Just Us Nerds

Dear Mr. Media,
I’ve seen the previews for Wild Hogs and it looks bad, not quite as bad as Battlefield Earth but definitely worse than Be Cool. Still, I can’t think up the proper way to insult the movie when my moron friends ask me to go see it this week. Can you help me out?
Stumped in Mesa / Phoenix

Dear SIMP,
I sympathize with your dilemma. Finding the proper insult for this movie is a challenge for most people. Luckily, I am filled to the brim with snark so I can help. Here are a few handy phrases:

• Picture the kids from Stand By me all grown up and lobotomized. Oh, and one of them is black now.
• It’s St. Elmo’s Fire for a new millennium!
• Hey William H. Macy, I’m a big fan of your early work!
• If I wanted to see four middle-aged men on motorcycles deal with their mid-life crisis, I’d visit your mother.
• I always wondered who was the better actor, Tim Allen or Martin Lawrence. Now I can finally see them head-to-head!
• Remember how John Travolta was cool, then he wasn’t, then he was again? Me either.
• So a Hollywood casting director thinks Martin Lawrence looks about the same age as William H. Macy. Maybe you should lay off the drugs Martin.
• Wow, I guess they made a movie out of Twenty Good Years.
• Hey Tim Allen, The end of your career just called, it wants to get together..

Meg Ryan as an obsessive psycho stalker, yeah, I buy that.

They had me at Samuel L. Jackson as Principal Firebush. That has to be one wacky high school.

I always felt that Jaws was a misunderstood creature. He could have been a lovable pet, if only given the chance.

By gnawing through a dike, even a rat may drown a nation.
Edmund Burke

I like it when I strut.
Delta Burke

He had no failings which were not owing to a noble cause; to an ardent, generous, perhaps an immoderate passion for fame; a passion which is the instinct of all great souls.
Edmund Burke

I still have my days when I wake up and look at myself and think, You’re such a dog.
Delta Burke

I venture to say no war can be long carried on against the will of the people.
Edmund Burke

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
Delta Burke

Beauty is the promise of happiness.
Edmund Burke

Yes, I really do love tiaras.
Delta Burke

Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.
Edmund Burke

I don’t like deliberate cruelty in stand-up comics, and I was the brunt of a lot of it.
Delta Burke

He that struggles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper.
Edmund Burke

I’ll do humor about myself, I’ll poke fun and everything, but that’s me and I can do it to me. I think it’s cruel to do it to somebody else.
Delta Burke