TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Say, you’re looking pretty good this week. Your breath smells better, your hair is shinier and your teeth haven’t sparkled like that in months. Did you get some work done? No, of course you didn’t. What you did do was embrace the inner you that makes you so you and you should feel proud of that you brave, brave you. Your lucky veteran character actor is Bruce McGill.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Did you play the game again this week? Did you play it well? Did you get what you wanted? Keep telling yourself that it will all work out in the end. Go ahead. I want to hear you say it right now. Be proud of who you are, whether you are worth being proud of or not. Your lucky veteran character actor is Stephen Tobolowsky.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
How long has it been since you watched Sesame Street? That show has changed over the years. They’ve even weaned Cookie Monster off of cookies. That seems a bit odd doesn’t it? Kind of like what has been going on in your life lately. You didn’t think I’d noticed did you? Oh, I noticed. You’d better shape up. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kurtwood Smith.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
There isn’t enough lotion in the world to make that icky feeling go away so stop trying. You need to learn to live inside your skin because you are stuck there. Accept your flaws. Embrace your strengths and get your ass back on track. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kevin Dunn.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Have you ever wondered what Superman would be like if he had Batman’s personal history? What would have happened if Jonathan and Martha Kent had been wealthy urbanites gunned down in front of Clark’s eyes? What would have happened if a young Clark had fallen into the Bat Cave? What would have happened if Clark had a personal fortune that was measured in the billions? I’ll tell you what would have happened; Superman would have been the coolest superhero ever. Think about that the next time you whine about your personal life. Your lucky veteran character actor is Terence Stamp.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
So the other day I was walking into the grocery store and I was accosted by a young woman who wanted me to carry her bags out to the car. I am a gentleman, so I did it, but I still feel the request was a bit out of line. Random acts of helpful generosity take their toll. Your lucky veteran character actor is Brian Smiar.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The amount of rage a person feels is roughly parallel to the amount of love they have to give, if that person is a raging psychopath. Quit telling yourself that love and anger are intertwined. Learn to let love be happy. Making yourself miserable is a sign that you are a moron. Your lucky veteran character actor is Donald Moffat.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I keep telling the people at the laundromat that light starch is as much starch as I will ever want or need, but once again my shirt feels like a plate of armor. Who do you have to wash around here to get a decent shirt? Oh the rinse cycle has been cruel to me over the years. Speaking of cruel, I don’t think you should be using your friends like doormats. I just thought you should know. Your lucky veteran character actor is Charles Lane.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? Are you more of a stalker or a stalkee? Try to get stalked more often and to cut down on the amount of stalking that you yourself do. You’ll be proud of yourself for the change and everyone who is stalking you will be impressed as well. Your lucky veteran character actor is Earl Cameron.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Clean your room. Do all your chores. Eat everything on your plate and stop listening to that noise you call music. I’m serious. I will put you in time out if you don’t start shaping up, and if you know anything about time out, you know that you are in no way ready for that kind of torture. Do you get the point? Your lucky veteran character actor is Phillip Baker Hall.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Whatever you think you know, just remember that a rotten tomato is far better than a fresh one, at least when it comes to throwing. You’ve been walking along the edge of darkness for some time now, and I am proud of you. It is only when you fall into the abyss that you can truly appreciate what you mean to yourself. Nice work. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frankie Faison.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Lammasu. You are a noble creature with the face of a human, the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle. Adventurers seek you our for your wisdom and compassion. Your lucky feat is Spirited Charge.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Gorgon. You are a bull-like creature who guards its territory and possessions with fierce determination. You are aggressive and will attempt to trample interlopers into your domain. Your lucky feat is Improved Disarm.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Ettin, a two-headed giant known for your ferocity. You may not be the smartest creature in the world but you are a cunning fighter and two heads are better than one when it comes to listening and searching. Your lucky feat is Alertness.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Phase Spider. You are an aggressive hunter who can move between the material and the ethereal planes. Your eight silver-white eyes see all. Hunt with pleasure my Cancer friend. Your lucky feat is Improved Initiative.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Cloaker. You lurk in the dark places below the surface of things. You have the ability to stay still and alert long after the rest of the creatures have given up and moved on. Lie in wait my Leo friend. Your lucky feat is Endurance.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Silver Dragon. You are regal, graceful and wise with the cheerful ability to help others. You often take human form when you are not at rest in your aerial lair and can walk on clouds as if they were earth. You avoid combat except when faced with a particularly evil or aggressive foe. Your lucky feat is Craft Wondrous Item.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as Shield Guardian. Your purpose in life is to ensure the safety of those you have been charged with protecting. You are strong and direct, metallic and imposing. Your lucky feat is Deflect Arrows.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a pixie. You are small and elf-like but you are a merry prankster who loves to lead travelers astray and trick misers out of their wealth. Your job in life is to annoy and frustrate the greedy. Your lucky feat is Rapid Shot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Aasimar. You are the product of a union between a celestial and a human. You look human except for minor details, such as those cute curly horns growing out of your head. You are good in nature but an excellent fighter and leader with the ability to cast an occasional spell. Your lucky feat is Scribe Scroll.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Storm Giant. You are huge and powerful, good but chaotic. No one else’s rules can govern you. Your strength is unparalleled. Fight the good fight. Your lucky feat is Sunder.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Blink Dog. When you hunt or track you can appear out of nowhere. You are constantly surprising your prey. You are playful but very protective, especially of your pups. Your lucky feat is Iron Will.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Arrowhawk. You have the wings of a hawk and a long snakelike body covered in feathers and spines. You are extremely territorial and you are always hungry. You can fire rays of electricity from your tail. Your lucky feat is Far Shot.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Honey, it’s time to accept that not everyone looks good in cigarette-burned leather. Especially not over an A.F.I. t-shirt sporting significant mascara stains. If you take the first road West, there is a flannel shirt waiting for you at the end of your journey. It is warm. It smells faintly of beer. It is your salvation. Your lucky emo band is Coheed and Cambria.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You’re about to see your hobbies fall to the wayside and your significant other leave you for a 30 year old punk rocker with bad teeth. Fret not. Eat your Wheaties and on the 28th all will become clear. Your lucky emo band is Rise Against.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
