Just Us Nerds

OK, first we’ll start with the news that the Big Six didn’t really want you to hear. United Artists signed an interim agreement with the WGA over the weekend, allowing them to get their people back to work.

How do we know they didn’t want you to hear it? Well, as the news broke someone mysteriously reported the unitedhollywood.com blog as a “spam blog” thus locking the Strike Captains out for most of the day, before they could report it.

And, if you kept an eye on the Big Six’s media outlets like we did, you would have noticed a virtual absence of stories about the UA agreement aside from an occasional sentence sliding by on their crawls. What you would have noticed was a sharp rise in stories about how crazy Tom Cruise is, mostly by way of lots of stuff about a new hatchet-job “biography” that, although it hardly seems to share the gravitas, was strangely covered almost as thoroughly as the build-up to the New Hampshire presidential primaries.

Oh, and in case you missed the connection… Tom Cruise, it just so happens, co-owns United Artists.

Now, we here at The Bullets have, from time to time, noticed that Tom is crazy. OK… so maybe we might have even said something about him being an insane Hollywood fuck-face in a weirdo made-up religion. (heheheh… awkwaaaaaard!) But hey, even we never accused him of spawning a child with frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm.

• and for the record, we love Tom. In fact, we still cry when Maverick hugs Iceman at the end of Top Gun.

Crazy or not, the facts here remain clear. Crystal. Tom and his company United Artists negotiated in good faith, and a fair deal that was mutually beneficial to all parties was worked out, very much like Worlwide Pants did… something, strangely enough, that the Big Six very loudly proclaims isn’t possible.

That’s odd… Dave & Tom had no trouble. And the buzz is that Lion’s Gate Films is thinkin’ about negotiating a similar deal as well. Check back here for further updates.

And now, a brief word about the upcoming awards season.

The Golden Globes are kaput. Sure the awards will be given out, but they will be done so at a press conference that none of the stars will attend in their fancy get-ups, so who gives a fuck. Now, we at The Bullets enjoy drunken celebrites self-congratulatorily masturbating all over themselves as much as anyone. Hell, if it’s Scarlett Johansen masturbating all over Jessica Alba, probably more than anyone. But here’s the thing. As long as this strike is required, that little shindig had to be shut down.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the only way the Big Six will return to the negotiating table and finally begin bargaining in good faith with that Writer’s Guild is if they are forced to do so by their shareholders. Ya know what reeeeeeally motivates shareholders? Losing money. It’s simple economics, kids: cancelling awards shows will cost the congloms and their shareholders money. The cost to GE/NBC/Universal alone will be massive.

The Golden Globes. What a crock of shit anyway. They’re given out by the Hollywood Foreign Press. We don’t know who they are! Hell, Americans don’t even like the foreign press. But ever since Titanic, a film so bloated and overwrought that it took two of The Big Six to produce it, The Globes have somehow been elevated to the same gala status as the Oscars. And why?

“Hmmmm… I wasn’t going to go see Sweeney Todd, as I have several very valid reasons why I probably won’t like it, such as the fact that I don’t care for musicals, or the fact that every time I see Helena Bonham Carter I really feel like I should go buy her a box of RID… but what’s this???? Why, it says here in the newspaper advertisment that Sweeney Todd was nominated for a whole assload of GOLDEN GLOBES! I am instantly forced to reconsider my decision!”

And the sad thing is, we’re so stupid, that we buy it. Ask the congloms… a Globe or two is worth millions of dollars in extra income for a film.

The Big Six would have you believe that the Globes going bye-bye is just the WGA pissing in everyone’s Post Toasties. In fact, NBC’s Ben Silverman has even said that it’s like “the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in the high school are trying to cancel the prom.”

Now this is an ironic statement at best, seeing that somehow we doubt many of these moguls were captains of their football teams with cheerleaders on their arms… but that aside, DON’T BUY THIS LOAD OF CRAP. The Globes telecast has been cancelled because the members of the Screen Actor’s Guild and the Director’s Guild of America, along with other industry unions, have refused to cross the Writer’s Guild of America’s picket lines. This a show of solidarity by the other unions with their brothers & sisters in the WGA. Because they all know that, with their own contracts with the Big Six up later this year, if the WGA fails they will most likely all fail. And everyone involved, from the actors all the way down to the guys who roll up cable, deserves fair payment for contributing to the content the Big Six are making billions of advertising dollars from by distributing it on the internet.

