P. J. O’Rourke Quotes

Posted by J.C. on August 31, 2006 under Politics | Read the First Comment

This is just one of those days when you need to read something funny. P.J. O’Rourke fits the bill perfectly.

• You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
• You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.
• With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
• The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
• There’s one more terrifying fact about old people: I’m going to be one soon.
• What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can’t obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?
• Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
• When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
• The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
• The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
• The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
• Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
• Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
• Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
• Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
• No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
• Never wear anything that panics the cat.
• Never fight an inanimate object.
• Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
• Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
• Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
• Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
• In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
• If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you’ve read his autobiography.
• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
• If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
• I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a “learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.
• I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist’s code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don’t have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
• Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
• Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
• Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
• Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
• Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
• Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
• Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
• Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
• Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
• Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB’s, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren’t likely to argue about bedtime.
• Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
• Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
• America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
• Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• What is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
• A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
• A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Your Horoscope (08/31/06 - 09/06/06)

Posted by J.C. on August 30, 2006 under Horoscope | Be the First to Comment

So I’m back, from outer space or at least the big D&D convention in Costa Rica. I thank Jane for her wonderful psychic guidance and put forth that she needs to become an advice columnist for us nerds. Her observations are spot on. Don’t think I haven’t been thinking of you folks while I’ve been rolling my 1d20 though, and I have some advice for all of you. Stay true to your character.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Lammasu. You are a noble creature with the face of a human, the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle. Adventurers seek you our for your wisdom and compassion. Your lucky feat is Spirited Charge.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Gorgon. You are a bull-like creature who guards its territory and possessions with fierce determination. You are aggressive and will attempt to trample interlopers into your domain. Your lucky feat is Improved Disarm.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Ettin, a two-headed giant known for your ferocity. You may not be the smartest creature in the world but you are a cunning fighter and two heads are better than one when it comes to listening and searching. Your lucky feat is Alertness.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Phase Spider. You are an aggressive hunter who can move between the material and the ethereal planes. Your eight silver-white eyes see all. Hunt with pleasure my Cancer friend. Your lucky feat is Improved Initiative.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Cloaker. You lurk in the dark places below the surface of things. You have the ability to stay still and alert long after the rest of the creatures have given up and moved on. Lie in wait my Leo friend. Your lucky feat is Endurance.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Silver Dragon. You are regal, graceful and wise with the cheerful ability to help others. You often take human form when you are not at rest in your aerial lair and can walk on clouds as if they were earth. You avoid combat except when faced with a particularly evil or aggressive foe. Your lucky feat is Craft Wondrous Item.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as Shield Guardian. Your purpose in life is to ensure the safety of those you have been charged with protecting. You are strong and direct, metallic and imposing. Your lucky feat is Deflect Arrows.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a pixie. You are small and elf-like but you are a merry prankster who loves to lead travelers astray and trick misers out of their wealth. Your job in life is to annoy and frustrate the greedy. Your lucky feat is Rapid Shot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Aasimar. You are the product of a union between a celestial and a human. You look human except for minor details, such as those cute curly horns growing out of your head. You are good in nature but an excellent fighter and leader with the ability to cast an occasional spell. Your lucky feat is Scribe Scroll.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Storm Giant. You are huge and powerful, good but chaotic. No one else’s rules can govern you. Your strength is unparalleled. Fight the good fight. Your lucky feat is Sunder.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as a Blink Dog. When you hunt or track you can appear out of nowhere. You are constantly surprising your prey. You are playful but very protective, especially of your pups. Your lucky feat is Iron Will.

PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This week you must learn to think of yourself as an Arrowhawk. You have the wings of a hawk and a long snakelike body covered in feathers and spines. You are extremely territorial and you are always hungry. You can fire rays of electricity from your tail. Your lucky feat is Far Shot.

