Just Us Nerds

In the advertisements for the new Matt Dillon movie Factotum, the definition of factotum is listed as: “A man who never had a job he liked; and never kept a job he had.” The actual definition of factotum is:

1. An employee or assistant who serves in a wide range of capacities
2. A movie executive who has no idea of where to put a semicolon in a sentence
3. A pretty-boy actor with the depth of a puddle who tries to play the world’s ugliest and dirtiest poet
4. George Stephanopoulos’ secret service code name
5. Matt Dillon is playing Charles Bukowski? Matt Dillon? What? No! This cannot be! If ever there was a role crying out for Paul Giamotti or Steve Buschemi, this was it. How could the casting have gone so horribly, horribly wrong? I’m going to go punch a wall now.

The Today Show is planning to add yet another hour of light news and heavy network promotion. In some markets that will make The Today Show four hours long. Which one of these activities would be considered less pleasant than a fourth hour of The Today Show?

1. Daytime Astronomy
2. Watching that freakishly thin couple across the street eat breakfast
3. Collecting all the wadded up tissues that have accumulated next to your bed
4. Listening to your grandfather tell that story about how his car got stuck on the Seven Mile Bridge
5. I’m sorry, the only answer I can think of is a slow painful death

Macaulay Culkin has announced that he is going to star in a new movie called Sex And Breakfast that features group sex and other strong sexual themes. Would a better title have been?

1. Home Not Alone
2. Uncle Buck Naked
3. My Girl and the Six Other People She Invited Over
4. Michael Jackson’s Wet Dream
5. I just wish they would track down Anna Chlumsky so we could see them resolve all that sexual tension. And please let it end with him being stung to death by bees again.

As part of this year’s glorious Emmy debacle, Ellen Burstyn was nominated for a fourteen second cameo in the HBO movie Mrs. Harris. What is the best explanation for earning an Emmy nomination for such a short performance?

1. Name Recognition
2. New “Best Performance Under Forty Words” category
3. It’s not a TV cameo, it’s an HBO cameo.
4. It was fourteen seconds of gold baby, GOLD!
5. Oh wait a minute. It’s the Emmy awards? Didn’t they nominate the chimp from BJ and the Bear once? I could have sworn they made up a category for him and put him in a tux and everything. At least they didn’t nominate Dakota Fanning’s little sister for that episode of House. Now that would have been embarrassing. Who’s hosting? Conan O’Brien? Ehhh, maybe I’ll watch. Can we get Andy Richter to co-host?

NBC (the network that was really good in the nineties) is going to air a new reality show based on the search for a male and female lead to star in an upcoming production of Grease. They’ve named the show “You’re the One That We Want”. A more appropriate title would be:

1. “Sandy, don’t worry about it, nobody’s watching.”
2. “Why don’t you take out a missing person’s ad?”
3. “You’re a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on you.”
4. “The chick is gonna have to put out before she even gets in.”
5. I don’t know, but if that couple at karaoke does “Summer Nights” one more time I’m gonna rip my ears off.

Members of the Go-Go’s and the Bangles are joining forces to search for the next great all-female band (Next fall on the CW!) They will scour the country looking for women who can sing and play their own instruments. What is the appropriate name for a project of this magnitude?

1. Touched by a Girl Group?
2. The Go Bang Les?
3. The Went-Went’s?
4. Suck like an Egyptian?
5. Seriously, is there nothing we can do to stop this or at minimum include the women from Heart who at least could actually play well? And on a related note, how cool was it when Rick Ocasek put Todd Rundgren “on notice” on The Colbert Report, even if they did have to take “business casual” off the big board?

You are the FOX Network. You green light a pilot called Heat Vision and Jack, produced by Ben Stiller and starring Jack Black and Owen Wilson. The show is about an astronaut traveling the country on a motorcycle that contains the intelligence of his ex-roommate. The astronaut is brilliantly intelligent when exposed to sunlight but merely an average guy at night. He is being tracked across the country by the actor Ron Silver. The show is hilarious but obviously offbeat. What do you do?

A. That many stars? Put that thing on the air NOW!

B. Offbeat? Why don’t you try it out after the Simpsons?

C. Give it the old Fox treatment, put it on Monday, then move it to Friday, then pull it for three months then air it opposite the Olympics.

D. Get so scared you never even run the show at all, only to have it turn up on the Internet years later and get downloaded by the millions of people who will never respect FOX again.

E. Awwww, watch it for yourself.

That 70s Show recently wrapped up its eighth and final season. It was a season in which the show continued despite having lost two of its main cast members, Topher Grace as Eric and Ashton Kutcher as Kelso. Which of the following would be the most similar loss for a popular television show?