This isn’t about a bunch of nerds getting back at the jocks. This is about fairness. This is about massive corporations, run by people who are so rich that they are losing their grip on what the very concept of money is, wanting even more money.

G’head… ask a few of them who’s on the 5 dollar bill and count the seconds before they remember.

They only know that they want more of it. They want more of it so much that they won’t even sit down and talk about what might or might not be fair. It’s all for them, nothing for anyone else.

My way, or the highway.

Fuck, or walk.

And we’re sorry, but that’s just not how it’s done.

So, because the Big Bullies are unwilling to come back to the table, and begin negotiations in good faith, the Golden Globe Award telecast is gone. And as far as The Bullets are concerned, good fucking riddance. Pay everyone fairly, and we can all get back to watching a liquored-up Jack Nicholson pretend that he even recognizes whomever happens to be kissing his ass next year.

And we’ve got some more uncomfortable news for the Big Six… if they don’t pull their heads out of their collective asses soon… The Oscars just might be next.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

And for all you procedural crime drama fans out there… here’s a lil something just for you:

somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…

It’s two A.M.

It’s two A.M. the fear has gone
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances
Yeah there’s a storm on the loose, sirens in my head
I’m wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead
I cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy

Help I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse, feels like being cloned
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go, now that I’ve gone too far

Soon you will come to know…
When The Bullets hit the bone

The Bullets are pleased to announce the winner of last week’s T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always, there were tons of entries to choose from, and they were all great… but there can be only one. And this was really a no-brainer.

That’s right, it’s none other than Gandalf The Grey himself,
Sir Ian McKellan!

Aw, look at him crossing his fingers for luck. Not needed, pal! Who were we gonna give it to, Daniel Radcliffe? Well, he did send us an entry, but he wasn’t wearing any pants in the photo, and we’re pretty sure that’s still kiddie porn. So congratulations, Sir Ian! And don’t forget to check your paypal acct. for the big $10.00 prize!

As for you runners-up… watch for the next Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest starting up in the next edition!

• Dessicated news-corpse Dan Rather is suing CBS & it’s parent company Viacom for 70 million dollars, alleging breech of contract during the “Rathergate” scandal that occured near the end of the 2004 campaign. A press release we recieved late Friday said, “They better fork over the gold semolians, or boy will they be sorry… I’m hotter than Aunt Sally’s potato salad left in the trunk at the 4th Of July picnic in Death Valley.”
• Denise Richards’s restraining order against Charlie Sheen has expired, so she’s filed for an order of protection to keep him away from the couple’s 2 daughters. The Bullets attempted to reach Richards for comment, but we were told she was busy blowing the lead singer from Warrant while David Spade & Heather Locklear watched while jacking each other off.
• Speaking of Charlie Sheen, the star of Two & A Half Men was once again denied the best actor in a comedy award in Sunday night’s Emmy ceremony. In a related story, future Emmy ballots will just feature pictures of the nominated actors with little boxes to check next to them, under the sentence “Who’s funnyer?” written in crayon with the “s” backwards.
• America’s male sweetheart Tom Hanks is producing a 10-part mini-series based on Vincent Bugliosi’s book Reclaiming History. The book essentially debunks all the famous JFK assasination conspiracy theories, agreeing with the Warren Commision’s conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. We called up our old pal, JFK director Oliver Stone to tell him the news, and he said, “What? Fools! Ignorant, blind fools! Can’t they see that the longer we fight the truth, the more we suffer as a nation, and the easier it is to… waitaminnit, who’s doing it? Hanks? Aw… I love that guy!”
• Following Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt, Matthew McConaughey has taken over Wilson’s role in the upcoming Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder. When informed, Stiller, who hadn’t noticed yet, told The Bullets, “Ya know, I thought Owen was taking his shirt off way too much.”
• Country star and fake patriotic fuck-face Lee Greenwood canceled a recent concert held to honor veterans, police, and firefighters. Sources told The Bullets that Greenwood, who sings the anthem “God Bless The U.S.A.” refused to appear after organizers failed to come up with his $20,000 fee. We reached Greenwood’s manager for comment, and he told us, “Well, it’s just like the lyrics say… ‘I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free/And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me/Unless you don’t cough up my 20 grand’.”
• Diminutive pop superstar and long-time Bullets favorite Prince surprised the attendees of designer Matthew Williamson’s catwalk show for his new line by staging an impromptu concert at the event in London on Wednesday. After the show, His Royal Badness took off his pants, drew a smiley face on his ass, jumped on a camel, poured a bottle of Mr. Bubble over his head, and rode off while speaking in what witnesses described as “tongues.”
• Tuesday night’s Big Brother 8 finale on CBS was beaten in the ratings by NBC’s finale of The Biggest Loser. A Spokesperson for CBS told The Bullets, “Fine… we’ll just put more fat people in the house next year.”
• And finally, Dr. Joyce Brothers turns 78 today. The Bullets would like to take this opportunity to wish Dr. Brothers a very happy brithday, and to thank her for all the years of pantsuits, scarves, and dubious advice. Unless she’s dead, in which case we’ll update this later… Our research dept. is looking into it.

