Imagine stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and The Bullets, you’ll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles.
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Hey there, kids! The Bullets is proud to announce our next T-Shirt Photo Contest. Just take a picture of yourself wearing this t-shirt, which rules, and email it to us at thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com
As always, the winner will be detrmined by The Bullets staff, and will recieve the big $10.00 prize! Good luck, and get snapping!
In a shocking announcement that stunned everyone on the face of the earth, *NSYNC-erator Lance Bass revealed to People magazine Wednesday that he’s gay. Later in the day Patrick Stewart called to reveal that he’s bald, and the dessicated corpse of Paul Lynde dug itself out of it’s grave, shambled into People Magazine headquarters, and announced that it’s dead.
Lindsay Lohan collapsed from heat exhaustion on the set of her new movie in L.A. Tuesday, and was rushed to the hospital for treatment. When The Bullets asked if the collapse might have been related to her alleged hard-partying lifestyle, a spokesman for La Lohan said, “No, that’s ridiculous… this was plain old heat exaustion, just like Sid Vicious used to get.”
Speaking of collapsing, Prince’s marriage has also collapsed. Manuela Testolini, second wife of His Royal Badness himself, is filing for divorce. Apparently the court documents cite irreconcilable differences, but when The Bullets reached Manuela’s lawyers for comment, they said that was because they couldn’t agree on the proper legal terminology for “Sometimes Prince makes me smear 1040 motor oil all over my naked body, and ride around on an ostrich that’s been dyed purple with a Malibu Barbie doll shoved up my ass, and a stuffed ocelot wearing earrings & lipstick balanced on my head and I really don’t wanna have to do that stuff anymore.”
According to our pals over at TMZ.com, a bicyclist in Iowa City, IA was injured when he was struck & pinned under the Girls Gone Wild tour bus. It is unclear exactly what the fuck the Girls Gone Wild tour bus was doing in Iowa, but the cyclist was taken to a nearby hospital, where he was later trapped under a fallen crate of silicone breast implants.
In a fitting memorial, the ashes of Star Trek’s beloved James “Scotty” Doohan will be shot into space this fall. The ashes of 100 other people will also be on the flight, including the Mercury program’s beloved Gordon “Gordo” Cooper, and Barney Miller’s beloved Abe “Fish” Vigoda. When The Bullets reached Vigoda’s management for comment, we were told that he “isn’t dead.”
We at The Bullets believe that we have solved the mystery of the whereabouts of little Suri Cruise, who hasn’t been seen by anyone except Leah Remini and Will & Jada Pinkett Smith since her birth. Our extensive investigation included about a half a bottle of Cuervo Black, watching House Of Wax on pay-per-view, and clicking this link. We really don’t need to explain any further, do we?
55 year-old Chris Storm of Amarillo, TX has won the annual Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest at Sloppy Joe’s in Key West. Two weeks ago Storm won the Los Angleles Dodger pictcher Hugh Casey look-alike contest, and he hopes to win next week’s Kurt Cobain look-alike contest, thus being the first American to win the prestigious Triple Crown Of Look-Alike-Contests Of People Who Blew Their Own Heads Off With Shotguns.
And finally, in nerd birthday news, legendary television producer Norman Lear, creator of All In The Family, The Jeffersons, Good Times, Fernwood 2nite, and about a billion other great shows, turns 83 today. We at The Bullets would like to wish Mr. Lear all the best, and we thank him for all the great TV.
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re all very excited about the upcoming Borat flick, and are off to catch the trailer. Do join us, won’t you?
