ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
You may want to take off your underwear at work this week. If you do, try to be discreet about it, especially if you have a cubicle. Be very careful. Just remember, the bathroom is an awfully safe choice. You’ll want something riskier than that, just not too risky. Be especially careful if you are traveling in a foreign country. Your lucky half hour will be Thursday from 2:19 pm to 2:48 pm.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
You may be asked to leave town this week. Your family, in fact, may demand it. Just remember that packing quickly is an art form. Make sure that you pack at least one full change of clothes and a towel. If you haven’t already bought a rolling travel bag, I recommend that you pick one up. If you are on a budget, go to Walmart (like you always do) but if you have a little money to invest in a Prada black ‘Viaggio’ travel suitcase . It is the travel accessory of the year. Your lucky half hour will be Saturday from 8:33 pm to 9:02 pm.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
If you are going to peep into other people’s windows, try to be discreet about it. Telescopes are not generally mobile enough for good tompeeping, but there are plenty of excellent binoculars on the market. I recommend the Bushnell 20×50 Super High-Powered Surveillance Binoculars. Please keep in mind that as much as you would like to take your clothes off while peeping, it won’t look good when the police show up. Have you seen Cops? Your lucky half hour will be Sunday from 1:23 am to 1:52 pm.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
You should take a class in hydroponics. It will make growing the stuff in your back room much easier. You can usually find a hydroponics store in the bohemian section of your town, which is generally near downtown where people are more real, which is the hip way of referring to an increased variation in skin color and linguistic style. That’s where you can take your class. Your lucky half hour will be Monday from 3:02 pm to 3:31 pm.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
You need to get your teeth checked. Chances are, there’s an abscess or at least some receding of your gums. You really need to start taking care of yourself, especially when it comes to your teeth. This is almost certainly the cause of your hideous breath. Also, try to dial back the farting if you can. What the hell have you been eating? Your lucky eight minutes will be Wednesday from 4:42 pm to 4:49 pm.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
This would be a great week for you to take a trip to Las Vegas. Your luck is at an all time high and there’s no possible way to fail. You are on the verge of a fantastic windfall of fun and adventure. This is a fantasy week for you. There’s no use picking out a lucky half hour because the whole week is just a festival of luck. You’ve got to love being you.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Have you ever hopped on one leg down a narrow road into a tunnel that was made out of wire mesh? Me either. The point is that you should do something new this week. Why don’t you get out of town and enjoy a few lovely daiquiris by a pool on top of a tall building. Your lucky half hour is Thursday from 9:46 pm to 10:15 pm.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
If you like to spend your evenings knitting or crocheting, this is the week for you. Absolutely nothing exciting is expected to happen to you this week. There will be no drama for you to feed on. There isn’t even anything good to watch on TV. You might as well just go to bed. I’m yawning just writing this. Your luck half hour is Tuesday from 11:56 am to 12:25 pm. Make it count.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
This is an excellent week for you to mount a widespread rebellion against a repressive government. A palace coup is at hand, and I see you as the inevitable leader of the displaced proletariat. Your dreams of power and recognition are ready to take flight. Either that or you should paint your bedroom . . . whichever. Your lucky half hour is Monday from 12:29 am to 12:58 am.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
You really need to clean out your refrigerator. You should also clean your bathroom and tidy up your living room. You may want to clean the whole house. Company is coming, and you’re either going to get into a massive argument about the state or your life or get laid. It’s your call. Your get lucky half hour is 10:22 pm to 10:51 pm Saturday night.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Do you remember that project you started last fall? The one that involved buying new pillows and picking a wine that cost over $5? Don’t you think it is time you got back to work on that project? Work that project really well my friend, if you know what I mean. Your lucky half hour is Friday from 11:01 pm to 11:30 pm.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
Do not eat any snow cones this week. You should also avoid slushies, smoothies, Eegees, Italian Ices and pretty much any frozen liquid with a hint of flavor. Sweet flavors will only throw off your chi and make you twice as bothersome as you usually are. Come to think of it, don’t indulge in anything pleasurable at all this week. I’m just kidding. Eat all the snow cones you want. Have a damned good weekend and party your ass off. I know I will. Your lucky half hour is Sunday from 1:11 am to 1:40 am.