That lovely lady winking at you from over by the Ms Pac-Man game is no lady. That fruit punch is no ticket to heaven! When the new moon ascends, it is advisable to wear a hat. But for the love of god, not a beret. Your lucky Emo band is Bright Eyes.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Stop watching Supernatural reruns and get out into some sunlight! No one wants to read your fanfic, and you could stand to get a little exercise this month. Make sure to carry high DEET content bug spray for that barbeque next Wednesday, or everyone will regret it. Your lucky emo band is Dashboard Confessional.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Sweetcakes, when I say gardening is not for wussies you need to trust me on that. Really. Your lucky emo band is Boy Sets Fire.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Peace is finally ahead for you. If you stay true to your feelings (and not those of Harry-At-The-Bus-Stop), you’ll be well on your way to your own slice of the pie. Keep it up! Your lucky emo band is Fugazi.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve got the best Big Picture skills of anyone in the Zodiac, and it is time to prove it. Corporate politics are terrifying at best, but with a little moxy, luck, and tequila, you’ll be well on your way to business stardom. Just don’t trust the man in the red jacket! Your lucky emo band is My Chemical Romance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Those high schoolers at the Dairy Queen aren’t really laughing at you, they’re just intimidated by your sexiness. Steer clear, or you’ll wind up alone in an alley with your wallet missing and 50 Cent in your record collection. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Your lucky emo band is Pedro the Lion.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Kitten, Twinkies are no good for your alien love-child. Ho-ho’s are far better. Be on the look out for a magic hobo next week. He brings you tidings of joy and lower rates on car insurance. Your lucky emo band is Fall Out Boy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Your little buddies may think cutting is cool, but lockjaw is about as unsexy as it gets. Check those old razors for rust in between making mix tapes and writing your fifth “current mood: depressed” entry of the day on LiveJournal. Your EMT will thank you. Your lucky emo band is Bayside.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Nobody likes a sore loser, so instead of sulking in the corner when you’re trounced by that hair dresser with the split lip, bust out those jello shots from the back of your fridge and throw yourself a rockin’ party. Your lucky emo band is Sunny Day Real Estate.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Danger, dear reader, danger! An upcoming encounter with a dilapidated Ford Bronco may cost your more than your dignity, and that money you buried under a rock in the front yard will prove not as safe as you once thought. On the bright side, that hottie at the bar is totally checking you out. Your lucky emo band is Braid.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Nobody frolics anymore, and that is a real shame. A good frolic can give your heart a whole new lease on live. I’ll bet you don’t have the guts to frolic though. It takes an awfully brave or oblivious person. Try to be one or the other. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Straight Story.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
It may take a village to raise a child but private school is still your best bet. You’ve been thinking about children a lot lately, haven’t you? Well, stop. Start thinking about Pragmatism. It is a good ethos. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Down Periscope.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
If you’ve ever jumped out of a moving vehicle, then you are probably familiar with the concept of tuck and roll. I want you to tuck and roll this week. If something gets you down or gets you angry, tuck and roll. It is the best way for a Cancer to deal with disaster. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
I’ve warned you more than once to stop stalking people but you just don’t seem to listen. How many bedroom windows do you have to look into before you understand that you are no longer a past of the picture? Give everyone a break. Take up a hobby. I hear that scrapbooking is fun. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Big Bounce.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Nice job on that interview last week. I told you to just relax and be yourself and look how well it went. The phone calls are going to be flying fast and furious this week. You have a lot of suitors. Go with your gut. You’ve got the best gut in the Zodiac. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Repo Man.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
With the price of gasoline and gold rising so quickly these days, I think you ought to take a look at getting into commodities training. Of any of the signs, I’ve always said that you’ve got the best head for commodities. Make us proud and make a little money. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pretty in Pink.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Can you sense the change in the air these days? Your sign is entering brand new territory. You need to get outdoors as often as you can this week. Roller skating can be fun and so can skateboarding. Give one of those a try and you will have the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Paris, Texas.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I can’t help but think we’ve been down this road before. How many people are you going to have to hurt in order to get what you want? The list is up to about 23 at this point so try to keep it fewer than 30. Good luck my friend. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Alien.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Wake up. This is no picnic and it’s no roadhouse barbeque. Stop dawdling. Go to the mall and pick yourself up a new pair of pants. You’ve going to need them where you’re going. Try not to get corduroy. Corduroy is the devil’s fabric. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Freedom and liberty made America great. What are you going to do to help? It is about time you stopped sitting on your ass and got into the fight. Pick a side and make a stand. America needs people like you right now on both sides of the battle. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is The Green Mile.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is the week that you should start writing poems. I assign you to write eighteen dirty limericks this week. It will make you smile and it will keep you away from the trouble that is going to come looking for you by the weekend. Just keep writing and you will be just fine. Your lucky Harry Dean Stanton movie is She’s So Lovely .

