Just Us Nerds

We got our shit together to sit down and do a really good post about what’s been happening everywhere for the last few days. But there’s no way in hell we coulda said it any better than our old buddy Joss Whedon, so we’ll just let him take point on this one. Cue Tom Petty’s Won’t Back Down, please…

A Message From WGA & DGA member Joss Whedon.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

First, we’ll start by saying the we love Barack Obama. He’s from Chicago, he has amazing charisma, and he is a truly inspiring public orator. He will lead this country very well, and in the right direction, and should he be the one to win the Democratic nomination, we will have absolutely no problem supporting him.

That being said, tomorrow is Super Tuesday, and we get to vote in the California primary. And we’re voting for Hillary.

Barack has made it a cornerstone of his campaign to say that we need to “look forward, not look back.” This is a way of saying that we need to vote for someone who hasn’t been in the system for as long as Hillary has… that we need a change. But we happen to believe that words mean something. Especially those words. Hillary & Obama are so close on so many issues… in order to differentiate himself from her, Barack has repeatedly said that we shouldn’t vote for Hillary because she voted to authorize force against Iraq way back when, when our current FuckFace president was lying his ass off to all of us, and many of us believed him about it. Hillary voted for the resolution. She has said that it was a mistake. She has said that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have. And now, here in the present, she has a plan to end the war. Barack continues to hammer her about her vote, saying that he is better served to lead us because he didn’t vote to authorize force in the first place. Our point here is… if we need to look to forward, rather than back, then why do we need to keep looking BACK to find a reason to not vote for Hillary? She’s on the right page now. She, as we all do, knows the war was a mistake. Let’s look ahead, not back, just like Obama has been saying, and look at who has an actual, viable plan to stop the war. We’ve listened to them both. In our opinion… it’s our girl.

Next up… lets talk health care. Both Barack & Hillary have great plans. Obama himself has stated that 95% of their health care plans are the same. What’s different about the remaining 5%? The ability to know what will work, and what won’t. Hillary picked up the health care livewire back when she was First Lady. Remember? She was crushed. She’s been here before, and she knows what will work, and what won’t. As nice as Obama sounds when he discusses health care, and almost all the other issues, btw, when he talks about them, he says things like “What I would try to do…” and “What I would like to do…” When Hillary talks about her plans, she says “What I will do…” and “What I can do…”

Which brings us to our next point. Experience. She has it, he doesn’t. It’s just that simple. And we’re sorry… but it’s important.

Next up… Let’s look at who the Republicans want to win. Swallow your gum, suck it up, turn on your radio, and listen to the Republican talk radio shows, like Savage, and Hannity, and Limbaugh. They want Obama to win. They do not want Hillary to win. The reason for this is simple. They can beat Obama in a general election. They can’t beat Hillary. When a total Right-wing lunatic ass-faced CUNT like Ann Coulter says she’d vote for Hillary over John McCain… you’d better start wondering why, friends. These fuckers don’t say anything without a reason.

And yes, Obama says he will bring “the young vote” to his candidacy. But ya know what? We’ve heard that before, people. Remember???? Kerry said he had “the young people” behind him. All we heard from the young people the year leading up to the last election was how inspired by him they were, and how excited they were to vote for him. Ya know what happened? When it was time to put their money where their mouths were… the young people didn’t show up on election day, and we got fucked up the ass with 4 more years of Fuckface. The Bullets likes young people. we still kinda are young people… well, we certainly feel like we are, anyway… but when the rubber hits the road… young people tend not to vote. Even when they spend a year talking about voting. Hillary’s base, while being as large as Obama’s is, is older, and more established, and more invested in the proccess than Obama’s. And they’re more likely to show up on election day and actually punch the fucking card.

On a more personal note… we have to say that one of the reasons we’re voting for Hillary is because we’ve always been with The Boss. Ah, Bill. we’ve always loved him, and we always will. He’s the only president we’ve ever voted for who’s ever won. And, if you remember correctly, when he was in charge, things were pretty fucking good. Especially when, as Obama himself noted, you look at it through the prism of the last 8 years of Bush-Fuck. So yeah… we were always with The Boss. And now, we’re with The Boss’ Old Lady.

So there it is. As we have said, we love Obama. We will vote for him in the general election… we will even campaign for him in the general election, and post many posts here on his behalf, should he be the nominee.

