The second episode held together much better than the first. The characters were more coherent and the goal (Let’s put on a show!) was more evident. Also, Evan Handler joined the cast (he may have been around last week but I don’t remember him) and he is always a big plus although I hope they make better use “Matt and Danny’s Butt Boy”. The chemistry between Matt, Danny and Jordan is great. Together they make for a good team. On the downside, however, was the whole Christianity plot. I am all for exploring the censorship problem on TV today, but the whole controversy seems a bit contrived. Also, in what world would Harriet be considered a good Christian? She prays. I get that. But does she ever NOT do something because of her religion? From what I can tell she drinks, has sex and happily appears in sketches that mock her faith. I’m not saying any of those things are wrong, I’m just wondering if there is any more to her faith than praying for a good show, trying to make money in the Christian music racket and getting pissed off when anyone else mocks her faith. Overall, I can’t wait for the show to drift away from the Christianity plot. I can feels this show’s potential which is why I am disappointed that it is falling short. Overall Grade: B.
The Outdoor Life Network, the network that up until last year seemed to focus solely on the killing of animals, has changed its name to Versus. Network president Gavin Harvey said “Versus captures the essence of our brand, we felt it was a slam dunk, and sports fans we talked to all agreed.” Yes, he actually said that. He called it a slam dunk. This would be a great metaphor, if there was any basketball on Versus. As it is, we’re gonna have to make due with arena football, hockey (Remember hockey? They’re playing again) and um . . . lacrosse? Good luck Versus. I think you’d have been better off calling yourself The Ocho.
I’ve seen the previews for this fall’s movies, and excited is not the word for it. Appalled might be better. Well, I figured with a little help we could save the season so I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting some new taglines for these cinematic masterpieces.
Grudge 2
This time it’s personal. Oh wait, it’s a grudge. I guess it’s by definition personal. Well. It’s personal again!
Bring it On: All or Nothing
Hot young girls! Oh, and we did a movie too!
Jackass 2
It’s Jackassier!
Hollywoodland
Trust us, Ben Affleck doesn’t suck in this! Seriously!
Stranger than Fiction
Way better than Strangers with Candy, or that movie with John Candy!
Flicka
Take a friend!
Dreamgirls
As far as we can tell, Queen Latifa isn’t in this one!
Apocolypto
We’re contractually obligated!
Casino Royale
No matter what you do, we aren’t bringing back Brosnan so would you please just give it a try?
The Black Dahlia
Come for Scarlett Johansson, stay for the freaky-assed camera angles!
For Your Consideration
The funniest movie you’re not going to bother to go see this fall!
49 Up
As good as 7 Up, 14 Up, 21 Up, 28 Up, 35 Up and 42 Up . . . combined!
In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by our gmail inbox, you haven’t) The Bullets is on a brief hiatus. It’s not something that was planned… but you see, we’ve been recruited by a super secret paramilitary arm of Mossad to help them foil an evil plot by Mel Gibson to stop Rosh Hoshana. The call went out, and we answered. We can’t go into details here, but someday you’ll see it all in the made for USA movie The Year There Almost Wasn’t A Rosh Hoshana, starring Rob Schnieder, Jackie Mason, and Charro. For now, we must go. It all goes down at sunset… wish us luck.
We’ll return in a couple weeks with more lame jokes about what assholes celebrities are. Untill then: COURAGE.
The new season is underway and here are some thoughts, handily boiled down into easily manageable snark bites.
Family Guy: When Stewie and Brian get together it is usually funny as hell. Not this time. The only thing less funny than hack radio DJs is comedy ABOUT hack radio DJs. I liked the hot dogs though. Not a good start to the season but at least they aren’t shackled to any stupid new plot developments.
Two and a Half Men: Let’s See. Alan Gets Married. Alan wins half a million dollars. Alan gets a divorce. Alan tailspins into a self-indulgent depression. That could have been an entire season’s arc, but instead it was just one show. That’s bad enough, but guess which plot element took most of the episode? That’s right, Alan in a whiney depression. Been there, done that. So many comedic possibilities squandered just so that we can put the characters exactly where they were when the series started. Nice job Chuck Lorre. Even Dharma was allowed to change over time pal.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Wow. That was a bold move spending the first fifteen minutes of your show on a character who won’t be on the show. Bold enough to chase away about three million viewers by the half hour break. That’s a shame too, because that was when you finally allowed the best thing about your show, Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford, to make an appearance. They were awesome. Never let them stay off the screen that long again.
