Every four years, Americans work themselves into a frenzy about the one sporting event like no other. The three year buildup is nearly unbearable. Making Americans wait for their beloved soccer stars to shine on the world stage seems cruel. So, as this year’s World Cup approached, I began contemplating where I would watch the exciting matches. I couldn’t go to a sports bar because they would surely be filled to capacity with crazed fans. Perhaps I could go down to Paul Brown Stadium and watch all the excitement on the jumbotron? Or maybe I could drive to Columbus and view the action at Ohio stadium where my beloved Buckeyes play? But what if these places are full? What would I possibly do then??? Where will I go??? What will I do??? Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about??? Nobody in America CARES!!!
The question rings in my head like a 2 am train whistle. Why don’t more Americans get excited about the World Cup? So, I decided to spend several days in silent meditation. As I pondered this great mystery, several undeniable truths were revealed to me. Here are the top ten reasons Americans couldn’t care less about the World Cup of soccer. Keep in mind as I reveal these truths to an anxiously awaiting world Letterman style, they are in no particular order.
10). American Sports are better. They are more exciting and more competitive. Who amongst us has not witnessed a buzzer beating half court shot during March Madness, or a 9th inning walk off home run, or a touchdown drive in the last two minutes of a football game. Nothing can beat it. And speaking of football, that brings me to the next reason:
9). FIFA fans are too damn smug about SOCCER!!! That’s right; I called it SOCCER, not FOOTBALL. American football is known throughout the world. The Superbowl is beamed around the world and watched by millions outside the US. Everybody knows what American football is and therefore there is no reason to put the word “American” before it. And what of Australian rules football? I’m sure they call their game football without the word “Australian” in front of it. So why is European football the only football to be called football? Answer, they feel it is their divine right. I know, I know, European football (known from this moment forward as soccer!) is played without use of hands and technically the name is more accurate than American football (known from this moment on as football!), played with hands. If you keep that logic, then we must rename basketball because it is no longer played by shooting a ball into a basket. Nope, football is well known throughout the world and soccer is the name of the World cup games. And that brings me to the next reason,
8). World Cup contests are called matches and not games. What the hell?!! Soccer is a game. Just like football, baseball, basketball, and hockey, when the contest is over, everyone goes home safely. There is no one on one match for supremacy like boxing for example. So, all contests should be called soccer games not matches. And a side note, soccer games are played on a soccer field, not a pitch. A pitch is something hurled at a batter in a baseball game.
7). The next reason Americans don’t care about the World Cup is that American will never be any good at the World Cup and the rest of the world likes it that way. Don’t get me wrong, if America ever truly did embrace soccer, there is no doubt in my mind that we would dominate. But we have too many other better sports. Kids play soccer when they are young before they go into the other, cool sports. Which leads me into the next reason:
6). Soccer is a kids’ game, not something adults play seriously. Why would Americans be interested in a kids’ game? Answer is they are not. If soccer was not a kids’ game, then why does the term “soccer mom” exist? It obviously refers to parents watching their young children play.
5). Another reason Americans couldn’t care less about the World Cup is the way the penalties are handled. What’s the deal with the cards, anyway? In football, you get a penalty and the yards are marked against your team. In basketball, a foul could lead to a free throw. You can even fight in hockey and the combatants take a seat for five minutes. But soccer, the referee actually pulls out a card and writes your name down. What kind of crap is that! Sound like something the old KGB or the old East German Police would do. Didn’t the Gestapo have lists like that? And two yellow cards get you a one game suspension??? What the hell??? I’ve seen players in hockey get two penalties on the same play! No, the penalty system seems like something Hitler would have done in Germany 70 years ago.
4). No visible time. Americans don’t trust a game where they can’t tell how much time is left. Even in baseball that has no time, fans know that two outs in the seventh means their team has seven outs left. But only the ref knows how much time is really left? What?!! What if his watch is off? What if he forgets to start the stop watch after a time out? What if he wants to help out one team over another? There is no way to be sure. Speaking of time, that brings me to my next reason:
3). The games are too damn long! No timed sport should be longer than one hour unless they go into sudden death overtime. Football and hockey are 60 minutes, pro basketball is 48 minutes and college basketball is 40 minutes. Soccer is a painful 90 minutes long! Heck, their halves are nearly as long as an NBA game and longer that a college basketball game. Segments in a game should be no longer than 20 minutes. Soccer has a brutally long 45 minutes for a half with no quarter breaks. Too long!
2). The next reason Americans don’t care is that soccer fans take their fanaticism much too seriously. Face painting is one thing but when you have nut jobs that threaten the lives of players and even one lunatic who shot and killed a South American player months after he accidentally put a ball in his own net, that’s way too much. I’ve heard of Canadian hockey fans obsessed with their teams but they can’t hold a candle to the soccer nuts. And let’s not forget the hooligans. What kind of a word is hooligan anyway? But that does lead me to the number one reason Americans don’t care about the World Cup:
1). It’s just too BORING!!! Ties are boring, especially if you’ve sat through 90 boring minutes. No sudden death overtime. At least in overtime, a game could be won on one shot, which would be something at least. But overtime is an anticlimactic 15 minutes where both side could score and extend the game for 15 more boring minutes. In fact, the real reason soccer hooliganism began in the first place was to make soccer games more interesting. If nothing interesting is going to happen on the field, then they might as well do something interesting in the stands. Now I use to play soccer when I was young and it was interesting as I played. But to sit in the stands and watch or even worse, sit at home in front of my TV set and watch is just too much boredom for most Americans to withstand. That’s why most Americans are doing other things in the mornings as the worlds’ eyes are on Germany. So, as I sit down in my comfortable recliner watching the titanic struggle between Ecuador and Uruguay, one in escapable thought comes to mind… I wonder who’s on The View???
A message to the Kansas City Chiefs, from JUN Sports special correspondent Bill Lumberg:
It’s time for some football, kids… JUN Sports presents our Week One wrap up.
As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:
