I love a good celebrity musician. I can listen to Bruce Willis plug away at his harmonica for hours (he’ll do it too, just ask). And when Jared Leto put on that goth makeup and sings plaintively into the camera, it warms my heart. Sure, nothing will ever compare to the Blues Brothers and their extended R&B ruminations, but we keep trotting celebrities out there, hoping one will stick. Most of the celebrity “women” who try to rule the musical world are pop-rock nymphets like Lindsey Lohan or whichever one of the Duff Girls sings (it may be both, I can’t tell them apart) but once in a while we get a real WOman out there to sing. Someone with class, style and distinction goes up there and makes all us sit up and notice.
That someone is Minnie Driver. You know, the English woman with the enormous head who never gets to use her English accent because we want all of our English women to sound like they’re just ordinary Americans, even if it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference to the story? Yeah that one. Good Actress. Well, she’s made an album or two, believe it or not. And this gem, a love song sang (apparently) to her dog, just blew me away. And the surging footage? Definitely worthy of a Hasselhoff award.
I wanna lay down with you
Forever
Or just this afternoon
Watching the shadows getting long
I’ll sing you a quiet song
Watch you sleep, slow and deep
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
I wanna remind you how to laugh
Sometimes you don’t even, make a sound
Until you fall down on the ground
And I want to love you everyday
And maybe it will balance out the pain
I can’t take away
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
So come on and lay down with me
I’ll tell you all the useless things that I have learned
But theres one good thing my old man told me:
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…
It’s two A.M.
It’s two A.M. the fear has gone
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances
Yeah there’s a storm on the loose, sirens in my head
I’m wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead
I cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy
Help I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse, feels like being cloned
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go, now that I’ve gone too far
Soon you will come to know…
When The Bullets hit the bone
The Bullets are pleased to announce the winner of last week’s T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always, there were tons of entries to choose from, and they were all great… but there can be only one. And this was really a no-brainer.
That’s right, it’s none other than Gandalf The Grey himself,
Sir Ian McKellan!
Aw, look at him crossing his fingers for luck. Not needed, pal! Who were we gonna give it to, Daniel Radcliffe? Well, he did send us an entry, but he wasn’t wearing any pants in the photo, and we’re pretty sure that’s still kiddie porn. So congratulations, Sir Ian! And don’t forget to check your paypal acct. for the big $10.00 prize!
As for you runners-up… watch for the next Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest starting up in the next edition!
Dessicated news-corpse Dan Rather is suing CBS & it’s parent company Viacom for 70 million dollars, alleging breech of contract during the “Rathergate” scandal that occured near the end of the 2004 campaign. A press release we recieved late Friday said, “They better fork over the gold semolians, or boy will they be sorry… I’m hotter than Aunt Sally’s potato salad left in the trunk at the 4th Of July picnic in Death Valley.”
Denise Richards’s restraining order against Charlie Sheen has expired, so she’s filed for an order of protection to keep him away from the couple’s 2 daughters. The Bullets attempted to reach Richards for comment, but we were told she was busy blowing the lead singer from Warrant while David Spade & Heather Locklear watched while jacking each other off.
Speaking of Charlie Sheen, the star of Two & A Half Men was once again denied the best actor in a comedy award in Sunday night’s Emmy ceremony. In a related story, future Emmy ballots will just feature pictures of the nominated actors with little boxes to check next to them, under the sentence “Who’s funnyer?” written in crayon with the “s” backwards.
America’s male sweetheart Tom Hanks is producing a 10-part mini-series based on Vincent Bugliosi’s book Reclaiming History. The book essentially debunks all the famous JFK assasination conspiracy theories, agreeing with the Warren Commision’s conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. We called up our old pal, JFK director Oliver Stone to tell him the news, and he said, “What? Fools! Ignorant, blind fools! Can’t they see that the longer we fight the truth, the more we suffer as a nation, and the easier it is to… waitaminnit, who’s doing it? Hanks? Aw… I love that guy!”
Following Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt, Matthew McConaughey has taken over Wilson’s role in the upcoming Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder. When informed, Stiller, who hadn’t noticed yet, told The Bullets, “Ya know, I thought Owen was taking his shirt off way too much.”
Country star and fake patriotic fuck-face Lee Greenwood canceled a recent concert held to honor veterans, police, and firefighters. Sources told The Bullets that Greenwood, who sings the anthem “God Bless The U.S.A.” refused to appear after organizers failed to come up with his $20,000 fee. We reached Greenwood’s manager for comment, and he told us, “Well, it’s just like the lyrics say… ‘I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free/And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me/Unless you don’t cough up my 20 grand’.”