But tomorrow… here in California, on Super Tuesday…

The Bullets are voting for Hillary.

That is all.

Time for another WGA strike update. First off: The Weinstein Company, MRC, and Spyglass Entertainment have each signed interim agreements, joining the ever-expanding list of independent production companies who have been able to negotiate a fair deal with the WGA.

That’s excellent. But let’s get to the really big news: That’s right kids… we’re in a MEDIA BLACKOUT! The Director’s Guild started up formal negotiations with the AMPTP on Saturday, and we won’t hear anything official until the deal is done. Or not done. But there is a glimmer of hope here. The way we see it, the Big 6 can use this as an out, and end this ugly strike before the Oscars get cancelled and they really take a bath. The studios can negotiate a fair deal with the DGA, then say, “See? If the petulant writers hadn’t gone on strike, they could have had this deal a long time ago and saved everyone all this misery.” As far as the WGA strike captains are concerned, that’s fine with them. They just want a fair shake, a fair deal, and for everyone to get back to work.

Traditionally, DGA negotiations with the studios go pretty smoothly. They did go on strike once… for all of 5 minutes. The fact that it’s been 5 days could mean that they’re playing a little hardball, which is a good sign. All rumours point to the fact that the reason the deal wasn’t done in 5 minutes this time is that the DGA is unhappy with the AMPTP’s offer regarding internet residuals. This is very important, because in pattern bargaining, the template for how the entertainment industry does business with it’s myriad unions, if the DGA gets a good deal, the WGA, SAG, and everyone else involved will get a similar deal.

There’s some snarking to be done here about how the DGA doesn’t usually play hardall, and has a tendency to sacrifice residuals for up-front money… but we’re actually going to refrain from snarking tonight. With the announcement that all 6 major congloms are hooked up with the new Apple deal, hopefully the DGA gets just how important any contract for new media residuals will be, not only to them, but to all the other unions involved.

As our fearless nerd leader J.C. noted over on poewar.com, we are on the verge of an entirely new era in entertainment distribution. Much like we were when the WGA last went on strike 20 years ago, back when the producers said that they didn’t know for sure that this whole cockamamy home video fad would ever really catch on.

And so, we’re not going to snark tonight. Much. We’re just going to hold our breath, and hope for the best, while still expecting the worst. Just like an entire industry that would like to get back to work is doing.

In the meantime, still looking for a way to show your support? Worried that the striking writers might not be getting enough to eat on the picket lines?

• Hint: they’ve been out of work for awhile… they’re not.

Well, daaaaaahlings… WGA member, SAG member, and certified cutie-pie/hottie-boom-a-lottie Nia Vardalos can help.

As reported on unitedhollywood.com this week, Nia’s been been buying lunch for picketers once a week at all gates of various studios. If you’d care to join her, all you need to do is email Marianne at mariannetitiriga [at symbol] aol [dot] com. They say that $140 to $160 can provide enough grub to feed an entire gate picket. We did the math on that (even though we were told there would be no math) and that comes out to 8 people kicking in about 20 bucks. If you’re truly a nerd, like we are, you can certainly find 7 other people who like the stuff you like enough to be willing to do this.

And you get to specify which studio picket lines you want to feed. Do ya like Big Blue? Then round up your Smallville posse and send lunch to the picketers at Warners. If you and your pals are Whedonites, then land Serenity, get your Scooby Gang together, and send some chow to the Fox pickets. Hey all you Trekkers… let’s beam some pizza over to the Paramount gates. Do you have a Battlestar Galactica study group? Or maybe you just miss Heroes, or 30 Rock. Then send some food to the NBC pickets, like we are. Just think… with the actor & showrunner support the strike’s been getting, next week Katee Sackhoff, or Hayden Panettiere, or Tina Fey could be putting a 12-inch Subway BMT that you bought in their mouths!!!! Talk about a Letter to Penthouse Forum…

But, all traditional Bullets sexually-based inuendo aside, this is an excellent, easy, and very tangible way to show some support. The writers will most assuredly appreciate it. Aside form just feeding them, it’ll help to keep their spirits up, by letting them know that, as fans, we’re out here thinking about them, and hoping that they can get back to work with a fair deal soon.

This is an Action Alert, gang. Put your money where their mouths are!

Thanks, Bullets fans! And be sure to watch this space… more updates to come.