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
This is a bad week to have surgery, attend musical theater, eat salami or drive a European car. This is a good week to visit a homeopathic doctor, attend a poetry reading, eat pizza or drive an American car. Zealots are everywhere, so be vigilant. Your lucky oil is saffron.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
This is a bad week to run, drive fast, time yourself, make generalized comparisons or give advice. This is a good week to get a massage, peer into the distance, give a witty reply and use a fork. If you find yourself, let us know. Your lucky oil is heartcut distillate.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
This is a bad week to hunt, fish, develop an action plan, sell fruit or place your trust in authority figures. This is a good week to spay or neuter your pet, sing your own praises, buy salad dressing, go to a carnival or look within yourself. Northeast is an underrated compass point. Your lucky oil is raisin seed.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
This is a bad week to watch any movie made before 1947, wear outdated fashions, discuss James Joyce, cut your toenails or fly a helicopter. This is a good week to get to the point, fight with your neighbors, accept your limitations, get a fungus treatment or visit Latin America. There are vultures all around you. Your lucky oil is Cottonseed.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
This is a bad week to use magic markers, fold paper, listen to jazz, finish your novel or have your house fumigated. This is a good week to keep yourself meticulously clean, eat whole foods, drink bottled water or go on a blind date. Functional illiteracy is not functional. Your lucky oil is tung.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is a bad week to wash your car, accelerate toward a yellow light, drink hard liquor, foot the bill, hand off a project or stick your neck out. This is a good week to shower frequently, face your inner demons, settle an old score or redistribute wealth. Your fan club is growing. Your lucky oil is castor.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
This is a bad week to seek venture capital funding, spring a new move on your partner, engage in a “dance off”, insult a Canadian, feel something in your gut or collect novelty pillows. This is a good week to free your mind, cast off your shackles, drink diet orange drinks, fall in love or eat a bagel. Fingers won’t sign autographs. Your lucky oil is olive.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
This is a bad week to attend a seminar, go to a mall, climb a fence, forge a new alliance or eat fast food. This is a good week to be stern yet fair, gruff but lovable, consoling but critical and to use bags that have zippers. Go to your happy place. Your lucky oil is penetrating.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is a bad week to eat cooked berries, hold your breath, fold eggs, or to forget why you came. This is a good work to read the novels of Tom Perotta, chew your food thoroughly, invest in environmentally friendly companies and dance, dance, dance! There are at least a dozen worthwhile toppings for pizza. Your lucky oil is lanolin.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
This is a bad week to listen to eighties pop, seventies rock and sixties folk. This is also a bad week to engage in the practice known as stipulating. This is a good week to cut crass, red tape and the crap. Beware of Spanish tile. Your lucky oil is soapstock.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
This is a bad week to eat cheddar jalapeno Cheetos, spend nickels, bathe with strangers, fly a jet or eat everything on your plate. This is a good week to eat corn flakes, talk to pigeons, erase whiteboards and read outdated newspapers. Do you feel like your life is a straight-to-video release? Your lucky oil is Palm Fatty Acid Distillate.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
This is a bad week to read handbills, drink bottled water, diet, listen to big band music or buy a boat. This is a good week to count on your fingers, test your emotional boundaries, grill your food and establish a democracy using force. Vote early. Vote often. Your lucky oil is neatsfoot.
Been wondering about the fate of JL:U? Or Teen Titans? Been itchin’ for some new Animated Superman? Well… according to our fellow nerds over at the super-groovy superherohype.com, Warner Home Video made the following statement today:
For your own safety, and the safety of others, please remember to stop jumping up and down and yelling “woo hoo” in time to refrain from passing out… 20 or 30 minutes should be enough.
HA!
PG-13, bitches!
Put THAT in your bong & smoke it Ultimate Avengers, with your G rating and your faggy lil environmentalist Thor!
I was housesitting for awhile there, and was separated from The Feed, a living, writhing, twisting hell-on-earth that I will never fully be able to explain to anyone but my fellow feedsters. But I’m back now. And just in time for things to get…
eeeenteresting.
7/23-24:
HOH:
James NOMINATED:
Will & Jase POWER OF VETO:
George: Used POV to save himself
James finally won a HOH, which has been an interesting experience for both him and me. I was (and remain) worried about his loyalty to Season 6, but he’s spent his HOH time pretty well conferenced with Kaysar, and they’re making decisions (and flip flopping on them & making new ones) together. For the time being, I will feel safer in the knowledge that the snake will strike later, rather than sooner. They’re ready for it later. It’s expected.
Marcellas is “nervousing” as much as Cowboy used to do, and it’s getting on my nerves, not to mention that it’s very unattractive. C’mon Marcy… you’re America’s gay sweetheart. Act like it. I will give you big ups, however, for your time with Janie… it’s occasionally priceless. In your very own words, “Marcellas & Janelle are in the tub together. Big Brother All Stars starts NOW.”