The Emmy show wasn’t without it’s high points. Here’s one… Stewie & Brian’s spectacular opening musical number:

And one more quick note: If you haven’t been watching Warner Bros. The Batman cartoon recently, you’ve missed Robin, Batgirl, Martian Manhuner teaming up with Bats to save the Earth from an alien invasion…

And oh yeah… you missed THIS:

Set your tivos… the new Season starts up Saturday Sept. 22nd!

Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Until next time, keep your powder dry. Whatever powder that may be.

As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:

Official Beverage: Smart Water (What? You’re still drinking the dumb water?)

Official Car: The Honda Fit

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Bush Appointee: Alberto Gonzalez

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Looney Tunes Character: Speedy Gonzalez

Official Nostalgic Year:1989

Official Hilarious Late Night Comedy Bit No One Is Watching: Craig Ferguson’s “The Rather Late Programme With Prince Charles” Bit. Seriously, It’s fucking hilarious.

Official Beer: Heineken In The Groovy Lil Keg

Official Hot Dog Topping: Bright Green Relish

Official Song / Warning Sign: Rehab

Official Joan Jett & The Blackhearts Song: This Means War!

Official Event It’s More Fun To Miss Than To Attend: Burning Man

Official Reality Show: Our Neighbors

Official Old TV Show We really Wanna Watch That No One Is Airing Right Now, Dammit: ALF

Official Cut Of Beef: Ribeye

Official Blockbuster: Transformers

Official Pez Dispenser: Garfield

Official Dead President: Garfield

Official City In New Jersey: Garfield

Official Crap Motel: Extended Stay

Official Director: Judd Aptow

Official Cliffhanger That’s Been Driving Us Crazy All Summer: Battlestar Galactica

Official T-Shirt: This one

Official Breakfast Pastry: Cheese Danish

Official Salad Dressing: Roquefort

Official Lame Duck: G.W. Bush

Official Peiking Duck: Dragon Garden

Official Classic SNL Line: “The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine.”

Official Insult: I’m a big fan of your early work.

Official Joke: Q -What do you call the creatures growing in the garbage strewn all over the floor at Britney Spears’ house? A -Her children!

Official Celebrity Fued: Michael Vick vs. Dogs

Official Celebrity Hook-Up: Jessica Beil & Justin Timberlake

Official Celebrity Break Up: Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson

Official Celebrity Fuck-Up: Cuba Gooding Jr. In Daddy Day Camp

Official Still Not a Slut Starlet: Hillary Duff!

Official JUN Post That’s Gone On Too Long: THIS ONE!!!

Hope you all had great summers!