• BTW… “Fair is fair!” is from the 1985 Delphi III Productions release The Legend Of Billie Jean. Which was written by WGA members Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal, directed by DGA member Matthew Robbins, and starred SAG member, and one of our favorites, the ever-enchanting Helen Slater.

J.C. was kind (merciless?) enough to offer me space as an advice columnist, and I hear writing’s cheaper than therapy. The jury is still out on which causes more longer term detriment to your psyche.

So, having not been blessed with the joy of receiving email other than offers of penis enlargement and small African children, I descended upon the city streets like a vengeful god in search of followers and a halfway decent burrito. BEHOLD, I have given advice!

**

Dear Small Girl With the Eyeliner and Baseball Bat,

I have difficulty finding my way around town without wandering into dangerous areas by accident. How can I protect my valuables and my sweet, sweet ass?

Please don’t hit me.

Signed,
Citizen Who Was Probably Dropped As a Child

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Dear Citizen,

What an interesting dillema! I hear talk of such ingenious devices as GPS trackers and nannies with toddler leashes, but these really don’t seem like proper solutions for a discerning individual such as yourself. I suggest taking yourself to the nearest tattoo parlor and investing in a permanent copy of your city’s map – just above the elbow works nicely, as you can see it clearly and it can still be covered with a snazzy business shirt. I’m sure you have many snazzy business shirts.

And if strangely garbed young humans with makeshift weaponry approach you in a menacing manner, whip off your top and show those hooligans you already know how to stick it to the Man, dudes, so they best be steppin’ off.

The tattoo will make it easier to identify your corpse.

All My Love,
Jane.

**

Dear Jane,

I’m taking my new girlfriend out on a date tonight, and she said she wanted to do something “creative” and “interesting.” Pottery classes are right out, since last time she lost one of her diamond Tiffany rings in my clay tribute to Jimmy Hoffa. What’s a poor guy with a classy lady to do?

Thanks in Advance,
Entry Level Suitor

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Dear Suitor,

I swear to god, that thing about her losing jewelry in your “clay” better not be a euphemism.

That aside, the key to this evening’s success is going to be costumes. Dig through your closet for the classiest suit you have, or at least a dress shirt that passes the sniff test. Slick back your hair, pencil in a mustache. If you have a mustache already, for the love of cheap tequila shave that disgusting face fungus off your languishing visage. Now, leave a tie loose around your neck, and pack your keys in your jacket’s front pocket so there’s a noticeable change in the line of your suit and a faint metal sound when you walk.

When you arrive at her door, kiss her hand immediately after checking your surroundings for possible threats. Pull her close. Giovanni’s men could be right behind you, and it’s time to take your lady out of here. Run to the car and begin a whirlwhind tour of the city at night – two rides at the carnival, sneak in the back door for twenty minutes of a picture show, grab no more than one shared glass of wine at the swank bar and lounge because you must drive – drive! – to make the night last, because it’s just you and your dame until the sun rises or death stares you down from the barrel of a snub-nose .45

Cheers,
Jane

**

Dear Jane,

My parents won’t buy me a car. What am I going to do? I’ll be the only Senior taking the bus! How will I pick up the bitches, Jane? Think of my bitches!

Signed,
Loathsome Fool With His Hat on Backwards.

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Dear Maggot Feeding Upon the Rotting Flesh of Society,

You should count yourself lucky that your parents haven’t killed you. It shows real strength of will for them to live with their decision while so many of us suffer.

I don’t know how you came to believe that you are owed a car, but some of us never got it so good. Some of us were unpopular, even once we discovered makeup.

Some of us loved to play soccer, but were never as good as the other kids and so even 10 years and 2,000 miles after our last season the soft sussurance of a father criticizing his child’s footwork at the local park triggers incoherent rage and the burning desire to melt through the hood of a mini van with homemade blocks of thermite.

Some of us never got a part in the school play, even though we knew all the lines, because the neighbors’ blonde girl bounced so much better and someone wanted us home by eight to work on bringing up our calculus grade so that if we were social failures we could at least get into a “real” school.

DAMMIT, DAD. SOME OF US JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED.

**

Dear Angry Looking Punk Girl,

Will you be my girlfriend?

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Unless your name is “Batman”, I’m not interested.

Sweet Christ, where did I leave my mace?

Jane

**

Send me your questions, nerds!