Just Us Nerds

I don’t know what is more depressing. The fact that Funky Winkerbean uses a cat to personify Les’ depression, or the fact that they feel the need to explain that the depressing talking cat is just part of Les’ imagination. Either way, this guy is spiraling out of control.

Wouldn’t it have been cooler to bring back the talking computer? Do you remember the talking computer? It was self aware and funnier than any of the human characters. That was before the 1992 reboot and conversion to a “realistic” soap opera. Now that we have talking cats though, I don’t see why we can’t bring back the talking computer. His advice would certainly be funnier. At least the depressing cat in Betty Blue didn’t show up until after an hour and a half of French sex and angst.

I guess what really bothers me is that I recently lost a good friend, and my cat hasn’t has a word to say about the matter. He just buts up against my hand. Does anyone else get frank counsel from a talking cat when they lose a loved one? If so, please leave a comment. I’d like to hear from you, or better yet, your cat.

My Wife’s Suggestion? Take some Prozac, see a therapist and get on with your life. I’m not sure if she’s talking about me or Les, but the advice is good either way.

Things To Do When You’re Bored, #729:

Have a staring contest with Marty Feldman!

Click on the link below to begin.

Standard staring contest rules… first one to blink loses.

If you lose, refresh the page, and try again!

Careful… he’s really good.

Ready?

CLICK!!!!

J.U.N. would like to take this opportunity to wish our pal Owen Wilson best wishes for a speedy recovery. We’ve been in committee all morning, and have decided that we’d also like to take this opportunity to put forth a few theories as to why our crooked-nosed little buddy might have done what he did…

• The dramatic turn Funky Winkerbean has taken was really bumming him out.
• Just got the script for Wedding Crashers II… and yes, it’s that bad.
• Was disappointed in this week’s less than compelling Weeds episode, while simultaneously disturbed by Evan Handler masturbating on Californication.
• Not actual suicide attempt… just rehearsing for next Wes Anderson film & it got out of hand.
• Only way to get Samuel L. Jackson to visit these days.
• Found out he was being replaced by Chris Tucker in all future Jackie Chan “Shanghai” films.
• Tired of bicycle fans asking for autograph. “I’m NOT Matthew McConaughey, damn you!”
• Ben Stiller keeps calling… and calling… and CALLING…
• He’s making a movie with Jennifer Aniston next, and this is preemptive grief over their future hook-up and break-up.
• No one really knows what it’s like to be Dupree… from the inside!
• He didn’t slit his wrists, it was just paper cuts from all the money he was rolling in.
• Can’t believe they forced Gonzo to resign. He’s a good man! A good man!
• Mom always liked Luke best!
• “Now you know my shame. Jedadiah’s impotent rage. His guns don’t fire. Take me away.”

Possible Catalyst?

Note: With the exception of Heathcliff, this may be the least funny talking cat ever.

*post by both Steve & J.C.

As we grind out the last few weeks, we figured it was time to take stock of what was hot this summer, besides going to rehab & the inside of your car. JUN officially brings you The Officials Of Summer 2007:

Official Beverage: Smart Water (What? You’re still drinking the dumb water?)

Official Car: The Honda Fit

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Bush Appointee: Alberto Gonzalez

Official Hard-To-Pin-Down Looney Tunes Character: Speedy Gonzalez

Official Nostalgic Year:1989

Official Hilarious Late Night Comedy Bit No One Is Watching: Craig Ferguson’s “The Rather Late Programme With Prince Charles” Bit. Seriously, It’s fucking hilarious.

Official Beer: Heineken In The Groovy Lil Keg

Official Hot Dog Topping: Bright Green Relish

Official Song / Warning Sign: Rehab

Official Joan Jett & The Blackhearts Song: This Means War!

Official Event It’s More Fun To Miss Than To Attend: Burning Man

Official Reality Show: Our Neighbors

Official Old TV Show We really Wanna Watch That No One Is Airing Right Now, Dammit: ALF

Official Cut Of Beef: Ribeye

Official Blockbuster: Transformers

Official Pez Dispenser: Garfield

Official Dead President: Garfield

Official City In New Jersey: Garfield

Official Crap Motel: Extended Stay

Official Director: Judd Aptow

Official Cliffhanger That’s Been Driving Us Crazy All Summer: Battlestar Galactica

Official T-Shirt: This one

Official Breakfast Pastry: Cheese Danish

Official Salad Dressing: Roquefort

Official Lame Duck: G.W. Bush

Official Peiking Duck: Dragon Garden

Official Classic SNL Line: “The late Mr. Lupner was born without a spine.”

