Just Us Nerds

Time for another WGA strike update. First off: The Weinstein Company, MRC, and Spyglass Entertainment have each signed interim agreements, joining the ever-expanding list of independent production companies who have been able to negotiate a fair deal with the WGA.

That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

There is a plot out there. It is a plot to ruin America. We all see it. We all know it. It is coming at us from all directions, even from our ice cream. Someone is trying to turn All-American ice cream into some sort of fancy gourmet dessert that saps us of our vital fluids. This list is just a warning. I need to be very clear. There are only five safe flavors: chocolate, vanilla, stawberry, pistachio and mint. Anything else is suspect.

1. Butter Pecan – Can you believe this is the third most popular flavor in the United States? It is obviously a plot by the left-wing nut-nuts.
2. Cherries Jubilee – OK, now this has got to be part of the homosexual agenda. No straight man could possibly order an ice cream with jubilee in its name.
3. Truffle – This is yet another example of the French plotting to destroy the American way of eating.
4. Pralines ‘n Cream – I don’t know what a praline is, I don’t know what a praline does, but I know it sounds un-American. It has got to be some kind of French thing. Screw you Frenchie!
5. Cherry Garcia – Why don’t we just take some mushrooms and smoke a doobie? Seriously, this flavor is an acid trip waiting to happen.
6. Half Baked – And here is another druggie flavor. This is a gateway ice cream and we all know it.
7. Nutty Coconut – OK, what is wrong with this picture? There are three regular nuts and coconut on top of that! Eating this is like chewing asphalt.
8. Vermont Blueberry – OK, blue ice cream just feels wrong. I don’t want any part of it.
9. Cinnamon – What the hell? Ice cream should not burn your tongue. Whoever thought of this is just plain sick in the head.
10. Russian Nesselrode – The cold war may be “over” but I for one am not eating anything with Russian in its name. Also, what in the name of all that is holy is a Nesselrode?
11. Dutch Chocolate – We don’t need the Dutch for anything, including chocolate. I’ll take some good old-fashioned American Chocolate thank you.
12. Turkish Coffee – Don’t they put heroin in Turkish coffee? Just what I need, coffee and a smack habit.
13. Orange Sherbet – Should sherbet even be considered ice cream? I don’t know but the whole thing makes me kind of leery. Also, look at that spelling. There’s no second R in sherbet. I am not going to eat an ice cream that the whole country mispronounces.
14. Burgundy Cherry – Alcoholism is nothing to joke about. What does this ice cream say to the youth of America? Nothing good, I can assure you.
15. Neapolitan – This ice cream is all about trying to please everybody. Pick a side. Either order chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. Don’t screw around trying to get them all. This is more French crapola.
16. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk – There is no crying in baseball and there are no grains in ice cream! This is just madness.
17. Peppermint Stick – There should be only one mint flavor in ice cream, and that flavor is mint. Peppermint just confuses people.
18. Chocolate Raspberry Truffle – This sounds like a wedding cake idea gone horribly wrong. Raspberry is about the worst berry on the planet. What is with the hard little seeds? Just say no!
19. Pistachio Almond – For some people I guess pistachio just wasn’t good enough. They had to put almonds in. Pistachio has always been just fine without another nut to help it out. Adding almonds says that pistachio cannot stand on its own, and I simply will not let anyone push pistachio around. Not on my watch comrade.
20. White Chocolate Chip – Chocolate chips are supposed to be black. Next thing you know they’ll be expecting me to eat black vanilla and yellow strawberry. How can we raise a nation of men on white chocolate chips?

OK, this miserable, hot, lame-ass summer has dragged on long enough for there to be some official items associated with it, so here they are. And as always, if you think I’m full of shit & you have a better one, tell me to blow it out my ass and post it. Ready? OK!

