Just Us Nerds

The Bullets are currently on a brief hiatus, as we regroup, and attempt to find something in the world of pop culture & celebrity news that is less ridiculous than the shit we make up. Case in point? Britney Spears’ mom is writing a book on parenting. Our guess is that the working title is Don’t Let Them Lowball Ya: A Parent’s Guide To Selling Your Children To Disney.

In the meantime, we thought we’d pop in to wish you all a very Happy Halloween. After all, It is our favorite holiday… and one of our traditions on this night is to take a moment from dressing like sluts & monsters & people we wish we could be to remember one of the original badasses. Please join us.

Before he became a legend, Orson Welles, actor, producer, teacher, writer, director, and all-around wiseguy, was in charge of what might have been the greatest confligration of writing & acting talent ever to grace the airwaves, radio or otherwise: The Mercury Theater.

On October 31, 1938, Mr. Welles & his troupe performed an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ classic The War Of The Worlds. But our Orson decided to dress up the first 45 minutes or so by making it sound like it was actually happening.

After the dust settled he appologized, and later said that he didn’t know what the repercussions would be… but we nerds know better. He knew exactly what he was doing. The resulting panic, although it has been exaggerated with the passing of time, remains legendary.

Just think of it as the single greatest Halloween prank EVER.

And now, in the spirit of the holiday, we at The Bullets give you the broadcast of The Mercury Theater’s production of The War Of The Worlds, as it was originally aired.

Please to enjoy:

Should for any reason you not be able to hear the flash player, the broacast is hot-linked here.

And should you think for even a moment that we jest about the greatness of The Mercury… it’s collected works can be heard here.

I just learned today that Syd Barrett, co-founder of The Pink Floyd Sound, died July 7 from complications arising from diabetes. He was 60. Syd was responsible for such early Pink Floyd hits as See Emily Play, Arnold Layne, Astronomy Domine, and Interstellar Overdrive. His psychedelic melodies made The Pink Floyd Sound (later named Pink Floyd) one of the most influential bands in the London underground in the mid to late 60’s.

Pink Floyd made a very big impression on this nerd during my formative high school years. But it wasn’t until I got a little older that I really got into the early Pink Floyd / Syd Barrett stuff. Even though the music was somewhat dated by my college years, it still made a huge impact on me. He co-founded one of rock music’s greatest bands but it was his own personal struggles with LSD and other drugs that ultimately led to his departure from the group. A young David Gilmore was brought in shortly before Syd’s departure but the five-man group never played together. Roger Waters later immortalized Barrett on the Pink Floyd album “Wish You Were Here” in the song “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.”

He influenced a lot of musicians during his short but brilliant career and he will me missed. It’s time to Set Your Controls for the Heart of the Sun. Shine on you crazy diamond…and rest in peace.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes… everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants The Thursday Night Bullet Points
And a long stem rose… everybody knows