*post by both Steve & J.C.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

• The mystery of the whereabouts of “Rehab” singer & all-around drunken mess Amy Winehouse was cleared up this week. Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil says that the two have sought help at a “retreat” and that Amy is doing fine, and is “determined to get well.” The Bullets tried to reach the ‘retreat’ for comment, but during the conversation, Amy bashed the admitting nurse over the head with a
  coffee table she dragged out of the group therapy room, then ripped the phone out of the wall.
• It was announced Thursday that former Girls Gone Wild star and Bush daughter Jenna is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, political hack Henry Hager. The Bullets has learned from a source close to the president that The White House is already busy with wedding preparations, including renting 500 tuxes for the secret service, wire-tapping prospective guests to get a head start on the thank you cards, and sending U.S. military forces into Macy’s for a china pattern that they don’t carry.
• Paris Hilton caused a mob scene as she launched her new clothing line at the Kitson Boutique in L.A. Friday, in an event benefitting the L.A. Children’s Hospital. Paris said she’s been “really blessed by God” and she just wanted to give something back. Ya know Paris, the charity thing was nice… but we’re not sure that snowballing Adrian Grenier is the kind of giving something back that the big guy has in mind.
• Two men died at the New Jersey stop of this year’s Ozzfest on Thursday. A spokesperson for Ozzfest organizers told The Bullets, “Wow. We knew Static X sucked, but we didn’t think it would actually kill anybody.”
• Prison Break star Dominic Purcell is claiming that the upcoming third season of the hit Fox drama will be “the best season thus far.” The actor, who has also starred in Blade: Trinity & Mission Impossible II told TV Guide that everyone should really enjoy the new episodes, except for the kid Lane Garrison killed in that car accident.
• In other TV news, Nichelle “Uhuru” Nichols will join her Star Trek crewmate George “Sulu” Takei in the upcoming season of Heroes. Series creator Tim Kring has also told TV Guide that since the ashes of James “Scotty” Doohan never actually made it into space, he would like them to play the contents of an ashtray in a future episode, just as soon as they finish sweeping all of him up.
• Country singer Travis Tritt has a new album, The Storm, that critics are calling soulful, rocking, and even funky. When The Bullets reached it for comment, a mostly disinterested America said, “That guy still makes albums?”
• Speaking of new albums, The Eagles’ Long Road Out Of Eden will be retailing at Wal Mart for just $11.88, even though it’s a double CD loaded with 20 tracks. When asked why the low price, A Wal Mart representative told The Bullets, “That’s nothing. When the next Rolling Stones album comes out, we’re actually gonna pay you to take it.”
• Hottie-Boom-A-Lottie & former No Doubt front woman Gwen Stefani will extoll the joys of motherhood in a cover story in next month’s issue of InStyle magazine. Gwen even takes her 1 year old son Kingston with her on tour. We don’t really have a story here, The Bullets just wanted to give little Kingston his props… we’ve been wanting to pass through Gwen’s vagina since Tragic Kingdom.

Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Don’t take any wooden nickels… and we really shouldn’t hafta tell you that.

Ziggy really sang
Screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo
Like some cat from Japan…
He could lick ‘em by smiling
He could leave ‘em to hang
Came on so loaded man…
Well hung and snow white tan

So where were The Bullets
While the fly tried to break our balls
Just a beer light to guide us
So we bitched about his fans
And should we crush his sweet hands?