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
I swear to god your week is looking better than roasted meat and baked potatoes. You gotta grab your life by the horny toads and swing it around the room until it just busts out with fun and excitement and good feelings and all that wonderful stuff. Your lucky song is Living For The City and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Oh man it’s so great to be telling you your horoscope and all. I feel so happy just to be working with you and helping you to make a better life for you and all of the special people in your life. I think you need to get out and dance more. Music heals, that’s what my Gamma always told me and I think it holds true today more than ever. You just have to let yourself feel life and be alive and all and life will give you the things you need it to provide for you if you know what I mean. Your lucky song is Dancing in the Dark and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You know whatever you gotta do you just gotta pour your heart into it and give it everything you got. I’m telling you that the moon phase is all right for you to be giving your heart and soul to everything that makes you feel good and makes the people around you feel good. When I was a kid I used to stare up at that big old man moon and wonder what was in store for me and he told me my life had magic in it. Now I’m telling you. Your lucky song is You are so Beautiful and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
I know you and you know me and we both know that we sometimes love too hard. Oh we love hard and feel things so deep that sometimes we just lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about all the love we have to give and how it just wants to burst all up inside of us and find itself a home. Oh you know the way it is. You keep thinking about the way that life goes and you just get all amazed and stuff. Yeah you know. We really need to meet up sometimes and have ourselves a ball. Your lucky song is Try a Little Tenderness and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You know I love you my Leo Buddy-ro, but I gotta tell you that dark times are lying in wait for you. I remember one time I got my foot stuck in a rabbit hole while I was running across my Gamma’s back yard and I got clay so deep in my jeans they was all but ruined. I felt bad but I was still so thankful to be alive and not so badly hurt and all. I think you need to take the same comfort in the fact that you ain’t quite dead yet. Your lucky song is In the Ghetto and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooWee!

