A Message From WGA & DGA member Joss Whedon.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

Since strike information is at a premium right now, The Bullets will turn the rest of tonight’s update to a special guest, who will give his opinon on the DGA deal, as well as update us on his current projects. Please welcome tonight’s Bullets guest contributor, the Cloverfield Monster:

Wait, I don’t see… ah, here he comes.

Oh crap.

Maybe this wasn’t such a goo…

That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

How do we know they didn’t want you to hear it? Well, as the news broke someone mysteriously reported the unitedhollywood.com blog as a “spam blog” thus locking the Strike Captains out for most of the day, before they could report it.

And, if you kept an eye on the Big Six’s media outlets like we did, you would have noticed a virtual absence of stories about the UA agreement aside from an occasional sentence sliding by on their crawls. What you would have noticed was a sharp rise in stories about how crazy Tom Cruise is, mostly by way of lots of stuff about a new hatchet-job “biography” that, although it hardly seems to share the gravitas, was strangely covered almost as thoroughly as the build-up to the New Hampshire presidential primaries.

Oh, and in case you missed the connection… Tom Cruise, it just so happens, co-owns United Artists.

Now, we here at The Bullets have, from time to time, noticed that Tom is crazy. OK… so maybe we might have even said something about him being an insane Hollywood fuck-face in a weirdo made-up religion. (heheheh… awkwaaaaaard!) But hey, even we never accused him of spawning a child with frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm.

• and for the record, we love Tom. In fact, we still cry when Maverick hugs Iceman at the end of Top Gun.

Crazy or not, the facts here remain clear. Crystal. Tom and his company United Artists negotiated in good faith, and a fair deal that was mutually beneficial to all parties was worked out, very much like Worlwide Pants did… something, strangely enough, that the Big Six very loudly proclaims isn’t possible.

That’s odd… Dave & Tom had no trouble. And the buzz is that Lion’s Gate Films is thinkin’ about negotiating a similar deal as well. Check back here for further updates.

And now, a brief word about the upcoming awards season.

The Golden Globes are kaput. Sure the awards will be given out, but they will be done so at a press conference that none of the stars will attend in their fancy get-ups, so who gives a fuck. Now, we at The Bullets enjoy drunken celebrites self-congratulatorily masturbating all over themselves as much as anyone. Hell, if it’s Scarlett Johansen masturbating all over Jessica Alba, probably more than anyone. But here’s the thing. As long as this strike is required, that little shindig had to be shut down.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the only way the Big Six will return to the negotiating table and finally begin bargaining in good faith with that Writer’s Guild is if they are forced to do so by their shareholders. Ya know what reeeeeeally motivates shareholders? Losing money. It’s simple economics, kids: cancelling awards shows will cost the congloms and their shareholders money. The cost to GE/NBC/Universal alone will be massive.

The Golden Globes. What a crock of shit anyway. They’re given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press. We don’t know who they are! Hell, Americans don’t even like the foreign press. But ever since Titanic, a film so bloated and overwrought that it took two of The Big Six to produce it, The Globes have somehow been elevated to the same gala status as the Oscars. And why?

“Hmmmm… I wasn’t going to go see Sweeney Todd, as I have several very valid reasons why I probably won’t like it, such as the fact that I don’t care for musicals, or the fact that every time I see Helena Bonham Carter I really feel like I should go buy her a box of RID… but what’s this???? Why, it says here in the newspaper advertisment that Sweeney Todd was nominated for a whole assload of GOLDEN GLOBES! I am instantly forced to reconsider my decision!”

And the sad thing is, we’re so stupid, that we buy it. Ask the congloms… a Globe or two is worth millions of dollars in extra income for a film.

The Big Six would have you believe that the Globes going bye-bye is just the WGA pissing in everyone’s Post Toasties. In fact, NBC’s Ben Silverman has even said that it’s like “the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in the high school are trying to cancel the prom.”

Now this is an ironic statement at best, seeing that somehow we doubt many of these moguls were captains of their football teams with cheerleaders on their arms… but that aside, DON’T BUY THIS LOAD OF CRAP. The Globes telecast has been cancelled because the members of the Screen Actor’s Guild and the Director’s Guild of America, along with other industry unions, have refused to cross the Writer’s Guild of America’s picket lines. This a show of solidarity by the other unions with their brothers & sisters in the WGA. Because they all know that, with their own contracts with the Big Six up later this year, if the WGA fails they will most likely all fail. And everyone involved, from the actors all the way down to the guys who roll up cable, deserves fair payment for contributing to the content the Big Six are making billions of advertising dollars from by distributing it on the internet.

