I love a good celebrity musician. I can listen to Bruce Willis plug away at his harmonica for hours (he’ll do it too, just ask). And when Jared Leto put on that goth makeup and sings plaintively into the camera, it warms my heart. Sure, nothing will ever compare to the Blues Brothers and their extended R&B ruminations, but we keep trotting celebrities out there, hoping one will stick. Most of the celebrity “women” who try to rule the musical world are pop-rock nymphets like Lindsey Lohan or whichever one of the Duff Girls sings (it may be both, I can’t tell them apart) but once in a while we get a real WOman out there to sing. Someone with class, style and distinction goes up there and makes all us sit up and notice.
That someone is Minnie Driver. You know, the English woman with the enormous head who never gets to use her English accent because we want all of our English women to sound like they’re just ordinary Americans, even if it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference to the story? Yeah that one. Good Actress. Well, she’s made an album or two, believe it or not. And this gem, a love song sang (apparently) to her dog, just blew me away. And the surging footage? Definitely worthy of a Hasselhoff award.
I wanna lay down with you
Forever
Or just this afternoon
Watching the shadows getting long
I’ll sing you a quiet song
Watch you sleep, slow and deep
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
I wanna remind you how to laugh
Sometimes you don’t even, make a sound
Until you fall down on the ground
And I want to love you everyday
And maybe it will balance out the pain
I can’t take away
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
So come on and lay down with me
I’ll tell you all the useless things that I have learned
But theres one good thing my old man told me:
Baby I know that all your pain will pass
I know your sad
But it wont last
I’m betting you everything, that I’ve got in my pocket
When your staring out into the sky
See what you have
And don’t ask why
Things can be different, be Perfect
OK. We spent $300 million in the off-season. We went out and got the best manager we could get our paws on. Some would say it was more of a business gesture than something done for love of the game. After all, the team will be up for sale at the end of the 2007 season, no matter how it may ultimately end.
Some would say that… but I am not one of them.
It was ugly at first. We were baptized in fire. A young family, still new to each other… dysfunctional, often battling ourselves just as viciously as our foes. Losses racked up. Disappointment loomed in the doorway. Punches were thrown. People were exiled. 8 1/2 games out of first, and dropping like a rock. It didn’t look good.
But somewhere along the way, bloodied, aching, we reached an understanding. Our leader did what he was hired to do. He breathed fire. That fire infused the team with his passion for the game. We pulled it all together for a spectacular June & July run, charging the gates of our upstart, cinderella arch-enemies. We fought like hell.
I watched it all. And I sensed a will to win.
And so, in the thick of the fight, I took flight. In the August heat, I soared all the way to my beloved Wrigleyville, on steel wings of hope, to share in the dream. I watched the wind rustle through the ivy. I felt the strength of the gathered faithful. I yelled until my throat was raw, living and dying on every pitch, cheering them to victory. And they gave that victory to me, like a gift.
And here at home, so far away from the Friendly Confines, I tried to never publicly waver in my support, or my faith. I wore the gear. I lived for the highlights. I kept everyone posted, even people who didn’t care. I asked the bartenders to put the games on, over the jeers of the Giants & A’s fans. I took the hits, and the scoffs, and I let people call me crazy. All I returned was a wry smile. “We’ll see…” I said.
It never got easy, and it came pretty close to right down to the razor-wire, a maddening back-and-forth duel with the Brewers, losing game after game that we should have won. Our hero pulled up lame, and was suddenly gone. At times, it looked like it might not happen. But even when we were stumbling, we still never seemed to lose the spirit… the drive… the will. And thankfully, the Brewers stumbled with us.
In moments of anguish & frustration, I ocassionally spit some venom. I may have banged my head against a few bars as a lead evaporated in the late innings, maybe I even bemoaned our “curse” once or twice. But those were private moments. They were always my boys through it all, and where it counted, I never let any of the doubts show.
Still, with so many tears shed, so much blood spilled, so many disappointments, so much hurt, I allowed myself to hope for the best… but I secretly prepared for the worst.
So, on this night, I shout to the sky, as loudly & as ecstatically as Harry himself,
“Cubs win!!! Cubs win!!!”