House: Here is another show that was in a big, big hurry to jump over huge plot developments. They got House walking again, he even ran for eight miles! I can’t run for eight damn miles. I can’t run for one mile. Yeah, he went from that to back on the cane by the end of episode two. Nice work guys. Why not explore his being healthy for say, two or even three episodes before sticking him back in hell.
Bones: Damn I hate the new chick. Did we really need more tension on the show? They dig up bodies for Christ sakes. Do they have to fight at work in order to make the show interesting? The show used to be, dare I say it, fun. Now it is just tedious.
The Office: Jim took the transfer. Didn’t see that coming! It was cool that the first show really didn’t focus on Jim and Pam but rather Oscar. Oscar got outed, and of course it was Michael who did it. Love that Jim sent them a Gaydar. Love the look on Pam’s face at the end. The laugh followed by the regret. Nice acting!
Shark: Spike Lee directed it. He should have written it. You can only do so much with a great director and actor. What you can’t do is fix a terrible script. God, I could have written this on the back of a piece of cardboard. Woods rules though. If anyone can keep this ship afloat it is him.
Survivor: Yeah, segregated races. Big deal. They kicked off two fat guys in a row. Fat discrimination is the true American heritage.
Barbara Walters is claiming her dog “Cha-Cha” talks to her. Unlike the rest of the rational world, I’m willing to believe her. After all, I did interview J. Fred Muggs once (and he had a little something to say about Babs as well). Unfortunately, Babs went on to claim the dog said “I love you.” That I can’t buy. Talking animals are one thing, but any creature loving Barbara Walters . . . that’s just crazy. So, here are some things I think the dog might have, or at least should have, said to Babs.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would I have just peed on?
Evil, evil is your one and only name.
I smell death creeping slowly over you.
Your fingers are cold, just like your heart.
They’re all out to get you Barbara; they’re all out to get you.
Pop quiz hotshots! Let’s say you’re a bunch of rock fogies who want one more shot at fame, money, underage girls, and oh yeah . . . making music. Now, let’s further stipulate that there’s a summer reality show that is willing to give your “new band” exposure. If this were the case, wouldn’t you want to give your band a good name? And as part of that process, wouldn’t you check and make sure the name of your band isn’t already taken? Not if you’re the CBS frankenband formerly known as Supernova, who lost the first in what will probably be a series of court battles against the Orange County-based punk band that first started calling themselves Supernova a mere 17 years ago. Here’s a hint for you fogies. All the one word band names are taken. It’s kind of like domain names on the Internet. Do you think justusnerds.com was our first choice? No, but sadly, horny.com was taken. After a thorough search we settled on a three word name that wasn’t already taken. Good luck, artists formerly known as Supernova, because you are really going to need it.