That’s right, we’re socially networking online. So forget all the sexual predators… check out our brand spanking new MySpace page: Just Us Nerds. The page is still kinda under construction… we haven’t even started listing data about all the stuff we like yet. But you can catch a video from both J.C.’s & my recent top covers lists there. There will be more fun stuff there too. Soon.
In the meantime, here’s Demetri Martin’s recent (and brilliant) Trendspotting piece on MySpace from The D.S.
25. The Top 100 Times Black Sabbath’s Geezer Butler Tried To Tweeze All That Nosehair
24. The Top 100 Tawny Kittaen Violent Psychotic Breaks
23. The Top 100 Jeff Conaway Antihistamine Overdoses
22. The Top 100 Borderline Creepy Ways Hulk Hogan Violates His Daughter’s Privacy
21. The Top 100 Times Sabastian Bach Tries To Explain How Hot He Used To Be To 16 Year-Old Girls Who’ve Never Heard Of Skid Row
20. The Top 100 Ways To Hold Back Christina Aguilera’s Hair Extentions While She Barfs Up Her Lunch
19. The Top 100 Times Members Of The Cast Of The Brady Bunch Got Sloppy Drunk On TV
18. The Top 100 Things Peed On By Vern Troyer
17. The Top 100 Flabby, Balding, Recovering Alcoholic 80’s Hairbands Currently Touring Indian Casinos
16. The Top 100 Reasons Axl Rose Punched Out Someone In The Front Row And Stormed Off Stage 3 Songs Into A Set
15. The Top 100 Reasons The Galagher Brothers Punched Out Each Other And Stormed Off Stage 3 Songs Into A Set
14. The Top 100 D-List Celebrities Who Wax Poetic About How Much They Loved Freezie Freakies, Shrinky-Dinks, And Teen Wolf
13. The Top 100 Jokes By Patrice O’Neal That Aren’t Funny
12. The Top 100 Pussy, High-Pitched Singer-Songwriters Who Look Like Cancer Patients
11. The Top 100 Members Of Defunct Bands Who Are Actually Quite Successful Now Selling Real Estate Who Tell You To Go Fuck Yourself When You Try To Make Them Reunite With Their Former Bandmates
10. The Top 100 Times Nikki Sixx Overdosed On Heroin Then Walked Home From The Hospital And Immediately Overdosed On Heroin Again
9. The Top 100 Times Brigitte Nielsen And Flavor Flav Creeped America Out By Making Out While She Had a Lit Cigarette In Her Mouth
8. The Top 100 Bruce Valanche T-Shirt Stains
7. The Top 100 Amusement Park Rides Ronnie James Dio Is Too Short To Ride On
6. The Top 100 Times Alice Cooper Bitterly Reminds Everyone He’s Playing Golf With That He Was Around Way Before KISS, Marilyn Manson, And Rob Zombie
5. The Top 100 Arrow-Riddled Animal Carcasses Tied To The Front Bumper Of Ted Nugent’s Hummer
4. The Top 100 Times Van Halen Told David Lee Roth He Could Be Lead Singer Again Then Yelled “Psych!” And Laughed Until They Peed Their Pants
3. The Top 100 Times Tori Spelling Just Doesn’t Get That We’re Not Laughing “With Her”…
2. The Top 100 Times Event Coordinators, His Agent, And His Staff Just Went Ahead And Let Meat Loaf Perform Instead Of Doing The Right Thing
1. The Top 100 Hot Girls Prince Used To Treat Like Blow-Up Fuck-Dolls Who’ve Given Their Lives Over To Jesus And Just Don’t Fuck Anyone Anymore
Wow, the end of the Television Season has come and I for one am sad to see it go. I’ll miss my TV friends over the summer, and will do my best to make do with reality — in show form.
Just to kick the dead horse that is the Everwood cancellation one more time, I would like you to note the final official ratings report for the 2005-2006 season. Critically acclaimed Everwood finished with an average of 3.6 million viewers. Critically despised One Tree Hill finished with an average of 2.8 million viewers. Both of those shows clobbered Veronica Mars, which finished with an average of 2.3 million viewers.
