Just Us Nerds

My Name is Earl: The first Must-See comedy block of the new world order begins with Earl teaching Kenny how to gamble. Earl doesn’t exactly strike me as a successful gambler, so this should be interesting.

The Office: This is the Ricky Gervais written episode. Michael finds out one of his new employees has a criminal record and handles it with discretion . . . that’s what she said. And Jim helps Andy hit on Pam.

Scrubs: They are back, Baby, and they brought the Blue Man Group. I am so excited that I am about to lose control . . . and I think I like it.

30 Rock: Tracy, the character not the actor, gets a face tattoo. Tracy the actor just got drunk and drove . . . again. I am picturing a car loaded with Tracy Morgan, Danny Devito, Michael Richards and Mel Gibson. Now that would be an episode to remember. Also, in case you’re wondering, 30 Rock won this week’s “Who gets the Extra Tivo Minute?” contest.

‘Til Death: Eddie pretends to be near death in order to get laid. Been there, done that.

Grey’s Anatomy: Burke and Cristina are feeling the strain, if you know what I mean.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God
Dragons and Harpies and Orcs – Oh My! If you like evil sorcerers bent on vengeance and fresh faced heroes out to save a kingdom, then enjoy. This one’s for you. On SciFi, of course.

Programming Note: This is the last night of sweeps. Get ready for a long, cold TV winter filled with glorious leftovers.

Christmas In Rockefeller Center – They’re lighting the Tree! Why not celebrate by getting lit yourself.

Bones – The writers over at Bones are absolutely convinced that it is never too late for a Blair Witch Project episode so here we go, into the woods with film students searching for a witch. I am so scared right now.

Jericho (Fall Finale) – It’s a manhunt Baby! Everybody wants to find Jonah. By all means, check any stray whales.

Criminal Minds – Dr. Reid bonds with an aspiring serial killer – Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Road Trip! Meanwhile, Mel Harris guest stars as a congresswoman. Has she reached fiftysomething yet?

Daybreak – Taye Diggs sees if he can fix this whole reoccurring day problem by staying up all night. I’m betting he does it shirtless.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Brokeback Mountain – Thanks to HBO you can now watch this movie from the comfort of your bedroom without anybody knowing. Feel what it’s like to be a cowboy in love.

NCIS: The team finds a baked serial killer and nary a bud. Who’s killing the killers? Word on the street is, not Dexter. Oh, and it looks like everybody is POed about the Elf Lord’s new book.

Big Day (Premiere): If you ever wondered, “what if 24 was about a wedding instead of international terrorism and homeland security?” then you are the target audience for this show. If you anyone else in the whole wide world, this probably isn’t for you. Hey ABC, turkey day was last week!

House: For the love of god, please let the Tritter storyline end! This week Tritter freezes the accounts of Foreman and Cameron (but apparently not Chase). I really had high hopes for this cat and mouse game when it started, but at this point I’m just bored. Oh, and it looks like that whole Cuddy wants a kid plotline is going to go into overdrive this week too.

My Boys (Premiere): It looks like TBS is getting into the sitcom business and if you go by the previews this girl who hangs out with boys show actually looks sort of funny. Give it a shot. I’m sure they’ll replay it at least a couple of times tonight and this week, so you’ll have plenty of opportunities.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Before Clint Eastwood made that really good western, Unforgiven, he made this kind of good western, Pale Rider. Well, it’s on AMC tonight. Clint Eastwood plays a (big surprise) drifter who comes to the aid of a small group of miners. Oh, and he dresses like a preacher which ups the creepy factor considerably.

How I Met Your Mother – If you missed last week’s Slap Bet episode, you missed perhaps the funniest sitcom half hour since Seinfeld left the air. This week we’ve got Wayne Brady as Barney’s gay brother. There are so many layers of funny involving that concept that anything less than hilarious will be a disappointment.

The Class – Richie, realizing that he may well be competing with 2.5’s Alan for most pathetic sitcom character ever, refuses to even leave his car.

The Bachelor (season finale) – It’s the final countdown as two women hold their breath to find out which one of them won’t have to pretend to be in love with this doofus any longer.

Heroes – The show that can do no wrong decides it’s time to time travel and we’re all heading back to six months ago. Will Hiro save the waitress, save the pie?

Two and a Half Men – Khandi uses sex to keep Alan from selling her condo . . . and you thought she was stupid.