• Official Kick-Ass song: The Ramones – Rockaway Beach
• Official whiny, pussy, pony-tail man song: Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer (also the shitty cover by blink charlotte fire inside 41)
• Official better Corey Hart song to sing than Sunglasses At Night: Never Surrender
• Official Summer Blockbuster: Pirates 2
• Official drink: Hurricane, on the rocks (it’s BLUE!)
• Offical non-alcoholic drink: The Shirley Temple
• Official sports drink: Gatorade Fierce, Grape
• Official gross thing to step on barefoot: Snail
• Official fruit: The plum/Simon Cowell (tie)
• Official sandwich: Egg salad
• Offical Spider-Man villain: Black Cat
• Offical Japanese Anime: Wolf’s Rain
• Official suck-ass 80’s Christian metal band: Stryper
• Official reason to be pissed-off at your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse: They made you late to Superman Returns, so you missed the Spider-Man 3 trailer, AND you had to sit all the way to one side by that nasty-ass curtain over the wall (who the fuck even knows when the last time they cleaned that fucking thing is)
• Offical pregnant hillbilly white trash gum popper: Britney Spears
• Official Curmudgeon: Andy Rooney
• Official Cool Guy: Still George Clooney
• Official comic: Sarah Silverman (fuck Dane Cook)
• Official head accessory: The visor (preferably turned backwards)
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (with bowtie): Tucker Carlson
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without bowtie): Joe Scarborough
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without flesh on his skull): Alan Colmes
• Official TV network who’s name you can also chant: USA
• Official cool rock chick (straight): Chrissie Hynde
• Official cool rock chick (probably not straight): Joan Jett
• Official gum flavor: Still Hubba Bubba Grape
• Official shoes: Converse hi-tops (preferably black with flames on them)
• Official tree: The larch
• Official reality show: Big Brother All-Stars
• Official ATM button: “Clear”
• Official sunglasses: Terminator wrap-arounds
• Official ice cream flavor: Vanilla, motherfuckers, just PLAIN VANILLA!
• Official greeting: “How’s it hangin’?”
• Official goodbye: “Ni night, buttpies!”

After four months, the folks at mensfacts.com have yet to pony up with any “facts”. They want you to give you their address and vital statistics so they can send you some “facts”. If they really cared about you, wouldn’t they just post the “facts” on their web site? Well, we care about you, so once again we are providing you with some important men’s facts. Be sure to check out our first and second list of facts.

• Married men or more likely to check the labels on food than unmarried men. (AP-Ipsos poll)
• Men are more likely to be satisfied with their homes than women are. (Harris survey)
• Men are more likely to have established rainy day accounts than women. (Bankrate.com)
• Men are nearly twice as likely to cheat on college assignments than female students. (Times Higher Education Supplement)
• Men are more likely to negotiate their salary than women. (Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide)
• Men are more likely to support “right-to-die” laws for terminally ill patients. (Gallup Poll)
• Men are more likely than women to work while on vacation. (CareerBuilder.com survey)
• Men are more likely to live with their parents than women. (Parship.com)
• Men are less likely to admit suffering from stage fright than women because they think they are better at public speaking. (Sheffield Hallam University)
• Men are less likely to get a routine check-up or see a doctor when ill. (Penn State)
• Men are less likely to use sunscreen than women. (NHS Scotland)

Apple has announced its newest revolutionary product, which they have branded the iFork. The iFork is a personalized victuals temporary storage and interface device designed with an easy-to use point and stab interface. You simply point the iFork at any food that you wish to store and then move the 4-tined connector forward in a stabbing motion. The food is uploaded onto the iFork, where it can be stored temporarily. If the first attempt at storage fails, use either the patented double-stab or point-and-scoop interfaces. If that does not work then the food media may be incompatible. Once the food is properly stored on the iFork, you may then insert it into your oral interface for downloading to internal storage devices.

Specifications:

Size: The personal-use iFork ranges in size from 3.5 to 6 inches. Server sizes can be significantly larger.
Shape: The stylish iFork features a gently sloping rounded handheld lift and a four-tined connector.
Materials: The iFork comes in silver, stainless steel or plastic.
Compatibility Issues: The iFork is not compatible with highly liquid or solid media. It is ideally meant to interface with media between ¼ and 3-inches. Be sure that these sizes are compatible with your oral interface.
Warning: The 4-tine connector is only compatible with the oral interface and should be inserted gently. Do not attempt to download materials into other bodily interfaces. The iFork is not intended for long-term victuals storage.

Everybody and their brother’s sister’s aunt knows that I love corporations. I live for them. Heck, I even have one of my own and I’m thinking of getting another real soon. If it weren’t for corporate greed, America would never have gotten into World War I, which caused World War II and gave us the opportunity to rule the world. It was an opportunity we grabbed for all it was worth. Corporations made America great and I won’t listen to any foo-foo commie talk to the contrary just because they control nearly every aspect of our lives. Somebody has to do it.

So, just because all the restaurant chains that are screwing up America are owned by corporations doesn’t mean I am bashing corporations. I am simply identifying attacks on the American way of life, no matter where they come from (because I am nothing if not fair). Besides, any self-respecting capitalist knows that restaurants are a lousy investment, so there is a good chance these particular corporations are owned by left wing nut-nuts anyway. If you are looking for a safe restaurant chain, look no further than Golden Corral people. Every Thursday is BBQ night. You can’t beat that. Texas Roadhouse is OK too, if you can sit in Willie Nelson Corner.

