Just Us Nerds

Dear Mr. Media,
I know this question sounds a little strange, but it’s been nagging at me for quite some time. Back in 2003, Owen Wilson made his second movie with Jackie Chan, Shanghai Knights. Ever since that movie, Jackie Chan has all but disappeared and Owen Wilson has begun to look a lot like a rotting corpse. So, can you please tell me, did Jackie Chan murder Owen Wilson?
Devoted Owen Admirer

Dear DOA,
I really don’t know how these rumors get started. Jackie Chan is one of the class acts of Hollywood and would never stoop to killing another actor just because that actor spent most of his time staring vacantly at the wall and mumbling to himself. No, Jackie and Owen even appeared together again in Chan’s 2004 movie, Around the World in Eighty Days. The real answer to your question is that Wilson was killed during filming of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou when Bill Murray beat him to death with a scuba tank for taking too long to read one of his lines (Murray claims he was just trying to wake Wilson up). Luckily for Wilson, his death has done nothing to slow down his career. Thanks to advancements in CGI technology, Wilson is booked for three upcoming movies including another movie with his old friend, Wes Anderson. The new film, The Darjeeling Limited, is expected to be one of Anderson’s best, and may even be comprehensible. As for Jackie Chan, the reason he’s not doing very many movies is because he really, really old.