“Wynona’s got herself a big brown beaver
And she shows it off to all her friends
One day, you know, that beaver tried to leave her
So she caged him up with cyclone fence
Along came The Thursday Night Bullet Points
And said, “recognize that smell?”
Smells like seven layers…
That beaver eats taco bell”
The Bullets are pleased to announce that we have a winner in our “Where My Hose At?” T-Shirt contest. We thank everyone who participated. You guys sent us loads of great pictures, but we could only pick one winner. And here she is:
That’s right, it’s little Shiloh Nouvelle Jolie-Pitt! Congrats Shiloh… and be sure to look in your paypal account for the big ten dollar prize!
Stay tuned for more Bullets photo contests!
Gum-popping mouth-breather Britney Spears followed up the moronic TV interview in which she tried to prove she wasn’t a hillbilly by posing nude, six months pregnant. The Bullets reached Britney’s non-in-utreo baby, little Sean Preston, for comment and he said, “That’s it. Man, as soon as I can reach the pedals on that fucking Big Wheel, I’m outta here.”
Diminutive former SNL regular & Adam Sandler hanger-on Rob Schneider collapsed from a combination of food poisoning and heat exhaustion Wednesday. Rob was taken to a Northern California hospital, treated and released. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Karma said, “Of course he got sick… didn’t you see The Animal????”
Hugh Jackman sent a videotaped message to the Cine Expo international exhibitors conference in Amsterdam announcing that he will star in a spin-off of the X-Men films focusing on his character, Wolverine, to be released in 2007. The 6 people who still give a fuck after the last X-Men movie are reported to be “very excited.”
Aparrently, Star Jones, Barbra Walters, Rosie O’Donnel, Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, Merideth Vierra, Joy Behar, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck all went after each other this week with chainsaws, machine guns, machetes, and rocket launchers. The Bullets has no word on who has or has not survived, as we don’t watch any of the crap they’re on, and really don’t care.
Earlier this week, conservative radio talk show host & delusionally self-important gasbag Rush Limbaugh continued to be totally irrelevant.
Academy award winner Kevin Kline will play King Lear in an upcoming production at the Public Theater in New York. Kline, famous for his work in such films as Grand Canyon, The January Man, and The Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2 DVD has said that he is looking forward to being on stage again, and the play will also provide a nice break from his busy schedule of keeping Phoebe Cates locked in a closet somewhere.
In music news, that homeless guy we passed laying in the alley mumbling the lyrics to Mr. Brownstone wasn’t really Axl Rose after all. Turns out the actual Axl was in jail in Stockholm Sweden after biting a hotel security guard on the leg. Way to go, Axl… keep up the good work!
Legendary rockers KISS have opened up a coffee house in Myrtle Beach. The coffe house will feature flavors like KISS Frozen Rockuccino & French KISS Vanilla, a full line of pastry items, scones, and biscotti, and roomy bathrooms with plenty of toilets for the band to flush the last vestiges of it’s self-respect down.
Seminal punk band & riot grrrl icons Sleater-Kinney are breaking up after 11 ass-kicking years. First Bikini Kill, then 7 Year Bitch, and now this. At least we still have Bratmobile. On behalf of guys everywhere who are maybe just a little too old to be at girl punk band shows, The Bullets wishes to thank Sleater-Kinney for all the great tunes. Seriously, you girls fucking RAWK.
S-K: In Memorium - The girls performing “Jumpers” on Late Night With David Letterman.
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to have the holy living crap scared out us at a showing of An Inconvenient Truth. Woo Hoo!!!!! PARTY!!!!!!!!