1. Sweet Tomatoes – Let me get this straight. I serve myself. I get my own drinks. I eat soup, bread and salad, then dessert. For this pleasure I pay you about ten bucks. Did I leave anything out? No, I didn’t. You did. You forgot DINNER!
2. Olive Garden – Olives do not grow in gardens, they grow in groves. Your breadsticks are dry and I have to wait for a table even when the place is half-empty. There is something very shifty about your whole operation.
3. 5 & Diner – Oh sure, this restaurant claims to be a throwback to the good old fashioned fifties and has plenty of Americana, but have you seen the menu? French toast? Parisian omelets? French Dip? The Francheeze? I’ll forgive you the French fries, because that’s a battle we’ve already lost, but this slice of Americana has been way too Frenchified for me.
4. Applebee’s – Even I have been taken in by their riblets and lulled by their desserts, but this whole roll up thing has got to stop, and the first place I ever saw it was at Applebee’s so I’m blaming them. It isn’t a roll up, it’s a burrito! Only fruit rolls up, if you wrap something with a tortilla, it is a burrito. We basically own Mexico, so it is OK to call it that. Get with the program Applebee’s.
5. Denny’s – The other day I was in here and saw ten members of the National Guard wait 42 minutes to get their Grand Slams. What if there had been a crisis? These boys would have had to lift their sandbags while dog hungry. What do you have against our soldiers Denny’s?
6. Bennigan’s – These people are always screwing up my soup order. It’s a sign of impending chaos.
7. Chili’s – I can’t get that freakin’ Baby Back song out of my head and it is pissing me off. How many Americans have you infected with that jingle? You are doing serious damage to our psyches.
8. Claim Jumper – Ok, I’ll be fair, nice work on the soft pretzel. It is delicious. It is your Southwest Egg Rolls that are ruining America. This is another case of a restaurant mixing food nationalities and coming up with crap. Give me a burrito or an egg roll. This thing is neither.
9. Hooters – Tight clothes, big tits and greasy food. I get the concept. Normally I’d be praising you, but if you would PLUCK YOUR CHICKENS before you cook them, maybe I wouldn’t have been vomiting feathers on my wedding day.
10. Macaroni Grill – You can’t grill macaroni. That is just gross.
11. On the Border – There is something very Un-American about a Mexican restaurant that does not serve sopapillas. It is just about the best dessert ever and you can’t tell me it is very hard to make because it is basically fried dough with powdered sugar on it. If you have time to make Chocolate Turtle Empanadas you’ve got time for a few sopapillas.
12. Outback Steakhouse – Quit pushing the blooming onion and that weird-assed sauce it comes with. Sure, the first bite or two tastes great, but by the time the meal comes I want to vomit.
13. P.F. Chang’s – Why are so many people paying so much money for mediocre Chinese food? I think they are putting some sort of drug in the Chang sauce. I can’t prove it, but I also can’t prove the NBA playoffs are fixed, I just feel it in my gut.
14. Joe’s Crab Shack – Stop singing. You were singing. Cut it out.
15. IHOP – Why are you hiding your true identity? This place is the International House of Pancakes people. I have no problem with foreigners as long as they are open about it and willing to apologize for not being born here. When they try to hide their identity, however, I get suspicious. Just what are you plotting IHOP?
16. Rainforest Café – It actually started raining while I was eating dinner! That is taking a concept too far. Also, they want us to save the rainforests. America destroyed all of its rainforests by 1958 as part of our plan to win the Cold War, so there is no point in trying to save it now. As for the rest of the world, why should they have rainforests when we don’t? That just seems wrong to me.
17. Red Lobster – Is there an ice shortage at Red Lobster? I only get about three cubes in every drink and they melt before the buttery biscuits even get to the table. I have to ask for a glass of ice every time I go there. Ice is what separates civilization from chaos. If they scrimp on ice, what else are they scrimping on? It isn’t just the scampi, it’s America!
18. TGI Friday’s – When they eliminated the flair, they broke America’s heart. I may never eat a Slider again.
19. Ruby Tuesday – I thought Ruby Tuesday was the greatest chain restaurant in America until they replaced their frosted icy glasses with plastic mugs. I might as well be drinking out of a plastic bottle. You have disappointed me, which means you have disappointed America!
20. Cracker Barrel – I’m not entirely sure this is even a restaurant. This place has a row or rocking chairs out front, because they never let you in. Has anyone ever been inside of a Cracker Barrel? I usually give up after about six hours.