A French version of The Office is failing to find attract French viewers or critics. Apparently, they have no idea that the boss is acting inappropriately.
GSN is making a documentary about Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I hope they include the part where WWBM goes on a drunken bender and wrecks his Porsche outside of Palm Springs. I also want to see some coverage of WWBM’s two illegitimate children and his affair with Meg Ryan.
NBC is planning on airing a web version of Last Comic Standing filled with comedians who fell short of making the network cut. That makes it official – the Internet is the new UHF.
Our TV Friend David Hasselhoff has signed on as a judge for the summer faux American Idol show, America’s Got Talent. He will also appear in the new Adam Sandler Bruce Almighty knockoff Click. It’s good to see the handsomest man in show biz getting work. Someday, maybe he’ll even get a gig worth watching.
In baseball news, not only are my Arizona Diamondbacksleading their division, but that division is officially the toughest in baseball. Every single team is above .500. You can quit criticizing the NL West now people, because they are back.
Brad Garrett, there to promote his new sitcom ‘Til Death, shocked the crowd at the Fox network upfronts with an obscene stand-up performance that constantly insulted the FOX network and its “stars”. The crowd of media and advertising executives gasped at some of his jokes, which he aggressively shouted at them without a hint or remorse of acknowledgement of their aversion. You know, I’ve never liked Brad Garrett – until now.
David Milch, the creator of Deadwood is hoping to save the show by finding a corporate partner for a casino or perhaps an amusement park. I for one can’t wait to go on Mr. Swearengen’s Obscenity Filled Ride.
Here are The Top 10 Covers Of All Time. Did I miss anything unforgiveable? Think I’m full of shit? Put your money where your mouth is and comment with yours. True cover-geeks are always on the lookout for new ones.
1. The Clash - I Fought The Law by The Bobby Fuller Four
2. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - Crimson & Clover by Tommy James & The Shondells
3. Patti Smith - Because The Night by Bruce Springsteen
4. David Bowie - White Light, White Heat by The Velvet Underground/Lou Reed
5. Nirvana - The Man Who Sold The World (unplugged) by David Bowie
6. The Power Station - Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T-Rex
7. Tori Amos - Lovesong by The Cure (the live one, just her & the piano, not the crappy “aching heart re-mix”)
8. Metallica - Stone Cold Crazy by Queen
9. Ahmet & Dweezil Zappa - Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
The massive publishing deal that Oprah Winfrey recently signed to write a fitness book is offensive on so many levels. Oprah Winfrey is the last person in the world who should be dispensing fitness advice. Just because she is thin this week doesn’t mean it is going to last. It hasn’t any of the other times. If Winfrey kept the weight off and stayed healthy for five or more years, she might begin to gain credibility, but at this point her book will be about as credible as the James Frey book she so spitefully turned on.
The difference between Oprah Winfrey and James Frey is that Frey’s book really didn’t hurt anyone. It may not have been fact, but the fiction wasn’t damaging. Oprah’s “advice” on the subject of dieting has the potential to hurt people. There are a significant number of people in this country who, for reasons I cannot fathom, follow her advice as if it was the gospel. If this book sends these people on a poorly-planned diet or exercise routine, it will cause genuine damage. Oprah Winfrey and her publisher Simon & Schuster are acting irresponsibly. If anything, a book abut fitness by Oprah Winfrey should be a cautionary tale about the overwhelming pressure to be thin in today’s society and about the crooks and liars who are willing to take advantage of that. Rather than tell that true and important story, one that she has experience with, Winfrey seems content to join the Liar’s Club.
If so, is there any way we can get Kate Winslet to do a cameo on the show next fall?
If Kate Winslet does do a cameo, can we get her to take her clothes off? It usually isn’t difficult.
If you hold one end of a slinky during an electromagnetic pulse, will it uncoil into a straight line?
Did anyone else think that Hurley was insufficiently whelmed by the fact that Michael killed his girlfriend?
Shouldn’t somebody have told Desmond that “life goes on”?
While watching the season finale I asked myself, “What the hell?” only 107 times. Did I miss something?
There seems to be an awful lot of people on the Island. Has anybody thought about building an apartment complex or something? They might also benefit from a few roads.