Studio 60: The cast gets the flu and Matt has to deal with the fallout of losing most of his writing staff – which can’t be too big a deal since he pretty much ignored them anyway. Also, Jordan’s pregnant! Could there BE any more plot?

Threshold – SciFi is going to show all the unaired episodes from last season’s tragically canceled Threshold. I’m still wondering how a smart, cool show starring the likes of Peter Dinklage, Carla Gugino and Brent Spiner could fail to find an audience but in my opinion it was the best show to premiere last year.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

If you haven’t seen North by Northwest during on of its first 8,768,902 showings on cable, it’s on again tonight. Also, one of the Spanish-language channels is showing Aliens. In case you can’t tell, this is not a good night for movies.

I love comedy. Comedy Central is my favorite cable channel and I find myself watching it just about every day. I also love stand-up comedy. There is something magical about a single person standing on stage and connecting with an audience. That said, I’ve been avoiding comedy clubs for years. I love the comics, but I hate the clubs.

Laffs, the comedy club in Tucson is a perfect example of why I hate comedy clubs. It is horribly smoky (something that will be settled come May when the new anti-smoking bill goes into effect in Arizona). The seats are uncomfortable. The tables are long and square which makes it impossible to view the comics from anything but an angle. The drinks and the food are overpriced and the club keeps recycling the same comics over and over. None of these issues, however, would keep me from going.

The reason I absolutely hate to go is the people. Not only are we packed in like sardines, but the sardines I am packed with are rude jerks. Just before the show begins, the loudspeaker intones “Laffs is a 100% heckle-free zone” It orders people to turn off their cell phones and to go out to the bar if they want to talk among themselves. The voice goes on to say that hecklers will be escorted out. That voice is lying.

Every show I’ve been to has been filled with people who seem to think they are at home watching TV. They talk among themselves in loud voices. They take phone calls. They heckle. They generally make asses of themselves and nobody does anything about it.

On Friday, November 17th, hecklers drove Michael Richards over the edge. I am not implying that what he said was justified. Richards went ballistic and he did so in a racial way. Richards did not have the right to say what he said.

Nonetheless, the hecklers deserved to be insulted. They deserved to be cursed. The deserved to be thrown out and they should have been thrown out. They should have been called every insult Richards could think of, except for the ones he used. I have no sympathy for these people, especially now that they’ve gotten one of those slimy publicity-hound lawyers to demand that they be compensated. Compensated?

I’m not going to let Richards off the hook for what he did, but these guys don’t deserve one moment of sympathy and they certainly don’t deserve compensation. They are the assholes who helped Michael Richards bury himself. His career will never recover and the stigma will haunt him personally for the rest of his life. That’s what Richards deserves. The hecklers who drove him over the edge don’t deserve squat.

I doubt I’ll be heading to a comedy club anytime soon. Even if the smoke were gone, the seats were comfortable and the prices were reasonable, the place would still be filled with assholes, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Jericho – The red-state version of Lost continues its post-apocalyptic paranoia-fest. This week food falls from the sky. Knowing that only liberals would give away food, the townspeople panic.

Madonna: The Confessions Tour – Madonna continues her life-long quest to piss off God. Unfortunately, NBC won’t show her desecrating a cross so for the most part the point will be lost on the public. On the plus side, we might get to hear Lucky Star. I love that song.

Show Me the Money – Speaking of the paranoia and lucky stars, Shatner hosts this glorious money-orgy complete with dancing girls a trivia questions. Watch to see if this is finally the week Shatner flips out.

Criminal Minds – This week the gang takes a break from serial killers to smoke out a terrorist cell. I wonder if there will be an insanely restrictive time limit.

Day Break – For those who are pissed off that Lost isn’t on tonight, all I can say is that Day Break rocks. Give the show a chance. If your worried about the whole Groundhog Day thing, don’t, Taye Diggs is far from invincible and he has the bullet-hole to prove it.

Real World: Denver (season premiere) – If you ever wanted a glimpse of the excitement and depravity that is Denver, here is your chance. By the way, if you’re counting, this is the eighteenth edition. If Pedro had to die, why can’t this show? Bring back Undressed.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Diamonds are Forever – The movie pickings are pretty slim tonight, but this is actually one of my favorite Bond movies. Bond goes to Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas saves the world . . . again. This is the second (and best) of Connery’s three final bond movies.

Tony Bennett: An American Classic – Tony left his heart in San Francisco. I left most of my cash and a part of a dot.com. Either way, the man can sing and it should be a fun evening of music and congratulatory rhetoric.

