Do you remember when Paul Newman worked with actors such as Robert Redford and Elizabeth Taylor? The cast of this movie includes Bob Costas, Cheech and Larry the Cable Guy. What has Hollywood done to Paul Newman? What has Hollywood done to America?

Over the Hedge
Wanda Sykes stars as a matted, grimy skunk. Yes, that’s right; the only black star in a movie about animals plays a skunk. Just what kind of racist message is this “family friendly” movie trying to send? This movie is “Song of the South” in CGI people.

The Da Vinci Code
Not only does this movie try to convince people that Jesus was a normal person who led an actual life, it stars a French woman. Even that guy from Bosom Buddies cannot fix values this broken. Shame on you Opie!

Miami Vice
It wouldn’t be summer without a bland, vacant rip-off of an eighties television show. I guess ALF wanted too much money. Do you know what was cool about Miami Vice? Its look. What was the first thing the Michael Mann changed for the movie version? Its look. At least the director of Dukes of Hazard didn’t replace the General Lee with a Mazda Miata.

Poseidon
Here’s a good idea. Let’s make a movie about a tidal wave killing a bunch of people. There’s nobody in the world that would be traumatized by that right now. Good lord! Did they start production the day after the wave hit? Oh and even better, it’s a remake of a crappy seventies flick. That saved the Hollywood weasels from even having to write a script. Thanks Hollywood. You bastards.

Lady in the Water
Hey M. Night Shyamalan, does Ron Howard know that you decided to make a drama out of Splash? I was just wondering. You might want to give the guy a call. Oh that’s right — Ron’s busy pissing on The Shroud of Turin. Well, I’m sure he’s got voice mail. While you’re leaving the message, maybe you can explain how movies that rely on a last-minute twist don’t suck.

A Prairie Home Companion
This is movie about a radio show. On a related note, I hear that The Rush Limbaugh Show is being turned into a romantic comedy starring Jack Black and Lisa Loeb. In Premiere Magazine (yes, the web has made it pointless but the door-to-door magazine girl was hot so I have seven years left on my subscription thank you very much) says that Robert Altman kept to the rigorous shooting schedule by napping in an easy chair on the set. That’s pretty much how I expect to spend the movie as well. Thanks for putting America to sleep. What happens if we are invaded? You will have killed us all!

A Scanner Darkly
A novel schizophrenically. An actor blandly. A director pretentiously. An animation pointlessly. An audience suspiciously. A box office deadly.

The Omen
I get that children are evil. That has been proven time and time again. Breeding inevitably leads to pain and destruction on a grand scale. What I don’t understand is why Liev Schreiber keeps getting work. This guy was in Phantoms, Sphere, Kate & Leopold and Jakob the Liar! If that isn’t enough to revoke a guy’s SAG card, I don’t know what is.

Just My Luck
Every day and in every way Lindsey Lohan looks more and more like Laura Flynn Boyle. Ladies and gentlemen, America’s sweetheart is killing herself in front of us and I for one will not pay to see it happen. Cute redheaded honey – good for America! Drugged out rail-thin skank – bad for America! Somebody please help this girl. The future of America depends on it.

You, Me and Dupree / The Break-Up
I seriously cannot tell the difference between these two movies. It is very frustrating and confusing. I don’t like being confused and neither does America.

Apocolypto
Mel Gibson stars as a cop on the edge looking to bust a Columbian drug cartel three days before retirement. Yeah, I wish. This is another one of his movies in a dead language starring nobody you’ve ever heard of. To quote Danny Glover, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” If I’m getting too old for this shit, then America is getting too old for this shit!

Click
Have you seen Groundhog Day? Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Click is a blatant rip-off of those two movies. I can forgive that, but have you seen Christopher Walken’s hair? If the director seriously thought giving Christopher Walken an afro would result in big laughs, we are in serious trouble. I recommend that you even avoid comedies playing in the theater next to this movie. I’m telling you, it is a black hole for laughs. It will suck in all the funny around it until there is nothing left.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend
This movie sets out to prove that no matter how beautiful and special a woman is, even if she has freakin’ super powers, she is still just a mean-spirited petty bitch who can’t find a man and will cling to whatever loser she does find. Wow. In case you think I’m wrong about this, even crap director Ivan Reitman says he intended the movie to be a “social commentary” (It’s in that damned Premiere Magazine – I can’t wait until I can get Internet on the toilet!). This may be the most offensive premise of the summer.

Little Man
A black, midget thief poses as a baby in order to steal a diamond. The couple who “adopts” him is too stupid to figure out that he’s an adult. Is there anyone anywhere who can find anything about this movie that doesn’t suck? I get chills just thinking about it.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Yet another case of a Japanese import infiltrating the American automobile market. Did George Herbert Walker Bush throw up in the Prime Minister’s lap for nothing? More importantly, if someone as vapid and untalented as Paul Walker refused to do this movie, it could be in contention for worst threequel ever!

Two Movies That Are Probably Screwing Up America But Might Not Be

The Reaping
“It’s a Mr. Death, he’s here about the reaping?”
If you don’t know how funny that line is, then you might be young enough to find this movie enjoyable. Good luck to you. For the rest of the world, how can you possibly see a movie called The Reaping? If, however, at some point in the movie they announce that there is another dead bishop on the landing, it might be ok. Let me know because I won’t be there.

Little Miss Sunshine
It’s a comedy about a young girl who enters a beauty pageant. That’s bad. Dakota Fanning isn’t in it. That’s good.