Official Insult: I’m a big fan of your early work.

Official Joke: Q -What do you call the creatures growing in the garbage strewn all over the floor at Britney Spears’ house? A -Her children!

Official Celebrity Fued: Michael Vick vs. Dogs

Official Celebrity Hook-Up: Jessica Beil & Justin Timberlake

Official Celebrity Break Up: Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson

Official Celebrity Fuck-Up: Cuba Gooding Jr. In Daddy Day Camp

Official Still Not a Slut Starlet: Hillary Duff!

Official JUN Post That’s Gone On Too Long: THIS ONE!!!

Hope you all had great summers!

*post by both Steve & J.C.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

• The mystery of the whereabouts of “Rehab” singer & all-around drunken mess Amy Winehouse was cleared up this week. Her husband Blake Fielder-Civil says that the two have sought help at a “retreat” and that Amy is doing fine, and is “determined to get well.” The Bullets tried to reach the ‘retreat’ for comment, but during the conversation, Amy bashed the admitting nurse over the head with a
  coffee table she dragged out of the group therapy room, then ripped the phone out of the wall.
• It was announced Thursday that former Girls Gone Wild star and Bush daughter Jenna is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, political hack Henry Hager. The Bullets has learned from a source close to the president that The White House is already busy with wedding preparations, including renting 500 tuxes for the secret service, wire-tapping prospective guests to get a head start on the thank you cards, and sending U.S. military forces into Macy’s for a china pattern that they don’t carry.
• Paris Hilton caused a mob scene as she launched her new clothing line at the Kitson Boutique in L.A. Friday, in an event benefitting the L.A. Children’s Hospital. Paris said she’s been “really blessed by God” and she just wanted to give something back. Ya know Paris, the charity thing was nice… but we’re not sure that snowballing Adrian Grenier is the kind of giving something back that the big guy has in mind.
• Two men died at the New Jersey stop of this year’s Ozzfest on Thursday. A spokesperson for Ozzfest organizers told The Bullets, “Wow. We knew Static X sucked, but we didn’t think it would actually kill anybody.”
• Prison Break star Dominic Purcell is claiming that the upcoming third season of the hit Fox drama will be “the best season thus far.” The actor, who has also starred in Blade: Trinity & Mission Impossible II told TV Guide that everyone should really enjoy the new episodes, except for the kid Lane Garrison killed in that car accident.
• In other TV news, Nichelle “Uhuru” Nichols will join her Star Trek crewmate George “Sulu” Takei in the upcoming season of Heroes. Series creator Tim Kring has also told TV Guide that since the ashes of James “Scotty” Doohan never actually made it into space, he would like them to play the contents of an ashtray in a future episode, just as soon as they finish sweeping all of him up.
• Country singer Travis Tritt has a new album, The Storm, that critics are calling soulful, rocking, and even funky. When The Bullets reached it for comment, a mostly disinterested America said, “That guy still makes albums?”
• Speaking of new albums, The Eagles’ Long Road Out Of Eden will be retailing at Wal Mart for just $11.88, even though it’s a double CD loaded with 20 tracks. When asked why the low price, A Wal Mart representative told The Bullets, “That’s nothing. When the next Rolling Stones album comes out, we’re actually gonna pay you to take it.”
• Hottie-Boom-A-Lottie & former No Doubt front woman Gwen Stefani will extoll the joys of motherhood in a cover story in next month’s issue of InStyle magazine. Gwen even takes her 1 year old son Kingston with her on tour. We don’t really have a story here, The Bullets just wanted to give little Kingston his props… we’ve been wanting to pass through Gwen’s vagina since Tragic Kingdom.

Those are The Bullets for this week kids. Don’t take any wooden nickels… and we really shouldn’t hafta tell you that.

Never been a huge fan of the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. To me it always seemed like the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. An advertising gimmick, payed for by record companies & agents, not a genuine “honor.” And I was also dubious of the selection process. How do you induct The Clash & Patti Smith, and The Sex Pistols, but miss Television or The Buzzcocks? Why is Van Halen in, but not The Cars? Why James Taylor and not Cat Stevens? Booker T. & The M.G.s and not The Bar-Kays? See what I mean, it drives me crazy!!!

