Now I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man, & I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man, and I’m the shepherd… and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo… I’m tryin’ real hard to be The Thursday Night Bullet Points.
- Delta Burke took a spill off of a riser at rehersals for her new play Southern Baptist Sissies yesterday, breaking her ankle & delaying the play’s opening. She was the only one hurt, and the immediate vicinity has so far only reported minor damage like a few broken windows, and items knocked off of grocery store shelves.
- M. Night Shyamalan is releasing a children’s book. Probably one scary-ass children’s book.
- Paula Abdul has signed a deal with Fox to appear on at least 3 more seasons of American Idol. No specifics were released, but her agent says the deal should be enough to keep her in booze & quaaludes for a very long time.
- Julia Roberts made her Broadway debut yesterday in the preview for the highly anticipated play Three Days Of Rain. The production is her first big project after the birth of her twins, Phinneas & Hazel, aside from her brief contribution to the book Names Your Children Will Change The Second It Is Legally Possible.
- Tom Jones was knighted yesterday by Queen Elizabeth II. Following the ceremony, the iconic Welsh crooner stuffed The Queen’s panties in his pocket, and quickly snuck away before she had a chance to see Mars Attacks.
- Will & Grace continues it’s non-stop stunt casting tonight with an appearance by Britney Spears. Really guys? Do we hafta wait until May to kill this off?
- James Marsters will show up again on Smallville tonight. He looks so short, doesn’t he? I guess I’m just used to seeing him standing next to Buffy.
- Paul Reiser celebrates his 49th birthday today. Earlier this year the Mad About You star marked the 7th anniversary of the death of his career.
- And Celine Dion celebrates her 38th birthday today. Still no word on any kind of contingencey plan to prevent her eventual crushing the earth under the weight of her enormous head.
That’s it for The Bullets this week, kids. And the next time someone tells you that smoking doesn’t make you look cool, give ‘em two words. Humphrey Bogart.
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