• “Look how goth I am!” director & world’s oldest emo kid Tim Burton will be directing the film version of the broadway hit Sweeny Todd. The film will of course star Johnny Depp. When The Bullets reached Burton for comment, he said that he was “excited to see how I can turn some more totally new source material into the same crap movie I’ve been making over & over for the last 15 years.” He then excused himself, presumably to go make Depp look like Michael Jackson again.
• Fake magician & Cpt. Hairdo David Copperfield claims he has found the fountain of youth. Copperfield, who has made both the Statue Of Liberty & Claudia Schiffer disappear, plans to turn the location into a resort. When The Bullets reached a spokesman for comment, he said, “Yeah… anymore we just kinda nod & smile when he says shit like that.”
• Justin Timberlake decided to take a pot shot at American idol winner Taylor Hicks this week, saying that the leader of the Soul Patrol “couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.” The Bullets has recieved confirmation that Timberlake is now officially under investigation by the Bureau Of Dead Metaphors. As for Hicks, when we reached him for comment on the situation, he expressed confusion as to how anyone might be able to put music in a bucket, corrected himself after thinking that maybe someone could put a radio in there, earnestly thanked us for being a part of his amazing success, then yelled “WHOOOO WEEEEE!.
• In Music news, Billy Corwin’s re-formed Smashing Pumpkins are in the studio recording their new album. In recent years Corwin has released music with the band Zwan & as a solo act. The Bullets has discovered that the new album is tentitively entitled “Hey you guys… c’mon… hey, listen to me… LISTEN TO MEEEEE!!!!!”
• Execs at the new CW Network have announced that a writer’s strike would in no way hamper the production of it’s upcoming season of America’s Next Top Model, primarily because no one associated with show knows how to read.
• Moon-faced over-actress & weirdo baby-namer Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been taking a break from acting for the past two years while she had her 2 babies, has announced that she’s ready to get back to work. Oh well… it was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
• And finally, in nerd birthday news, H.P. Lovecraft turns 115 today. Hail, Cthulhu!

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. KILL YOUR TV!

“It’s got a cop motor. A 440 cubic inch plant. It’s got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It’s a model made before catalytic converters so it’ll run good on regular gas. What do you say… is it the new The Bullets-mobile or what?”

“Fix the cigarette lighter.”

Guess what, kids! Yep, it’s that time again… we are pleased to announce our latest The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contsest! First, take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt (which rules). Then email it to The Bullets at

thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com.

As always, the best submission will be chosen by The Bullets staff, and will recieve TEN DOLLARS! So why are you just sitting there? Click, BABY!

• Dustin Diamond, the artist formerly known as Screech, was reportedly the victim of an attempted mugging outside his hotel in Omaha, NE. Diamond, who was in town performing at a local comedy club, told E! a rather convoluted tale of how a fan het met at the club tried to rob him of his take from the gig, and take his PSP. According to Omaha police, no charges have been filed. When The Bullets reached Diamond’s management for comment, they said, “Um, yeah… that probably didn’t happen… Hey, at least it wasn’t ‘aliens’ this time.”



• In an utterly shocking turn of events, former Baywatch star and current silicone dumping ground Carmen Elektra is filing for divorce from her husband, pierced-nipple-man & professional goatee-hanger Dave Navarro. The court documents cite “Irreconcilable differences.” The Bullets looked up the term in the most recent edition of the Webster’s New World Law Dictionary, and were surprised to find it defined as “Yeah, he’s been fucking Jenna Jameson.”



• CBS has announced that British actress and one-time Askewniverse denizen Claire Forlani will be joining the cast of CSI:NY for it’s upcoming 3rd season. This brings the total number of chicks The Bullets wouldn’t mind nailing on CSI shows up to 7, which is an all-time high, and also ties with the total number of chicks The Bullets wouldn’t mind nailing on Law & Order shows.



• The Bullets 5th favorite Friend Courtney Cox Arquette recently told Life magazine that she and husband David Arquette recently went through some marital problems, and worked them out in couple’s therapy. The Bullets happened to catch a showing of Airheads on cable last night, and we must say that we’re surprised she hasn’t bashed him in the face with Lisa Kudrow’s Emmy.



• Last Comic Standing has crowned it’s newest winner, comedy club veteran Josh Blue. Blue, who has cerebral palsy, beat out Ty Barnett for the honor in the show’s 4th season finale Wednesday night. However, in a Bullets exclusive, we have asked that the results be questioned, after our extensive investigation uncovered that roughly 85% of all votes cast for Blue were in fact called in by Geri, Blair’s cousin from Facts Of Life.





• According to our pals over at TMZ.com, actor John Gries, best known as Napolean Dynamite’s Uncle Rico, was arrested on Aug. 3rd after an alleged road-rage incident. The Bullets reached Gries’ management for comment, and a spokesman said, “Well, in John’s defense, the guy did hit his van with a grapefruit. John really gets sick of that.”



• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, talk show legend Mike Douglas turned 81 today. Um… then he died. We at The Bullets would like to say we have fond memories of watching you after school while we were growing up, back when an afternoon talk show didn’t have to contain transvestite Nazi hookers, or paternity test results. Hell, you introduced us to Frank Zappa. And you were a heck of a singer, too. We’ll miss you Mike.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. And remember… if you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter!

Circle of Destruction, hammer comes crushing
Powerhouse of energy
Whipping up a fury, dominating flurry
We create the Battery

Smashing through the boundaries, lunacy has found me
cannot stop the Battery
Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession
cannot kill the Battery

Cannot kill The Bullets
Battery is found in me

Battery!
__________________________________________________
Hey Kids! The Bullets have moved into their cozy new digs here on Friday night. What? Up and move an entire pop culture phenomenon without even a warning? Yeah, that’s just how we roll. We’re rebels and we’re never ever gonna be any good.

The Bullets would like to announce the winner of our latest T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always we had lots of terrific entries, and judging was tight. But when the smoke cleared, there could really only be one winner:

That’s right, it’s legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti, taking time during his busy farewell concert tour to give us a shout-out. Hey… if the man says he wants more cowbell, give the man more cowbell! Thanks again Luciano… and don’t forget to check your paypal account for the big $10.00 prize!

Stay tuned for more Bullets contests, right here!

• According to Variety, Bruce Willis & 20th Century Fox are back in the dead-horse beating business, and they plan to do a fourth installment in the only-the-first-one-was-any-good “Die Hard” franchise. Die Hard: Fuck, I Think I Broke My Hip is scheduled for a June 2007 release.



• Doug Feiger, lead singer for The Knack, underwent successful brain surgery yesterday. The 51 year old had two tumors removed, and is expected to make a full recovery. Details are sketchy, but apparently one of the tumors was the actual riff to “My Sharona”… so if that thing’s still in your head, you might want to see your doctor.



• Former SNL star & tiny little Elvis Rob Schneider slammed drunken menace Mel Gibson in an open letter he had published in Variety. Schneider vowed to never again work with Gibson, due to now-infamous anti-semitic comments Gibson made at the scene of his DUI arrest. A stunned hollywood replied, “Really? The Deuce Bigalow guy? He’s still around?”



• Speaking of Mel Gibson, some of his Hollywood pals are defending him, including his Maverick co-star Jodie Foster. Foster says she believes Gibson is “absolutely not” an anti-semite. When The Bullets reached Gibson for comment, he grunted “Fuck that fucking dyke”, took a swing at us, fell down, and puked in the gutter.



• Worthless waste of space Paris Hilton recently sat down with British GQ for an interview, during which she asked who Tony Blair was, then said that she wasn’t having sex for a year. “I’ll kiss,” she went on to say, “but nothing else.” Shortly after the interview, The Bullets was able to reach Paris for some carification, and she said, “And blowjobs. Oh, and people can still cum on me. But just in my face, not on my tits.”



• And it’s official. After 8 months of playing it coy, Jenny McCarthy has finally told People magazine that she & Jim Carrey are indeed dating. The Bullets sat down with the happy couple after the big announcement, and they said that they have no plans to wed, they’re just enjoying their status as Most Obnoxious Celebrity Couple. Then they started making stupid faces at each other, and annoying sounds, and making their assholes talk to each other, and eventually we just had to leave the room.



• And also in celebrity couple news, former Most Obnoxious Couple Peter Saarsgard & Maggie Gyllenhaal were snapped by photogs recently, and Maggie’s very pregnant. The Bullets would like to congratulate the pair on the upcoming birth of the smirk-iest baby in Hollywood.



• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, Percy Bysshe Shelley turns 214 today. Sure, he wound up being best known as the husband of the chick who wrote Frankenstein. Sure, he was really just kinda the Robin to Lord Byron’s Batman. But he wrote some kick ass poetry nonetheless. Check it:

‘Men of England, heirs of Glory,
Heroes of unwritten story,
Nurslings of one mighty Mother,
Hopes of her, and one another;

‘What is Freedom? – ye can tell
That which slavery is, too well -
For its very name has grown
To an echo of your own.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley-
from The Mask Of Anarchy

Well, those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to hoist a glass in honor of another Nerd Birthday… one of our own, Andy. Happy Birthday, dude.