BUT…

Some of those feelings changed last week when I had the pleasure of visiting the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame & Museum. I only stayed for a day, but I could have done two, easy. And if they’d let me take my camera in… I’d probably still be there. So, regardless of the stature of the Hall Of Fame itself, there is nothing in dispute over the quality of the museum it has put together for it’s inductees.

And here are just a very few of the very many things that I saw that I will never forget:

• The guitar Pete Townshend composed most of Tommy on.
• Freddie Mercury’s white outfit with the black lightning bolts on it.
• Jimmy Hendrix’s artwork.
• Joan Jett’s red latex halter top & black converse all stars.
• The envelope that John Lennon wrote In My Life on.
• Jim Morrison’s report cards.
• Joey Ramone’s 3rd Grade class picture.
• The actual broken bass that Paul Simonon is smashing on the cover of London Calling.
• James Brown’s red velvet tuxedo.
• A letter Madonna wrote to a friend when she was at the University of Michigan in 1977, saying how bored she is, how she’s gonna drop out and move to New York, and that how when her parents find out they’re gonna kill her.
• A letter The Damned wrote to The Ramones after their first visit to London, telling them how great it was to hang out with them, and that they hope they see each other again soon.
• The actual Schoolmaster from the Pink Floyd: The Wall concerts, reaching out to grab me from behind The Wall.
• Seeing the other side of The Wall, upon which, like graffitti, Roger Waters had written a story that detailed the reasons he left Pink Floyd.
• Bono’s Fly outfit.
• Tom Petty’s Mad Hatter hat from the Don’t Come Around Here No More video.
• Z.Z. Top’s Eliminator car. That’s right… it’s just sitting there behind some velvet ropes with a sign that says “please don’t touch.” Gimme a fucking break.
• A Christmas card Jim Morrison had made for his parents when he was 12, wishing them a “Cool Yule.”
• Elvis’ first recording contract.
• Joey Ramone’s leather jacket.
• Sid Vicious’ leather pants.
• David Bowie’s Thin White Duke outfit.
• The Les Paul exhibit.
• The little kid in The Ramones t-shirt!
• The guy who put his hand on the glass over Jimi Hendrix’s coat as if it were transferring magical powers to him…
• Roy Orbison’s Red & White Corvette.
• Joe Strummers’ guitar, with all the set lists still taped to the side of it.
• The jacket John Lennon wore on the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s.
• Elvis’ Snowflake Jumpsuit.
• The goofy, fringed-leather Indian getup Roger Daltrey wore on a BBC show once.
• Michael Jackson’s Thriller zombie outfit.
• The thought that maybe, someday, someone will buy me the framed & autographed Stevie Nicks scarf hanging in the Museum Store. (it’s only $900.00!!!!)

Just Us Nerds has been quiet for a while. Like all fun ventures, it had it’s peak and has since dwindled. Today I come bearing bad news for what few readers remain. One of our nerds has passed on. Quickdog, known in real life as Timothy Quick, passed away on August 6th, 2007. He was my best friend growing up, and though he had long ago moved to Cincinnati, this site was one of the many ways we kept in touch. For those of you who know Tim, you know how much he will be missed by me and by all of his friends. As this small and unworthy tribute, here are the links to the articles he wrote here, his Flickr account and the guest book for his obituary.

Quickdog on Flickr

Guestbook

Articles
Quickdog Weighs in on the World Cup or … Why Americans Just Don’t Care!
Quickdog Weighs in on Star Trek
Quickdog Weights in on South Park

Tim in Photos…

Ten Things I Will Always Remember About Tim That Mean Nothing to Anyone Else: These are just for you buddy!

1. I think we can make it!
2. Why the water fountain at the Dairy Queen never tasted so good
3. Bush Gardens
4. How we came out even in a pack of 13 donuts
5. The graphic hole
6. Why we couldn’t play darts and Jennifer Ash’s house
7. The worst pizza ever made — twice
8. Go Marquette!
9. The Living Room
10. Why my yearbook seems awfully psychic

Oh and I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the A in Newspaper Graphics. I should have tried harder.

I’m going to miss you my friend.

Finally, I would like to link to Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation International. I sure would like to see this disease eradicated before it claims anyone else I care about.