You are the 2007 National League Central Division champions, boys. And whatever happens from here, nothing can take that away from you. Celebrate. Then rest, and prepare yourselves for the battles to come. They will not be easy. But know this.
We believe.
Yep, this one’s for the Cubs fans. Hey, Gramma! The Cubs took the pennant!
somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…
It’s two A.M.
It’s two A.M. the fear has gone
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances
Yeah there’s a storm on the loose, sirens in my head
I’m wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead
I cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy
Help I’m steppin’ into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse, feels like being cloned
My beacon’s been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go, now that I’ve gone too far
Soon you will come to know…
When The Bullets hit the bone
The Bullets are pleased to announce the winner of last week’s T-Shirt Photo Contest. As always, there were tons of entries to choose from, and they were all great… but there can be only one. And this was really a no-brainer.
That’s right, it’s none other than Gandalf The Grey himself,
Sir Ian McKellan!
Aw, look at him crossing his fingers for luck. Not needed, pal! Who were we gonna give it to, Daniel Radcliffe? Well, he did send us an entry, but he wasn’t wearing any pants in the photo, and we’re pretty sure that’s still kiddie porn. So congratulations, Sir Ian! And don’t forget to check your paypal acct. for the big $10.00 prize!
As for you runners-up… watch for the next Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest starting up in the next edition!
Dessicated news-corpse Dan Rather is suing CBS & it’s parent company Viacom for 70 million dollars, alleging breech of contract during the “Rathergate” scandal that occured near the end of the 2004 campaign. A press release we recieved late Friday said, “They better fork over the gold semolians, or boy will they be sorry… I’m hotter than Aunt Sally’s potato salad left in the trunk at the 4th Of July picnic in Death Valley.”
Denise Richards’s restraining order against Charlie Sheen has expired, so she’s filed for an order of protection to keep him away from the couple’s 2 daughters. The Bullets attempted to reach Richards for comment, but we were told she was busy blowing the lead singer from Warrant while David Spade & Heather Locklear watched while jacking each other off.
Speaking of Charlie Sheen, the star of Two & A Half Men was once again denied the best actor in a comedy award in Sunday night’s Emmy ceremony. In a related story, future Emmy ballots will just feature pictures of the nominated actors with little boxes to check next to them, under the sentence “Who’s funnyer?” written in crayon with the “s” backwards.
America’s male sweetheart Tom Hanks is producing a 10-part mini-series based on Vincent Bugliosi’s book Reclaiming History. The book essentially debunks all the famous JFK assasination conspiracy theories, agreeing with the Warren Commision’s conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. We called up our old pal, JFK director Oliver Stone to tell him the news, and he said, “What? Fools! Ignorant, blind fools! Can’t they see that the longer we fight the truth, the more we suffer as a nation, and the easier it is to… waitaminnit, who’s doing it? Hanks? Aw… I love that guy!”
Following Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt, Matthew McConaughey has taken over Wilson’s role in the upcoming Ben Stiller-directed comedy Tropic Thunder. When informed, Stiller, who hadn’t noticed yet, told The Bullets, “Ya know, I thought Owen was taking his shirt off way too much.”
Country star and fake patriotic fuck-face Lee Greenwood canceled a recent concert held to honor veterans, police, and firefighters. Sources told The Bullets that Greenwood, who sings the anthem “God Bless The U.S.A.” refused to appear after organizers failed to come up with his $20,000 fee. We reached Greenwood’s manager for comment, and he told us, “Well, it’s just like the lyrics say… ‘I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free/And I won’t forget the men who died who gave that right to me/Unless you don’t cough up my 20 grand’.”
Diminutive pop superstar and long-time Bullets favorite Prince surprised the attendees of designer Matthew Williamson’s catwalk show for his new line by staging an impromptu concert at the event in London on Wednesday. After the show, His Royal Badness took off his pants, drew a smiley face on his ass, jumped on a camel, poured a bottle of Mr. Bubble over his head, and rode off while speaking in what witnesses described as “tongues.”
Tuesday night’s Big Brother 8 finale on CBS was beaten in the ratings by NBC’s finale of The Biggest Loser. A Spokesperson for CBS told The Bullets, “Fine… we’ll just put more fat people in the house next year.”