American Music Awards – Speaking of music and congratulatory rhetoric, the American Music Awards will be celebrating the year in music. Where else can you see Black Eyed Peas duke it out with The Isley Brothers for favorite band? Where else can Nickelback. Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers all be considered alternative? Where else can you see the Dixie Chicks get completely ignored for daring to insult George Bush? Well, perhaps at the Grammy Awards, but they aren’t on tonight.

NCIS: Well, I guess I should give them credit for going two weeks without an episode that has one of the NCIS team smack in the middle of a crime. I should, but I can’t. Seriously, if the team is in the middle of this many crimes, maybe the team is the problem.

House: Oh that detective Tritter! He’s at it again, making Wilson miserable. You have to admire his methods, they are so House-like. Patrick Fugit (That cute kid from Almost Famous) is the patient de jour.

Standoff: Ron Livingston is still trying to add a Swinger’s vibe to a fairly depressing and tense crime drama. It still isn’t working. To do it right they need the whole gang, Livingston, Van Horn, Favreau, and Vaughn. That would be one hell of a cop show. This week, Matt gets a stalker. Relax, it isn’t Heather Graham.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Election – E! the network that requires an exclamation mark, is showing one of the darkest high-school comedies ever made (Heathers is still darker though). Matthew Broderick plays the teacher who conspires to fix a student body election just because Reese Witherspoon is so annoying.

How I Met Your Mother – Robin has a dark secret in her past that involves the Mall. Sure, it will probably have something to do with Tiffany but maybe, just maybe, it will be a Dawn of the Dead reference.

He’s a Bully Charlie Brown – Charlie Brown leads the gang on mission of vengeance after Schroeder gets jumped by a rival gang while getting teabagged by Linus in an alley behind the school – pretty brutal stuff for a cartoon, if you ask me. Wait, no, I think I’m getting it confused with an episode of Oz. It’s just Charlie Brown trying to win back some marbles.

Two and a Half Men – Alan and Charlie go on a double date while leaving Jake Home Alone. I wonder if anything will go wrong?

Heroes: Hiro goes back in time to work at a restaurant. I picture him learning to make some awesome blueberry pancakes, starting a new mantra – Stir the batter, save the world.

Studio 60: Ricky and Ron quit the show. Damn, is Evan Handler ever going to find a steady gig? Plus, what is the point of Ricky and Ron finally earning Matt’s respect if they are just gonna leave the show?

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Doc Hollywood: The Hallmark Channel is showing my favorite Michael J. Fox movie. Fox basically reprises his Alex P. Keaton role, except as a doctor. He gets stuck in a small southern town where he learns a little about life and love from the cranky town doctor and the smoking hot ambulance driver. Julie Warner was never cuter than she was in this movie and Barnard Hughes makes for a great crusty old doctor. There are also a couple of nice performances by Woody Harrelson and Bridget Fonda in smaller roles. Overall, this is just a fun movie to watch.

Friday

Deal or No Deal: Two sisters are playing for twice the money! Don’t believe it. Adding the two-million dollar amount at the bottom does not mean they are playing for twice the money. Statistically their probable earnings have improved only about seven percent and they are going to have to split whatever they earn. The banker has really pulled a fast one this time.

ESPN College Basketball: Coaches vs. Cancer: I’m really rooting for the coaches, but the point spread is WAY in favor of Cancer.

NUMB3RS: The plot has something to do with sinkholes. It pretty much looks like a loser. Even worse, Kathy Najimy is coming out of Veronica’s Closet to join the cast as the new head of Cal-Sci’s Physics, Math and Astronomy program. I do not like this, Sam I Am.

Monk: Monk meets his Dad. For some reason they are showing this one episode in the middle of November and then no more new ones until the New Year. I haven’t a clue why. On the plus side, Monk’s father is Nick Tortelli from Cheers. If he can’t make you laugh, he’ll eat a bug.
Update: Apparently it’s a Christmas episode, thats why they’re airing it in November. Of course, I would think December would have been a better choice, but what do I know?

Saturday

Inspector Mom: That Winnie Cooper girl from The Wonder Years bakes cookies and solves murders. It’s on Lifetime, and I only recommend it because once again Saturday Night sucks eggs.

Saturday Night Live: I guess Ludacris is both the musical guest and the guest host. So if you want to spend a lot of time watching Ludacris, this is your opportunity.