Did you see Charlie’s eyes light up when he thought he had the chance to screw Locke over? That’s the first time I’ve seen him smile in a while.
Are we just about done with the Tailies?
Do you ever wonder what it must be like to be an Island extra on Lost?
Seriously, shouldn’t a few of those people gets lines every once in a while?
Does anyone else suspect that the Island might be Magneto’s lair?
If I just watch the episodes and don’t play the game or visit the sites, will my lack of knowledge make the show confusing? Oh wait…
We’re a happy family
We’re a happy family
We’re a happy family The Thursday Night Bullet Points, Mom and Daddy
Siting here in Queens
Eating refried beans
We’re in all the magazines
Gulpin’ down thorazines
We ain’t got no friends
Our troubles never end
No Christmas cards to send
Daddy likes men
Daddy’s telling lies
Baby’s eating flies
Mommy’s on pills
Baby’s got the chills
I’m friends with the President
I’m friends with the Pope
We’re all making a fortune
Selling Daddy’s dope
In TV land last night, Lost finally took the much anticipated step from vague & incomprehensible to complete gibberish. In a related story, J.J.Abrams was diagnosed with a rare mental disorder, Lucasiphrenia. The condition mainly affects writers, and is characterized by convincing everyone that you’ve got something all planned out, then just making it up as you go along.
Still no word on the birth of Angelina Jolie & Brad pitt’s baby… but if you want to travel to Namibia, you have to have their permission. Soon you will also need letters of consent from them to adopt a baby, join the United nations, and make the exact same movie two or three times in a row. By the way, George Clooney says it’s still OK for you to go to Darfur.
Apparently the rumored reunion of Cheech & Chong will not occur, according to Cheech himself. The Bullets was able to get ahold of Marin’s original statement on the matter, which was simply, “Tommy who?”
Leonardo DiCapro’s upcoming flick Blood Diamond is generating some worry in the diamond industry, and they’re preparing to counteract any negative publicity that might arise. The film shows how illegal jewel mining helped fuel bloody civil wars in Africa. The Bullets confronted a spokesperson for the National Federation Of Jewelers with the allegations, and she said, “Yeah… but look how preeeeeetty!”
Professional freak & all around whack-job Michael Jackson learned this week that the California Supreme Court refused to hear his appeal regarding his attempt to have the parental rights of his ex wife Debbie Rowe revoked. Rowe’s lawyer is “very gratified” with the decision, and says that he doubts Jackson will pursue the matter to the federal Supreme Court, as the court members might think that the corpse of William Rehnquist somehow rose from it’s grave, and perhaps meant them harm.
Music legend Ian Copeland died this week. Copeland was widely regarded as the father of new Wave, discovering & producing a myriad of acts, including The Go-Go’s, The Bangles, REM, Squeeze, and The Police. The Bullets will miss you very much, Ian… and we forgive you for Shiny Happy People.
Oscar winner Cate Blanchett will be playing Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic. Well actually, she’ll be playing one of the “aspects of his personality” embodied in an androgynous singer named Jade. And just in case that isn’t quite gay enough, the film will also star Brokeback Mountain’s Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams, Richard Gere, and will be directed by the guy who made Velvet Goldmine.
The Bullets beat our own record for American Idol Unawareness today, by remaining blissfully free from the knowledge of who the winner was until 1:30 PM, when we accidentally saw it on the front page of the newspaper. That’s 16.5 hours, BEEOTCHES. And we still have yet to see even a single second of the show. Let that be a lesson to the kids out there… it CAN be done.
And speaking of beating your own record, this is Fleet Week, when over 4000 sailors & marines will flood New York City. The Bullets would like to take this opportunity to wish Christina Aguilera luck as she attempts to beat her own record from last year, 2,789. Remember, Christina… don’t swallow, and you won’t get full!
Woo hoo! Seven & a switchblade!
So what’s heaven to you?
Those are The Bullets for this week, kids. Time for us to exit, TERMINATOR X-it!
ARIES (Mar. 21—Apr. 20)
I have this theory that the earth is actually a giant apple, and that the earth’s core contains these massive apple seeds. I sure would like to get a hold of one of those seeds, but it doesn’t seem very likely in the near future. Does my theory sound a little far-fetched and stupid? Maybe, but so are the theories you’ve been operating on this week. Shape up and try to think things through for a change.