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
One of the surprising things about being famous and popular and all is that people really think you’re smarter than you really are and sometimes they even respect your opinion and all. I think this is a lot like what you’re going through with your star sign and all. People keep giving you more credit than you deserve or really even need and sometimes it can make you a little uncomfortable. Am I right? Well the next time you get to feelin that way just remember that you are a Virgo and all, the best of all the star signs and that you deserve every bit of the love and adulating that you are getting. You make me so happy to be alive! Your lucky song is Crazy Little Thing Called Love and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Sometimes when you feel soul so deep in your soul you feel like your knees are gonna buckle and you reach deep inside yourself and pull out your dreams so you can show them to everyone you know. Do you know that feeling? I feel that feeling all the time and it just makes me so happy. You need to avoid excess sugar this week so no candy bars or licorice whips or nothing please. I know it will all work out in the end. Your lucky song is Take me Home Country Roads and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
I got to host this parade the other day and there was a big marching band behind me. They walked in perfect time with each other and they kept the beat real nice while I sang to all the people on the street. I’m pretty sure it happened but it may have been a dream cause sometimes I dream about parades. I can’t explain it. I’ve just done that since I was a little munchkin and all. Anyway, if your dreams and your reality somehow synch up this week you’re gonna have a fantastic and wonderful time and everybody around you will be along for the glorious ride. Oh I get so excited just thinking about it. Your lucky song is Not Fade Away and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I know its hard to think about now that everybody sees me as this singer whose been singing since he was just a little singing kid and all but I used to play a lot of basketball. Basketball is so great and fun and all and this one time I scored 48 points in one game. That’s just one game. So you see it isn’t just that I had music to believe in. I could believe in myself a number of different ways and it all made sense to me that I could be different things and be really good and all. I think You can be a number of things too and I just want you to feel yourself come alive. I know you can do it. Go have you a meat plus three and go change the world! Your lucky song is Takin’ It to the Streets and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
In my version of heaven there’s good music and good people and a whole lot of dancing and all. I love to hear the music and I love the thought of heaven and everybody getting there and making great music together. You should look for your own personal heaven. It can make a whole new you! Your lucky song is Soul Man and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
My old beautiful wonderful Gamma used to tell me that there is a little bit of wonderful in each and every one of us and there’s a little bit of bad too. You got to let yourself be who you are and remember that you’re never gonna be perfect. Perfect people are like rats on a football field. They don’t belong and sooner or later they’re gonna ruin the game. Your lucky song is You Can Leave Your Hat On and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There’s a lot of things I care for and a lot of things I don’t like war and dead puppies and people who are mean and all. I like to spend nights looking out at the rain and thinking about people I used to know when I was younger and people I will meet someday if I stay famous long enough. I keep thinking that my fifteen minutes may be running out but I hope there’s enough love out there to keep me around a while longer. I think the same is true for you. You have a lot of love to give. Give it up to everyone you know! Your lucky song is Play That Funky Music and you know I’m singing it just for you! WhooooWeeee!