Sunday

Reba (Season Premiere): I think you’ll understand the mildness of my compliment when I say that the funniest show on the CW is back. Watch as Reba inexplicably continues to do favors for her useless ex-husband and makes that face where her mouth is kind of like an O, I think she got it from I Love Lucy.

The Simpsons: Do you remember when Moe took credit for the Flaming Homer? Well, picture the same episode except instead of taking credit for something Homer did, Moe takes credit for something Lisa did and instead of Aerosmith, the guests are Gore Vidal, Michael Chabon, Tom Wolfe and Jonathan Franze. Seriously, can this show be allowed to die yet, or at least let the characters age?

7th Heaven: Eric and Annie convince Ruthie to give up on her hopes and dreams reluctantly return to the show. I mean, come back from “Scotland”.

Family Guy: It looks like Meg may actually have a speaking role this week. Let’s hear it for Meg! Apparently Lois is going to teach Sex Ed at the high school. I’m sure she’ll do so with taste and discretion. Meg is going to take an abstinence pledge but find a loophole. I wonder what hole that loop will be in?

This Weekend’s Pick N’ Flick

Tombstone: You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed? TNT is showing the best Western of the nineties (face it, you’d rather watch this than Unforgiven) with Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp and Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday. Everyone knows the plot, the key to this movie was all of the quotable lines. I’ll be your huckleberry…

My Name is Earl: Christian Slater plays a stoner. Now I understand what he’s been doing research for all these years. Part of the show is in claymation or foamation or whatever it is they used for Celebrity Deathmatch.

Smallville: For a moment I was excited because I thought Arizona Diamondbacks’ pitcher Miguel Batista was going to appear on the show, but apparently Batista is a wrestler. Anyway, he plays a guy with the power to suck the bones right out of people’s bodies. To paraphrase Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Finally, a guy on the show who is supposed to suck. I’ll give them credit though; he looks über-creepy in the previews.

‘Til Death: Steph has an erotic dream about Eddie. I hate to say it, but if she’s having erotic dreams about Brad Garret, she probably needs to go into counseling. At the very least she is suffering from PTSD.

Ugly Betty: Betty is torn between work and home on Halloween. I assume she can’t figure out which place she should screw things up at more. Special guest appearance by Martha Stewart, who I assume will teach Betty how to fashion a decorative shiv.

The Office: It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Jim finally comes back to Scranton and nails Pam in the men’s room by the light of the cookie candle. OK, only the first part is going to happen but the second part is what should happen.

CSI: Identical twins who have never met are murdered on the same night. Which line will come first? Looks like we’re working the same case or only in Vegas?

Grey’s Anatomy: Meredith wants to have a more positive outlook on life. I just want the ho-bag to stop sleeping around.

Barbara Walters Special 30 Mistakes in 30 Years: Please tell me the show is hosted by her talking dog Cha-Cha.

ER: There’s no sign of Forest Whitaker in the cast of tonight’s episode, so you may consider it safe to watch . . . for now.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Dr. Dolittle 3: It’s straight to video and Eddie Murphy free. If you really love talking animals but you just couldn’t stand to watch Eddie Murphy betray the last shreds of his talent in order to regain commercial success, then this is the talking animal movie for you. Bonus: it’s on ABC Family so if you have a bladder infection you’ll have lots of time to use the bathroom without missing a moment of the film.

Bones: You know that really great episode of CSI in which Nick gets buried alive? Well, I guess the Bones people think they can top it by burying Bones AND Hodges alive. The CSI episode gave the show a depth and resonance that it had lacked for a long time. It captured fear, hope and desperation a way that few shows or even movies ever have. I’m thinking the Bones episode will be funnier.

Dancing with the Stars (Season Finale): Will it be Mario or Emmett? Mario is so good but Emmett has come so far . . . rumor is the loser has to watch the Britney/Kfed video. Let me know how it turns out.

Criminal Minds: A pair of Saint Louis serial killers become bitter rivals. I hope those two crazy kids can work things out. I think they would be much better off as friends. Oh, and a new set of gams joins the team. They are attached to Paget Brewster as FBI Special Supervisory Agent Emily Prentiss. Nice work legs!

Medium (Season Premiere): Patricia Arquette is back, but she’s cut her hair and we all know that spells doom for any TV show. Never change the hair, especially if you don’t have many other attractive features. Oh well, it could be worse. She could have made a sex video with Kfed.