Diminutive pop superstar and long-time Bullets favorite Prince surprised the attendees of designer Matthew Williamson’s catwalk show for his new line by staging an impromptu concert at the event in London on Wednesday. After the show, His Royal Badness took off his pants, drew a smiley face on his ass, jumped on a camel, poured a bottle of Mr. Bubble over his head, and rode off while speaking in what witnesses described as “tongues.”
Tuesday night’s Big Brother 8 finale on CBS was beaten in the ratings by NBC’s finale of The Biggest Loser. A Spokesperson for CBS told The Bullets, “Fine… we’ll just put more fat people in the house next year.”
And finally, Dr. Joyce Brothers turns 78 today. The Bullets would like to take this opportunity to wish Dr. Brothers a very happy brithday, and to thank her for all the years of pantsuits, scarves, and dubious advice. Unless she’s dead, in which case we’ll update this later… Our research dept. is looking into it.
The Emmy show wasn’t without it’s high points. Here’s one… Stewie & Brian’s spectacular opening musical number:
And one more quick note: If you haven’t been watching Warner Bros. The Batman cartoon recently, you’ve missed Robin, Batgirl, Martian Manhuner teaming up with Bats to save the Earth from an alien invasion…
And oh yeah… you missed THIS:
Set your tivos… the new Season starts up Saturday Sept. 22nd!
Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Until next time, keep your powder dry. Whatever powder that may be.
The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody’s gonna go to school today,
She’s going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn’t understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason
‘Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.
We would like to take a moment before we begin this edition to proudly announce the return of The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest. The rules remain simple: Just take a picture of yourself in this weeks featured t-shirt, and e-mail it to us at thebullets@gmail.com. The winner, as always, will have the winning photo posted in the next edition, and will recieve the customary $10.00 prize in their paypal account. So grab that shirt & that camera, and get snappin’ bitches!!!!!
*NOTE: All photos sent become the property of The Bullets, and my appear anywhere on the internet at any time, especially if you’re a hot girl.
Speaking of which, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens took naked pictures of herself, and they wound up on the internet. And we’d just like to take a moment to say that we’re all for it. And if her actions convince more smokin’ hot 18 year-olds to take naked pictures of themselves that end up on the internet, well frankly we’re just not seeing the downside. So mazel tov, Vanessa, not only for your shining example, but also for being the first one of those HSM kids to do anything we’d want to see.
A post script to the above bullet… it’s getting increasingly difficult to actually see Hudgens’ nude pictures, due to actions being taken by Disney lawyers. We’d like to let our readers know that we would have posted them here, but we’re already in some legal hot water over our recent posting of clips from the lost Bea Arthur-Estelle Getty lesbian shower scene from the series finale of The Golden Girls, which as you may recall resulted in numerous suicide attempts.
Fading trailer-trash pop princess Britney Spears is in Vegas this weekend for the MTV Video Music Awards, and she has been… ah, ya know what? Fuck it. Nevermind.
Foxy Brown In The Slammer! We were perusing Yahoo News today, and when we saw that, we thought that they were advertising an old Pam Greir flick for some odd reason. Turns out, the phrase has another connotation. Huh. How ’bout that.
Famed director Ang Lee’s latest film Lust, Caution won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival again, a scant two years after Lee won the same prize for the Citizen Kane of gay cowboy movies, Brokeback Mountain. While in the press room after recieving his award, Lee said, “WHY YOU NO LIKE HULK????? HULK RULES!!!!!!”
Aussie Superstar & notorious hothead Russell Crowe is in Maryland this month shooting his latest movie, the Ridley Scott-directed thriller Body Of Lies, which marks Crowe’s fourth collaboration with his Gladiator director. In a related story, anxious Bullets readers everywhere are resigning themselves to a likely new surge of lame, out-dated, Russell-Crowe-throwing-phones-at-people gags.
Per The Hollywood Reporter, the Showtime network has already renewed David Duchovney’s red-hot new series Californication for a second season. Elsewhere, Duchovney’s old X-Files partner Gillian Anderson will continue to be seen in upcoming episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Scully… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?”
In a shocking turn of events, Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams are getting a divorce. And we thought it would last forever. Ledger will play Batman’s arch-enemy The Joker in next summer’s highly anticipated sequel, The Dark Knight. Williams can be seen in future episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Jen on Dawson’s Creek… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?” with her co-star, Gillian Anderson.
Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire is reportedly interested in a role in the upcoming film adaptation of the popular Japanese anime series RoboTech. Maguire’ production company will be producing the film. The Bullets attended a recent Maguire press conference, and when we asked him about the validity of this news, he said, “That’s right geeks, I’m Spider-Man!!! And now I’m gonna be Rick Hunter or Roy Fokker in RoboTech!!! Maybe I’ll play ‘em both, it’s my movie, SUCKAS!!! And look, this is my wife!!! Check her out, she’s a hottie!!! Yeah, sometimes I do her with the Spidey mask on!!! I get laid all the time!!!Suck it, losers!!!!”
And finally, Opera superstar and friend of The Bullets Luciano Pavarotti has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. You were one in a million, Luciano, and we will miss you. And just so you know… after Crazy Joe DaVola, you were our favorite Pagliacci.
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to the clubs… but before we go, we’d like to wish a big Bullets happy birthday to the Head Nerd In Charge, our fearless leader J.C. Party up, pal. And know that, just like Bryan Adams said… everything we do, we do it for you. But… you know… not in a gay way.
As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:
Official Beverage: Smart Water (What? You’re still drinking the dumb water?)
Official Car: The Honda Fit
Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Bush Appointee: Alberto Gonzalez
Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Looney Tunes Character: Speedy Gonzalez
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
The mystery of the whereabouts of “Rehab” singer & all-around drunken mess Amy Winehouse was cleared up this week. Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil says that the two have sought help at a “retreat” and that Amy is doing fine, and is “determined to get well.” The Bullets tried to reach the ‘retreat’ for comment, but during the conversation, Amy bashed the admitting nurse over the head with a
coffee table she dragged out of the group therapy room, then ripped the phone out of the wall.
It was announced Thursday that former Girls Gone Wild star and Bush daughter Jenna is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, political hack Henry Hager. The Bullets has learned from a source close to the president that The White House is already busy with wedding preparations, including renting 500 tuxes for the secret service, wire-tapping prospective guests to get a head start on the thank you cards, and sending U.S. military forces into Macy’s for a china pattern that they don’t carry.
Paris Hilton caused a mob scene as she launched her new clothing line at the Kitson Boutique in L.A. Friday, in an event benefitting the L.A. Children’s Hospital. Paris said she’s been “really blessed by God” and she just wanted to give something back. Ya know Paris, the charity thing was nice… but we’re not sure that snowballing Adrian Grenier is the kind of giving something back that the big guy has in mind.
Two men died at the New Jersey stop of this year’s Ozzfest on Thursday. A spokesperson for Ozzfest organizers told The Bullets, “Wow. We knew Static X sucked, but we didn’t think it would actually kill anybody.”
Prison Break star Dominic Purcell is claiming that the upcoming third season of the hit Fox drama will be “the best season thus far.” The actor, who has also starred in Blade: Trinity & Mission Impossible II told TV Guide that everyone should really enjoy the new episodes, except for the kid Lane Garrison killed in that car accident.
In other TV news, Nichelle “Uhuru” Nichols will join her Star Trek crewmate George “Sulu” Takei in the upcoming season of Heroes. Series creator Tim Kring has also told TV Guide that since the ashes of James “Scotty” Doohan never actually made it into space, he would like them to play the contents of an ashtray in a future episode, just as soon as they finish sweeping all of him up.
Country singer Travis Tritt has a new album, The Storm, that critics are calling soulful, rocking, and even funky. When The Bullets reached it for comment, a mostly disinterested America said, “That guy still makes albums?”
Speaking of new albums, The Eagles’ Long Road Out Of Eden will be retailing at Wal Mart for just $11.88, even though it’s a double CD loaded with 20 tracks. When asked why the low price, A Wal Mart representative told The Bullets, “That’s nothing. When the next Rolling Stones album comes out, we’re actually gonna pay you to take it.”
Hottie-Boom-A-Lottie & former No Doubt front woman Gwen Stefani will extoll the joys of motherhood in a cover story in next month’s issue of InStyle magazine. Gwen even takes her 1 year old son Kingston with her on tour. We don’t really have a story here, The Bullets just wanted to give little Kingston his props… we’ve been wanting to pass through Gwen’s vagina since Tragic Kingdom.
Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Don’t take any wooden nickels… and we really shouldn’t hafta tell you that.
Never been a huge fan of the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. To me it always seemed like the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. An advertising gimmick, payed for by record companies & agents, not a genuine “honor.” And I was also dubious of the selection process. How do you induct The Clash & Patti Smith, and The Sex Pistols, but miss Television or The Buzzcocks? Why is Van Halen in, but not The Cars? Why James Taylor and not Cat Stevens? Booker T. & The M.G.s and not The Bar-Kays? See what I mean, it drives me crazy!!!