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
On his deathbed, my friend the multimillionaire exotic pet mogul Franz Heffert told me that he’d always wanted to be a dancer. He did love exotic pets though. There’s a lesson in that. Your lucky geographical feature is a Moor.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Health and wealth are like frightened children and wallpaper. They generally have little to do with each other. Of the two, which would you choose? Your lucky geographical feature is a Fjord.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
A fountain of knowledge isn’t like a water fountain. It is more like a freeway with way too much traffic and not enough lanes. Sooner or later, it gets you where you are going, but you may not enjoy the trip. Your lucky geographical feature is a Barchan Dune.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
No matter what you settle for, sooner or later you will have to settle. If you think your parents didn’t love you then think again. They just didn’t love the idea of you. Your lucky geographical feature is a Floodplain.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
In poker, the best hand doesn’t always win the money. In chess, check and checkmate are far from the same thing. In love, what you love and what loves you are generally not the same. Pick a side. Your lucky geographical feature is a Glacier.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
The other day I met with a man who wanted to explain to me why there was nothing left to explain and why there was no reason to do so. I listened to him because he was paying me. This is what we like to call a moment of clarity. Have your own moment of clarity this week. Your lucky geographical feature is a Thalweg.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The Hungarians have a maxim that roughly translated says, “The truth you find will climb all over you until it relieves itself somewhere near your mouth or eyes.” Truth is a slippery thing and you should be sure you want it before you seek it. A well-crafted lie can make your day pass faster. Your lucky geographical feature is a Savannah.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Surprise and delight are better than shock and awe most weeks. The beautiful also tends to trump the sublime. Make your way to the center of your soul this week and take a look around. Are you surprised or awed? Your lucky geographical feature is a Peninsula.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The other day I was meditating and I had a vision of you surfing on a wave of grape soda. This told me something about where you want to be in life. You crave motion over progress and journeys over destinations. There is nothing wrong with that, but always keep your eyes open when you surf. The next wave could be your last. Your lucky geographical feature is a Levee.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Progress has not always been your friend, has it? Well, that’s about to change. Now, progress will be your adorable lapdog waiting for your command. Well, technically you are going to have to struggle and fight for everything you get, but at least that’s progress. Your lucky geographical feature is Tundra.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
There are three trials you will have to face in the next week or two. You will be given a relationship challenge, a physical challenge and a mental challenge. To be honest, this will happen to you every week or perhaps even daily for the foreseeable future. Remember that you don’t have to succeed every time. Your lucky geographical feature is a Valley.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is a bad week to run, drive fast, time yourself, make generalized comparisons or give advice. This is a good week to get a massage, peer into the distance, give a witty reply and use a fork. If you find yourself, let us know. Your lucky oil is heartcut distillate.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This is a bad week to hunt, fish, develop an action plan, sell fruit or place your trust in authority figures. This is a good week to spay or neuter your pet, sing your own praises, buy salad dressing, go to a carnival or look within yourself. Northeast is an underrated compass point. Your lucky oil is raisin seed.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is a bad week to watch any movie made before 1947, wear outdated fashions, discuss James Joyce, cut your toenails or fly a helicopter. This is a good week to get to the point, fight with your neighbors, accept your limitations, get a fungus treatment or visit Latin America. There are vultures all around you. Your lucky oil is Cottonseed.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This is a bad week to use magic markers, fold paper, listen to jazz, finish your novel or have your house fumigated. This is a good week to keep yourself meticulously clean, eat whole foods, drink bottled water or go on a blind date. Functional illiteracy is not functional. Your lucky oil is tung.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is a bad week to wash your car, accelerate toward a yellow light, drink hard liquor, foot the bill, hand off a project or stick your neck out. This is a good week to shower frequently, face your inner demons, settle an old score or redistribute wealth. Your fan club is growing. Your lucky oil is castor.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This is a bad week to seek venture capital funding, spring a new move on your partner, engage in a “dance off”, insult a Canadian, feel something in your gut or collect novelty pillows. This is a good week to free your mind, cast off your shackles, drink diet orange drinks, fall in love or eat a bagel. Fingers won’t sign autographs. Your lucky oil is olive.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This is a bad week to attend a seminar, go to a mall, climb a fence, forge a new alliance or eat fast food. This is a good week to be stern yet fair, gruff but lovable, consoling but critical and to use bags that have zippers. Go to your happy place. Your lucky oil is penetrating.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is a bad week to eat cooked berries, hold your breath, fold eggs, or to forget why you came. This is a good work to read the novels of Tom Perotta, chew your food thoroughly, invest in environmentally friendly companies and dance, dance, dance! There are at least a dozen worthwhile toppings for pizza. Your lucky oil is lanolin.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This is a bad week to listen to eighties pop, seventies rock and sixties folk. This is also a bad week to engage in the practice known as stipulating. This is a good week to cut crass, red tape and the crap. Beware of Spanish tile. Your lucky oil is soapstock.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This is a bad week to eat cheddar jalapeno Cheetos, spend nickels, bathe with strangers, fly a jet or eat everything on your plate. This is a good week to eat corn flakes, talk to pigeons, erase whiteboards and read outdated newspapers. Do you feel like your life is a straight-to-video release? Your lucky oil is Palm Fatty Acid Distillate.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is a bad week to read handbills, drink bottled water, diet, listen to big band music or buy a boat. This is a good week to count on your fingers, test your emotional boundaries, grill your food and establish a democracy using force. Vote early. Vote often. Your lucky oil is neatsfoot.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You have come from the mountain
The walk has been slow but pleasant
You are looking at the animals
You see them all round you
They allow you into their party
Let them guide you