As you may or may not know, David Hasselhoff is experiencing a resurgence in his career. Aside from his international acclaim, there’s the Adam Sandler flick, as well as his gig as judge on America’s Got Talent, where it was revealed that he hates jugglers just as much as I DO. If we at we at Just Us Nerds have had anything to do with this massive resurgence in The Hoff’s popularity, well, then we humbly accept your thanks. If you don’t like the Hoff… well… then you’re an ass-face with no sense of humor who has apparently forgotten that you used to watch Knight Rider every fucking SUNDAY, don’t even try to tell us that you didn’t… EVERYONE DID!!!!!!!

OK, I fell better now.

And you will too, after this good, stiff shot of The Hoff.

Jump In My Car: The Hoff beckons us…

The Hoff & Regine Velasquez move us to tears…

Secret Agent Man: Proof that The Hoff shoulda been the new James Bond: Like he’s any more lame than that new fuckstick they picked…

The Hoff live: Du. Seriously… ’nuff said.

Crazy For You: I thought this might be a Madonna cover… and I was disappointed that it wasn’t… for about 20 seconds until I realized that THE HOFF kicks Madonna’s FAT FUCKING FAKE BRITISH ACCENT ASS!!!!!

Rhinestone Cowboy: Fuck Glenn Campbell. Fuck Robert Redford. Fuck Jane Fonda. Here’s The Hoff live on German TV. Seriously, if you think the original is better than this, you need your dumb ass kicked. Hardcore.

Blue Bayou: I’m sorry… your name is Linda WHO????

The Wings Of Tenderness: Oh, holy fucking Christ, somebody get me a FUCKING TISSUE!!!!

Je T’Aime Means I Love You: Hey, according to The Hoff, “Je T’Aime” is “I love you” in French. Maybe France isn’t as bad for America as we’ve been lead to believe…

OK, this miserable, hot, lame-ass summer has dragged on long enough for there to be some official items associated with it, so here they are. And as always, if you think I’m full of shit & you have a better one, tell me to blow it out my ass and post it. Ready? OK!

• Official Kick-Ass song: The Ramones – Rockaway Beach
• Official whiny, pussy, pony-tail man song: Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer (also the shitty cover by blink charlotte fire inside 41)
• Official better Corey Hart song to sing than Sunglasses At Night: Never Surrender
• Official Summer Blockbuster: Pirates 2
• Official drink: Hurricane, on the rocks (it’s BLUE!)
• Offical non-alcoholic drink: The Shirley Temple
• Official sports drink: Gatorade Fierce, Grape
• Official gross thing to step on barefoot: Snail
• Official fruit: The plum/Simon Cowell (tie)
• Official sandwich: Egg salad
• Offical Spider-Man villain: Black Cat
• Offical Japanese Anime: Wolf’s Rain
• Official suck-ass 80’s Christian metal band: Stryper
• Official reason to be pissed-off at your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse: They made you late to Superman Returns, so you missed the Spider-Man 3 trailer, AND you had to sit all the way to one side by that nasty-ass curtain over the wall (who the fuck even knows when the last time they cleaned that fucking thing is)
• Offical pregnant hillbilly white trash gum popper: Britney Spears
• Official Curmudgeon: Andy Rooney
• Official Cool Guy: Still George Clooney
• Official comic: Sarah Silverman (fuck Dane Cook)
• Official head accessory: The visor (preferably turned backwards)
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (with bowtie): Tucker Carlson
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without bowtie): Joe Scarborough
• Official ubiquitous jerk-off political talking head (without flesh on his skull): Alan Colmes
• Official TV network who’s name you can also chant: USA
• Official cool rock chick (straight): Chrissie Hynde
• Official cool rock chick (probably not straight): Joan Jett
• Official gum flavor: Still Hubba Bubba Grape
• Official shoes: Converse hi-tops (preferably black with flames on them)
• Official tree: The larch
• Official reality show: Big Brother All-Stars
• Official ATM button: “Clear”
• Official sunglasses: Terminator wrap-arounds
• Official ice cream flavor: Vanilla, motherfuckers, just PLAIN VANILLA!
• Official greeting: “How’s it hangin’?”
• Official goodbye: “Ni night, buttpies!”

