Just Us Nerds

Dear Mr. Media,
I’ve seen the previews for Wild Hogs and it looks bad, not quite as bad as Battlefield Earth but definitely worse than Be Cool. Still, I can’t think up the proper way to insult the movie when my moron friends ask me to go see it this week. Can you help me out?
Stumped in Mesa / Phoenix

Dear SIMP,
I sympathize with your dilemma. Finding the proper insult for this movie is a challenge for most people. Luckily, I am filled to the brim with snark so I can help. Here are a few handy phrases:

• Picture the kids from Stand By me all grown up and lobotomized. Oh, and one of them is black now.
• It’s St. Elmo’s Fire for a new millennium!
• Hey William H. Macy, I’m a big fan of your early work!
• If I wanted to see four middle-aged men on motorcycles deal with their mid-life crisis, I’d visit your mother.
• I always wondered who was the better actor, Tim Allen or Martin Lawrence. Now I can finally see them head-to-head!
• Remember how John Travolta was cool, then he wasn’t, then he was again? Me either.
• So a Hollywood casting director thinks Martin Lawrence looks about the same age as William H. Macy. Maybe you should lay off the drugs Martin.
• Wow, I guess they made a movie out of Twenty Good Years.
• Hey Tim Allen, The end of your career just called, it wants to get together..