This isn’t about a bunch of nerds getting back at the jocks. This is about fairness. This is about massive corporations, run by people who are so rich that they are losing their grip on what the very concept of money is, wanting even more money.

G’head… ask a few of them who’s on the 5 dollar bill and count the seconds before they remember.

They only know that they want more of it. They want more of it so much that they won’t even sit down and talk about what might or might not be fair. It’s all for them, nothing for anyone else.

My way, or the highway.

Fuck, or walk.

And we’re sorry, but that’s just not how it’s done.

So, because the Big Bullies are unwilling to come back to the table, and begin negotiations in good faith, the Golden Globe Award telecast is gone. And as far as The Bullets are concerned, good fucking riddance. Pay everyone fairly, and we can all get back to watching a liquored-up Jack Nicholson pretend that he even recognizes whomever happens to be kissing his ass next year.

And we’ve got some more uncomfortable news for the Big Six… if they don’t pull their heads out of their collective asses soon… The Oscars just might be next.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

And for all you procedural crime drama fans out there… here’s a lil something just for you:

We at The Bullets fully support our brothers & sisters in the WGA, and we will do whatever is necessary to aid in their valiant struggle, even if it means letting our heads explode with pent up rage & sarcasm over the Heroes finale, the upcoming Rambo sequel, any relevant Prince weirdness, and the latest drunken starlet escapades.

To make a long story short, the AMPTP (the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers… and by the way, the actual producers would like them to drop that last “P” and call themselves what they really are… 6 massive media conglomerates) walked out on negotiations on Friday, Dec 7th. But first, lets flash back a few weeks, before we get into what that really means.

The WGA has been at the table every day with a list of demands, waiting to engage in good-faith negotiations. See, that’s how negotiating works. You have a number, they counter with a number, you counter back, and eventually you work your way to some middle ground that everyone can live with. Instead, the conglomerates countered with an offer that was clearly unacceptable, if not just plain retarded. Then they fucked around for a few weeks, probably trying to see if the strike was going to “take.” During this time, the WGA agreed to take the DVD residuals issue off the table. A logical & reasonable step on the road to an equitable agreement.

When it became clear that the strike was in fact going to take, the conglomerates said they would come back with a counter offer… they just needed 4 more days to get it finalized. The WGA waited. At table. At the end of the 4 days, the conglomerates then said they needed another day to kinda finish it up. Fine. The WGA waited. At the table.

Friday, the conglomerates came back and plopped a big, fat, steaming load of shit on said table, said “Suck it, bitches!” and walked out.

This is, of course, paraphrased… but it’s meaning is clear.

So here’s where we stand right now.

The AMPTFS has hired an “attack dog” PR firm to attempt to make it look like it’s the writers that are being unfair. Don’t buy it.

This strike isn’t just about now. It’s about the future. Check your computer. This internet thing isn’t just a fad anymore. It’s not going to wind up in the garage in a dusty old box with your Lazer Tag rig & Connie Chung. It is a legitimate, and highly lucrative, distribution venue. The writers want to be compensated accordingly.

They don’t just want this for the people who are fucking up Heroes, or the people scrambling to figure out what’s gonna happen next on Lost, or the people deciding who’s gonna fuck whom next on Boston Legal. They want it for future generations of writers, many of whom will eventually be writing content solely for internet distribution.

They want it for the actors (not the bigtime superstars, we’re talking about the thousands of working stiffs making scale), for the makeup artists, for the grips, and for the schleps running out to get the coffee. The conglomerates are in a union-busting mode, as evidenced by their inclusion of a “no strike” clause in their proposal to the WGA… something that would force WGA members to cross picket lines of any other striking unions. The Screen Actors Guild contract is up in July of next year, and other key entertainment industry union contracts are expiring next year, as well. They are looking for a domino effect that will start all these unions toppling, ensuring that they get an even bigger percentage of entertainment profits than they already get.

This is a power grab, kids. Pure and simple.

The assholes at Time Warner, and Fox, and Disney, and Viacom, and CBS, and G.E. (hmmm… they don’t sound so people-friendly when we call them who they really are instead of disguising them with cool-sounding initials, now do they) want to own the internet, lock, stock, and barrel-full-of-cash.

The advertisers are paying them to show their ads while the content is streamed. The advertisers are paying for ads on the pages from which the content is downloaded. An estimated 4 billion dollars in the next 2 years alone. The fact that the people who write that content, the people without whom there would actually be no content, should get a fair slice of this massive pie seems to us to be beyond common sense.