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The cave stretches into darkness
You hold your hand against the side
To track your path inward
You feel life move around you
Small and blind
But sure of where it is
You will get lost
Before you find your way out
Finding ourselves when we are lost
Defines us

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
The past surrounds you like morning
On a cold wet day
The ground absorbs your steps
The path drops and winds
You must find your way home

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
The croak of the frog
The grunt of the pig
The whisper of the trees
As you pass under them
Listen to the world
As it talks to you

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
The candles burn dimly
Every shadow finds an ally
Darkness is not your enemy
Fear of darkness is what haunts you
Close your eyes
See what you need to see

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Watch the Sunset
Speak into the wind
Bless the end of the day
Embrace the night
Feel the world change
And accept all that comes

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Never forget who you are
And everything that made you
Memory and love dance as partners
Each step moves you closer
To the life you want to lead
And the partner you seek

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
The rain and the butterfly
Fall and fly
Drops on a tree
Wings in the spaces between
Every color comes alive
Then comes apart
Follow the colors
Fall and fly

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You are the fish in the cold stream
Hiding behind a good round stone
Waiting for the next bigger rock
To seek safety behind
Swim out into the unknown stream
Embrace the flow of the water
Avoid every stone you see

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Feel the rhythm of your pulse
Let the beat guide your breath
Close your eyes and rest
It is time to let go
You need to look deeper
Inside

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Lay on your back
Watch the moon cross the stars
Watch over the stars as they align themselves
Feel the breeze against your face
Feel the ground underneath you
Connect yourself to the world

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You are lying on an unfamiliar bed filled with stuffed animals. You vaguely remember a club and a girl, or was it a boy? Sometimes they look the same at these clubs. You grab one of the stuffed animals. You hate how soft it feels and you feel the need to twist its fuzzy little head off. Just as the stuffing starts to fall out you hear a short squeal of panic come from across the room. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Saucerful of Secrets.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Your workout routine is the stuff of legends. You start with two hundred ab crunches, then run five miles on the machine. You follow that up with a hundred push-ups and then you hit the bicycle for a half hour. As you exercise you listen to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”. The lyrics, about the hard lives of working class men, inspire you to sweat. After it’s done you take a cool shower and get a massage. This is what gets you ready for your day. The office awaits. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Piper At The Gates of Dawn.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You walk through the open door into the condo. You’re carrying an envelope stuffed with money and you are more than a little nervous because you have never met here before. A fresh blond boy you think you remember seeing at a club the other day is lying asleep on the couch. On the TV a band you don’t recognize is screaming about death and dark matter and the way of the gun. You want to turn around. You want to run. Most of all, you want to exchange your money for a few days supply of fun. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Final Cut.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You don’t like the way maitre d’ looks at you as you approach. You want him to know how rich and important you are but you know he doesn’t care. Nobody poor comes through these doors. Nobody nice comes through these doors. Every person here is more important to you and even if they aren’t they are already seated. You have to get through. To be turned way would crush every iota of your being into paste. That can’t happen. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Relics.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
You admire the reflection you make in the store windows as you walk down the street in your Armani overcoat. Your mouth has a dull metallic taste from the long hard flossing you gave yourself after breakfast. You notice the glances of the people on the street as they see how resplendent you are. Everything comes together for the perfect look. Today you truly exist. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Dark Side of The Moon.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You don’t want to take any calls today. You don’t want to deal with the cautionary tales of your co-workers’ most recent hookups. You don’t want to think about what restaurant you are going to end up at tonight. You just want to exist without thought. You want to fade into the background. Fade. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is The Wall.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
You’ve taken yet another anonymous job at a faceless company that makes nothing you know or understand. You sit at the computer and when the phone rings you try to say something intelligent to the voice of a person who will never see you and who won’t remember your name six seconds after you give it. You test yourself by multiplying and dividing seven digit numbers in your head. You are still sharp. You are still waiting for your moment. What can you do to help? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Ummagumma.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
You can’t believe that first class doesn’t have any tequila better than Patron. Patron went downhill hears ago and everyone knows it. To serve it in first class is a cruel and empty gesture. You know not to expect the best, but Don Julio or Don Eduardo or even Cazadores would have saved the day. As it is, you settle for whisky like some outdated provincial from Omaha. Can this trip get any worse? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Wish You Were Here.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You reluctantly answer the phone. Jamie is pissed and says you forgot to meet him at End Times. You are pretty sure you never had any such agreement, but you apologize anyway. You tell him you were stuck at the tanning spa, which he believes because that is exactly where he would be too. He tells you to come by his house later – that he’s got a welcome home gift. You are pretty sure that this gift will cost you money, but you say sure. What else can you do? Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Animals.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
You sit in the slick leather chair at your therapist’s office and tell her about the dream you had last night. You are making it up as you go along. There is something about a coyote that gets run over by a Ferrari in the middle of a dust storm and then you are lost in a dark desert and you have no shoes. You start to cry as you relate this part of your fictional dream. The therapist tells you she wants you to try hypnosis with you. You laugh but pretend to keep crying. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Meddle.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
You are lying at the bottom of an empty pool behind a deserted house. There are no stars or clouds to look at, just the blank orangish darkness of the city. The pool smells of mold, but you can’t deny the privacy. You are as alone as you have ever hoped to be. You cannot ever picture leaving. Your lucky Pink Floyd Album is Atom Heart Mother.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You are walking down a long farm road. You don’t remember waking up this morning. The workers are browned by the sun – muscular and angular. As focused as truth. They make sidelong glances at you as if expecting something new but quickly being disappointed that you are just a lone person on a long road. Will authenticity follow? Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Lew Welch.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
You are beginning to realize that there is little difference between a traveling salesman and a wanderer. If you sold things, that would be a job; it would be a duty. Would that detract from your wandering? Self doubt lingers in the air like cotton candy on a child’s mouth. You feel alone, but you feel you are at the start of something. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Michael McClure.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You wonder for a moment if the car you are in is stolen. Where did it come from? You look at the driver as if looking at him for the first time. He drives like a pro. He knows cars the way you know yourself. You feel a glimmer of his confidence. Adventure lurks in the corner if you can just wake it up. You take another drink and relax into the upholstery. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Jack Kerouac.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You are in the back of a run-down broken backstreet bar. The band is blowing, blowing with all the rhythm and hop of a beat-up Cadillac on a railroad track. The energy loosens your groove. You can’t find the bartender and you’re not sure you could afford a beer anyway. This is a good night to approach a stranger and everyone here is swept away in the energy, talking and jumping onto their chairs. It is a fanatical world and you feel lucky to be a part of it. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Philip Whalen