A. Family Guy without Brian and Stewie
B. Friends without Chandler and Joey
C. Family Ties without Alex and Mallory
D. Lost in Space without Lost and Space
E. Where the hell was Fez from anyway? I hope they reveal that in the series finale. Otherwise, it’s gonna suck as bad as the end of X-Files.

Technorati Tags: “That 70s Show” “Family Guy” TV SAT

Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted and Gilby Clarke are forming a “supergroup” that will audition singers through the CBS show, Rock Star. They’ve chosen to name their group Supernova. Why is the name Supernova appropriate for their band?

A. Because they’re going to burn through the heavens like a big bright shiny star
B. Because when they get together it will be like a mighty explosion
C. Because supernovas only happen to really old stars
D. Because they’re going to blow big time
E. Who cares who the band is as long as Brooke Burke wears next to nothing while she “hosts”

Sharon Stone is starring in the sequel to Basic Instinct. In it, the 48-year-old star will appear naked. What term best describes a naked 48-year-old sex symbol in an erotic crime thriller:

A. Soft Core
B. Soft Focus
C. Soft Box Office
D. Stool Softener
E. Screw Basic Instinct, is she doing the next Police Academy?

Les Moonves and CBS have filed suit against Howard Stern, demanding payment of $500,000,000. Which of the following claims is not in the lawsuit?

A. Breech of contract
B. Fraud
C. Unjust enrichment
D. Misuse of a CBS broadcast
E. Wait a minute. $500,000,000? Did Howard Stern Crash a Friggin Space Shuttle? $500,000,000 in damages? Did he blow up their building? Seriously, $500,000,000? Is CBS even worth that much money? I don’t even like this guy and that seems extreme.

Howard at the Post

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently accused the news media of falsely reporting and exaggerating and the situation in Iraq. An accusation of this sort is called what?

A. Finger pointing
B. Truthiness
C. Hypocritical
D. WMD
E. The end of irony

Donald Rumsfeld and Richard Nixon Discussing a Completely Different War.

Bruce Springsteen is set to release a CD of TV theme songs including such hits as the Cheers theme, the Partridge Family theme and the Brady Bunch theme. Having the great working class hero of rock-and-roll release a set of themes to TV shows can obviously be described as cheesy, but just what sort of cheese is it?

A. American Cheese – Because Bruce Springsteen is a great American.
B. Monterey Jack – Because this is nacho father’s Springsteen.
C. Limburger – Because man this stinks.
D. Blue Cheese – Because I’m just going to go put on my bandanna and white t-shirt and listen to Born in the USA one more time to remind me that Bruce Springsteen was once the coolest man alive.
E. Swiss Cheese – Because this idea has a lot of holes in it. Seriously, the site that released the news was joking. He’s doing a tribute to Pete Seegar and he’s still the coolest man alive.

Photo Link from thegazz

The joyous news that in-your-face comic Anthony Clark is replacing the mellow Jay Mohr on Last Comic Standing has been followed by the tragic news that the cutting edge sitcom Yes Dear has been canceled. The children on that show, Dominic and Sammy, had many adventures. Name one thing that they didn’t do:

A. See the Wiggles
B. Race Go-carts
C. Visit Lego Land
D. Ride in the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
E. Act their way our of a sack

Dancing with the Wiggles

Gary Marshall, the creator of the television show Happy Days has turned the Happy Days story into a two-hour stage production called, Happy Days, Aaay! It’s a Musical. Turning a 30-year-old television show into a musical is called what?

A. An Adaptation

B. A Remake

C. Jumping the Shark

D. Necrophilia

E. The first step towards the much anticipated “She’s The Sheriff” musical

Photo linked from ABC

Jessica Alba is threatening to sue Playboy for putting her on the cover of their magazine, claiming that it implied she had posed for them and misled readers into believing they would see her nude or semi-nude inside. A legal motion of this sort would be called:

A. Libel

B. Slander

C. False Advertising

D. Cease and Desist

E. Let me get this straight, there’s a magazine out there that Jessica Alba hasn’t posed semi-nude for?

Jessica Alba (somewhat clothed) From MSNBC.

On American Idol, after telling Paula Abdul to shut up, Simon Cowell told her, “You’re like a precocious child!” Which one of the following words is not a synonym for precocious:

A. Intelligent

B. Bright

C. Gifted

D. Talented

E. Useless wench who makes me want to vomit when she makes her incomprehensibly inane comments

Anthony Clark is replacing Jay Mohr on the next season of Last Comic Standing. Please indicate the closest equivalent replacement:

A. David Lee Roth for Howard Stern

B. Jim Belushi for John Belushi

C. Sophia Coppola for Winona Ryder

D. Olestra for Fat

E. Jeez, was Ted McGinley booked? Oh well, at least they didn’t hire ANT.