Everybody and their brother’s sister’s aunt knows that I love corporations. I live for them. Heck, I even have one of my own and I’m thinking of getting another real soon. If it weren’t for corporate greed, America would never have gotten into World War I, which caused World War II and gave us the opportunity to rule the world. It was an opportunity we grabbed for all it was worth. Corporations made America great and I won’t listen to any foo-foo commie talk to the contrary just because they control nearly every aspect of our lives. Somebody has to do it.

So, just because all the restaurant chains that are screwing up America are owned by corporations doesn’t mean I am bashing corporations. I am simply identifying attacks on the American way of life, no matter where they come from (because I am nothing if not fair). Besides, any self-respecting capitalist knows that restaurants are a lousy investment, so there is a good chance these particular corporations are owned by left wing nut-nuts anyway. If you are looking for a safe restaurant chain, look no further than Golden Corral people. Every Thursday is BBQ night. You can’t beat that. Texas Roadhouse is OK too, if you can sit in Willie Nelson Corner.

1. Sweet Tomatoes – Let me get this straight. I serve myself. I get my own drinks. I eat soup, bread and salad, then dessert. For this pleasure I pay you about ten bucks. Did I leave anything out? No, I didn’t. You did. You forgot DINNER!
2. Olive Garden – Olives do not grow in gardens, they grow in groves. Your breadsticks are dry and I have to wait for a table even when the place is half-empty. There is something very shifty about your whole operation.
3. 5 & Diner – Oh sure, this restaurant claims to be a throwback to the good old fashioned fifties and has plenty of Americana, but have you seen the menu? French toast? Parisian omelets? French Dip? The Francheeze? I’ll forgive you the French fries, because that’s a battle we’ve already lost, but this slice of Americana has been way too Frenchified for me.
4. Applebee’s – Even I have been taken in by their riblets and lulled by their desserts, but this whole roll up thing has got to stop, and the first place I ever saw it was at Applebee’s so I’m blaming them. It isn’t a roll up, it’s a burrito! Only fruit rolls up, if you wrap something with a tortilla, it is a burrito. We basically own Mexico, so it is OK to call it that. Get with the program Applebee’s.
5. Denny’s – The other day I was in here and saw ten members of the National Guard wait 42 minutes to get their Grand Slams. What if there had been a crisis? These boys would have had to lift their sandbags while dog hungry. What do you have against our soldiers Denny’s?
6. Bennigan’s – These people are always screwing up my soup order. It’s a sign of impending chaos.
7. Chili’s – I can’t get that freakin’ Baby Back song out of my head and it is pissing me off. How many Americans have you infected with that jingle? You are doing serious damage to our psyches.
8. Claim Jumper – Ok, I’ll be fair, nice work on the soft pretzel. It is delicious. It is your Southwest Egg Rolls that are ruining America. This is another case of a restaurant mixing food nationalities and coming up with crap. Give me a burrito or an egg roll. This thing is neither.
9. Hooters – Tight clothes, big tits and greasy food. I get the concept. Normally I’d be praising you, but if you would PLUCK YOUR CHICKENS before you cook them, maybe I wouldn’t have been vomiting feathers on my wedding day.
10. Macaroni Grill – You can’t grill macaroni. That is just gross.
11. On the Border – There is something very Un-American about a Mexican restaurant that does not serve sopapillas. It is just about the best dessert ever and you can’t tell me it is very hard to make because it is basically fried dough with powdered sugar on it. If you have time to make Chocolate Turtle Empanadas you’ve got time for a few sopapillas.
12. Outback Steakhouse – Quit pushing the blooming onion and that weird-assed sauce it comes with. Sure, the first bite or two tastes great, but by the time the meal comes I want to vomit.
13. P.F. Chang’s – Why are so many people paying so much money for mediocre Chinese food? I think they are putting some sort of drug in the Chang sauce. I can’t prove it, but I also can’t prove the NBA playoffs are fixed, I just feel it in my gut.
14. Joe’s Crab Shack – Stop singing. You were singing. Cut it out.
15. IHOP – Why are you hiding your true identity? This place is the International House of Pancakes people. I have no problem with foreigners as long as they are open about it and willing to apologize for not being born here. When they try to hide their identity, however, I get suspicious. Just what are you plotting IHOP?
16. Rainforest Café – It actually started raining while I was eating dinner! That is taking a concept too far. Also, they want us to save the rainforests. America destroyed all of its rainforests by 1958 as part of our plan to win the Cold War, so there is no point in trying to save it now. As for the rest of the world, why should they have rainforests when we don’t? That just seems wrong to me.
17. Red Lobster – Is there an ice shortage at Red Lobster? I only get about three cubes in every drink and they melt before the buttery biscuits even get to the table. I have to ask for a glass of ice every time I go there. Ice is what separates civilization from chaos. If they scrimp on ice, what else are they scrimping on? It isn’t just the scampi, it’s America!
18. TGI Friday’s – When they eliminated the flair, they broke America’s heart. I may never eat a Slider again.
19. Ruby Tuesday – I thought Ruby Tuesday was the greatest chain restaurant in America until they replaced their frosted icy glasses with plastic mugs. I might as well be drinking out of a plastic bottle. You have disappointed me, which means you have disappointed America!
20. Cracker Barrel – I’m not entirely sure this is even a restaurant. This place has a row or rocking chairs out front, because they never let you in. Has anyone ever been inside of a Cracker Barrel? I usually give up after about six hours.