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
So, has it come to this? Have you stopped looking inward and started looking outward to find your pleasures. Have you grown that distant? Congratulations! That personal fulfillment crap wasn’t doing you any good anyway. Life is a party and you are three drinks behind partner. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frank Sivero
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Say, you’re looking pretty good this week. Your breath smells better, your hair is shinier and your teeth haven’t sparkled like that in months. Did you get some work done? No, of course you didn’t. What you did do was embrace the inner you that makes you so you and you should feel proud of that you brave, brave you. Your lucky veteran character actor is Bruce McGill.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Did you play the game again this week? Did you play it well? Did you get what you wanted? Keep telling yourself that it will all work out in the end. Go ahead. I want to hear you say it right now. Be proud of who you are, whether you are worth being proud of or not. Your lucky veteran character actor is Stephen Tobolowsky.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
How long has it been since you watched Sesame Street? That show has changed over the years. They’ve even weaned Cookie Monster off of cookies. That seems a bit odd doesn’t it? Kind of like what has been going on in your life lately. You didn’t think I’d noticed did you? Oh, I noticed. You’d better shape up. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kurtwood Smith.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
There isn’t enough lotion in the world to make that icky feeling go away so stop trying. You need to learn to live inside your skin because you are stuck there. Accept your flaws. Embrace your strengths and get your ass back on track. Your lucky veteran character actor is Kevin Dunn.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Have you ever wondered what Superman would be like if he had Batman’s personal history? What would have happened if Jonathan and Martha Kent had been wealthy urbanites gunned down in front of Clark’s eyes? What would have happened if a young Clark had fallen into the Bat Cave? What would have happened if Clark had a personal fortune that was measured in the billions? I’ll tell you what would have happened; Superman would have been the coolest superhero ever. Think about that the next time you whine about your personal life. Your lucky veteran character actor is Terence Stamp.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
So the other day I was walking into the grocery store and I was accosted by a young woman who wanted me to carry her bags out to the car. I am a gentleman, so I did it, but I still feel the request was a bit out of line. Random acts of helpful generosity take their toll. Your lucky veteran character actor is Brian Smiar.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
The amount of rage a person feels is roughly parallel to the amount of love they have to give, if that person is a raging psychopath. Quit telling yourself that love and anger are intertwined. Learn to let love be happy. Making yourself miserable is a sign that you are a moron. Your lucky veteran character actor is Donald Moffat.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
I keep telling the people at the laundromat that light starch is as much starch as I will ever want or need, but once again my shirt feels like a plate of armor. Who do you have to wash around here to get a decent shirt? Oh the rinse cycle has been cruel to me over the years. Speaking of cruel, I don’t think you should be using your friends like doormats. I just thought you should know. Your lucky veteran character actor is Charles Lane.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? Are you more of a stalker or a stalkee? Try to get stalked more often and to cut down on the amount of stalking that you yourself do. You’ll be proud of yourself for the change and everyone who is stalking you will be impressed as well. Your lucky veteran character actor is Earl Cameron.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Clean your room. Do all your chores. Eat everything on your plate and stop listening to that noise you call music. I’m serious. I will put you in time out if you don’t start shaping up, and if you know anything about time out, you know that you are in no way ready for that kind of torture. Do you get the point? Your lucky veteran character actor is Phillip Baker Hall.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Whatever you think you know, just remember that a rotten tomato is far better than a fresh one, at least when it comes to throwing. You’ve been walking along the edge of darkness for some time now, and I am proud of you. It is only when you fall into the abyss that you can truly appreciate what you mean to yourself. Nice work. Your lucky veteran character actor is Frankie Faison.
We here at Just Us Nerds are saddened to mourn the passing of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Was Steve Irwin recklessly foolish? Yes. Was Steve Irwin out of his gourd? Probably. Did anybody pick stingray in the Steve Irwin dead pool? Sadly, no. Did we love the little crazy dude? Yes. Yes we did.
Steve Irwin was great precisely because we all knew he was one bad move away from the great habitat in the sky. He wrestled alligators; he grabbed snakes by the tail; he let scorpions crawl on him. He had a great time and we had a great time watching him but we all know that playing with deadly animals gets you killed. Sorry mate.
Let us leave you with our favorite quote from the man, the legend, Steve Irwin.
Crikey, mate. You’re far safer dealing with crocodiles and western diamondback rattlesnakes than the executives and the producers and all those sharks in the big MGM building.
I know what you’re wondering. Why hasn’t there been a J.C.’s Media Roundup since June? The answer is that I went on a media diet. I made a solemn vow this summer not to be so media obsessed. I cut my TV watching down from fifty hours a week to a scant twenty. I avoided any summer blockbusters without at least one superhero and stuck to small earnest efforts that were in no way associated with artistic merit – thanks Beerfest! I even allowed my wife to read a couple of issues of Entertainment Weekly before me. It was hard, but I feel I am a better person for it. I am definitely suffering from a buildup of snark, however, and it is time to let some of it loose before I fall Tits over Ass.
She canna’ handle much more CGI Captain! Since the folks over at the Star Trek studios ran out of fresh ideas about ten years ago and stale ideas about two years ago, they have decided to go back and pretty-up the original series. All those cheesy sets and bad makeup jobs that we nerds held so dear to our hearts will be replaced by glossy, fake-assed looking CGI. Congratulations Michael Okuda! I’m glad to see you found another way to suck off the Star Trek teat without adding anything of value.