TAURUS (Apr. 21–May 21)
Do you know what electricity is? I don’t. I know what electivity does. I even know some ways to create electricity. What I don’t know is what it is. Why don’t you try to figure that out for me and report back? I think the quest will do you some good. Avoid cigars this week.
GEMINI (May 22–June 21)
Do you feel that gentle rocking motion? That is the earth giving you a hug. No, it isn’t all in your head. Most of it is, but not all of it. Try to picture yourself accomplishing something this week. I think maybe you should learn to dance. The samba or the tango would be a good choice for you. Don’t paint anything blue this week.
CANCER (June 22–July 22)
If I could turn myself invisible, I would keep an eye on you this week because you are going to go to some interesting places and I would love to hear what you are going to say to that woman when you run into her Saturday. I can tell it is going to be worth talking about. Let me know what happens.
LEO (July 23—Aug. 22)
How many towels did you leave on the floor this week? How many labels did you peel off of wet bottles? I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to distract me and it is not gong to work. Put your clothes back on and face your life. You may want to make sure that your first-aid kit is fully stocked and be extra careful crossing the street this week. Seriously, put some clothes on.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 23)
The other day I was wandering alone in the desert with no food or water when I happened upon a 7-11. As I bought myself a Big Gulp, a bag of donettes and some Trident sugarless gum, I couldn’t help thinking of you and the fabulous luck that you have been having lately. There are Big Gulps as far as the eye can see.
LIBRA (Sept. 24–Oct. 23)
Therapy is overrated – mental therapy that is. Physical therapy is still an excellent choice for those recovering from a serious health emergency. If you are recovering from a serious health emergency, then keep up the physical therapy. If you think your problem is mental, read a book by Richard Bach and shrug the whole thing off. Good luck. This is a good week to buy a new computer.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22)
I don’t want any more shenanigans out of you Scorpio. How many times do you want to tempt the fates? I’ve met the fates. They are three very charming girls, but they will not put up with a lot of guff. This is a good week to straighten up and fly right. It is also a good week to go to the zoo, unless you live in Tucson, then skip the zoo and go to the Desert Museum.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23–Dec. 21)
Some people laugh. Some people cry. Some people do both. Are you one of those people? Nah, you are one of those people who laugh and then runs away as fast as you can. I know you. You need to embrace the hidden joy. The problem is, how can you embrace something you can’t find? Good question. While you are working on that, try listening to a Tom Petty or a Bob Dylan album. Either will do; they sound the same anyway.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 20)
Oh my Capricorn friend, what kind of mess haven’t you got yourself into now? Isn’t life getting just a little too boring and safe lately? Shake things up. Buy a pomegranate. Eat the leaf from an oak tree. Fart in public. Do something to break yourself out of this rut!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21–Feb. 19)
Are you sitting alone in the dark listening to your stereo headphones again? You really ought to at least play some music when you do that. I have just the right thing for you to listen to. There is a band called Gomez. They are pretty good and they could use a little support. Put one of their CDs on and then rock back and forth in your easy chair all night. Come morning, you’ll be ready to face the world again.
PISCES (Feb. 20–Mar. 20)
I recommend that you spend a little money on yourself this week. You are encouraged to purchase the following items: Shower Curtains, Air Filters, Hammocks, Pillow Shams, Wireless Transmitters, Carpet Steamers, Valances, Quilting Kits, Soap Molds, Cardiovascular Equipment, Knives, and Music Memorabilia. Good luck with your newfound spending power.
Apple has announced its newest revolutionary product, which they have branded the iFork. The iFork is a personalized victuals temporary storage and interface device designed with an easy-to use point and stab interface. You simply point the iFork at any food that you wish to store and then move the 4-tined connector forward in a stabbing motion. The food is uploaded onto the iFork, where
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That’s right, we’re socially networking online. So forget all the sexual predators… check out our brand spanking new MySpace page: 
Here are The Top 10 Covers Of All Time. Did I miss anything unforgiveable? Think I’m full of shit? Put your money where your mouth is and comment with yours. True 