The Bullets (8/26)

Posted by Steve on August 26, 2006 under Books, Movies, Music, Press, TV, The Bullets | Be the First to Comment

The Bullets will forgo it’s usual intro this week in favor of a brief commentary by guest correspondent Mr. T, who is NOT compensated by The Bullets, or by justusnerds.com in any way. Hey, when T says he wants to post, T gets to post, you dig? Take it away, T:

All right foo’s, listen up! Me bein’ a big Hollywood star and Comcast spokesman and everything I need to stay on top of all the this’s and the that’s about Hollywood and pop culture… but have you eva tried lookin’ stuff like that up on the internet box? I ain’t got time for all that jibba jabba! That’s why I start the day with a ten mile run, a big glass of orange juice with extra vitamin C, and JUSTUSNERDS.COM. They tell me all the stuff I gotsta know about all the stuff I gotsta know about. And they make me laugh. And they even gots a horoscope so’s I know what’s gonna happen every week. And it’s never wrong! So don’t be a foo’! Treat your Momma right! Say your milk! Eat your prayers! Drink your vitamins! And read justusnerds.com!

• So we were watching E! the other day (I know, I know… but we do it for you) and we saw a promo for E! News Daily in which Giuliana DePandi called herself GiuliANDA DePandi. We tried to reach her, to discuss just exactly how stupid one would have to be to mispronounce one’s own name, but when the phone rang she went to answer the door.
• Former child star and current violent, drunken ass-face Danny Bonaduce will appear in the first half of CSI’s two-part season premiere, airing Sept. 21st. The CSI gang finds Bonaduce’s partially decomposed carreer in a dumpster behind the Game Show Network, and sets out to find the killer.
• Critically acclaimed actor William Macy berated America’s bad girl/skin sweetheart Lindsay Lohan this week for her habit of showing up late for movie shoots. Macy went on to say “A lot of actors show up late as if they’re God’s gift to the film. It’s inexcusable.” Then he then complained about how complicated medicare’s new prescription drug programs were, yelled “Consarnit!” then fell and broke his hip.
• CBS’s reality show Survivor responed to criticism that the show isn’t racially diverse enough by racially segregating this season’s contestants. When The Bullets tried to reach Mark Burnett Productions for comment, we were refered to the company’s new Director of Human Resources, Mel Gibson.
• According to his publisher, Norman Mailer’s first new novel in ten years, The Castle In The Forest, will be released in January. A synopsis wasn’t available at Bullets press time, as the synopsis is over 1,000 pages, and no one here has finished reading it yet.
• Legendary crap producer & composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has a new target for his next musical, the classic Russian novel The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. The author, who died in 1940, was too busy spinning in his grave to comment.
• In other literary news, Britney Spear’s tell-all book Stages is now only sold in .99 cent stores. There will presumably be some sort of discount when you purchace the book with a bag of Fritos & some Tang.
• And finally, in Nerd birthday news, one of our heroes, Elvis Costello, turned 53 yesterday. Now go listen to my Aim Is True.

Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to watch House re-runs & wish we had to walk with a cane, because that fuckin’ guy makes it look COOL AS HELL.

25 Favorite TV Characters

Posted by J.C. on August 25, 2006 under TV | Read the First Comment

Joss Whedon recently posted his 25 Favorite TV Characters and as a nerd fanboy I feel the need to follow suit. It is important to note the limitations of any list. My list of the best television characters cannot masquerade as a best of all time. The earliest characters on my list are from the late seventies / early eighties and that is because my active and intelligent television years only go back about that far. Also, there are very few characters from current shows on the list. This is because I tried to be sure that it wasn’t recent affections driving the list. Barney on How I Met Your Mother and Dr. House on House are two characters I considered for the list but dropped just because I think it is too soon to be sure. Finally, the list is alphabetical, so the first should be no more highly regarded than the last or any in between.

Allison Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg on Buffy The Vampire Slayer
On television, many characters become stagnant and entrenched. They don’t evolve. Willow Rosenberg was not one of those characters. She grew from the goofy, nerdy sidekick into a woman with complex desires and problems. If there is one word to define Willow it is “evolution”.

Andy Kaufman as Latka Gravas on Taxi
Andy Kaufman was a very gifted, but very strange comedian. He did some brilliant work outside of Taxi, but I think the constraints that network television kept him just enough in check that he did by far his best work as Latka, the immigrant mechanic who’s fictional home country and culture grew in complexity and absurdity with each passing episode.

Anthony Edwards as Dr. Mark Greene on ER
It’s hard to remember now, but back in the early nineties ER was the best show around and as Dr. Mark Greene, Anthony Edwards gave a wonderfully nuanced performance. George Clooney may have been the hunk, but Edwards was the heart of the show and he made ER great.