And finally, Dr. Joyce Brothers turns 78 today. The Bullets would like to take this opportunity to wish Dr. Brothers a very happy brithday, and to thank her for all the years of pantsuits, scarves, and dubious advice. Unless she’s dead, in which case we’ll update this later… Our research dept. is looking into it.
The Emmy show wasn’t without it’s high points. Here’s one… Stewie & Brian’s spectacular opening musical number:
And one more quick note: If you haven’t been watching Warner Bros. The Batman cartoon recently, you’ve missed Robin, Batgirl, Martian Manhuner teaming up with Bats to save the Earth from an alien invasion…
And oh yeah… you missed THIS:
Set your tivos… the new Season starts up Saturday Sept. 22nd!
Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Until next time, keep your powder dry. Whatever powder that may be.
Things were so barren here at JUN, that when the Emmy nominations came out I actually posted my response on PoeWar, but now that we’re up and running again, I’ll do the wrap up here where they belong, and with 75% more sassmouth.
Freakin Best Drama: In JCland, The Shield (not nominated) once again walked away with top honors, but in crap-assed Hollywood the used up old whore that was the Sopranos walked away with the top prize. Congratulations. In your honor I will observe a moment of silence. No wait, I already went through that. As Tony would say, nice ending fuck-for-brains.
Best Actor: in JCland Michael Chiklis (not nominated) walked away with this, but in Hollywood, James Spader had to waddle up on the stage to accept his prize. Yeah, he’s pretty good on that lousy show, but of any of the nominees, Hugh Laurie ought to have got it just for the scene where he lay in his own vomit. Now that’s acting!
Best Actress in a Drama: Yeah, big Hollywood Sally Field got it. In her honor Fox TV observed a moment of silence. That network has some Goddamn class!
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Apparently the Emmies were still watching the 2005 Lost, because they gave it to Terry O’Quinn who should have been counted in the Guest Actor slot this year. What did he get, two shows out of 22? Michael Emerson’s bug eyes should have won. I would have loved to hear their acceptance speech.
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Katherine Heigl is smokin’ hot. I can live with this one.
Best Comedy Series: My pick, anything BUT Ugly Betty, won. Hmmmm, Butt Ugly Betty, now that would have been an even BETTER name for the show.
Best Actor in a Comedy Series: Ricky Gervais? That no talent hack? When, oh when will they recognize Charlie Sheen’s awesome comedic timing?
Best Actress in a Comedy Series: They gave it to America Ferrara, who in a bold move sent up a drag queen to accept the award for her. Way to recognize the little people America!
Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Jeremy Piven won! And he stayed in character by acting like a total a-hole when he accepted the award. Suck it India!
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly won, and she was nice enough to bring her twins up when she accepted. I couldn’t have been happier for them.
Best Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: The Daily Show! Awesome! Suck it Colbert!!!
Everything Else: Tony Bennett and Robert Duvall. Coincidentally, they’re gonna team up as buddy cops next year! Look for Blue Steel and Blue Veins to sweep the 2009 Emmies!
Now it’s time for me to give out some awards:
Best imitation of a straight guy imitating a gay guy imitating a straight guy: Ryan Seacrest
Best Musical Performance that had next to nothing to do with the TV show it paid tribute to: I’m looking at you Jersey Boys!
Best Dick Move: Cutting Duvall off to talk to the blogger. Hey’ I’m a blogger and I wouldn’t even do that!
Best Kanye West Impersonation: Kanye West. He’s perfected the act!
Best inappropriate Shot of a Guy in the Audience: Was that a far too lingering shot of Tom Selleck during the Soprano’s tribute? It sure was!
A message to the Kansas City Chiefs, from JUN Sports special correspondent Bill Lumberg:
Hey Kansas City, whaaaaat’s happening. Listen, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re attaching a cover sheet to all the TPS reports here from now on. Oh, and we’re not gonna kick the ball to Devin Hester. Hey, did you get that memo? Yeeeeah. And your fans are gonna need you to go ahead and come in to work on Sunday. We’re trying to play a little catch-up here, so if you could just do that, that’d be greeeeat.
Oh, and here’s another copy of that memo. Thaaaaanks.