I Pity the Fool (Season Finale): It’s easy to have a season finale when your season is only six episodes long. I’m not really counting on this show getting renewed, so if you’re the sort of person who loves Mr. T, (I’m looking at you Steve) then you might want to tune in while you still have a chance.

South Park (Season Finale): Stan relives every cringe-worthy Bad News Bears / A League of Their Own / Mighty Ducks / Cool Runnings cliché you can think of as he tries to coach the South Park pee wee hockey team to the championship. Didn’t we get enough of this with the “You Got Served” episode or the ski trip episode or the Big Gay Al Episode? I guess not.

Laguna Beach (Season Finale): One last chance to get a look at snotty rich kids living messed up lives. That is, if you don’t count the other thirty or so shows about the same thing. My suggestion, go reread Less Than Zero. Keep a Maxim nearby in case you miss the eye candy.

Drawn Together (Season Finale): If you like poop jokes, barf jokes, racism, sexism, homophobia, cartoons and reality shows, don’t miss the last episode of the season for Drawn Together.

Day Break (Series Premiere): Taye Diggs has to live the same day over and over again, facing death and emotional devastation at every turn. At least he doesn’t spend each day having to feign attraction to Angela Basset.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

John Wayne / John Ford Movie Marathon

If you love John Wayne or John Ford then you have got to be watching TCM tonight. They are showing Fort Apache, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, Rio Grande, The Horse Soldiers, Donovan’s Reef and The Long Voyage Home. Those six movies would be a career for most actors or directors, but for these two they are just six drops in a mighty big bucket. The two Johns made twenty films together and over 300 films combined.

Friday Nights Lights — It’s the homecoming episode. If their homecoming is anything like my high school’s homecomings, the team will get butchered on the field and the dance afterwards will be sparsely attended by the band geeks and the drama club while the football players are off getting laid despite their inability to score a single touchdown.

Gilmore Girls — Christopher and Lorelai go to France. You know what that means. Somebody break out the stock footage!

NCIS – The team works to clear the name of a homeless Marine. It sounds like a good episode (glad to see a second week that isn’t all about a member of the staff being framed or attacked) but what happened to last week’s bomber? I guess they’ll get to that again another time.

House – You know that guy in a coma who has basically been a prop since the first episode? It looks like they’re finally going to try to figure out what happened to him. Meanwhile, Detective Tritter continues to see if he can send House elsewhere.

Show me The Money (Series Premiere) – Tune in for your morbid fascination with William Shatner, stay for the half-naked dancers.

3 LBS (Series Premiere) – Brain Surgeons? I’m looking forward to another medical drama about as much as I would look forward to a catheter, but Stanley Tucci is a great actor, so I’m going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt in what looks like a cross between Chicago Hope and House with a generous helping of Nip/Tuck.

Nip/Tuck – Speaking of the venerable plastic surgery sausagefest, It’s the year 2026 and a twenty-year old Conner McNamera deals with life. Seriously. They are doing a flash forward. If it were any other show I would be worried that they have finally gone off the tracks (trying to avoid a shark reference). Wait . . . I AM WORRIED.

Tonight’s Pick N’ Flick

Bull Durham
Comedy Central
Remember when people actually got excited about a new Kevin Costner movie? Remember when the concept of Kevin Costner playing a baseball player was only getting a little stale? Remember when Susan Sarandon was still a little bit sexy and Tim Robbins was just that dumb guy and not that dumb guy who keeps butting his head into politics? Well, welcome to Bull Durham, for my money the best baseball movie ever made. Sadly, Comedy Central edits out all the best cuss words (and there are some doozies) but it’s still more fun than most actual nights at the ballpark. Lots of great lines and great speeches, but this is the one I love best.

Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

How I Met Your Mother –Sweeps are upon us so we get the inevitable marriage tease. Marshall and Lily go to Atlantic City for a quickie wedding. How much you want to bet there will be some wacky complications?

Class – I would love to tell you what is going on this week but I am pretty confused myself. Something about one person pretending to be another person and a birthday party for Oprah . . . not THE Oprah. Man, this show is a mess.

Prison Break — T-Bag gets his revenge on his tormentors. I’m hoping it involves show tunes.

Heroes – You know that eclipse the junkie keeps painting? This is the week. Oh, and Hiro goes to another diner. What’s with that guy and diners?

Two and a Half Men – Alan turns a jog on the beach into a disaster. It’s just one more step in his ongoing quest to become the biggest loser in the history of television.