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
In order to truly experience darkness, you have to turn out the light. Sometimes the light is fluorescent. Sometimes it is neon. Once in a while it is an LED. You must learn to turn all of these off if you are going to truly find the adventure you are seeking. Learn to be invisible in a crowded room. Turn off everything about yourself until all that is left is your darkness. Then you can begin to explore who you are. Your lucky fabric is nylon.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Anger is the key to tapping into your love. Fury and affection blend into a soufflé of warmth for you. Learn to tap into that love and let it embrace all of those around you. You have such an enormous capacity for love. Your lucky fabric is haircloth.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
The two halves of your personality are fundamentally at odds, but you already knew that. The key at this point is to keep the two sides communicating. It is much like peace negotiations between two neighboring countries that would like to be at peace, as long as they have to give nothing of themselves in return. That cannot happen of course, but the negotiations at least keep tensions from rising significantly. Be an ambassador to yourself. Negotiate sanity. Your lucky fabric is denim.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
Feel free to settle for less this week. Expectation reduction should be your fundamental philosophy. The more you can do without, the more you’ll be able to do. An empty pocket is an open opportunity. Your lucky fabric is gingham.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
If you eliminate all of the things you can’t be, all of the things you probably won’t be, and all of the things you are but shouldn’t be, your path should be quite clear. Take that path for about a week and see where you end up. Your lucky fabric is polyester.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
Look how well everything worked out for you this week! It really was silly of you to worry. I’ve been telling you for months that your luck is almost absurdly good right now. Sure, the week was in flux, but the luck never changed. Get ready for more of the same this week. Your lucky fabric is cotton.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
How many people did you save this week? I swear, you have been on a run of good deeds that has truly amazed me. I would tell you to stop and take some time for yourself, but I doubt you’ll listen. Just try not to let yourself get stretched to thin. The world is awfully big and you can’t save it all. Your lucky fabric is flannel.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
Dead tigers don’t lie about their conquests and neither should you. Take the time to be humble and learn to sing a new song. Karaoke is good for the soul. Your lucky fabric is taffeta.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Let a smile be your antihistamine this week. Breathe easier by knowing that inside, no matter what, you will be happy. This is the guaranteed fast track to spiritual enlightenment. If you can convince yourself that you are happy, you can convince yourself that you are enlightened, and that is the first step. Your lucky fabric is satin.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Bees and Velveeta are a potent combination. If you find yourself in the woods being chased by Velveeta, look for the nearest beehive. That will distract you and give you a reason to run faster. If this advice seems nonsensical to you, you have taken the first step toward independent thinking. Step back before you hurt yourself. Your lucky fabric is terrycloth.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
If you find yourself eerily attracted to the music of Coldplay and Snow Patrol, you may be losing your edge. You may even be losing your soul. Listen to some blues, perhaps some Robert Johnson. Remember, soft rock equals a soft soul. Your lucky fabric is Velveteen.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
No matter how much you try, you will never turn into a turtle. Accept what you are and who you are. Stay away from shopping malls and wild animal parks. Divide yourself and conquer. Your lucky fabric is twill.
People love the Colbert Quotes. They can’t get enough of them, and the beautiful thing is, he makes more of them almost every day. Here are some recent jewels:
Since today is National Day of Prayer, everyone in America please join hands in a circle… here goes. Oh Lord, tonight, let me bring it. Help me to nail my guests, as they would nail me. And keep my crew in good health, for yea, they are the uninsured. And finally, help mine hand to find mine car keys. I know I had them this morning. Amen.
We Americans are like the DMV. We look over the application and decide if Congress is allowed back on the road. And because this is a renewal, Congress doesn’t have to go through the rigmarole of a road test and a booklet and answering our questions about the rationale for war.
Now that fines are ten times higher, the networks will be ten times more nervous about what is and isn’t indecent. Imagine how sparkling clean our airwaves will be as soon as the FCC fines $325,000 every time the networks show anything immoral– like a single parent, or an immigrant worker, or an unshaved beaver.
I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on amphibians–which is it? Water or land? Pick one. We’re at war.
Your parents paid for college, the least you can do is reward them with a few more years of your college-educated presence. Show them how enlightened you are by rejecting society’s demands that you ‘get your own place.’ Plus free food and plenty of time to play Halo.
When I was in high school, prom night was much more innocent. Especially for me since I did not go to prom. I felt the theme of our prom, ‘She Blinded Me with Science,’ was a slap in the face of people of faith.
We used to think their leader, Muammar Qaddafi, president for life and quote ‘Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Arab Libyan Popular and Socialist Jamahirya,’ was crazy, with his elite cadre of beautiful female bodyguards. Now, we realize he’s just a lovable eccentric, kind of like Prince.
For every Superman out there, there’s also a Green Arrow. The little guy who can’t fly or bend steel but still makes a contribution, in this case by being pretty good at archery.
Talking about immigrants always makes me hungry. It’s partly because of the term ‘melting pot.’ Mmmm… delicious racial fondue. Then, a few years ago, people started calling it a ’salad bowl’ which is still pretty good if you toss in enough bacon bits.
This is a crisis, Nation. Need I remind you, if the democrats take control of congress, democrats will be in control of congress. I used to think that was a myth, like global warming.
Omaha is one of the country’s largest telecommunications centers, employing over 30,000 individuals who field nearly 20 million toll-free calls per day. Omaha citizens are great on the phone because they don’t have accents–they sound like they’re from nowhere, which is partially true.
Adding the word ‘not’ to the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it. A signing statement is the presidential equivalent. Now, the president uses more formal language, like ‘I don’t think the constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners.’ This way, the President can make sure a law is applied the way the founders intended. Specifically, the founders of the Bush administration.