BUT…
Some of those feelings changed last week when I had the pleasure of visiting the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame & Museum. I only stayed for a day, but I could have done two, easy. And if they’d let me take my camera in… I’d probably still be there. So, regardless of the stature of the Hall Of Fame itself, there is nothing in dispute over the quality of the museum it has put together for it’s inductees.
And here are just a very few of the very many things that I saw that I will never forget:
The guitar Pete Townshend composed most of Tommy on.
Freddie Mercury’s white outfit with the black lightning bolts on it.
Jimmy Hendrix’s artwork.
Joan Jett’s red latex halter top & black converse all stars.
The envelope that John Lennon wrote In My Life on.
Jim Morrison’s report cards.
Joey Ramone’s 3rd Grade class picture.
The actual broken bass that Paul Simonon is smashing on the cover of London Calling.
James Brown’s red velvet tuxedo.
A letter Madonna wrote to a friend when she was at the University of Michigan in 1977, saying how bored she is, how she’s gonna drop out and move to New York, and that how when her parents find out they’re gonna kill her.
A letter The Damned wrote to The Ramones after their first visit to London, telling them how great it was to hang out with them, and that they hope they see each other again soon.
The actual Schoolmaster from the Pink Floyd: The Wall concerts, reaching out to grab me from behind The Wall.
Seeing the other side of The Wall, upon which, like graffitti, Roger Waters had written a story that detailed the reasons he left Pink Floyd.
Bono’s Fly outfit.
Tom Petty’s Mad Hatter hat from the Don’t Come Around Here No More video.
Z.Z. Top’s Eliminator car. That’s right… it’s just sitting there behind some velvet ropes with a sign that says “please don’t touch.” Gimme a fucking break.
A Christmas card Jim Morrison had made for his parents when he was 12, wishing them a “Cool Yule.”
Elvis’ first recording contract.
Joey Ramone’s leather jacket.
Sid Vicious’ leather pants.
David Bowie’s Thin White Duke outfit.
The Les Paul exhibit.
The little kid in The Ramones t-shirt!
The guy who put his hand on the glass over Jimi Hendrix’s coat as if it were transferring magical powers to him…
Roy Orbison’s Red & White Corvette.
Joe Strummers’ guitar, with all the set lists still taped to the side of it.
The jacket John Lennon wore on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s.
Elvis’ Snowflake Jumpsuit.
The goofy, fringed-leather Indian getup Roger Daltrey wore on a BBC show once.
Michael Jackson’s Thriller zombie outfit.
The thought that maybe, someday, someone will buy me the framed & autographed Stevie Nicks scarf hanging in the Museum Store. (it’s only $900.00!!!!)
Sweeps are over people and this weekend really shows the strain of TV when nobody is watching. Here’s the best of some mighty slim pickings.
Friday
Ice Wars 2006: USA VS. The World
Once again, the rest of the world is pitted against us. Even in ice skating, we stand alone. Couldn’t they at least have given us the UK and Australia? You know, a Coalition of the Skating? Tune in to see if Brian Boitano can save the day again.
1 Vs. 100
This week features the cast of Las Vegas. Now is your chance to prove you’re smarter than Nikki Cox.
Saturday
The Christmas Card
A soldier visits a family because he got an anonymous Christmas card from them on the front line – kind of creepy if you ask me. Also, since this is the Hallmark channel, I’ve got to wonder if this isn’t an infomercial.
Sunday
Librarian Two: Return to Kind Solomon’s Mine
Noah Wyle reprises his role as a geekier version of Indiana Jones. Guess where he’s going this time? Oh, and it’s directed by Commander Riker. Good to see Frakes getting work . . . I guess.
This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick
Pearl Harbor
People criticize this movie (probably because the romance is so incredibly lame) but they just don’t know how to watch it. Skip the first 45 minutes and the last 45 minutes. When you see Alec Baldwin, it’s time to go for a snack. If you follow these tips, you can have a pretty pleasant viewing experience. Tivo really helps this one out.
Be the First to Comment 
somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…
The silicon chip inside her head
As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
Never been a huge fan of the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. To me it always seemed like the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. An advertising gimmick, payed for by record companies & agents, not a genuine “honor.” And I was also dubious of the selection process. How do you induct The Clash & Patti Smith, and The Sex Pistols, but miss Television or The Buzzcocks? Why is Van Halen in, but not The Cars? Why James Taylor and not Cat Stevens? Booker T. & The M.G.s and not The Bar-Kays? See what I mean, it drives me crazy!!!