George had a very bad week. Nominated. Reviled. Plus all the jedi training. He was put up by James because James hates players that just skate to the end and leave the big moves up to bolder players. And also because he was busted cold by James listening to a conversation he was having through a door. George does do that… he’s quite the lil listener. But, the Chicken Man gutted it up, and won himself the Power of veto, which he promptly used to take his ass off the block… certainly a bold move, eh, James? Bold enough to win him the respect of a few of the more hardcore players.. for the time being, anyway. His ass will be right back up there the second someone wants to make it through HOH without putting a big target on their back. And George will be missed, because from what I can see, he’s the only one that cleans anything up around there. After he’s gone it’ll just be a bunch of pretty, lazy people wandering around in their own filth.
So. The rumors are true. Mr. & Mrs. Smith do exist. In case you’ve missed this saga, let me first say that Danielle wasn’t the person who figured it out, no matter what CBS tries to make it look like. Diane’s crazy roommate Toni called Janelle up 3 weeks before the game started and warned her that Diane & Jase were going in with a secret alliance, and that they planned to take the house apart like “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” Everybody knew about it, and the only thing Danielle figured out is that she should shut her big mouth and kiss everyone’s ass. Which she is doing rather well, btw.
More later.
But before I go, courtesy of reealytease at youtube.com…
Translation… the game is up - “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” talk damage control:
Marcy & Janie in the red room, and Marcy’s pissed:
I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and The Bullets are hungry
And we’re all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotten old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing’s ever worth the cost
And I know that I’m damned if I never get out
And maybe I’m damned if I do…
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I’d rather be damned with you
And if I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you…
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The Bullets would like send a big shout-out to everyone who entered The Blow The Ending Of The New M. Night Shyamalan Movie Contest. We got so many entries that there’s no way to post them all… so after an exhaustive editing session, a couple of blenders full of Bacardi hurricanes, and a few fistfights, we’ve narrowed it down to the top 5. And here they are:
5: Bruce Willis is actually… a republican!
4: The last M. Night Shyamalan fan is heading to the theater to see The Lady In The Water, and the second to last M. Night Shyamalan fan, who is on his way home from Blockbuster with a copy of The Village, crashes into him. (Spooky, huh!)
3: M. Night Shyamalan rips off his mask to reveal that he is actually… EMILIO ESTEVEZ, who then climbs up into the rafters laughing maniacaly, and screaming “Wisdom doesn’t look so bad now, does it assholes!”
2: Mel Gibson is acutally… a fucking weirdo!!!!
and the number one answer: The movie actually… SUCKS ASS!
Congratulations for a great winning answer, Gene Shalit! Be sure to check your paypal account for the big $10 prize! Thanks again to everyone who played, and be sure to keep an eye out for more Bullets contests, coming soon!
The State of Arkansas has decided to pardon the mummified remains of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for a reckless driving charge from 1972. When The Bullets reached Richards for comment, he said, “I was in Arkansas?”
Sixth Sense star and former male Dakota Fanning Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized today in pasadena after crashing his car into a pillar on the side of the road. Osment’s agent released a statement saying that Osment is expected to have a quick recovery, and promising that Osment’s upcoming liquor store robbery will be “much more interesting.”
In other celebrity-car-crash news, the Donny Wahlberg of the Baldwin clan, Daniel Baldwin, crashed his car into two parked cars in LA Wednesday. Baldwin told the police that the crash was intentional, as he was doing research for his upcoming lead role in Piano Man: The Life & Times Of Billy Joel.
In music news, Limp Bizkit frontman and professional ass-face Fred Durst announced on his MySpace page today that he’s getting married. Durst said that his bride will be a “a wonderful girl named Krista from Rhode Island” and that he “can’t wait to settle down and start raising a whole new generation of talentless little douchebags with shitty goatees & backwards baseball caps.”
Abbott Laboratories has announced that they have created a new test that both screens for and confirms the presence of Hepatitis B in patients. In a related story, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson have announced that they are finally getting married at the end of the month… and The Bullets has found the perfect wedding gift for the happy couple.
Kate Hudson won undisclosed damages in a libel suit against The UK Enquirer, the british tabloid that said she was endangering her health by deliberately starving herself. The Bullets would just like to take this opportunity to say that we think Kate looks great. And her hubby Chris Robinson of the Black Crows. He looks great, too. And Kurt & Goldie. Really. Everyone looks fine.
According to TMZ.com, you can now purchase erotic blow-up dolls in the likenesses of Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, and Pamela Anderson. No word yet on where to get the little inflatable pennicillin shot.