Studio 60 – More fear and loathing in Parhump as Tom stands trial for speeding and drug possession. Will he tell the dark secret behind his actions? Will John Goodman dress up as Linda Tripp? Will a sketch on the show actually be funny? Tune in and find out.

What About Brian – After over a month of Angelo being “on the phone”, the producers finally killed him off. Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, Brian also deals with the closure of Zap Monkey.

Weekend Viewing Highlights

Friday

1 vs. 100: In a very special episode of 1 vs. 100, Bob Saget is injured when he tries to break up a fight between a trekkie and an Emo. Ken Jennings must perform emergency surgery to save his life. Wait, I think I’m getting it confused with last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. Sorry, it’s just questions and answers at a slow-assed pace — same as always.

Ghost Whisperer: An angry ghost sets a restaurant on fire. Please tell me it’s an Applebee’s! Special guest appearance by Jay Mohr as a guy who used to have a pretty good career.

Vanished: Senator Collins holds a press conference . . . gripping.

Battlestar Galactica: Jamie Bamber finally loses the frakking fat suit. Thank Gods.

Men in Trees: Marin discovers that real men hate to be written about. Special appearance by Jewel. Warning: Jewel will almost certainly sing.

Numb3rs: Charlie stumbles on a statistical way to determine which baseball players use steroids. Special guest appearance by . . . hmmmm, not one actual major league baseball player in the whole episode? I guess they’re still a little sensitive about the steroids thing. Bill Nye is on this week though.

Pick of the Week

MXC: It’s an all new season of MXC. Tune in to see even more Japanese people take blows to the head and groin, dive into raw sewage and get pummeled by giant papier-mâché boulders. Don’t pretend you won’t be watching.

Saturday

There’s really nothing to watch. I suggest you get drunk and try to synch up random albums with Wizard of Oz. I suggest Ozzie’s Diary of a Madman.

Sunday

60 Minutes: I’m guessing they’ll be paying tribute to Ed Bradley. He earned it.

AFV: Like MXC except with a pet segment and less skillful dubbing.

7th Heaven: Eric and Annie head to Scotland to bring Ruthie home. With their budget I’m betting Scotland looks a lot like Southern California. Warning: Jewel sometimes shows up and sings on this show too.

American Dad: It’s all about online role playing games. Don’t accuse them of copying South Park. Knowing AD’s lead time, this episode was probably written a year ago. Nerd Alert: Special guest stars Curtis Armstrong and Eddie Kay Thomas.

Family Guy: Brian dates a beautiful woman with zero intelligence. In a real piece of casting against type, Drew Barrymore plays the dumb girl. Nice work Drew.

Desperate Housewives: Just in case you thought the Housewives were old and ugly, Dixie Carter makes a special appearance to remind you of how much worse it could get.

My Name is Earl: All hell breaks loose when Joy discovers that Darnell is in the witless, errr, make that witness protection program. Earl makes up for the time he shot a man just to watch him die . . . either that or he put garbage in a mailbox — hard to say from the previews.

Smallville: Dressed as the Green Arrow, Clark makes out with Lois. Boy, that Clark is sure one kinky bastard. I wonder if he slipped her some supertongue?

The Office: They are closing the Scranton Branch. Yeah, I don’t buy it for a second either.

Survivor: There’s a mutiny! Tune in on the off chance that Jeff Probst gets shived.

’til Death: Jeff’s mother comes to visit. Hmmmm, I wonder if she’ll be domineering.

Ugly Betty: Betty will be miserable but plucky. It doesn’t really matter though because Salma Hayek is the guest star. Mmmmmmmm, Salma Hayek. Ugly Betty, meet smokin’ hot Salma.

CSI: Gil gets another miniature crime scene in a box. He thinks there’s a serial killer. I think there’s gotta be something else on.

Deal or No Deal: Somebody could win a million dollars. Nobody will, but somebody could.

Fashion House: Hey, if there’s even a small chance of Morgan Fairchild bitch-slapping Bo Derek, count me in.

Grey’s Anatomy: The hunky doctors all go camping. (Note: Insert Brokeback Mountain reference here.)

Shark: For those of you who wonder if Sebastian Stark has ever lost a case, the answer is yes. This week he gets to try to turn that around. I wonder if he’ll break the rules to do it? Nah.

ER: Forest Whitaker is still guest starring. I’ll let you know when it is safe to watch again. Damn you to hell Whitaker!