It’s time for some football, kids… JUN Sports presents our Week One wrap up.
The Broncos won. It was ugly, but that’s gonna be their season this year. With one of the worst off-seasons ever recorded, and a wild, crazy-ass kid that no one knows what the hell he’s gonna do next as starting QB, they’re gonna have to be scrappy, and make it through the season just like they made it through the opener… by any means necessary.
The Broncos-Bills game was marred by the horrific injury to the Bill’s Kevin Everett, who at post time, was still not out of the woods yet. In a game that is brutal by nature, that was exceptionally brutal. We here at JUN Sports hope that he’ll be OK… but it doesn’t look good.
The Raiders took a bad loss in The Black Hole. As one of our JUN Sports correspondents actually bleeds Silver & Black (He does… I’ve seen it) we will refrain from extensive raider bashing here. We’ll just leave it with saying that since they were apparently using the “we don’t need you to win” chip in their signing negotiations with Jamarcus Russell… guess who just made a PILE of money today, and will probably be suited up on Wednesday?
Check out the highlights from the Green Bay - Philly game. It looks like a giant fucking rugby scrum, mixed with “catch the greased-up deaf guy” from Family Guy.
Both the Cowboys & the Giants look pretty good offensively… but the score says that both of their Ds need a little work, doesn’t it? And with all the guys they already lost during the game, if Eli Manning is out for more than a month, Big Blue is fucked. I don’t know who that back-up QB is, but he looks like the bouncer at a Creed gig in Tallahassee, circa 1996.
The Bears lost to the Chargers, which was to be expected, I guess… but what was interesting is that they set out to stop LT… and they pretty much did. If you can hold him to 2 TDs, and he has to throw one of them in a freaky fake-screen gadget play… hey, that’s not bad. Of course, now they need to actually win.
Just as suspected, the addition of happy, healthy Randy Moss has made the Patriots pretty much unstoppable. New England is now a frightening force of nature, and has a good shot at winning it all.
Speaking of frightening forces of nature, look out for the fucking Colts. They didn’t rest after they won it all last year. They knew everyone would be gunning for them, and they made the appropriate adjustments. Did you see that D? Did you see those new formations (two tight ends????)? Did you see Harrison catch a TD pass from Payton on the left side of the field? Scary stuff, kids.
A note to anyone in the Viking’s division: Watch your asses. They’re for real, and they pose a threat. As evidenced by his performance today, as well as in the pre-season, they didn’t just decide to make Adrian Peterson’s nickname AD (”All Day”) because it sounds nice. We predict he will be one of the most exciting players to watch in the game this year.
Um… what the hell happened to Kansas City? Are there dioxins in the water down there? Inquiring minds want to know.
Clinton Portis finally did some damage for the Redskins. Champ’s been good for the Broncos from the get-go, so it’s nice to see the trade was actually mutually beneficial.
OK, sure, it was against Cleveland, and that may actually be a Pop Warner team they have there… but the Steelers, particularly Big Ben, looked good. Maybe all that attention they’re getting at the Hall Of Fame shook something loose.
New Orleans, Tennesee, Jacksonville, and St. Louis all looked pretty underwhelming.
The Monday night games were crazy… McNair doesn’t look so good, and Ray Lewis hurt his arm. Cincinatti is the walking wounded, but there’s no denying Carson Palmer performed well, and the team could be trouble this year.
As for the Niners & the Cards… The Niners won, but Smith looked horrible until the last drive, and no one else was really stepping up. And the Cardinals? They need to get over their habit of losing games they should have won in the last quarter, or their fans will all wind up on Prozac.
Here’s a highlight reel from Week 1, posted by youtuber SunDevilDon.
This has been your JUN Sports NFL Week One wrap-up. We’ll be back to post-mortem Week 2, just like QUINCY, BITCHES! Until then, grab your controlers, and suit those little digital warriors up… It’s MADDEN TIME!
The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody’s gonna go to school today,
She’s going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn’t understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason
‘Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don’t like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.
