A Colbert Report Special Report: Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Posted by J.C. on May 4, 2006 under Politics, Press, TV |

Forget the Washington Press Corpse Corps Dinner, Stephen Colbert has been speaking the Truth every day!

• Born in colonial Boston, as a young boy Franklin apprenticed with his father, a tallow chandler and soap boiler. And, since we seem to be making jobs up, he was also a fruit bargler.
• Don’t touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.
• Equations are the devil’s sentences!
• Going to church. It’s my favorite part of being a believer. On a typical Sunday Morning while some people are enjoying brunch or enjoying a good tee time, I sit in church imagining them chained to a burning lake of unquenchable fire. You know it makes even the dullest sermon fly by.
• I believe all God’s creatures have a soul… except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
• I know the pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes.
• If we surrender our national anthem to Spanish, where does it end? Next thing you know they’ll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason.” It’s the language of global commerce!
• I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.
• I’m looking over your shoulder… only because I’ve got your back.
• Isn’t a centrist someone who doesn’t have the balls to be a fanatic?
• I’ve never been a fan of doctors. Who are they to tell me that a cholesterol count of 320 is ‘dangerous.’ Hey doc, take a look at this. It’s a potato chip with peanut butter on it. Mmmm? tastes like deep-fried liberty.
• Just because they represent an absolute quantity, numbers think they have some special claim to the truth. But numbers can be used to prove anything. “Sussudio” was a number one song — that doesn’t mean it’s good. Even though it is.
• Oedipus had a great sex life before he started asking questions.
• Researchers studying visual signaling have found that cute images stimulate the same pleasure centers of the brain aroused by sex, food, and mind-altering chemicals?. And cuteness serves as an alternative to psychoactive drugs like cocaine. You have not known true euphoria until you’ve done a line of puppies off a stripper’s ass.
• Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, “Walk it off.”
• These robots were expected to live on Mars for only 90 days, but two years later, they’re still working. This is not good. They’re not powering down, they’re unkillable, with clear survival instincts. This can only lead to one thing — breeding. Why did we send two of them?!” Don’t put your death wish on us, NASA!

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