And in Nerd birthday news, Kim Carnes turned 61 years young today. Don’t let anyone give you any shit, baby… no matter what happens, you OWN 1981
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re knocking off early to do a Kevin Smith marathon in anticipation of seeing Clerks II tomorrow night. Join us, won’t you? Here, we’ll get ya started:
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
Check the wind
Take stock of yourself
Turn around and say a blessing
You are happy to be alive
You are happy to be where you are
Breathe
Love
Allow sense to drive you
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You have come from the mountain
The walk has been slow but pleasant
You are looking at the animals
You see them all round you
They allow you into their party
Let them guide you
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The cave stretches into darkness
You hold your hand against the side
To track your path inward
You feel life move around you
Small and blind
But sure of where it is
You will get lost
Before you find your way out
Finding ourselves when we are lost
Defines us
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
The past surrounds you like morning
On a cold wet day
The ground absorbs your steps
The path drops and winds
You must find your way home
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
The croak of the frog
The grunt of the pig
The whisper of the trees
As you pass under them
Listen to the world
As it talks to you
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
The candles burn dimly
Every shadow finds an ally
Darkness is not your enemy
Fear of darkness is what haunts you
Close your eyes
See what you need to see
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Watch the Sunset
Speak into the wind
Bless the end of the day
Embrace the night
Feel the world change
And accept all that comes
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Never forget who you are
And everything that made you
Memory and love dance as partners
Each step moves you closer
To the life you want to lead
And the partner you seek
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
The rain and the butterfly
Fall and fly
Drops on a tree
Wings in the spaces between
Every color comes alive
Then comes apart
Follow the colors
Fall and fly
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You are the fish in the cold stream
Hiding behind a good round stone
Waiting for the next bigger rock
To seek safety behind
Swim out into the unknown stream
Embrace the flow of the water
Avoid every stone you see
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Feel the rhythm of your pulse
Let the beat guide your breath
Close your eyes and rest
It is time to let go
You need to look deeper
Inside
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Lay on your back
Watch the moon cross the stars
Watch over the stars as they align themselves
Feel the breeze against your face
Feel the ground underneath you
Connect yourself to the world
Google has finally seen fit to rank our site. The home page is a four-out-of-ten. For those of you who know about such things, that places us dead even with most debt consolidation sites. We figure this isn’t too bad a rank for a four-month-old site with no advertising and a morbid fascination with pop culture. Last I checked, we were the only site on the Internet about pop culture, but I’m sure it will catch on. Remember, shop smart, shop Just Us Nerds. Oh, thats right . . . we have nothing worth selling. Well, carry on then.
Nothing matches the glory and the pagentry of the few hours leading up to a Big Brother live telecast. The preening… the primping… the pumping… it’s like a documentary about animals mating on The Discovery Channel. And then there’s the “Hi Julie!” and “Thanks Julie” of the HG’s in the living room. Hurricaine Howie even had a “Thanks Julie!” T-shirt on. And everything’s hunky dory, and everyone’s pals… until we start to peel the layers.
But invariably, what the producers decide to show you in the telecasts is seldom, if ever, the whole story. Following each BB7 telecast this season, join me here, and we’ll try to separate fact from fiction… lies from half-truths… and Howie from Dr. Will!
7/12:
EVICTED:
Alison
HOH:
Kaysar
The feed continues…
Aside from all the usual bullshit created CBS drama (that you can stop from entering your head by having the feeds, BTW) another pretty decent representation of actual events in a CBS telecast.
The one aspect we feedsters miss is the Diary Room entries. It was nice to see James seem pretty solid with his fellow BB6ers in the DR, since his DR entries last year were very candid. You still never take your eyes off him, but maybe he’s OK for at least a few weeks.
Dani crying in the DR about made me puke my guts out. The shit people said about you after BB3 weren’t lies
2 Comments to Read 
Imagine stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and The Bullets, you’ll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles.
Attention animated DC fans:
For your own safety, and the safety of others, please remember to stop jumping up and down and yelling “woo hoo” in time to refrain from passing out… 20 or 30 minutes should be enough.
I was housesitting for awhile there, and was separated from The Feed, a living, writhing, twisting hell-on-earth that I will never fully be able to explain to anyone but my fellow feedsters. But I’m back now. And just in time for things to get…
I’m gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