Bruce Willis as David Addison on Moonlighting
Moonlighting was, during the first two seasons, the funniest and most inspired detective show ever. The show hinged on the chemistry between Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepard. For that, I have to give all the credit to Bruce Willis because I couldn’t have spent ten minutes in room with that woman.

Claire Danes as Angela Chase on My So Called Life
Hers was, by far, the most realistic portrayal of a teenager I have ever seen on television. Much of the credit goes to the excellent writing, but Claire Danes’ portrayal of Angela Chase was the glue that held the whole show together.
 

Corbin Bernsen as Arnie Becker on L.A. Law
Arnie Becker was a joyful sleazebag. He was scheming, self-congratulatory and he couldn’t keep it in his pants if his life depended on it. More importantly, if you needed a divorce lawyer in the eighties, he was the guy you hired, just because you didn’t want to face him on the other side.

David Hyde Pierce as Niles Crane on Frasier
On Cheers, Frasier was intelligent, snobbish, self-involved and peculiar. He was all of those things on Frasier too, but as his brother Niles, David Hyde Pierce topped him in every category. Niles was more intelligent, more snobbish, more self-involved and just by looks of him the most peculiar guy in the room. He was the one person who could make Frasier look normal.

Dirk Benedict as Lt. Templeton “Faceman” Peck on The A-Team
Feeding off the reputation he created in Battlestar Galactica, Dirk Benedict rose to new heights as the A-Team’s resident scrounger, con man and horny bastard. The A-Team might have succeeded without him, but they wouldn’t have done it in style.

Ed O’Neil as Al Bundy on Married with Children
Al Bundy was a man of perfect contradictions. He was clever but stupid. He was thin but flabby. He loved his wife but couldn’t stand her. He hated women’s feet but he sold women’s shoes. He was miserable, but resisted all attempts to change. He was the perfect caricature of the modern married man.

Edward Woodward as Robert McCall on The Equalizer
Robert McCall was the geezer with a gun. In the early days of the show, before political correctness set in, he just blew away the bad guys without a moment’s hesitation. He was Reaganism at the street level.
 

Jeffrey Donovan as Detective David Creegan on Touching Evil
Sadly, this show lasted only thirteen episodes but Jeffrey Donovan was amazing as Detective David Creegan, a formerly by-the-books FBI agent who suffered a near fatal gunshot wound that cost him his family and a piece of his sanity but gave him a remarkable insight into crime. Many shows have played the mentally ill detective concept for laughs but in Touching Evil, Creegan’s pain and loss are ripping him apart and he is unable to fully control the impulses in his brain.

Jessica Alba as Max / X5-452 on
Jessica Alba’s Max tapped into so many our turn-of-the millennium hot-buttons: girl power; cloning; overreaching government surveillance and control; terrorism and minority rights. More importantly, Max kicked ass and she looked great doing it.

Kurtwood Smith as Red Forman on That 70s Show
In the early days of this show, before Topher Grace grew into a solid comedic actor and the rest of the kids became reasonable comic foils, Kurtwood Smith as the father who was desperately, angrily trying to teach his dumbass son how to be a man, generated most of the laughs. He never actually put his foot up Eric’s ass, but the threat made all the difference.

Kyle MacLachlan as Special Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks
The dessert-loving Dale Cooper represented a whole new kind of FBI agent. His approach was part human observation, part numerology, and part Freudian dream analysis. At one point it involved throwing rocks at a post. I miss Agent Cooper.

Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing on Dallas
J.R. Ewing was the most evil bastard on television. He didn’t just hurt people; he crushed their spirits, took their money, bedded their wives and then he celebrated with a big-assed cigar.

 
Lucy Lawless as Xena on Xena: Warrior Princess
Xena was pure female empowerment. Strapped in leather; wielding a weapon forged by the Greek Gods and letting loose with a war cry as she kicked everyone’s ass from Greece to Rome to China to modern-day Hollywood.

Michael Chiklis as Detective Vic Mackey on The Shield
Vic Mackey is perhaps the most intense and complex character I have ever seen on television. He can turn from good to evil on a dime and never lose the core of his character. Great writing and great acting.