It’s never okay for men to cry! You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. Man holds it in! Until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it’s about to explode, and his gut just aches like there’s a snake wrapped around his heart! That’s why we die earlier, but it’s worth it! At least we don’t look weak while we’re alive.
You know what you can’t outsource, Fareed? You can’t outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.
“Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag and The Thursday Night Bullet Points are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”
A couple of quick announcements before we begin tonight: at last check, Just Us Nerds has 1689 friends on MySpace with over 9,000 pending friend requests. As we can only approve 10 at a time, be patient… we’ll add you eventually!
And we were surfing the web looking for Cubs jerseys last night when we stumbled upon this shirt. Because this shirt RULES, The Bullets will give the person who emails us the best picture of themselves wearing it 10 bucks. If you’re actually a firefighter and the picture is of yourself in the shirt in front of your firetruck or station house or something, and you win, we’ll make it 20 bucks. If you’re a hot girl over the age of 18, and you send us a picture of yourself in the thong, and you win, it’ll still be 20 bucks, but the picture will probably also become our wallpaper. Think of the prestige.
Anyway, email pictures to thebullets.justusnerds@gmail.com. As soon as we have a winner, we’ll let ya know.
Babyshambles frontman and profesional shitbag Pete Doherty figures that his life has been so interesting that he can publish some of his journals. The Bullets attempted to reach every single person on the face of the Earth who would be interested in reading said journals, but we found that not even one of them had the ability to actually answer a ringing telephone. Mostly they just stared at them & made “eeee-eeee” noises like the monkeys at the beginning of 2001.
DMX was cited by Scottsdale, Arizona police for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, which is a misdemenaor. A spokesman for the rapper, famous for such songs as Shot Down, Rob All Night (If I’m Gonna Rob), Niggaz Done Started Something, ATF, and Bring Your Whole Crew, said “What? He had a gun? You’re shitting me!”
Oscar-winning actress and America’s lil dumplin’ Reese Witherspoon is filing a rather hefty lawsuit against Star magazine for running a false story that she’s pregnant again. We were planning on posting a Bullet tonight about how her face was flattened by a fallen piece of the Skylab space station when she was a baby, but we’ve decided against it, and will issue a retraction anyway, just to be safe.
Hottie boom-a-lottie Naomi Watts has flown back to Australia to attend the wedding of her longtime pal, hottie boom-a-lottie Nicole Kidman, who is marrying country star Keith Urban this weekend. The Bullets wishes Naomi & Nicole a great little visit, and we also hope that the gals get to spend some real quality time together. You know… maybe a sleepover… having a pillow fight in their underwear… practicing kissing techniques on each other… er… sorry, what were we talking about again?
Bassist Andy Nicholson is leaving the Arctic Monkeys. Until he is replaced, fans of the band will have to settle for listening to U2, Coldplay, Snow Patrol, Franz Ferdinand, Fall Out Boy, Death Cab For Cutie, Painc! At The Disco, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Strokes, The Killers, Modest Mouse, The White Stripes, The Futureheads, Maroon 5, Jet, The Coral, Ben Lee, Oasis, Pulp, Badly Drawn Boy, The Verve, Richard Ashcroft, Inspiral Carpets, Morrisey, Blur, and Suede.
Everybody Loves Raymond sad sack & formerly funny stand-up comic Ray Romano will be working for HBO soon. The network is developing a series with Romano and the producers of 24, about a fortysomething billionaire with 6 months to live. No word yet on if the show will be filmed in real time, ala 24, but considering it takes Romano nearly 10 minutes to drone out each sentence, we kinda think not.
80’s teen icons Corey Feldman & Corey Haim are planning on working together again. Ah, fuck it… go ahead and write your own joke. We’re tired. Try something about the drugs. Or maybe the whole not having a career anymore thing. Didn’t Feldman used to hang around with Jacko, and dress up like him & stuff? Maybe there’s something there.
A French court has dismissed a lawsuit alleging the screenplay for the film Syriana was “largely borrowed” from a script written in 2002 by Stephanie Vergniault. In the official transcript of the proceding, the judge is quoted as saying, “What, is she fucking kidding? Did you see that movie? What the hell was that thing even about?”
We’ve been seeing alot of the trailer for the next creatively bankrupt Hollywood crapfest, the Wayans Brothers’ Little Man. So we’re ripping off Bugs Bunny cartoons now? That’s Baby Buggy Bunny, featuring Baby Face Fenster… they even show him shaving in the mirror with the cigar. Do the Wayans Brothers actually think they’re as funny as Bugs fucking Bunny? They aren’t even as funny as The Snorks.
Give tha Bunny his props, yo:
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. We’re off to our field trip to THE FARM! C’mon along!!!