OK, so we’ve gotten to you, and your ready to do what’s right. Or, you just fucking want Conan back on the air. Either way, you might be asking yourselves what you can do to help out.

Well kiddies, it’s easy: get involved.

Read the blogs. unitedhollywood.com, speechless, and deadlinehollywooddaily.com are a few good ones to start off with, but there are TONS. Follow the links.

Go to pencils2mediamoguls and drop a buck to send a box of pencils to the conglomerates to show your support. Here’s some pencils, Fuck Sticks… write that next gratuitous, and actually kinda creepy, Grey’s Anatomy sex scene yourselves!

If your favorite star is honoring the picket lines, drop them a line and let them know that you approve. You can usually find emails & addresses at their websites, or the websites of their representation. They crave approval!

Boycott! If you’re a fan of good TV, don’t watch the crappy replacement shows & reality crap the networks are going to be trying to jam in your mouths like a fucking pacifier in the weeks ahead as the strike drags on. When that insipid coworker accosts you at the coffee machine and asks if you caught (insert name of mind-numbingly-stupid reality replacement show here) last night, tell them, “No… I’m boycotting that in support of the WGA.” who knows… they might go home and Google it and find out what’s going on.

Instead of you and your crew dropping a hundred bucks or so going the movies this upcoming weekend, order a pizza and play Monopoly. Or Trivila Pursuit. Or fucking strip poker. Anything.

If you’re in La La Land, or NY, go to the pickets. fans4writers.com has a calendar, and is issuing action alerts to let you know where and when your favorite stars and fandoms are protesting.

if you’re elsewhere, go to Pencils Down and see what your fellow fans are up to in regards to supporting the writers.

At the very least… Sign the petiton!

This doesn’t appear to be anywhere near ending, so as a public service to our readers, we’ll be posting strike-related Bullets issues in the days and weeks to come. So check back in to find out what’s up. And again, be involved! We at The Bullets think this is pretty important. If your entertainment is important to you as it is to us, it should be easy to stand up.

It’s just like Billie Jean said, kids…

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

We would like to take a moment before we begin this edition to proudly announce the return of The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest. The rules remain simple: Just take a picture of yourself in this weeks featured t-shirt, and e-mail it to us at thebullets@gmail.com. The winner, as always, will have the winning photo posted in the next edition, and will recieve the customary $10.00 prize in their paypal account. So grab that shirt & that camera, and get snappin’ bitches!!!!!

*NOTE: All photos sent become the property of The Bullets, and my appear anywhere on the internet at any time, especially if you’re a hot girl.

• Speaking of which, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens took naked pictures of herself, and they wound up on the internet. And we’d just like to take a moment to say that we’re all for it. And if her actions convince more smokin’ hot 18 year-olds to take naked pictures of themselves that end up on the internet, well frankly we’re just not seeing the downside. So mazel tov, Vanessa, not only for your shining example, but also for being the first one of those HSM kids to do anything we’d want to see.
• A post script to the above bullet… it’s getting increasingly difficult to actually see Hudgens’ nude pictures, due to actions being taken by Disney lawyers. We’d like to let our readers know that we would have posted them here, but we’re already in some legal hot water over our recent posting of clips from the lost Bea Arthur-Estelle Getty lesbian shower scene from the series finale of The Golden Girls, which as you may recall resulted in numerous suicide attempts.
• Fading trailer-trash pop princess Britney Spears is in Vegas this weekend for the MTV Video Music Awards, and she has been… ah, ya know what? Fuck it. Nevermind.
• Foxy Brown In The Slammer! We were perusing Yahoo News today, and when we saw that, we thought that they were advertising an old Pam Greir flick for some odd reason. Turns out, the phrase has another connotation. Huh. How ’bout that.
• Famed director Ang Lee’s latest film Lust, Caution won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival again, a scant two years after Lee won the same prize for the Citizen Kane of gay cowboy movies, Brokeback Mountain. While in the press room after recieving his award, Lee said, “WHY YOU NO LIKE HULK????? HULK RULES!!!!!!”
• Aussie Superstar & notorious hothead Russell Crowe is in Maryland this month shooting his latest movie, the Ridley Scott-directed thriller Body Of Lies, which marks Crowe’s fourth collaboration with his Gladiator director. In a related story, anxious Bullets readers everywhere are resigning themselves to a likely new surge of lame, out-dated, Russell-Crowe-throwing-phones-at-people gags.
• Per The Hollywood Reporter, the Showtime network has already renewed David Duchovney’s red-hot new series Californication for a second season. Elsewhere, Duchovney’s old X-Files partner Gillian Anderson will continue to be seen in upcoming episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Scully… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?”
• In a shocking turn of events, Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams are getting a divorce. And we thought it would last forever. Ledger will play Batman’s arch-enemy The Joker in next summer’s highly anticipated sequel, The Dark Knight. Williams can be seen in future episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Jen on Dawson’s Creek… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?” with her co-star, Gillian Anderson.
• Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire is reportedly interested in a role in the upcoming film adaptation of the popular Japanese anime series RoboTech. Maguire’ production company will be producing the film. The Bullets attended a recent Maguire press conference, and when we asked him about the validity of this news, he said, “That’s right geeks, I’m Spider-Man!!! And now I’m gonna be Rick Hunter or Roy Fokker in RoboTech!!! Maybe I’ll play ‘em both, it’s my movie, SUCKAS!!! And look, this is my wife!!! Check her out, she’s a hottie!!! Yeah, sometimes I do her with the Spidey mask on!!! I get laid all the time!!! Suck it, losers!!!!”
• And finally, Opera superstar and friend of The Bullets Luciano Pavarotti has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. You were one in a million, Luciano, and we will miss you. And just so you know… after Crazy Joe DaVola, you were our favorite Pagliacci.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to the clubs… but before we go, we’d like to wish a big Bullets happy birthday to the Head Nerd In Charge, our fearless leader J.C. Party up, pal. And know that, just like Bryan Adams said… everything we do, we do it for you. But… you know… not in a gay way.