EW released a list of the top 25 sidekicks of all time. Ed McMahon was number one, and that is as it should be, but Ron Weasley AND Hermione Granger at number eleven? That’s got to be some kind of rules violation. One sidekick per customer, that’s what I always say.
Apparently Honda has produced a car with a mullet. Nice job Honda! Let me know when you get it to spit tobacco and nail its sister.
You, Me and Dupree needed more gunplay and at least one shot of Kate Hudson naked and playing the drums. There, I said it.
So, who had a worse summer? Tom Cruise, Floyd Landis or the housing market? All I know is that I’m rooting for the collapse of all three.
So this week finally brought the ouster of Angela from Project Runway. Since week two I have waited for this whiny, unqualified, rosette-loving fashion psycho to hit the road and I finally got my wish. It’s the first time I’ve ever cheered at somebody getting kicked off the show. My pick to go all the way? How can I not root for a guy named Michael Knight? Even when he isn’t winning challenges, he is closer to the top than the bottom. My dark horse is Kanye, the goofy white-trash designer whose catty comments are actually funny. Next to go? I’m looking at you Vincent. Oh, and I wouldn’t get too comfortable Uli, every one of your outfits looks the same and the judges will eventually call you on it.
Kyle XY finished up its first summer season and I have to say it was more interesting than anything the networks had to offer. It is kind of an X-Files lite (complete with Krycek) about a teenage boy with no memories – just a computer-like brain, the body of a superhero and some sort of super-secret agency that wants to kill him. Oh, and did I mention it’s a family drama? Pass the Sour Patch Kids and enjoy the show. I’m sure ABC Family will be rerunning it endlessly.
I don’t know how long it will hold, but at this point the movie Crossover is running a 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. How can you make a movie that nobody likes? How does it feel to get up the next morning?
If there are any new network dramas this fall that are not about cops, lawyers, doctors, or some extended “mystery” that will never get solved because the show is going to be canceled after ten episodes, would you please raise your hand?
No, not you Studio 60. You are a TV show about a TV show. I can’t give points for that.
Ugly Betty, no, you are not a drama. If you are, then drama is in big trouble.
Anybody? Men in Trees? That’s the name of a show? Again, can’t be a drama.
That leaves Friday Night Lights. It’s a show about a small-town high school football team in Texas. Congratulations! You are our winner. And it only took a book and a movie for you to make it to TV. Nice work.
“If Clark wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person.
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…and deep down, I’m not”
A bronze representation of what little Suri Cruise’s shit might look like will be on display at Capla Kesting Fine Art, in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district. The piece is called “Bronzed Baby Poop” and will be auctioned on eBay, with proceeds going to the March Of Dimes. Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise will bronze little Suri herself, and sell her on eBay with all proceeds going to the March Of Insane Hollywood Fuck-faces In Werido Made-up Religions.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, Brooke Sheilds says that he appologized to her for his psycho rant about her taking anti-depressants. No word yet on when we get an appology for Days Of Thunder.
In music news, this year’s Farm Aid benefit concert will feature polka superstar Jimmy Sturr and his orchestra. The band was booked as a part of the Farm Aid organization’s concerted efforts to find artists even less relevant than John Melencamp and Dave Matthews.
Erstwhile West Wing president Martin Sheen has enrolled at National University Galway, in Ireland. The actor is pursuing a bachelor of arts degree, and will study English literature and oceanography. Classes started yesterday, and by last night Charlie Sheen had already thrown an empty keg of Guiness through the elder Sheen’s dorm room window and jumped out wearing a toga & a bra on his head.
According to her publicist, Ashley Simpson started rehersals this week to play Roxie Hart in the upcoming London production of Chicago. The Bullets reached our pal, Chicago veteran Bebe Neuwirth, for comment, and we made her blow her Diet Pepsi out of her nose.
And Ashley’s dimwitted big sister Jessica Simpson has been ordered not to sing by her doctor, due to a bruised vocal cord. The Bullets is trying to find out her doctor’s name, so that we can petition congress to make September 2nd a national holiday in his honor.