Boy, retro is really where it’s at these days. And it’s not just bell bottoms, or leg warmers, or the threatened Dallas movie. The hot new trend? Retro diseases, baby! The mumps are back, strutting their stuff in Des Moines IA, and threatening to spread thoughout the red states. Not retro enough for ya? Well, a lady in L.A., always on the cutting edge of what’s hot & what’s not, has recently come down with a case of BUBONIC PLAGUE! That’s old school, y’all.

Here’s a list of other old-timey afflictions that have recently changed representation, or hired new publicists. If you think you have any of them, just look them up on webMD. Then you’ll be SURE that you have them.

• adenoids
• Bilious Fever
• Black Pox
• Camp Fever (hello, muddah…)
• Canine Madness (yikes!)
• Consumption
• Decrepitude
• Dropsy
• Elephantiasis (not to be confused with Elephantitis)
• Falling Sickness (maybe lil Sean Preston has this)
• The Fits
• The Grippe
• Lockjaw (now THATS a badass disease. “LOCKJAW, motherfucker!)
• Lumbego
• Nervous Exhastion
• Polio Potter’s Asthma (just as fun as it sounds!)
• Rickets
• Sanguineous Crust (yummy!)
• Scrivener’s Palsy
• Scrumpox (geseundheit)
• Scurvy
• Summer Complaint (not long lines at the multiplex, either)
• The Vapors (not to be confused with the 80’s new wave band)
• Whooping Cough (simple. elegant. classic.)
• Womb Fever (yeah, but don’t we all have this a lil?)

And, as always, if you doctor asks you to stick out you tongue and say “Ahhh” and there’s a tiny coat on it, that’s not your real doctor… that’s Bugs Bunny in a white coat with one of those mirror-things on his head.

Dear Phoebe,

Enough is enough. You have done only one movie since 1994. One movie doesn’t cut it.
As one of your ticket-buying friends, I would like to see you a little more often. Every few months I check IMDB in the vain hope that I will see a new movie listed, but no, nothing.

I figured you stopped acting because you wanted to spend more time with your kids, but let’s face it; they’re getting more work than you these days. They both appeared last year in The Squid and the Whale. Kevin is still out there working too, so why not you?

If that weren’t bad enough, now I find out you are spending your days running a fashion boutique in New York. Obviously working is still a part of your life, so why not do a movie? I don’t care if it is a silly Princess Caraboo farce or an indie drama like The Anniversary Party — whatever you want. I’ll watch, and I guarantee a lot of my friends will go too. You don’t have to move to Hollywood or get too deep in the business, but one film every three or four years wouldn’t kill you would it?

Please come back. Your friends miss you.

Technorati Tags: Phoebe Cates Celebrity Movies

I am far from an expert on fashion. My fashion statement is a pair of khaki shorts, an oversized (which is hard at my size) t-shirt and a short sleeved button up shirt worn unbuttoned and untucked. Most of my fashion knowledge comes from Clinton and Stacy on What Not To Wear, and I’m sure they would have a field day with me. That said, the judges on Project Runway got it wrong. I don’t care how big a pain in the ass Santino is. I don’t care if they only kept him on this long because he was “good TV”. He kicked ass at Fashion Week and he should have won. No offense to Cloe and Daniel, but they didn’t put out the best designs. I will give the judges their point about fit. Cloe’s stuff fit better. My sole criteria in judging each designer’s final 13 outfits went strictly on how many outfits I hated. The grand total was Cloe 5, Daniel 5 and Santino 2. Santino may not have been as bold as they wanted, but his stuff looked damned good. I mean, how bad is it that Cloe’s line fit the models almost perfectly and was still ugly! Good luck Santino. With your mad eye for fashion, I doubt you’ll need it. Now go insult someone and have a good time doing it.

My dog had to wear a neckpiece just like this once.