 
Michael Dorn as Worf in ST:TNG
I’m a nerd, so I had to include at least one Star Trek universe character, and for me that character was Worf. Worf was the square peg in the round saucer section of the bright and shiny Next Generation. He didn’t like to chat. He didn’t like to bathe. He did like to shoot at things. He may have been a Klingon, but he was most reminiscent of the glorious original Star Trek, when the crew LIVED for confrontation.

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld
Kramerica Industries; The Japanese Businessmen; The Coffee Table Book; The Polar Bears; Joe Dimaggio; The J. Peterman Reality Tour; HE Pennypacker . . . the funny just keeps coming.

Pearce Brosnan as Remington Steel on Remington Steel
Long before he was the picture of suave in the 007 movies, Pearce Brosnan was the ultimate phony on Remington Steel. A con man with a heart, he was the completely unskilled fake detective who fronted for the very real and smart Laura Holt back when we could buy the premise that no one would believe a WOMAN would be able to run her own detective agency.

Phil Hartman as Bill McNeal on Newsradio
Newsradio was an underrated gem and Phil Hartman was in top form at Bill McNeal. He made fatuousness look good. The show was never the same without him.

Ricky Gervais as David Brent on The Office
Ricky Gervais pulled off the ultimate feat of making people laugh by playing a horrendously unfunny person who thinks he is hilarious. Somehow, he even managed to make me feel sorry for the poor deluded idiot.

Seth McFarlane as Stewie Griffin on Family Guy
Stewie Griffin is an evil, matricidal baby with an IQ off the charts and an irresistible attraction to teletubbies and leather bars. Nuff Said.
 

Tracy Grandstaff as Daria Morgendorffer on Daria
Daria was probably the most depressed and unhappy character to ever carry a show. She spoke in monotone. She avoided intimacy the way some people avoid cockroaches. Each episode, whether it brought a tiny victory or a crushing defeat, she reacted with determined indifference. To top it all off, she was unbelievably funny.

Various people as God in Joan of Arcadia
In Joan of Arcadia, God was a key character. He took different forms (handsome young man, playful little girl, security guard, cafeteria worker) and every time Joan encountered him he was true both to the spirit of the person he inhabited and to his own overriding character. God watched. God made minor changes. God gave some advice. Overall, God seemed like one of us, all of us and none of us at the same time. Best portrayal of a deity ever.

Your Horoscope (8/23/06 - 8/31/06)

Posted by Jane on August 23, 2006 under Horoscope, Music | 2 Comments to Read

This is your newest Nerd and resident psycho bitch, Jane, checking in! J.C. has been kind enough to let me fill in on the horoscopes for today, and this one goes out to all the little emo darlings I keep picking out of my Doc Martens on a regular basis. Give us a kiss.

ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Honey, it’s time to accept that not everyone looks good in cigarette-burned leather. Especially not over an A.F.I. t-shirt sporting significant mascara stains. If you take the first road West, there is a flannel shirt waiting for you at the end of your journey. It is warm. It smells faintly of beer. It is your salvation. Your lucky emo band is Coheed and Cambria.

TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You’re about to see your hobbies fall to the wayside and your significant other leave you for a 30 year old punk rocker with bad teeth. Fret not. Eat your Wheaties and on the 28th all will become clear. Your lucky emo band is Rise Against.

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
That lovely lady winking at you from over by the Ms Pac-Man game is no lady. That fruit punch is no ticket to heaven! When the new moon ascends, it is advisable to wear a hat. But for the love of god, not a beret. Your lucky Emo band is Bright Eyes.

CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Stop watching Supernatural reruns and get out into some sunlight! No one wants to read your fanfic, and you could stand to get a little exercise this month. Make sure to carry high DEET content bug spray for that barbeque next Wednesday, or everyone will regret it. Your lucky emo band is Dashboard Confessional.

LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
Sweetcakes, when I say gardening is not for wussies you need to trust me on that. Really. Your lucky emo band is Boy Sets Fire.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Peace is finally ahead for you. If you stay true to your feelings (and not those of Harry-At-The-Bus-Stop), you’ll be well on your way to your own slice of the pie. Keep it up! Your lucky emo band is Fugazi.

LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
You’ve got the best Big Picture skills of anyone in the Zodiac, and it is time to prove it. Corporate politics are terrifying at best, but with a little moxy, luck, and tequila, you’ll be well on your way to business stardom. Just don’t trust the man in the red jacket! Your lucky emo band is