Summer is here. TV sucks. The movies are all sequels or remakes. It’s damned hot outside. The sun is up before I go to bed. I just wanted to get all of that off my chest. Here’s the latest scoop:
In an apparent effort to convince judges that Charlie Sheen is only a slightly bigger loser than she is, Denise Richards hosted a Pussycat Dolls burlesque show in Las Vegas. She may also be getting engaged to Richie Sambora. You have a long way to go to top Charlie, but it is a good start babe.
Dustin (Screech) Diamond, our TV friend, is losing his $2,000,000 home. In an attempt to save it, he is hawking t-shirts, or as he calls them “Dshirts”. I can’t buy one because I’m fat as a house and the sizes only go up so far. Also, I don’t really feel like saving a guy’s home when I live in an apartment. Also, he really isn’t a TV friend; he annoyed the bejeezus out of me. But hey, blogging is free, so I’ll do that much for him.
People Magazine named Taylor Hicks the hottest bachelor of 2006. I’m beginning to think the gray hair fooled them into believing he was George Clooney.
It looks like Ben Affleck might be the next person to climb aboard the remake of a crappy eighties show merry-go-round and star in the big screen version of Magnum PI. Once again, our long awaited big screen ALF sits on the sidelines waiting for the love.
Aaron Spelling has suffered a stroke. They say he is OK, but they always say that so I’m simply going to hope for the best. Yes, some of his shows were crap, but try to imagine the last thirty years of television without him: Charmed, 7th Heaven, Beverly Hills, 90210, Burke’s Law, Melrose Place, Hotel, T.J. Hooker, Dynasty, Hart to Hart, Vega$, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Charlie’s Angels, Family, The Rookies, Starsky and Hutch. That is a lot of TV my friends, and some of it didn’t suck too much. Let’s hope Mr. Spelling is really OK.
Eighties annoyances Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, are creating a new faux reality show that will star the two of them playing themselves and getting into loads of wacky misadventures. I’m scared. Is anybody else scared? This has got to be a sign of the apocalypse. Bad TV? You’re soaking in it.
Matt Damon is the latest dupe being pawned off as the new Captain Kirk. Apparently, he has William Shatner’s blessing. That would be great news, if only I trusted William Shatner’s taste. Please, oh please, put Ryan Reynolds in the roll. If you must have a kirk, he is the only choice that makes sense.
Superman wanted me to let everyone know that he is not gay. He and Aquaman are just good friends. “How can I be gay?” he asked, “I don’t even have a sidekick!”
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
If you hear a lot of horns blowing this week, give blowing your own a try. No, not that horn. Well, that’s up to you. I just mean that you need to tell people about your accomplishments. Let the world know that you are the emotional leader of the Zodiac and you aren’t going to let the rest of the world ignore you. Your lucky channel this week is Cartoon Network.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
If the world truly was flat, you would be having one hell of a week. Look out for turtles in disguise. Everyone is trying to slow you up and nobody wants to tell you why. If you have to dream this week, dream about beaches and tight bathing suits. Let the imagery inside your mind take a vacation this week. Your lucky channel this week is Discovery.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
I had to cancel my appointment with the doctor because I found out that your sign was about to blossom forth into a full-grown action movie. Do you know your enemies? Keep track of their exact locations and keep a good exotic weapon handy. Always remember to leave your mark. Your lucky channel this week is Spike.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
When was the last time you read a book? If the answer is over three weeks ago, congratulations, you went out and got a life. Good for you. While you are partying it up at the newest hot spot, take at least one moment to laugh and point at your former self. Can you believe what an idiot you were? Your lucky channel this week is E!
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
If you have been putting off that summer bikini wax, this is the week to do it. Go for the Brazilian and smooth the way for a new romance. As you recover in a nice cool tub, think about all the things we do to please others. Of course it hurts to make other people happy. It should hurt. Your lucky channel this week is VH1.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This is an excellent week for negotiations. Don’t worry about consequences. You are a Virgo, the luckiest sign in the Zodiac. Of course everything is going to work out for you, whether you think so or not. Your lucky channel this week is FX.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
There have been a few weeks of struggle for you my Libra friend. I would like to tell you it was worth it, but that sort of talk is for losers and Leos. Just make the best of what you still have and soldier on my friend. The tactical advantage of being a Libra is that you can crush other signs with your wit or your magenta colored dreams. Look out for the other signs this week because their greed is growing. There is something about success that breeds hypocrisy and failure. That sort of dream should be important to you now that you are a public partner in the world.
Be the First to Comment 
“Wynona’s got herself a big brown beaver
“Well, I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag and The Thursday Night Bullet Points are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”