We would like to take a moment before we begin this edition to proudly announce the return of The Bullets T-Shirt Photo Contest. The rules remain simple: Just take a picture of yourself in this weeks featured t-shirt, and e-mail it to us at thebullets@gmail.com. The winner, as always, will have the winning photo posted in the next edition, and will recieve the customary $10.00 prize in their paypal account. So grab that shirt & that camera, and get snappin’ bitches!!!!!
*NOTE: All photos sent become the property of The Bullets, and my appear anywhere on the internet at any time, especially if you’re a hot girl.
Speaking of which, High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens took naked pictures of herself, and they wound up on the internet. And we’d just like to take a moment to say that we’re all for it. And if her actions convince more smokin’ hot 18 year-olds to take naked pictures of themselves that end up on the internet, well frankly we’re just not seeing the downside. So mazel tov, Vanessa, not only for your shining example, but also for being the first one of those HSM kids to do anything we’d want to see.
A post script to the above bullet… it’s getting increasingly difficult to actually see Hudgens’ nude pictures, due to actions being taken by Disney lawyers. We’d like to let our readers know that we would have posted them here, but we’re already in some legal hot water over our recent posting of clips from the lost Bea Arthur-Estelle Getty lesbian shower scene from the series finale of The Golden Girls, which as you may recall resulted in numerous suicide attempts.
Fading trailer-trash pop princess Britney Spears is in Vegas this weekend for the MTV Video Music Awards, and she has been… ah, ya know what? Fuck it. Nevermind.
Foxy Brown In The Slammer! We were perusing Yahoo News today, and when we saw that, we thought that they were advertising an old Pam Greir flick for some odd reason. Turns out, the phrase has another connotation. Huh. How ’bout that.
Famed director Ang Lee’s latest film Lust, Caution won the top prize at the Venice Film Festival again, a scant two years after Lee won the same prize for the Citizen Kane of gay cowboy movies, Brokeback Mountain. While in the press room after recieving his award, Lee said, “WHY YOU NO LIKE HULK????? HULK RULES!!!!!!”
Aussie Superstar & notorious hothead Russell Crowe is in Maryland this month shooting his latest movie, the Ridley Scott-directed thriller Body Of Lies, which marks Crowe’s fourth collaboration with his Gladiator director. In a related story, anxious Bullets readers everywhere are resigning themselves to a likely new surge of lame, out-dated, Russell-Crowe-throwing-phones-at-people gags.
Per The Hollywood Reporter, the Showtime network has already renewed David Duchovney’s red-hot new series Californication for a second season. Elsewhere, Duchovney’s old X-Files partner Gillian Anderson will continue to be seen in upcoming episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Scully… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?”
In a shocking turn of events, Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams are getting a divorce. And we thought it would last forever. Ledger will play Batman’s arch-enemy The Joker in next summer’s highly anticipated sequel, The Dark Knight. Williams can be seen in future episodes of “Yeah, yeah, I used to be Jen on Dawson’s Creek… look, just give me my dry cleaning, OK?” with her co-star, Gillian Anderson.
Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire is reportedly interested in a role in the upcoming film adaptation of the popular Japanese anime series RoboTech. Maguire’ production company will be producing the film. The Bullets attended a recent Maguire press conference, and when we asked him about the validity of this news, he said, “That’s right geeks, I’m Spider-Man!!! And now I’m gonna be Rick Hunter or Roy Fokker in RoboTech!!! Maybe I’ll play ‘em both, it’s my movie, SUCKAS!!! And look, this is my wife!!! Check her out, she’s a hottie!!! Yeah, sometimes I do her with the Spidey mask on!!! I get laid all the time!!!Suck it, losers!!!!”
And finally, Opera superstar and friend of The Bullets Luciano Pavarotti has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. You were one in a million, Luciano, and we will miss you. And just so you know… after Crazy Joe DaVola, you were our favorite Pagliacci.
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to the clubs… but before we go, we’d like to wish a big Bullets happy birthday to the Head Nerd In Charge, our fearless leader J.C. Party up, pal. And know that, just like Bryan Adams said… everything we do, we do it for you. But… you know… not in a gay way.
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somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…
A message to the Kansas City Chiefs, from JUN Sports special correspondent Bill Lumberg:
It’s time for some football, kids… JUN Sports presents our Week One wrap up.
The silicon chip inside her head