That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

The Bullets are currently on a brief hiatus, as we regroup, and attempt to find something in the world of pop culture & celebrity news that is less ridiculous than the shit we make up. Case in point? Britney Spears’ mom is writing a book on parenting. Our guess is that the working title is Don’t Let Them Lowball Ya: A Parent’s Guide To Selling Your Children To Disney.

In the meantime, we thought we’d pop in to wish you all a very Happy Halloween. After all, It is our favorite holiday… and one of our traditions on this night is to take a moment from dressing like sluts & monsters & people we wish we could be to remember one of the original badasses. Please join us.

Before he became a legend, Orson Welles, actor, producer, teacher, writer, director, and all-around wiseguy, was in charge of what might have been the greatest confligration of writing & acting talent ever to grace the airwaves, radio or otherwise: The Mercury Theater.

On October 31, 1938, Mr. Welles & his troupe performed an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ classic The War Of The Worlds. But our Orson decided to dress up the first 45 minutes or so by making it sound like it was actually happening.

After the dust settled he appologized, and later said that he didn’t know what the repercussions would be… but we nerds know better. He knew exactly what he was doing. The resulting panic, although it has been exaggerated with the passing of time, remains legendary.

Just think of it as the single greatest Halloween prank EVER.

And now, in the spirit of the holiday, we at The Bullets give you the broadcast of The Mercury Theater’s production of The War Of The Worlds, as it was originally aired.

Please to enjoy:

Should for any reason you not be able to hear the flash player, the broacast is hot-linked here.

And should you think for even a moment that we jest about the greatness of The Mercury… it’s collected works can be heard here.

I like it when I strut.
Delta Burke

He had no failings which were not owing to a noble cause; to an ardent, generous, perhaps an immoderate passion for fame; a passion which is the instinct of all great souls.
Edmund Burke

I still have my days when I wake up and look at myself and think, You’re such a dog.
Delta Burke

I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
Edmund Burke

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
Delta Burke

Beauty is the promise of happiness.
Edmund Burke

Yes, I really do love tiaras.
Delta Burke

Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.
Edmund Burke

I don’t like deliberate cruelty in stand-up comics, and I was the brunt of a lot of it.
Delta Burke

He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper.
Edmund Burke

I’ll do humor about myself, I’ll poke fun and everything, but that’s me and I can do it to me. I think it’s cruel to do it to somebody else.
Delta Burke

• A bronze representation of what little Suri Cruise’s shit might look like will be on display at Capla Kesting Fine Art, in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district. The piece is called “Bronzed Baby Poop” and will be auctioned on eBay, with proceeds going to the March Of Dimes. Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise will bronze little Suri herself, and sell her on eBay with all proceeds going to the March Of Insane Hollywood Fuck-faces In Werido Made-up Religions.
• Speaking of Tom Cruise, Brooke Sheilds says that he appologized to her for his psycho rant about her taking anti-depressants. No word yet on when we get an appology for Days Of Thunder.
• In music news, this year’s Farm Aid benefit concert will feature polka superstar Jimmy Sturr and his orchestra. The band was booked as a part of the Farm Aid organization’s concerted efforts to find artists even less relevant than John Melencamp and Dave Matthews.
• Erstwhile West Wing president Martin Sheen has enrolled at National University Galway, in Ireland. The actor is pursuing a bachelor of arts degree, and will study English literature and oceanography. Classes started yesterday, and by last night Charlie Sheen had already thrown an empty keg of Guiness through the elder Sheen’s dorm room window and jumped out wearing a toga & a bra on his head.
• According to her publicist, Ashley Simpson started rehersals this week to play Roxie Hart in the upcoming London production of Chicago. The Bullets reached our pal, Chicago veteran Bebe Neuwirth, for comment, and we made her blow her Diet Pepsi out of her nose.
• And Ashley’s dimwitted big sister Jessica Simpson has been ordered not to sing by her doctor, due to a bruised vocal cord. The Bullets is trying to find out her doctor’s name, so that we can petition congress to make September 2nd a national holiday in his honor.
• After actor & Angelina Jolie’s dad Jon Voight wished his grandson Maddox a happy birthday from the 4th annual BAFTA tea party, he said hello to his granddaughter Zahara, but called her “Shakira.” He then went on to send well wishes to Angelina’s boyfriend “B. Pitty” and the couple’s new baby, “Shaka Zulu.”
• INSERT YOUR OWN KYRA PHILLIPS BATHROOM JOKE HERE.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of the original goth chicks, Yvonne De Carlo, turned 84 yesterday. Happy Birthday, Lilly! Oh, and Edgar Rice Burroughs would have turned 131, but he’s dead. Hey, that’s pretty goth, too.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. Time for us to exit, Terminator X-it!