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
You eat ravenously as you dance. You have a sandwich in one hand and a bottle of something you can’t identify in the other. Dexter Gordon is bopping for all get out and you see the object of your affection across the room, smooth skinned and covered in agitation. The night is racing toward its conclusion and you hold on because you want to ride this horse all the way to town. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is William Burroughs.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve been thrown out of your third hotel room in four nights and you are starting to feel like you will never sleep again. How many hours has it been since you closed your eyes? You could count them but counting seems like an awful lot of work and it is better just to ride all night looking for an open patch of grass where you can lay down and let everything collapse on top of you for an hour or two until you drift away. When was the last time you were like this? You want to remember but you can’t. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Allen Ginsberg.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
You can see the thick ropes of smoke on the horizon and you are starting to smell the burning corn and rye. You can’t believe you are driving toward a burn that big. Something in the back of your mind panics and you want to turn the wheel. You want to turn back and run all the way home. Your arms stay locked and steady though. There is something at the other side of that cloud that you have to see. You want to come through, covered in ash and dirt and sweat. You need to make it through. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Gary Snyder.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
The busted out railroad car you spend the night in creaks with every gust of wind. There is a mound of trash in the corner from the dozens of others who have tramped through here before you. You are so tired that your muscles don’t want to work, but your eyes won’t close. You stare at a patch of stars through a hole in the top of the car and you watch it slowly move. You can tell by the shadows that the moon is coming close to the hole. Will you get to see it? You want so much to see it. You think that will bring you sleep. You have connected yourself to it. The wait may last forever. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Gregory Corso.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
The jail cell you are in tonight looks pretty much like the one from last month. What petty crime are you guilty of this time? You don’t think it was more than a two-night transgression and you are unsure of what can happen after that. Your cellmates smell like burnt motor oil and the one in the corner has a hacking cough. You are sure you’ll be out in the sun soon, walking down the road – just another free animal in the daylight. The wait always seems longer than it is. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Neal Cassady.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Once you cross the border everything changes. The houses all look like they have lost their agenda. The people walk in loose, careless steps that eat up the landscape in front of them. The smell of food seems to surround everything. Nothing costs much and plenty is free as long as you are friendly. Everyone is like you, and you feel more at home that you ever felt at home. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Kenneth Rexroth.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Your house has been invaded by friendly maniacs. The party has been going on for a long time and you can see that a good part of the order you used to rely on has been disrupted and redistributed. You can either smile and welcome the party or push them out in all of your fury. It only takes a moment to decide who you are once the pressure is on. Your lucky Beat Generation writer is Kirby Doyle.