After actor & Angelina Jolie’s dad Jon Voight wished his grandson Maddox a happy birthday from the 4th annual BAFTA tea party, he said hello to his granddaughter Zahara, but called her “Shakira.” He then went on to send well wishes to Angelina’s boyfriend “B. Pitty” and the couple’s new baby, “Shaka Zulu.”
INSERT YOUR OWN KYRA PHILLIPS BATHROOM JOKE HERE.
And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of the original goth chicks, Yvonne De Carlo, turned 84 yesterday. Happy Birthday, Lilly! Oh, and Edgar Rice Burroughs would have turned 131, but he’s dead. Hey, that’s pretty goth, too.
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. Time for us to exit, Terminator X-it!
J.C. was kind (merciless?) enough to offer me space as an advice columnist, and I hear writing’s cheaper than therapy. The jury is still out on which causes more longer term detriment to your psyche.
So, having not been blessed with the joy of receiving email other than offers of penis enlargement and small African children, I descended upon the city streets like a vengeful god in search of followers and a halfway decent burrito. BEHOLD, I have given advice!
**
Dear Small Girl With the Eyeliner and Baseball Bat,
I have difficulty finding my way around town without wandering into dangerous areas by accident. How can I protect my valuables and my sweet, sweet ass?
Please don’t hit me.
Signed,
Citizen Who Was Probably Dropped As a Child
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Dear Citizen,
What an interesting dillema! I hear talk of such ingenious devices as GPS trackers and nannies with toddler leashes, but these really don’t seem like proper solutions for a discerning individual such as yourself. I suggest taking yourself to the nearest tattoo parlor and investing in a permanent copy of your city’s map - just above the elbow works nicely, as you can see it clearly and it can still be covered with a snazzy business shirt. I’m sure you have many snazzy business shirts.
And if strangely garbed young humans with makeshift weaponry approach you in a menacing manner, whip off your top and show those hooligans you already know how to stick it to the Man, dudes, so they best be steppin’ off.
The tattoo will make it easier to identify your corpse.
All My Love,
Jane.
**
Dear Jane,
I’m taking my new girlfriend out on a date tonight, and she said she wanted to do something “creative” and “interesting.” Pottery classes are right out, since last time she lost one of her diamond Tiffany rings in my clay tribute to Jimmy Hoffa. What’s a poor guy with a classy lady to do?
Thanks in Advance,
Entry Level Suitor
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Dear Suitor,
I swear to god, that thing about her losing jewelry in your “clay” better not be a euphemism.
That aside, the key to this evening’s success is going to be costumes. Dig through your closet for the classiest suit you have, or at least a dress shirt that passes the sniff test. Slick back your hair, pencil in a mustache. If you have a mustache already, for the love of cheap tequila shave that disgusting face fungus off your languishing visage. Now, leave a tie loose around your neck, and pack your keys in your jacket’s front pocket so there’s a noticeable change in the line of your suit and a faint metal sound when you walk.
When you arrive at her door, kiss her hand immediately after checking your surroundings for possible threats. Pull her close. Giovanni’s men could be right behind you, and it’s time to take your lady out of here. Run to the car and begin a whirlwhind tour of the city at night - two rides at the carnival, sneak in the back door for twenty minutes of a picture show, grab no more than one shared glass of wine at the swank bar and lounge because you must drive - drive! - to make the night last, because it’s just you and your dame until the sun rises or death stares you down from the barrel of a snub-nose .45
Cheers,
Jane
**
Dear Jane,
My parents won’t buy me a car. What am I going to do? I’ll be the only Senior taking the bus! How will I pick up the bitches, Jane? Think of my bitches!
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In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by our gmail inbox, you haven’t) The Bullets is on a brief hiatus. It’s not something that was planned… but you see, we’ve been recruited by a super secret paramilitary arm of Mossad to help them foil an evil plot by Mel Gibson to stop Rosh Hoshana. The call went out, and we answered. We can’t go into details here, but someday you’ll see it all in the made for USA movie The Year There Almost Wasn’t A Rosh Hoshana, starring Rob Schnieder, Jackie Mason, and Charro. For now, we must go. It all goes down at sunset… wish us luck.
“If Clark wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person.