All right foo’s, listen up! Me bein’ a big Hollywood star and Comcast spokesman and everything I need to stay on top of all the this’s and the that’s about Hollywood and pop culture… but have you eva tried lookin’ stuff like that up on the internet box? I ain’t got time for all that jibba jabba! That’s why I start the day with a ten mile run, a big glass of orange juice with extra vitamin C, and JUSTUSNERDS.COM. They tell me all the stuff I gotsta know about all the stuff I gotsta know about. And they make me laugh. And they even gots a horoscope so’s I know what’s gonna happen every week. And it’s never wrong! So don’t be a foo’! Treat your Momma right! Say your milk! Eat your prayers! Drink your vitamins! And read justusnerds.com!

• So we were watching E! the other day (I know, I know… but we do it for you) and we saw a promo for E! News Daily in which Giuliana DePandi called herself GiuliANDA DePandi. We tried to reach her, to discuss just exactly how stupid one would have to be to mispronounce one’s own name, but when the phone rang she went to answer the door.
• Former child star and current violent, drunken ass-face Danny Bonaduce will appear in the first half of CSI’s two-part season premiere, airing Sept. 21st. The CSI gang finds Bonaduce’s partially decomposed carreer in a dumpster behind the Game Show Network, and sets out to find the killer.
• Critically acclaimed actor William Macy berated America’s bad girl/skin sweetheart Lindsay Lohan this week for her habit of showing up late for movie shoots. Macy went on to say “A lot of actors show up late as if they’re God’s gift to the film. It’s inexcusable.” Then he then complained about how complicated medicare’s new prescription drug programs were, yelled “Consarnit!” then fell and broke his hip.
• CBS’s reality show Survivor responed to criticism that the show isn’t racially diverse enough by racially segregating this season’s contestants. When The Bullets tried to reach Mark Burnett Productions for comment, we were refered to the company’s new Director of Human Resources, Mel Gibson.
• According to his publisher, Norman Mailer’s first new novel in ten years, The Castle In The Forest, will be released in January. A synopsis wasn’t available at Bullets press time, as the synopsis is over 1,000 pages, and no one here has finished reading it yet.
• Legendary crap producer & composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has a new target for his next musical, the classic Russian novel The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. The author, who died in 1940, was too busy spinning in his grave to comment.
• In other literary news, Britney Spear’s tell-all book Stages is now only sold in .99 cent stores. There will presumably be some sort of discount when you purchace the book with a bag of Fritos & some Tang.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of our heroes, Elvis Costello, turned 53 yesterday. Now go listen to my Aim Is True.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to watch House re-runs & wish we had to walk with a cane, because that fuckin’ guy makes it look COOL AS HELL.

So where were The Bullets
While the fly tried to break our balls
Just a beer light to guide us
So we bitched about his fans
And should we crush his sweet hands?