• The boring, old-timey crap radio show Prarie Home Companion has been turned into a boring, old-timey crap movie. Sorry Lindsay, just working for Robert Altman won’t make you a serious actor… remember Gary Burghoff? That poor bastard was Radar until the day he died. Or still is Radar if he isn’t dead yet. The Bullets did manage to reach the Prarie Home Companion’s target audience for comment, but mostly they just yelled at us for interrupting their dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon, and complained about the cost of arthritis medication, broken hips, and how hard it is to send and receive e-mail.
• The Pitt/Jolie conglomerate, owner & operator of this month’s holder of America’s Most Favored Baby status, little Shiloh Nouvelle, has sold pictures of her wearing a T-shirt by famed fashion designer Kingsly Aarons to Hello! & People magazines for… wait for it… 4 million dollars. Next up on the auction block… her soul! Pepsi has made an attractive offer, but never count the Coca Cola Company out of a marketing war.
• Speaking of litte Shiloh… celebrities are morons. “Here’s our daughter, isn’t she beautiful? She’s named after one the bloodiest battles in the Civil War. Over 23,000 people were killed. Yes! Who’s a pwetty wittle babyyyy?” Assholes. Yeah, we’re lookin’ at you, Gwyneth Paltrow. Be sure you name the next baby after some more fruit. How about kumquat? Yeah, Kumquat Paltrow-Martin. He won’t get the shit beat out of him every day with a name like that. Oh wait a minute, he’ll get the shit beat out of him every day anyway… his dad is in fucking Coldplay.
• The new TBS commercials for it’s Everybody Loves Raymond reruns on Wednesday nights takes the time to teach us all the transitive property. Hey, thanks TBS! I’m sure that will come in handy to all the people contemplating complex algebra postulates while watching your daily block of Mama’s Family episodes.
• And has anyone else noticed that Dorito’s is using Godzilla from the fiasco-Matthew Broderick remake as a spokeman? Is there some kind of statute of limitations on characters from bloated, over-budgeted trainwrecks that were such failures that studio execs got into fist-fights & got fired because of them doing ad campaigns? What’s next… Howard The Duck for AFLAC?
• Country legend Loretta Lynn fell and broke her shoulder at her home in Hurricane Mills, TN yesterday. The singer will be forced to cancel 9 concerts, but is scheduled for shoulder replacement surgery today, and is expected to make a full recovery. A new Lynn album entitled “You broke muh heart, I broke muh shoulder” is expected sometime next fall. When reached for comment, people who don’t pay much attention to country music said, “What? She lives in a place called Hurricane Mills? Are you fucking kidding me?”
• The Bullets can’t decide what’s coolest about Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby. The fact that Will Ferrell is playing a NASCAR driver, the fact that his two kids are named Walker & Texas Ranger, the fact that Champ Kind from the immortal classic Anchorman is in it, the fact that John C. Reilly, Elvis Costello, and Andy Richter are all in it, or the fact that they used AC/DC’s “Shoot To Thrill” in the trailer. FUCK that is a badass song. Here, check it yourselves: Clickity-click-click!
• China has announced that it is ordering all Chinese movie theaters to stop showing The Da Vinci Code. The move had nothing to do with religious issues, censorship, or the film’s supposed controversy… it was just to make room for better movies. You hear that, X Men: The Last Stand?
• The Bullets has it on good authority that Ryan Reynolds & Alanis Morrisette, who have been engaged for the last 2 years, have broken up. We tried to reach the former couple for comment, but were told by a spokesperson for Morissette that she couldn’t come to the phone as she was “busy writing.” As for Reynolds, we found him huddled in a corner, arms around his knees rocking back & forth with a blank stare on his face, mumbling “Please don’t let the songs be too scathing…” over & over & over.
• In music news, crappy “metal” band Fuel will have to look for another crappy singer, as crappy American Idol loser Chris Daughtry has blown them off. OK, how lame do you have to be to offer the job to an American Idol guy? And how lame are you if even he says no? Good luck, Fuel. Maybe one of the guys who sings “by Mennen!” in those commercials is available.
• We mentioned the show in last week’s edition, so The Bullets felt obligated to at least check out the new season of The Simple Life over on our pal E! We lasted about 15 minutes. Nicole Richie’s massive bulemic head will eventually snap her neck like a twig, dangling over her shoulder, asking valets if they want a blow-job. And frankly, we just don’t need to see that. And it’s so nice to see that both of our gals immediately thought of sleeping pills when the mom discussed putting her 3 year old daughter down for a nap. Yeah. Really fucking hilarious. A show where these two fuck-sticks are stuffed into burlap sacks, beaten with tire irons, and dumped in a river before they have a chance to breed would be much more entertaining. Let’s work on that for next season, huh, E?
• Congratulations, Adam Carolla! Howard Stern’s heir & his lovely wife Lynette gave birth to twins Wednesday morning, a boy and a girl. The delivery went well, and both babies were doing fine, until they noticed Carolla’s teeth & hair, saw their own reflections in a mirrored surface, made the connection, and began crying uncontrolably.
• Insufferable bitch & holier-than-thou liberal ass-face Barbra Streisand has announced a 20 concert tour. The tour will be her first since 10 years ago, when she promised us all she wasn’t going to do this kinda thing anymore. When reached for comment, a frightened & visibly agitated America said, “Oh fuck… we don’t actually have to go, do we?”
• As mentioned by J.C. earlier this week, Alex Toth has died. The Bullets would also like to thank Mr. Toth for all the good times. You ruled. And here’s the very first episode of The Herculoids ever, entitled “The Beaked People.” Fuck, even that title rules.

So… what’s a hero to you?

Those are The Bullets for this week. ‘Night, cross-monkies!

Les Moonves and CBS have filed suit against Howard Stern, demanding payment of $500,000,000. Which of the following claims is not in the lawsuit?

A. Breech of contract
B. Fraud
C. Unjust enrichment
D. Misuse of a CBS broadcast
E. Wait a minute. $500,000,000? Did Howard Stern Crash a Friggin Space Shuttle? $500,000,000 in damages? Did he blow up their building? Seriously, $500,000,000? Is CBS even worth that much money? I don’t even like this guy and that seems extreme.

Howard at the Post