• Married men or more likely to check the labels on food than unmarried men. (AP-Ipsos poll)
• Men are more likely to be satisfied with their homes than women are. (Harris survey)
• Men are more likely to have established rainy day accounts than women. (Bankrate.com)
• Men are nearly twice as likely to cheat on college assignments than female students. (Times Higher Education Supplement)
• Men are more likely to negotiate their salary than women. (Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide)
• Men are more likely to support “right-to-die” laws for terminally ill patients. (Gallup Poll)
• Men are more likely than women to work while on vacation. (CareerBuilder.com survey)
• Men are more likely to live with their parents than women. (Parship.com)
• Men are less likely to admit suffering from stage fright than women because they think they are better at public speaking. (Sheffield Hallam University)
• Men are less likely to get a routine check-up or see a doctor when ill. (Penn State)
• Men are less likely to use sunscreen than women. (NHS Scotland)

If everything’s just peachy-keen in your relationship & you have nothing to fight about, here are some ideas. Oh, and also fuck you… you’ll get yours.

• Leave the toilet seat up. ON THE CEILING FAN.
• If she’s recently complained that you’re not romantic enough, write “I love you” on the soap in pubic hair. Then while she’s in the shower, serenede her by farting “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls. It’s actually easier than you might think.
• Before you go to work in the morning, fill a 6 quart microwavable bowl with water & an entire tub of instant oatmeal. Rig the microwave to operate with the door open, set it for 50 minutes, and leave. Later that night, when asked about the dried oatmeal that is caked all over the counter, the front of the cabinets & the floor, say “It was like that when I got here.”
• When she asks you nicely to please get her something from the kitchen, continue to stare at the commercials & say “No diggety.”
• Make the pages of her fashion magazines a lil sticky. Clear corn syrup works well for this. Make sure the women on the sticky pages look nothing like her.
• When that diamond commercial comes on where the guy says he’d marry the girl all over again, and suddenly her parents are there and he’s giving her the pretty diamond ring, say “Whatta load of crap.” This works even better if your mouth is full.
• While talking with a friend on the phone, be heard saying “Life ain’t nuthin’ but bitches & money.”
• Suggest a romantic getaway. While discussing dates, tell her that it can’t be the weekend of May 26th, because that’s when X-Men 3 opens. When she tries to argue, add that you can’t go anywhere at all next summer, because of the Transformers movie.
• Leave a bottle of Dawn dishwashing liquid on the kitchen counter with a pretty bow on it, and a card that reads “Just because I love you. And because the dishes feel kinda greasy.”
• Early in the day, imply that you will have a romantic candlelight dinner waiting for her when she gets home from work. When she walks in the door, be watching a sporting event in your underwear and ask her why she didn’t pick up the honey bar-b-que wings from KFC.
• While watching The Sopranos, ask her if she thinks she’ll have that tight of an ass when she’s Carmela’s age.
• When she complains about a co-worker, take the co-worker’s side. Then patronizingly say you’ll try to explain how the business world works to her. Be sure to call her “Toots” somewhere in there while doing it.
• Remember to use those 3 little words: “Yeah, babe… whatever.”