• “Look how goth I am!” director & world’s oldest emo kid Tim Burton will be directing the film version of the broadway hit Sweeny Todd. The film will of course star Johnny Depp. When The Bullets reached Burton for comment, he said that he was “excited to see how I can turn some more totally new source material into the same crap movie I’ve been making over & over for the last 15 years.” He then excused himself, presumably to go make Depp look like Michael Jackson again.
• Fake magician & Cpt. Hairdo David Copperfield claims he has found the fountain of youth. Copperfield, who has made both the Statue Of Liberty & Claudia Schiffer disappear, plans to turn the location into a resort. When The Bullets reached a spokesman for comment, he said, “Yeah… anymore we just kinda nod & smile when he says shit like that.”
• Justin Timberlake decided to take a pot shot at American idol winner Taylor Hicks this week, saying that the leader of the Soul Patrol “couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.” The Bullets has recieved confirmation that Timberlake is now officially under investigation by the Bureau Of Dead Metaphors. As for Hicks, when we reached him for comment on the situation, he expressed confusion as to how anyone might be able to put music in a bucket, corrected himself after thinking that maybe someone could put a radio in there, earnestly thanked us for being a part of his amazing success, then yelled “WHOOOO WEEEEE!.
• In Music news, Billy Corwin’s re-formed Smashing Pumpkins are in the studio recording their new album. In recent years Corwin has released music with the band Zwan & as a solo act. The Bullets has discovered that the new album is tentitively entitled “Hey you guys… c’mon… hey, listen to me… LISTEN TO MEEEEE!!!!!”
• Execs at the new CW Network have announced that a writer’s strike would in no way hamper the production of it’s upcoming season of America’s Next Top Model, primarily because no one associated with show knows how to read.
• Moon-faced over-actress & weirdo baby-namer Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been taking a break from acting for the past two years while she had her 2 babies, has announced that she’s ready to get back to work. Oh well… it was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
• And finally, in nerd birthday news, H.P. Lovecraft turns 115 today. Hail, Cthulhu!

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. KILL YOUR TV!

1. An employee or assistant who serves in a wide range of capacities
2. A movie executive who has no idea of where to put a semicolon in a sentence
3. A pretty-boy actor with the depth of a puddle who tries to play the world’s ugliest and dirtiest poet
4. George Stephanopoulos’ secret service code name
5. Matt Dillon is playing Charles Bukowski? Matt Dillon? What? No! This cannot be! If ever there was a role crying out for Paul Giamotti or Steve Buschemi, this was it. How could the casting have gone so horribly, horribly wrong? I’m going to go punch a wall now.

Oh man, so this one time I met Regis Philbin. He was really nice but quieter than I thought he would be. They told me he talks really loud but not when I was there. I’m like, wow, that guy talks so quiet. But it was OK cause he’s Regis Philbin and everybody just loves that guy. I mean, there’s a lot of intelligence there that I just didn’t understand when I watched him on television. What a guy. Yeah, that was great meeting Regis Philbin. Anyway, after that I sung Do I Make You Proud again. I guess everybody really likes it when I sing that song cause people clapped a lot and the women looked really enthusiastic to see me. Oh man it was great. WhooooWeeeee!

So after I sang my song I got to sit down with him and that girl who does the show with him. I can never remember whether her name is Kathy or Kelly so I just stuck to saying “Yes Ma’am” a lot. I do that when I can’t remember a girl’s name and the women really think I’m polite and down home, which I guess I am and all. Anyway, she was a really pretty lady and I really enjoyed talking to her and Regis. It was weird though cause that lady kept calling him Anderson and not Regis, but they’ve been friends a long time so I guess thats ok.

I think we talked about how my life has had a bunch of change in it since I won and all. I get to talk about that a lot. I remember telling her that my life really has changed a lot since I won American Idol and then I said “WhooooWee!” and she laughed and Regis kind of jumped in his chair and the whole thing was really fun. I mean, it sure is great being on TV shows and getting to sing in front of people. I love doin’ that and getting to meet all my fans who are just great fans. I can’t believe how popular I am now. It just makes me so happy to be able to sing and meet pretty women and have fun being a star and all.

After my “segment” was over I got to ride around New York in a limousine. The limousine had three different kinds of bottled water in it, but it didn’t have Kirkland Bottled Water, which you can get at the Costco in Alabama. I sure do miss Kirkland brands, but I guess I’m a big star now and we don’t drink stuff like Kirkland Brand Bottled Water. I mean, I guess I could be demanding and all that and tell people that I have to have Kirkland Bottled Water but it seems to me that being a star is more than just throwing fits because the water you got is different from the water you used to get so I just drank one of the waters they had there in the limousine. I think it was French but I can’t remember the name.

As we were driving I’m pretty sure we went by Central Park. It was a big park and all and I’m not really sure if there are any parks in New York besides Central Park but I didn’t want to be a bother so I didn’t ask or anything. There were a lot of people jogging in the park. I like jogging because it is good exercise and I think I look good in a sweatshirt, especially a yellow one with a zipper. That would be a good look for me. I think I would do that on stage but people like you to dress up and all and I want to make my fans happy because I really appreciate them and all the things they’ve done to help me change my life and become such a great person and good singer and all. I’m just so grateful. WooooWeee!

Smashing through the boundaries, lunacy has found me
cannot stop the Battery
Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession
cannot kill the Battery

Cannot kill The Bullets
Battery is found in me

Battery!
__________________________________________________
Hey Kids! The Bullets have moved into their cozy new digs here on Friday night. What? Up and move an entire pop culture phenomenon without even a warning? Yeah, that’s just how we roll. We’re rebels and we’re never ever gonna be any good.

The Bullets would like to announce the winner of our latest T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always we had lots of terrific entries, and judging was tight. But when the smoke cleared, there could really only be one winner:

That’s right, it’s legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti, taking time during his busy farewell concert tour to give us a shout-out. Hey… if the man says he wants more cowbell, give the man more cowbell! Thanks again Luciano… and don’t forget to check your paypal account for the big $10.00 prize!

Stay tuned for more Bullets contests, right here!

• According to Variety, Bruce Willis & 20th Century Fox are back in the dead-horse beating business, and they plan to do a fourth installment in the only-the-first-one-was-any-good “Die Hard” franchise. Die Hard: Fuck, I Think I Broke My Hip is scheduled for a June 2007 release.



• Doug Feiger, lead singer for The Knack, underwent successful brain surgery yesterday. The 51 year old had two tumors removed, and is expected to make a full recovery. Details are sketchy, but apparently one of the tumors was the actual riff to “My Sharona”… so if that thing’s still in your head, you might want to see your doctor.



• Former SNL star & tiny little Elvis Rob Schneider slammed drunken menace Mel Gibson in an open letter he had published in Variety. Schneider vowed to never again work with Gibson, due to now-infamous anti-semitic comments Gibson made at the scene of his DUI arrest. A stunned hollywood replied, “Really? The Deuce Bigalow guy? He’s still around?”



• Speaking of Mel Gibson, some of his Hollywood pals are defending him, including his Maverick co-star Jodie Foster. Foster says she believes Gibson is “absolutely not” an anti-semite. When The Bullets reached Gibson for comment, he grunted “Fuck that fucking dyke”, took a swing at us, fell down, and puked in the gutter.



• Worthless waste of space Paris Hilton recently sat down with British GQ for an interview, during which she asked who Tony Blair was, then said that she wasn’t having sex for a year. “I’ll kiss,” she went on to say, “but nothing else.” Shortly after the interview, The Bullets was able to reach Paris for some carification, and she said, “And blowjobs. Oh, and people can still cum on me. But just in my face, not on my tits.”



• And it’s official. After 8 months of playing it coy, Jenny McCarthy has finally told People magazine that she & Jim Carrey are indeed dating. The Bullets sat down with the happy couple after the big announcement, and they said that they have no plans to wed, they’re just enjoying their status as Most Obnoxious Celebrity Couple. Then they started making stupid faces at each other, and annoying sounds, and making their assholes talk to each other, and eventually we just had to leave the room.



• And also in celebrity couple news, former Most Obnoxious Couple Peter Saarsgard & Maggie Gyllenhaal were snapped by photogs recently, and Maggie’s very pregnant. The Bullets would like to congratulate the pair on the upcoming birth of the smirk-iest baby in Hollywood.



• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, Percy Bysshe Shelley turns 214 today. Sure, he wound up being best known as the husband of the chick who wrote Frankenstein. Sure, he was really just kinda the Robin to Lord Byron’s Batman. But he wrote some kick ass poetry nonetheless. Check it:

‘Men of England, heirs of Glory,
Heroes of unwritten story,
Nurslings of one mighty Mother,
Hopes of her, and one another;

‘What is Freedom? – ye can tell
That which slavery is, too well -
For its very name has grown
To an echo of your own.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley-
from The Mask Of Anarchy

Well, those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to hoist a glass in honor of another Nerd Birthday… one of our own, Andy. Happy Birthday, dude.

_________________________________
Hey there, kids! The Bullets is proud to announce our next T-Shirt Photo Contest. Just take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt, which rules, and email it to us at thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com

As always, the winner will be detrmined by The Bullets staff, and will recieve the big $10.00 prize! Good luck, and get snapping!

• In a shocking announcement that stunned everyone on the face of the earth, *NSYNC-erator Lance Bass revealed to People magazine Wednesday that he’s gay. Later in the day Patrick Stewart called to reveal that he’s bald, and the dessicated corpse of Paul Lynde dug itself out of it’s grave, shambled into People Magazine headquarters, and announced that it’s dead.



• Lindsay Lohan collapsed from heat exhaustion on the set of her new movie in L.A. Tuesday, and was rushed to the hospital for treatment. When The Bullets asked if the collapse might have been related to her alleged hard-partying lifestyle, a spokesman for La Lohan said, “No, that’s ridiculous… this was plain old heat exaustion, just like Sid Vicious used to get.”



• Speaking of collapsing, Prince’s marriage has also collapsed. Manuela Testolini, second wife of His Royal Badness himself, is filing for divorce. Apparently the court documents cite irreconcilable differences, but when The Bullets reached Manuela’s lawyers for comment, they said that was because they couldn’t agree on the proper legal terminology for “Sometimes Prince makes me smear 1040 motor oil all over my naked body, and ride around on an ostrich that’s been dyed purple with a Malibu Barbie doll shoved up my ass, and a stuffed ocelot wearing earrings & lipstick balanced on my head and I really don’t wanna have to do that stuff anymore.”



• According to our pals over at TMZ.com, a bicyclist in Iowa City, IA was injured when he was struck & pinned under the Girls Gone Wild tour bus. It is unclear exactly what the fuck the Girls Gone Wild tour bus was doing in Iowa, but the cyclist was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was later trapped under a fallen crate of silicone breast implants.



• In a fitting memorial, the ashes of Star Trek’s beloved James “Scotty” Doohan will be shot into space this fall. The ashes of 100 other people will also be on the flight, including the Mercury program’s beloved Gordon “Gordo” Cooper, and Barney Miller’s beloved Abe “Fish” Vigoda. When The Bullets reached Vigoda’s management for comment, we were told that he “isn’t dead.”



• We at The Bullets believe that we have solved the mystery of the whereabouts of little Suri Cruise, who hasn’t been seen by anyone except Leah Remini and Will & Jada Pinkett Smith since her birth. Our extensive investigation included about a half a bottle of Cuervo Black, watching House Of Wax on pay-per-view, and clicking this link. We really don’t need to explain any further, do we?



• 55 year-old Chris Storm of Amarillo, TX has won the annual Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest at Sloppy Joe’s in Key West. Two weeks ago Storm won the Los Angleles Dodger pictcher Hugh Casey look-alike contest, and he hopes to win next week’s Kurt Cobain look-alike contest, thus being the first American to win the prestigious Triple Crown Of Look-Alike-Contests Of People Who Blew Their Own Heads Off With Shotguns.



• And finally, in nerd birthday news, legendary television producer Norman Lear, creator of All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Good Times, Fernwood 2nite, and about a billion other great shows, turns 83 today. We at The Bullets would like to wish Mr. Lear all the best, and we thank him for all the great TV.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re all very excited about the upcoming Borat flick, and are off to catch the trailer. Do join us, won’t you?

***Make Click!***